A mountain to cry on

A Story by Kichu

From the edge of despair, shines a ray of hope

Prakash pulled an all-nighter for his Chemistry exam. The next day, the teacher handed him the question paper; it read “Advanced Mathematics”.

The exam duration of three hours weren’t enough to recover from the shock.

Sharing the folly of the whole situation with his mother didn’t help either.

The relay to his father was automatic; as soon as that happened, his father placed the golden cherry on the mountain of guilt that Prakash was carrying already. Branding him a nincompoop, an imbecile, incapable of the simplest of tasks...

The news spread like a forest fire. Friends laughed, teachers scoffed, memes surfaced online. Smirks & giggles welcomed him from every side of his social circle throughout the rest of the exams.

After finishing the last one, he packed his rucksack with a couple of clothes and tiptoed out of the house, giving a sideways glance to the chair where his father was seated reading the newspaper.

He trekked to the top of the hill near their house alone. As soon he reached the pinnacle, he looked down. Dark clouds blocking the evening sun, provided the right gloomy ambience he was looking for.

The battle between the will to die and the fear of death raged on and on within him, making his knees tremble. He kept looking down, hoping that two steps forward is better than the years of embarrassment he would have to endure, if he stepped back into his life. Reputation is everything, his father had taught, and now that he has lost it, of what good would he be to everyone around him, except for being an object of ridicule.

When he was about to take the last step into the abyss, the clouds gave way and the setting sun illuminated the horizon. The stupidity of contemplating such a harsh step, for the short-term setback, dawned on him as he sat down at the edge to watch the rest of the sunset.

His wounded heart rested its head on the mountain and cried.

© 2018 Kichu

Author's Note

Hope you're comments are as big as a mountain :)

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Featured Review

Wild Rose

Happy ending > We all feel ashamed at failing exams > soon his deeds will pass into the past and out of memory > he will regain is pace in society

Not thinking of jumping I have often looked down from mountains at the human ants below busying about > I thought of the mighty hand which made such places

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

I see you have a great imagination. and you have understood the story well. Thank you for stopping b.. read more

6 Years Ago

I have taken exams & know the feeling if you fail
We live amongst mountains and lakes > Have.. read more

Reviews

Sneh

This reminds me of a friend, when she came to know about her mistake in the hall, she got captured in dizziness and honestly was strange. I loved the end ,desire to recover is really important, which hits mind only when we introspect or sit aloof( for me specially).
Good write!
-Sneh

Posted 6 Years Ago

JayG

When you tell a story on the page, explaining it as you do, you have a huge advantage over the reader. Before you read the first word you know the characters and their background. You know the scene, and why it matters to the story. You know the protagonist’s motivation and fears. And because you do, and it seems obvious to you, you may forget to “bring the reader onboard,” so as to have context for what’s being mentioned. Look at the opening from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words, to any given point, have said.

• Prakash pulled an all-nighter for his Chemistry exam.

As a reader sees it, someone we know nothing about, who is attending either high school or a university, in some unknown year of school, studied for a test. This is hardly earthshaking news, because a good number of us have. But of most importance, given that we don’t know what kind of grades he’s been getting, or the smallest thing about him, why do we care?

In other words, this is data, presented by a voice devoid of emotion, that the reader has not been made to want or need. Wouldn’t it not make sense for the reader to know the character as a person, and know if HE’S worried or confident, and if we like him?

• The next day, the teacher handed him the question paper; it read “Advanced Mathematics”.

So either he’s an idiot or has a legitimate complaint that the school gave false information. If he’s an idiot why do we want to read on?

• Sharing the folly of the whole situation with his mother didn’t help either.

The reader doesn’t know what the situation is. If we know nothing about him, and what led up to the mistake, his relationship to his family, and how he did in any of the exams, what can this mean to a reader?

Presented as he views the event, your opening might have read:

Prakash stared, open mouthed, at the title of the test: Final Exam – Advanced Mathmatics.

There had to be a mistake There must be, because he’d spent the entire night before cramming for the third year chemistry final. But a look around the university’s testing center showed that no one else seemed surprised. Making things worse, math was his worst subject.

Stomach churning, eyes blinking back the tears that wanted to come, he gave thought to pretending sickness. Given the way he felt, that wasn’t far from the truth. But that was the coward’s way, and dishonest. Best to take the test and hope for a miracle. Certainly, he could take a make-up test. And since he no longer had to study for the chemistry final, he could use that time to work on math. So the test wasn’t the problem—at least he hoped it wasn’t. Explaining what happened when he got home, and the reaction to it, there, was.
- - - - - - -
Your story? No. Nor is it your character. Instead, it’s a parallel situation for demonstration’s sake. Look at the difference in approach. First, the narrator isn’t talking TO the reader about what happened, in overview, they’re reporting Prakash’s observations and reactions, in the moment he calls now, and advancing the clock as he perceives it, to create the illusion of time passing as we read. First he stares at the paper in shock, and we learn what the problem is. Then he checks the rest of the people there to see if it’s a mistake. And as he does we learn that it’s a university and that he’s a third year student. Then, fighting back despair, he reviews his options. And as part of that we learn how he feels, and this character is honest, and not a coward. So along with the facts we develop character.

