I'm Sorry

A Story by Kiheiji

To say 'good by' is the hardest thing of all.

I’m such a coward, for eight years I saw you slowly die and all I could do was watch. You’d welcome me home with open arms every day. You helped me with my spelling, I’m still not very good. Cooked delicious meals for me. You taught me the kindness that even now I still show others. Even played video games with me even though you didn’t like them. And all I could do was watch as you got sicker and sicker. I helped when I could but it got harder to look at you and not cry or betray my lie of happiness and the last thing I wanted you to feel was that I was unhappy. I wanted to see a smile on your face all the time, so I hid my problems from you even though I was being bullied at school all the time. I prayed to god almost every night asking god to get rid of whatever was plaguing you. After five years the prayer changed from saving you to ending your suffering. I asked god to kill you. You hid your pain from me but you didn’t fool me, did i fool you I wonder? Did I manage to successfully lie to you and hide my pain? I don’t know the answer. I remember when they took you to the hospital for the last time, because you fell unconscious. I had just bought you a Christmas candle as a gift, and you woke up just long enough to call me to see if I was all right. When I answered the phone I took my aggressions out on you. After all that time, never letting my emotions show, at the last minute, I fucked up. I made your last bit of life sad. If I could go back to that moment and do it over.....I’ve wanted to apologize for so long now, for everything. For all the times I made you cry, for all the times I disappointed you, for all the times I made you worry, for all the times I made you angry, and (most of all) making your last memory a sad one. I’ve tried to say them, even scream them, but the words no longer will reach you. You no longer hear them. So I’m writing them here so maybe, you'll read them, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, mom.”