Birth

This is my first chapter of a new type of story. I would like your opinions on if you found it to be believable in regards to emotions? Also this is set in a futuristic world that is completely relient on technology. I will be using some terminology that

The colours that flitted and glided across the plasma screen pulsed ever so slightly. Numbers and bar charts were constantly updating themselves, all of them analysing each and every move the woman made. Mentel was beside himself with worry, he looked at the numbers and couldn’t make any sense of them, he was just a mechanic. Pressing his fingers against the glass, he looked into the room to where his wife lay inside the incubator. Suddenly, the entire glass barrier flashed a pink colour, in warning for him to remove his fingers. Mentel sighed and retreated back to the waiting room, hoping that his wife and baby would be okay.
It was in that moment that the numbers shot straight up and warning lights went wild. The doctors that were taking care of his wife took a few steps back to allow the automated machines to work on the pregnant woman.
Mentel, seeing the lights ran to the nearest doctor he could find and gripped their shoulders.
“Please! Tell me what is happening!” Tears started to form in his eyes as he looked over the doctors shoulder to see his wife’s body convulsing in pain.
“The machines are going to attempt to turn the baby.” With that the doctor tried to move out from under the mechanic’s grip, but his hands remained firm.
“What’s that! The percentage number right there… why is it going down!”
Taking a sigh, the doctor looked sadly to the report screen and calculated his response.
“It is the chances of her survival. You’re going to have to trust in our doctors, please be calm.”
Before he could speak again, the doctor lifted one of his hands from her shoulder and slipped out past him. Mentel, dropped to his knees, mumbling the words ‘No’ and ‘Please’ over and over again. One man walked up behind him and lay a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t worry mate, we’re living in a new age! Technology knows more than we could ever imagine and you of all people should know, machines don’t make mistakes.”

The mechanic tried to smile for the benefit of the stranger, even if only to be polite, yet his eyes never left the report screen. It currently read thirty-seven percent.
“I can’t live without her…” Mentel said aloud, grateful for the hand on his shoulder that stopped him from falling further.
“What’s her name?” the man asked. Mentel, his eyes fixed on the screen, didn’t even feel himself smile. “Her name is Osyria, just like the Stellar station.”
The warning lights continued to flash in warning, each plasma screen in the vicinity called for doctors to report to the incubation room. Automated machines were working faster now, one was dabbing Osyria’s face with a damp cloth as it contorted in pain. The machines themselves looked like giant mechanical arms that folded out from the walls and the ceiling. Each arm had a given task, some restrained her hands and legs so that her thrashing wouldn’t disturb the process. The cloth disappeared and it snapped back into the arm which then immediately produced a needle that took a blood sample from her right shoulder. Suddenly a new set of charts appeared on a plasma screen inside the room, causing the doctors to start taking notes.

Lifting Mentel to his feet, the man placed his arm around the mechanic whilst dragging a nearby chair closer for him to take a seat.
“Where did you meet her?” the man asked as he looked inside the room, trying to distract the man’s mind from the current pain of the situation.
Mentel however was in a daze, he was just staring dumbly from his wife’s face to the monitors that hung all around her. It now read twenty-four percent.
“She crashed her father’s hover bike, it was one of the old models and she couldn’t find any mechanic that knew about them, they were old things…”
Noticing that the tears were starting to form in Mentel’s eyes, the man gripped his shoulder.
“I was eating my lunch, it was around mid-day… I’ll never forget her eyes, emerald green. Ha, and her voice. I’ve never seen a woman curse like that…” Mentel said, his eyes clouded over as he thought back to the day they met.
“She was kicking the chassis of the hover bike, it was just a blown Daxon, but she was close to throwing it into the lake.”
“And did she?” The man asked, a sad smile on his face as he noticed the percentage fall down to a mere sixteen percent.
Mentel shook his head and one of his tears splashed down to his hand, “No, she thought of it… maybe just to hide the evidence from her father. The job should have taken four minutes, but I stayed there and talked to her for maybe three hours.”

