Chapter 1

Looking through a window overlooking an angry crowd of people wishing that you and your family were dead; was definitely not a surprising picture to see early this morning while the sun was rising. They had been here all night yelling and screaming at our family, the Du’Cross’, to vacate the castle and never return. I happen to be the next heir in line for the throne and that was the last thing the crowd wanted me to be as well as I. My parents had always wanted their son Darvus to ascend the throne, but he decided to have nothing to do with the Du’Cross name and fled the country. When this was found out I was suddenly given the responsibility of taking the throne pushed onto my shoulders, and I did not even want it!

“Sevana my dear, step away from that window and go get dressed for the coronation.” My father was smiling as he walked into the room. “Father, I really don’t want to do this. Besides you have seen how angry the people are about us even ruling here, we should just leave like Darvus did.” I said turning to face him. “How dare you say that! We are the rulers here and you will ascend the thrown today and continue to rule in this country!” His voice beginning to grow louder as he spoke. All I could do was sit there and stare at him since he had never spoken to me in that manner. He turned and walked out through the door as I heard it slam behind him and jumped at the noise.

As I walked down the hallway in my floor-length gown, I could hear my gown’s train dragging behind me as I walked towards my doom. The guards opened the door as I reached it, I stood there trying to get my legs to move forward into a room full of people who were patiently waiting to see a 22 year old girl get a crown and sit on a hard gold seat. I heard one of the guards announce me, “Now announcing Princess Sevana Marie Du’Cross.” As I walked down the aisle way and came towards the priest that was doing the ceremony my stomach was churning and I didn’t want to be here, I just wanted to be in my room where I could just think and be myself. As I came up to the priest he nodded his head at me and I nodded towards him. Then I saw my mother and father sitting on their thrones and I bowed to each of them as they smiled proudly at me. As the priest began the ceremony I kneeled down in front of him as he talked through the motions and all I could hear was his voice, but the words were a blur. I was thinking to myself while he talked. Why do I have to be the one who takes the crown, Darvus should just come back and accept this responsibility… As I looked up the priest was holding the crown over my head and I looked at my parents who were still smiling gleefully.

Just as the priest was bringing the crown down onto my head, I heard the doors burst open and the people gasp in horror. As I turned I saw a tall, dark man with unnatural eyes come towards me. My father was calling out to him, “Graven, you are not allowed here. Guards!” Graven stopped right in front of me, and looked directly at my father as a smirk crossed his face, “Hahaha…King Henry, do you think I would miss your beautiful daughter’s coronation?” He caressed the side of my face with his hand, as I turned my face away from him in disgust. “How dare you touch my daughter Graven, get out now!” My father was now standing. I was scared of this man and I didn’t know why. My father stepped down beside me and grabbed my arm and said in a tight voice, “Sevana my dear get back with your mother, please.” I did as I was told and my father was standing where I once stood facing Graven. “My dear king all I wanted to do was give you my best greetings and celebrate with you and your family.” Graven was still smiling, darkly. “We do not want trouble with you Graven; this will be the last time I ask you to leave.” I watched in horror as the men who were with Graven closed the door after all the screaming people had fled and then walked forward towards me and my mother. My mother had her arms wrapped around me and tears were in her eyes. I had a strange feeling that something bad was about to happen to my family. Then Graven’s face went from calm to furious as he turned to his men and spoke to them in a language I had never heard before. Then Graven looked back at my father and said, “Long live the king” as he smiled darkly again and took my father’s sword from his side and plunged it through him before my father could react. I screamed in horror as my mother sobbed and I watched my father’s body fall to the ground in front of Graven. I clinged to my mother as she sobbed and Graven approached us, his men grabbed my mother and I heard her screaming and then dead silence.

I stood there frozen in my fear as Graven spoke to me, “Now my dear tis your turn only the pain you endure will be far more worse than that of your parents.” Then all I remember seeing is white fangs and a sudden moment of pain on my neck, as I fell to the floor and my vision started to become blurry I saw Graven and his men disappear. I crawled over to my mother’s mangled, bloody body and sobbed. Then I felt a searing pain rip through my entire body and I tried to stand, but failed. I knew I had to leave the castle, so I took the secret passageway that led to the outside and into the woods. As I reached the edge of the woods the pain overtook my body and I fell to the ground in agony and everything went black.

When I woke up I felt strange and when I looked around everything seemed to look more defined and I could hear every sound crisp and clearer than ever before. My body felt stronger as I began to stand, and my head felt like someone had placed a 10 lb bowling ball on top of my shoulders. As I stumbled through the woods I kept hearing strange animal sounds as I tried to get them out of my head. I couldn’t remember anything that had happened and it frustrated me. I decided to sit against a tree and see if I could figure out some things. I tried concentrating on my memories, but as I tried my brain started to burn and all I could see were memories of flames and burning light. I screamed in horror again as I opened my eyes, What had happened to me? I thought, Who would do this to me and who was I?

