lovely song of fangs and heart

not my best..

I passed you in the dark of night

You weren’t  much of a site

But just then did the wind blow your sent across to me

It was as sweet as sin

It stopped my pace and made my undead hearts race

My teeth did then extend

Your steps tapping along

Almost in time with your heart

Only as your hypnotic scent fades do I follow

I stay in the shadow

Stepping in time with your heart

You cannot hear me nor see me

Yet your heart quickens I soon match its rhythmic beat

Oh how sweet you will taste

Your blood shall be mine

I shimmer ahead of you

You run into my clutches

Your mine

You scream and struggle

I crush the air from your lungs

As I tear at your flesh you gasp for breath

Your blood rushes to meet my lips

Oh such crimson gold

So rich

So sweet

You shake and shiver

I pull away as you start to fade

Your done and I need you no more

I leave your body to crumple

You didn’t last long

But your heart sang such a lovely song

No time to look back I must move along

I must hunt my next meal

Maybe you would like to come along?...

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Greetings from the host of the contest "Of Blood and Eternity".

What an enjoyable read you've given me. I liked every little bit of it. The narrator is very much a monster. No room for romance there, it just wants to eat and to play with its food. The entire description of the hunt and the kill were very good, visceral I might say. The last line though, the vampire's offer to its latest victim to join it, made me smile.

Excellent work here.

Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.

-Caradoc

[Kim Martel]

Add more grammar into it to help your reader and the flow of your poem.
Tell your reader when to breath. The rhythm only comes through because of your line breaks but it could be a lot stronger if you added some punctuation. Of course, don't over do it.
I crush the air from your lungs;
As I tear at your flesh you gasp for breath.
Your blood rushes to meet my lips
- Oh such crimson gold
So rich
So sweet