Finally, we learn what he will do. And because we know the situation, as he perceives it, we accept that as a viable course of action. We may not agree, but we know why he does it, and so his response will seem reasonable. In short, we’re living the story as him, not hearing about it from someone whose voice we cannot hear.

I really wish there was a more gentle way to say it, But as it presently stands, this is not a story, it’s a synopsis.

In a story, as in the demonstration, above, it’s not what happens that matters, because leaning about that is as exciting as any other report. And who reads reports for entertainment? It’s how the protagonist reacts to the events that matters. Each person is different, so how they react will be different, depending on their personality, experience, and needs at the moment the event takes place.

I’m sure you’ve heard the observation that in any family argument there’s “his” version, “her” version, and what really happened. That’s because how each person perceives the events is unique. That’s true in any aspect of life. And in this case, if it’s Prakash’s story it’s HIS viewpoint that matters because his personal reaction is what will drive him to act.

So to a reader, the fact that he studied for the wrong exam is unimportant. His reaction to learning that he did, how he handled it, and his estimate of how he did on the test matters far more than the simple fact of the error. His father’s anger, too, is irrelevant, except as he responds to it, and truly has meaning only if the reader understands their relationship.

In writing this you’re presenting a synopsis of events, and focusing on them as if providing a chronicle of events. Instead, place the reader INTO his viewpoint, moment-by-moment, so they live the story in parallel with him, and care about what will happen as a result of what they do.

That’s a very different approach from the report-writing skills we learn in our school days, but it is one we must master if fiction is our goal. In our school days we weren’t told that such an approach exists because only those who write fiction need to know them, while most people, on the job, will need the nonfiction skills we’re taught.

Good news? Of course not. But it is news that every one of us face on the path toward publication, so you share the problem with many others.

The fix is certainly simple enough: add the tricks of writing fiction to the writing skills you presently own. It’s not a quick fix, because there’s a LOT to learn. But they make a HUGE difference in the realism of the writing. For an overview of the issues, you might want to dig around in the writing articles in my blog. They were written with the hopeful writer in mind. Then check the fiction writing section of the local library. Lots of help to be heard there. And, if you are meant to be a writer the learning will be fun.

So have at it. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 6 Years Ago

• Prakash pulled an all-nighter for his Chemistry exam.

As a reader sees it, someone we know nothing about, who is attending either high school or a university, in some unknown year of school, studied for a test. This is hardly earthshaking news, because a good number of us have. But of most importance, given that we don’t know what kind of grades he’s been getting, or the smallest thing about him, why do we care?

In other words, this is data, presented by a voice devoid of emotion, that the reader has not been made to want or need. Wouldn’t it not make sense for the reader to know the character as a person, and know if HE’S worried or confident, and if we like him?

• The next day, the teacher handed him the question paper; it read “Advanced Mathematics”.

So either he’s an idiot or has a legitimate complaint that the school gave false information. If he’s an idiot why do we want to read on?

• Sharing the folly of the whole situation with his mother didn’t help either.

The reader doesn’t know what the situation is. If we know nothing about him, and what led up to the mistake, his relationship to his family, and how he did in any of the exams, what can this mean to a reader?

Presented as he views the event, your opening might have read:

Prakash stared, open mouthed, at the title of the test: Final Exam – Advanced Mathmatics.

There had to be a mistake There must be, because he’d spent the entire night before cramming for the third year chemistry final. But a look around the university’s testing center showed that no one else seemed surprised. Making things worse, math was his worst subject.

Stomach churning, eyes blinking back the tears that wanted to come, he gave thought to pretending sickness. Given the way he felt, that wasn’t far from the truth. But that was the coward’s way, and dishonest. Best to take the test and hope for a miracle. Certainly, he could take a make-up test. And since he no longer had to study for the chemistry final, he could use that time to work on math. So the test wasn’t the problem—at least he hoped it wasn’t. Explaining what happened when he got home, and the reaction to it, there, was.
- - - - - - -
Your story? No. Nor is it your character. Instead, it’s a parallel situation for demonstration’s sake. Look at the difference in approach. First, the narrator isn’t talking TO the reader about what happened, in overview, they’re reporting Prakash’s observations and reactions, in the moment he calls now, and advancing the clock as he perceives it, to create the illusion of time passing as we read. First he stares at the paper in shock, and we learn what the problem is. Then he checks the rest of the people there to see if it’s a mistake. And as he does we learn that it’s a university and that he’s a third year student. Then, fighting back despair, he reviews his options. And as part of that we learn how he feels, and this character is honest, and not a coward. So along with the facts we develop character.