As I stumbled some more in the woods I came across an old church building that night so I decided it would be good to sleep somewhere softer than the forest floor for a change. As I entered the building I noticed something different, but I couldn’t place what it was. After I found the bed and laid down I had a hard time falling asleep, I kept hearing sounds and I was still sore for some weird reason. After a few days of being in the church I noticed that there was something shiny and reflective in the bathroom, so I decided with great curiosity to check it out. As I wiped off the filthy grim I slowly uncovered the glassy surface, I almost jumped when I saw a figure standing there in the middle of the glassiness. Its eyes were golden amber, hair black as the darkness, skin pale as the snow, and figure of an athlete. The strange thing was when I moved so did the figure, I slowly brought my hand up to the glassy surface and as the tip of my pointer finger touched the cold surface so did the figure’s. That was when I realized the glassy surface I was looking into was a mirror and the figure in the mirror was me! As this shocking discovery sunk into my still pounding brain I remembered that I never used to look this way. Why had my eyes, skin, and hair changed? I wish I could remember why, and then I figured something was strange when I wasn’t craving human food, but instead I was craving blood. I had to find someone who could help me, but who and where? I decided to take a trip through the woods and try to discover who or what I am. I kept hearing a voice since the day I had awoken, “You will endure more pain…” Who had said it and why did it keep replaying in my head? There was something familiar about that voice, but I couldn’t figure out why. As I walked through the woods, with my head still burning slightly, I smelled small animals running throughout the trees and every once in awhile I would spot a rabbit hop from tree to a bush or from a bush to a hole. As I watched them I made a strange animal like noise, a hissing noise, and then before I could blink I was holding a twitching dying rabbit in my hands. I reached up to my mouth as I felt some strange, sticky, warm, liquid and then as I looked at my hands I realized there was blood stained all over them, and then the craving feeling came back as I drank the rabbits blood quickly.

As I sat down against a tree with my blood stained hands I sat there thinking, I have no control over my new body. I sat there and sobbed; I was in the middle of the woods, sucking a rabbit’s blood, and not knowing who I am. After about an hour of crying, I finally settled down and found a stream where I could wash my face and hands in. As I was washing my face I saw a black figure reflecting in the water, I swiftly turned around and standing there was a woman with unnatural eyes and red curly hair, blowing in the wind. She smiled at me before she spoke, “My dear you look terrible.” I looked at her confused, wondering if she had known me before I was like this. She motioned to come over to her and I did without hesitation. As I got closer her eyes changed from pale blue to bright green, her skin was as pale as mine. “Don’t be afraid I am here to help you, my dear.” I took her outstretched hand that was lowered towards my own. As we walked through the forest I felt our pace get faster, and before too long the trees were flying past us in a blur and I could barely feel the ground beneath my feet. She turned to face me and said, “This is called super speed, don’t worry you will get used to it in time.” Super speed I thought and then for the first time in a long time I smiled.

Reviews

[Donovan "Grey Wolf" Go..]

I like it but the super speed kinda makes it sound like a super hero insted of a vamp.

[Jo]

You do have a good start here, but there is a few things I want to point out to you. This might end up being quite long so please bear with me and remember that I'm only trying to help you improve your writing. Okay, here goes:

First of all, you're first sentence is really intriguing and it's perfect to pull the reader in. But I would tweak it just a bit so it flows better and makes a little more sense. This is what I would write "Looking through the window overlooking an angry crowd that wished you and your family were dead was definitely not a surprising picture to see early this morning while the sun peaked over the hills." I changed "while the sun was rising" because in my opinion, what you wrote seemed a little redundant. If it's early in the morning, one can already assume the sun is rising, of course.

Later, in the same paragraph, you have another redundancy. At the end of the paragraph, you restate that the main character doesn't want it, almost in the same words. That particular sentence is also awkward to read. Also note that every time a new character speaks it should start a new paragraph. There should also be a comma if the dialogue is followed by something like "I said" or "he explained". Another note, be wary of using exclamation points. Let your words speak for themself. It can be so much more powerful than using an exclamation point if written correctly. I'd also suggest that you vary your sentence length.

When you speak about the gown, you needn't say "floor-length" being that after the comma you say that the gown's train is dragging behind her. If the gown has a train, it surely is floor-length, yes? Cut of "in my floor-length gown" and it should make the sentence sound better.

Small note, when the main character goes up to the priest and they both nod to each other, instead of repeating nod twice in the same sentence (redundancy again), maybe something like "As I came up to the priest he nodded towards me and I returned the motion."

Now, in the following paragraphs where you have Graven burst into the room with his men, I would really like to see it written into a longer scene. Remember the phrase "show, not tell". I'm also confused about why the guards made no attempt to stop Graven. Yes, the main character's father shouted "guards" but besides that reference, I saw nothing else about them. That is, of course, Graven could have killed them before he entered the room and if he had, you could make a note of blood on his hands or something and a small comment that he might have killed the guards. But, surely, I would be thinking that there would be guards in the room with them. I would really like to see you work on that completely scene and make it longer. The way you have it written makes it seem rushed. I had to go back and reread to understand how exactly the girl's father was killed. You've only got one sentence about it. Make the scene longer and (dare I say it) more dramatic.

Also, why would Graven have left her after turning her? That doesn't make much sense to me after he said that the pain she would endure would be far worse than her parents. I'd also like to see you add more detail about the main character's surroundings.

As for the last few paragraphs as the main character wanders the forest and finds a mirror and so on, remember, once again "show, not tell". Don't narrate to your reader in this part. Let the reader inside the main characters head.

That's all for now. I sincerely hope this helps you.