Five Sections

A Story by Kidra

I don't know how to describe this just yet... It's really not finished yet

“What is this?”

“It’s us; our love actually. Trapped in this binder, it’s divided into five sections... Their labeled.” He smiled down at me and pushes the binder into my cold hands. This boy i have dreamed of for years... Every inch of him exactly the same as the boy i conjured up in my head. Not on purpose it just sort of happened every night he became clearer tell i could draw him, then paint him. His sandy hair that reaches for his thoughtful eyes but falls short at his brows. His perfectly places cheek bones that go completely unnoticed when he smiles. Its not my fault i over describe he just does that to me. he pulls me in and consumes my thoughts tell I’m nothing but him, and here he is smiling at me using “us, our”, and “love” all in the same sentence... This moment well... i should be pink and giddy but instead a chill washes over me. This grey binder feels so weighed down, by every nightmare and every time i had to wake up before he could kiss me goodbye. But this. This isn't a dream it's him and me here in this moment alive and awake! So why this chill?

“Jude? Why give this to me?” As I patiently wait for his answer thousands of scenarios flash through my head, millions of courses this conversation could take and like most of my dreams none with an ending!

“Kid... I just... I need you to have it.” He rubs the back of his neck and sort of balances on his heels watching a seemingly fascinating movie on the sidewalk.

“Why? I don't understand...” I study the same scuffed up sidewalk as Jude but nothing appears, still i watch tell I can no longer stand to look down. I peek my head up to see he has beat me to it.

“Why? Dang Kid why do you ask why all the time? I have never had the answers! Then you look at me like that! Like I must have suddenly had a grand epiphany and can provide every answer for you! But i can’t! So stop! Stop looking at me like that.”

“Hmm... I don’t know what you talking about. I was watching a movie.” I announce because obviously it is the only reasonable reply. He stares at me looking as if steam was bursting out his ears.

“What?” That's all that escapes his muffled lips. Lips that i am sure or only clasped shut in fear of letting out something irreversible.

“Well gosh Jude. I thought you were watching too. That is why I looked to you after all. to see if you were crying.”

“Crying? What on earth would I be crying about? I give up Kid.” A grab his hand and ease him back to me.

“ Yes crying. I thought you would be crying... Weren't you watching? Didn't you see the poor nickels struggle? Being scraped and dented all across the world, only to stop right here and finally fade away. It lost its shine... its worth. It didn't leave one mark here in this world.” I drop the nickel I found on the ground waiting for him in front of him and walk away. The streets so quiet and Jude makes no noise I hear the nickel fall and roll until it lays flat on the ground. I keep walking and walking. normally I would have gotten a ride home, but today, well today is different. Life is different it has to be. I can't dream of him anymore and if I do I don't know how I will be able to consider them dreams...

When I finally reach home I duck in the back door and go straight to my room. I hear mom call after me wondering where Jude is... I don’t know Jude missed the movie. My mothers dainty fingers knock on the door...

“Kidra, Darlin? Did you eat supper? I made white girl taco’s come down if you want any.” Each step she takes away from my door I become even more sure I will not be taking a single step towards my moms “white girl tacos”.

My usually over used phone makes no noises for the rest of the night it just sits on top of that grey binder. That binder that is suppose to tell me what Jude and i are. How would it know? How would Jude no? Dang i don't even know... Tonight was suppose to be like any other since i found him. Peaceful and easy. He makes everything so easy. Except for tonight. It felt like the end, imagining my days without him seems wrong to me like my balance has been knocked out of place and I'm just teetering on the edge of the earth and soon i will fall without him to hold me! I cant fall now not after all that time of just existing present but absent dreaming about him when every i had the chance..

The fist time i dreamed about him i was on a plane... the detestation i don't recall but that is of little importance. I was randomly seated next to this beautiful boy, when i think of the dream now Jude's face is so clear but when it was new and it was happening all of his details were foggy i wasn't suppose to know yet i guess. We talked the whole flight it was so short too short... It was cut off when the fasten seat-belts sign came on out of no where, the stewardess were frantic it all seem extremely unprofessional! Panic began to take over in me! I started to shake uncontrollably the world was fading every color around me turning grey that's when those scary breathing masks dropped! At the same moment that beautiful boy grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. He ignored the tears the streaked down my face he looked me in the eyes and spoke.

"listen to me. Hey listen! Everything is okay. I'm here and i swear I will protect you. As long as I'm here, I'm here for you." Then as if to prove to me he meant what he said he pulled me into him, i didn't panic i just looked to him trusting every word he said. When his lips meet mine the world around me dissolved the panic faded and i gave into him.

I didn't dream of him again for a long time after that no matter how much i wanted it or needed his comfort after a few months i had to give in and believed that there was no boy. no plane, no comfort. Maybe it was the lost of hope that made me dream of him again or maybe it was just the way of things. Either way i did dream of him again, and again. Tell he was my only dream. I wonder if Jude ever dreamed of me? Is seemed unlikely. I feel crazy all the time, i never tell him about those dreams. Then I would be crazy.