Finally, we learn what he will do. And because we know the situation, as he perceives it, we accept that as a viable course of action. We may not agree, but we know why he does it, and so his response will seem reasonable. In short, we’re living the story as him, not hearing about it from someone whose voice we cannot hear.

I really wish there was a more gentle way to say it, But as it presently stands, this is not a story, it’s a synopsis.

In a story, as in the demonstration, above, it’s not what happens that matters, because leaning about that is as exciting as any other report. And who reads reports for entertainment? It’s how the protagonist reacts to the events that matters. Each person is different, so how they react will be different, depending on their personality, experience, and needs at the moment the event takes place.

I’m sure you’ve heard the observation that in any family argument there’s “his” version, “her” version, and what really happened. That’s because how each person perceives the events is unique. That’s true in any aspect of life. And in this case, if it’s Prakash’s story it’s HIS viewpoint that matters because his personal reaction is what will drive him to act.

So to a reader, the fact that he studied for the wrong exam is unimportant. His reaction to learning that he did, how he handled it, and his estimate of how he did on the test matters far more than the simple fact of the error. His father’s anger, too, is irrelevant, except as he responds to it, and truly has meaning only if the reader understands their relationship.

In writing this you’re presenting a synopsis of events, and focusing on them as if providing a chronicle of events. Instead, place the reader INTO his viewpoint, moment-by-moment, so they live the story in parallel with him, and care about what will happen as a result of what they do.

That’s a very different approach from the report-writing skills we learn in our school days, but it is one we must master if fiction is our goal. In our school days we weren’t told that such an approach exists because only those who write fiction need to know them, while most people, on the job, will need the nonfiction skills we’re taught.

Good news? Of course not. But it is news that every one of us face on the path toward publication, so you share the problem with many others.

The fix is certainly simple enough: add the tricks of writing fiction to the writing skills you presently own. It’s not a quick fix, because there’s a LOT to learn. But they make a HUGE difference in the realism of the writing. For an overview of the issues, you might want to dig around in the writing articles in my blog. They were written with the hopeful writer in mind. Then check the fiction writing section of the local library. Lots of help to be heard there. And, if you are meant to be a writer the learning will be fun.

So have at it. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

This is hands down one of the best writing advice or work critique I have got in a long time. Thank .. read more

6 Years Ago

• love to see your critique for my other works as well.

In effect, you have, The c.. read more

barleygirl

I am most impressed by looking at your other reviews to see that your story is very relatable! (I’m old & I’ve forgotten how it feels to take exams!) You have a compelling & straightforward storytelling style that sounds very original. You offer the perfect array of details to flesh out your story nicely & the reader is catching the imagery & the feelings. Yet you also condense this into such a short story, it’s a great length for the short attention spans regarding internet reading. Well balanced & complete for such a short story. I love the lesson at the end, which makes your story a universal parable (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

I wrote these 100 word stories keeping in mind how the fast paced world of today keeps up with readi.. read more

This kinda incident happened with me actually...at my 6th standard when I was confused in the delay of exam dates and called a friend for the info of exam that night she told me twas Literature 2nd paper when actually the exam was of Religion and Noble guide...thankfully I escaped that journey as some preparations were done for that exam before.....
But here it's more and most disheartening than mine....
I think in this kind of situations we shouldn't be paying too much attention on the mocks of society throwing at us.....we should THINK instead of getting TENSED or going into DEPRESSION....as the time flies and we'll grow old...looking at the back we're gonna smile and laugh on our own stupidity!!
Again I had a great read from you....thanks for sharing☺...and am still trying to put a story on just 100 words...still falling flat on face😀...good day☺!

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

I know this kind of incidents happen a lot in school and stuff. I totally get you. I love how wise y.. read more

6 Years Ago

Mmm....Thank you!!!😊

Riddhi

Ah...I loved it and actually I liked it more because I can easily relate myself with the protagonist because I am also a teenager who is haunted by exams...I was in the same situation a few days before...I prepared for medical entrance exam for 2 years during my 11th and 12th because that was what my parents wanted me to do and I could secure a seat in medical college but I never wanted to study in a college which was not among the top colleges of my country..While all my friends had good score to get a seat in the best medical colleges I was getting seat in a mediocre medical college and then came the IISER aptitude test where I got AIR59 and I got admission in best college of research IISER Pune..After medical entrance exams I was indeed depressed and I was thinking about even doing suicide but the things are fine now...We all have such instances in our life but we should not surrender to the hurdles of our life..A well written story....I indeed loved it ...
Keep on writing...