The lights in the room were flashing more erratically now as one of the arms which held a circular plate lowered itself onto Osyria’s stomach. Almost immediately, an image of a child appeared on the screen followed by a new set of bar charts and percentages.
The man opened his mouth to speak, but Mentel was already continuing.
“…when I told her that I was finished and what the problem was, she unscrewed the repaired Daxon and told me that it should take another three hours to repair. We talked for the entire day.”

The glass suddenly tinted, obscuring all view of Osyria which caused Mentel to break out of his reverie and jump to his feet.
“Don’t worry! It just means that they’re going to deliver the baby now.” The man behind him said when the mechanic started to slam his fists against the glass.
“Trust me, they’re doing all that they can!” the man continued with a reassuring smile.
“How do you know that its okay? Why can’t I go in there?” Mentel said as he slumped his shoulders and lowered his head to rest against the screen.
“Well for one, look at you… You’ve oil all over your hands! You can’t be in there without getting a glean. And I know that it’s okay, the doctors explained it to me when my wife was having our child.” Mentel heard the unasked question in the man’s voice.
Taking a slow breath, the mechanic heard his voice break as he started to answer.
“We aren’t the wealthiest of couples, I had to work a lot to pay the bills and I couldn’t come to all the meetings. She always said that we’d be okay, that we’d be comfortable. We didn’t have anyone else and we didn’t need anyone else.”
“Look, don’t worr-” the man started, but Mentel cut him off.
“What do you think I’m going to do! My wife is dying! And there is only a five percent chance that my life will continue to be perfect, don’t tell me not to worry, she is my everything!”

Tears fell unashamedly down his face as he leaned against the window, ignoring the warning shocks that pulsed from it. Unknown to the mechanic, a younger woman walked up behind the friendly man and touched his shoulder. Turning around he smiled lightly before shaking his head. She nodded in agreement and started off towards the door. Mentel turned as she left, and faced the man.
“Can you imagine the pain of losing her?” the mechanic nodded to the door that the woman had just walked through.
The friendly man gave a reassuring smile, “I can, that’s why I’m here with you.” and after a moments thought, offered out his hand.
“By the way, I’m Skott Gryffon… and don’t worry about my wife, I just told her to wait in the car.”
“Mentel Creek.” the mechanic said and gave a thankful smile.
“It was the only time I had the courage to approach a girl, that day at the lake, and even then all I could talk about was a machine… I thought she was just listening politely as I babbled on.”
Skott smiled sadly as they both walked back to the chairs against the wall.
“But she started asking questions, she had been listening to me. She was so beautiful, her wild brown hair and slender frame, I never thought she would look twice at me.” Mentel said with a sigh as he wiped the tears from his blue eyes.
“I helped her take that hover bike back eventually. She even wanted me to meet her father there and then! I think it was the longest break I took from work, but I didn’t care, my father did, but I didn’t.”
“You work for your father?” Skott asked politely as he twisted his chair so his back was to the numbers on the screen behind him.
Looking at the mechanic, he learned that he was a thin man with jet black hair and sapphire blue eyes. His work clothes were ragged and oil stained, and his hands bore calluses from a life of hard work.
“No, I worked for my father, he died just after our wedding. I learned his trade, I suppose it was a family business.”

