Sweet Talker

Sweet Talker:

So, had I thought, was pensive

And pondered

The fact that your words sweetened

My day, my moments

My every mood

 

Keep it up, don’t be passive

I’ve wondered

How is it the way you treated

Me, myself,

My soul food

 

Your words are unique

Binary if you hadn't pleased

Getting to know or not

Can you Hear it in the breeze

 

Kind words of futures, projects

Goals ambition

Charity, careers,... driven

Opportunities given

 

I cannot say one more

Time

That it’s us as I rhyme

That I have our back

In times where fb friend adds

Attack

You know, I thought you fished

For mercats in the sea

Deep Faked videos

Of a sophisticated

Mean spirited AI

I did not see

 

I can’t tell you reality

Was altered

My soul had kept

Surging

Never faltered

 

Tell the stories

Of your life

The stories that

Will be mine

And I will definitely

Be your wife

https://soundcloud.com/xandria-mcqueen/sweet-talker?utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing&si=bb94353c22bf4946b63c6524aafec69c

Reviews

[Sami Khalil]

Sweet talkers are aplenty; serious keepers are few. I like your train of thought as life is training you with experience

[JayG]

Were I the one you're talking to in this piece, I'd know the why and how of it as I read. But lacking that, this is too general to be meaningful. For you, who have intent guiding your understanding it works as you indtend. But as a reader, what can this mean:
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Your words are unique
Binary if you hadn't pleased
-----
So, this person's words are unique? In what way? Only you know what they were.

And, line two makes no sense. Perhaps had you provided context, or my background wasn't in logic design, I'd know what you intended the word "binary" to mean to the reader.

In general, in this, and your other posted work, you're talking TO the reader, about things meaningful to you, often for reasons unstated. And too often, those words describe the effect of some unknown cause. Meaningful to you who know it, but to the reader?

E. L. Doctorow put it well when he said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Readers don't come to us to learn about us, and how unknown people we create feel. They want us to make THEM feel and care. Nonfiction skills of the kind we're given in school, when used for poetry, will tell the reader that the protagonist cried at a funeral. But using the skills of poetry, the words will give the READER a reason to weep. Of course, to do that you'll need those skills.

The thing we forget is that they have been developing and refining the techniques of poetry for centuries. And if we don't take advantage of that, we're in the position of trying to reinvent the wheel. Wilson Mizner wisely observed, “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So...research! Dig into the skills that they never mentioned as existing in school, where their job was to ready you for employment. After all, aside from greeting card companies, how many employers need us to write poetry?

My personal suggestion is to try a few chapters of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. The lady's both a poet and a teacher of note, and that book is filled with little gems that will make you wonder why you never noticed the point without having to be told.

https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

And for metrical poetry, her, Rules for the Dance is equally helpful.

So, sorry my news isn't better, but given that we'll not address the problem that we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Khloevhr]

Oh wow thanks. I will do a rewrite. thank you for your in depth comments