Mentel started to wring his hands together and his gaze nervously glanced from his stained hands to the plasma screen on the wall. His stomach was doing flips with the nerves, it was only when he had returned home from work that he had gotten the holographic fax from the hospital. Normally he switched off the holo-fax’s in his workshop because he found them to usually be polluted with advertising sites and suppliers asking for their payments. Neither of which he liked talking to.
“Will your child continue the family business?” Skott asked, trying to keep eye contact with the mechanic so he would stop looking at the screen. Mentel stopped for a moment and considered the question for the first time, a moment later, a smile started to curve across his face and he laughed. Skott was amazed at the transformation his face took, it was as though he became ten years younger when he smiled.
“No, our child wont become a mechanic. Osyria and I saved up so we could send him or her to one of the top universities to become a doctor or a lawyer. We want our baby to have a good life, the life of a mechanic is… just not enough.”
Skott smiled, “You didn’t find out the gender of the baby?”
Shaking his head, Mentel looked toward the glass sadly, “She loved winning arguments, we both thought that if we knew the gender we would argue over the name constantly.”
The man smiled at the response and followed the mechanic’s gaze toward the screen.

An hour passed and the two men sat, just talking of the mechanic’s past and what his plans were for the future. After some time, one of the doctors approached them with a sad look on her face.
“Excuse me, Mr. Creek?” Mentel looked at her, his eyes immediately going toward the plasma screen which had been turned off moments before. The mechanic started to get to his feet, but the woman ushered him to sit back down. Her face grew even more sad when she saw the child like comprehension wash over his face. “I’m sorry, Mr. Creek… Your wife died in childbirth.”
Putting his head in his hands, Mentel cried openly as the torrent of sadness broke through him.
“Please, I need you to come with me.” The doctor said to the mechanic before gesturing to Skott to help him come. The two men walked into the room, but the sight of his wife made Mentel cry even more. There was still sweat on her brow and her face no longer showed the pain she felt up until her death.
“She is just as beautiful as the day at the lake…” Mentel said softly as he slowly brushed back a lock of brown hair that was clinging to her damp forehead.
“Mr. Creek, we’re going to need you to chose a name?”
Turning around, the mechanic choked on his own breath as he looked into the same emerald eyes that he married. The doctor smiled as she gave the baby to the startled man.
“The baby survived?” he asked in wonder.
“Yes, he’s a healthy baby boy. Some slight irregularities that we would like to keep under observation, but healthy as any newborn.” The doctor answered as she adjusted the mechanic’s arms so he could support the child’s head.
“He’s so small, his eyes… they’re her eyes!” Mentel was smiling sadly as he turned to his wife, “He has your eyes…” Skott gripped his shoulder and smiled at him.
“He’ll be a strong one for sure.”
The doctor smiled with the two men but she cleared her throat ever so slightly to regain their attention. In her hand she held what looked like a gun of some description.
“What is his name?” The doctor asked once again reassuringly, her fingers ready to enter his response into the gun. Looking back to his wife, Mentel raised a hand and touched her face lovingly, “He’ll be named after his mother, his name is Osiris Creek.”
The doctor smiled and entered the name before approaching the child and pressing its muzzle against Osiris’ wrist. Mentel held his son steady as the identity chip was inserted. After a small click, the process was finished and the doctor frowned.
“Most children cry when we do that… do you mind if we just do a check on his vocal chords?” But just after she asked the question, Osiris grabbed Mentel’s wedding ring and clutched it to his chest, giggling wildly.
The doctor smiled again, “Don’t worry, It would just seem that he’s a tough one. We’ll process the information and the details soon. If you want, we can take the child so you can spend some time with her?”
Mentel, still beaming down at his son barely heard the doctor, “No, It’s okay… I’ll keep him here with me. I want to talk to him for a while.” The doctor nodded and led the other man out of the room, but just before he left, Mentel called out to him.
“Thank you for all your help, Skott.”
Waving a hand through his brown hair, Skott smiled, “Don’t worry about it. Keep in touch and tell me if you need anything, I’m usually in here with my wife anyway.” Mentel didn’t ask him any questions, he just smiled as Skott took his leave. Turning back to his son, Mentel was captivated. Smiling at his wife he felt another tear fall down his cheek, “I wish you could see him…”
The mechanic stayed in that small room for the entire night with his family, talking to his wife and to his son. He never wanted the moment to end.
 

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think. I hope you like it. :)

Reviews

[Scott Free]

I love Skott! Even though he's me.
Oh, but man, this is good. I was nearly crying towards the end, too. Your emotions were very strong and this seemed pretty smooth althroughout.
There were one or two minor sentence changes I'd suggest;
"Looking at the mechanic, he learned that he was a thin man with jet black hair and sapphire blue eyes. His work clothes were ragged and oil stained, and his hands bore calluses from a life of hard work."
At this point, it seems like I...er, Skott would have looked at him before this. And besides, it seems like this whole scene is in Mentel's POV so it's sort of confusing to have you switch into mine...er, Skott's, for a moment.
Also;
""He's so small, his eyes� they're her eyes!" Mentel was smiling sadly as he turned to his wife,
"He has your eyes�" Skott gripped his shoulder and smiled at him."
This didn't make sense. Mentel says the baby's eyes are her eyes, and then Skott goes 'No they aren't, they're your eyes?'
I didn't quite get that. Maybe
"He has your hair," Skott gripped his shoulder and smiled."
Or something like that.
Other than these little things this was probably the best piece of work I've seen of yours!
Good job.

~S

[Ankit Mahar]

As far as I've read it, it seems to be an awesome novel. I'll sure come later to read it. But it is an amazing start for a novel. I hope that you've done good work in the later chapters.
And one more thing. I am also writing a science fiction novel these days so a some tips from a good writer such you will be very helpful.
Overall, I liked your book very much and have bookmarked the page so that I could come back later on and complete it.
Keep up the good work. You'll make a pretty good writer.
-Your friend and fan
Peace :-)

[A.Lee]

Interesting! What a way to start off a book. But you did a great job with it. It flowed easily and the way you wrote it kept you wondering whether his wife would survive the birth or not. Well written.

[Mandi]

wow you're a good writer

[Gregory Hill]

Really great, there is a grammer stuff I will get out of the way first.

Pressing his fingers against the glass, he looked into the room to where his wife lay inside the incubator.
You said into and then to right after this, it kinda threw me off, you could just take out the second to and it would be good.

It is kinda confusing, is Mentel the mechanic? or is it the other man? or both? maybe making it a little clearer will be good.

"Well for one, look at you� You've oil all over your hands! You can't be in there without getting a glean.

Misspelled clean.


Overall great job, I really like the way this is going, and you're a gret writer. I definatly will read the rest of the story but right now I can't, I will get to it soon, Gj.

[N]

Yeah, I found the emotions very believable. From the lines, ""Please! Tell me what is happening!" Tears started to form in his eyes as he looked over the doctors shoulder to see his wife's body convulsing in pain." and for the rest of the story, I felt sadness building up inside me.
I was relieved that at least the baby lived. This is such a sad story, but I feel a bit of hope at the end.
I am definitely hooked. I have to read the other chapters.
Great job. I loved it.

[54321]

I LOVE it! I am hooked!!!!! Thanks for messaging me. This is great! The emotions are unmistakably real. I almost cried! I found it really attention keeping to read and I really loved the attention to detail. Its like a mix between brave new world, back to the future, and this movie I watched one time where people were "engineered to have perfect genes..." But yet unique in its own. The descriptions of the glass walls with the charts and the plasma's I've got the whole picture in my head. And I had a crystal image of them Mentel almost falls and he is crying... The emotions the reader feels when his wife's survival rate is dropping are tricky, you know that she is most likely not going to make ut but some part of you still wants her to live. But then when she doesn't it only makes the story better and unique and keeps my wondering what will happen next because of that one unexpected twist!?

And who is this Skott character? I his wife a nurse? Why was he allowed in the "room" all kinds of new thing when you create a futuristic world. He will be coming back for sure... I feel like he's an important character?

Oh I am so excited. You use vocab really well too! "erratic lights" It's such a great scene! You have a path ahead of you sir! I can't wait to tag along!

Regards,
Stephanie