Part IV: July [Section Two] & Epilogue

This is the last part of the story and the epilogue. I decided to combine them so it's less confusing.

Part IV: July [Section Two]

 

 

[JOHNNY]

   Runo was shaking very hard as they waited in line for security at the DFW airport. Their bags were packed and they had their passports (Runo had gotten hers just last week with the help of Cynthia and Gavin) Cynthia and Gavin were a little concerned for Runo to go on this trip.

 

   Ever since they'd had sex, Johnny looked at Runo in a whole new way. She had always been beautiful but since he'd lost his virginity to her, she owned a piece of his soul now.

 

   He kept forgetting the only time Runo had flown she wouldn't be able to remember. She must have been about 2 with Kukka and Jalo when they brought her to the states from Helsinki. He knew Runo was nervous to try and communicate with the Finns because her Finnish was very broken. He knew she was extremely nervous to meet Kukka and Jalo as well. Johnny didn't blame her for being nervous, these were her parents who had given her up because they were too young and wild and free to parent her.

 

   Johnny had only talked to Kukka once, she spoke very broken English but she seemed normal enough. Kukka said that her and Jalo were eternally grateful for Johnny finding them through Aleski. They wanted to see their daughter so badly. Aleski was so generous to pay for first class airplane tickets and a really nice hotel in Helsinki. And to top it all off, Cynthia and Gavin had given them each $500 for food, shopping, etc. They both almost felt guilty but accepted it very happily.

 

   Getting through security made Runo a nervous wreck. Once they got to their gate, she looked ashen. "Are you alright, Runo? Everything is going to be fine. I've flown several times. It really is no big deal once you get up in the air. You'll probably sleep most of the way anyway." He was saying everything he could to get her to calm down.

 

   "I know, I'm just so nervous. What if something goes wrong?" she looked like she was about to start crying. "I  have some Xanax that Cynthia gave me, the doctors gave them to me when I discharged at the hospital but I've never taken any. Cynthia said she takes them too and they really help with anxiety. Do you think it will help? My hands are clammy and I'm dizzy. Johnny, I think I'm having a panic attack!"

 

   Johnny was very against prescription drugs because of his pill popping, alcoholic mother. He didn't want Runo to become a pill popper like his mother, relying on Xanax which was in fact, one of the pills she abused. Runo did not look well though. He felt her hands and they were really clammy. She was seriously on the verge of a panic attack, and if she had one they most likely wouldn't be going to Helsinki. He knew deep down how badly Runo wanted to do this.

 

   "Take a half of one now, and the other half when we get up in the air." Johnny instructed firmly. "Cynthia said I could have 3 in 24 hours." That's exactly where it starts Johnny thought to himself. "You do what you want but that sounds dangerous to me." Maybe he was being a bit overprotective. "Why are you being all weird about Xanax?" Runo asked crossly in a state of confusion. "My mom..." he began. "That's one of the prescription drugs she abuses."

 

   "Oh Johnny, I forgot about that. Now you know that on normal circumstances I would appease you and not take the Xanax but I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart, I need something to calm me down. Cynthia says she takes these too when she travels." Johnny could tell she really was desperate for anything to slow down her racing thoughts and anxiety. As long as she didn't take it every day this would be fine, Johnny thought to himself as he watched Runo's pitiful, desperate state.

 

   "Okay, go ahead and take one but wait a few minutes because it might make you sleepy, you need to make sure you can walk on the plane. I know something else that might cheer you up." "They have smoking sections in the airport?" Runo asked perking up. "No, trust me I wish they did. I'm dying for a cigarette. Isn't Starbucks the next best thing?" "Of course!" Runo said in complete disbelief that they had Starbucks in the airport.

 

   Johnny noticed her breathing was slowing down just a little bit, and she was a tad bit calmer. "We have 30 minutes until we board the plane, but since we're first class it might be a couple of minutes before." "First class?!" Runo asked in disbelief once again. "Aleski paid for first class for us?" She almost sounded disgusted. "Yeah, I thought I told you that. He's a very generous man, your uncle." "But he's never even met us, why would he do that?" Runo still became uneasy about people doing nice things for her, but even more so with people she didn't know apparently. Runo seriously needed to calm down. She was causing a scene and it was bothering Johnny that there was nothing he could do to console her.

 

   She did need to take that Xanax, Runo never acted like this. They ordered their coffee and when they sat down he asked her: "Did you take the pill?" "Yeah I just did a couple of minutes ago. It's not working." "Well hang on 10 more minute until we board and then I think it will calm you down by then."

 

   Johnny didn't know how they were going to get from Dallas to Heathrow Airport in London, get through a 2 hour layover, and then get on the second flight to Helsink-Vantaa airport, which would be about 2 hours and 40 minutes. How was Runo going to handle all of this? This was going to be a long several hours of travel, Johnny thought to himself, especially with Runo acting this way. He looked over at her and realized he couldn't stay mad at her for very long. She was too precious.

 

   "Johnny, I've calmed down but I'm still scared." "What are you afraid of?" She started on a tangent of her fears but was interrupted when they announced that first class to London's Heathrow Airport was now boarding. Runo got all wide-eyed like a dear in headlights. "Runo honey, please take some deep breaths. This is going to be fun. Come on." She hesitated for a minute and looked like she was about to cry. "Runo, have I ever lead you wrong?" She couldn't argue with that. She reluctantly took his hand and they boarded the flight to London.

 

   The seats were like a small bed. They laid all the way back and the plane was so spacious. Johnny had flown several times in his life but never in first class, and never overseas. Runo didn't want to sit next to the window, it didn't bother Johnny either way. She had tears streaming down her cheeks. "Baby, what's wrong?" "I'm just scared that they aren't going to like me."

 

   She started crying very hard, not caring that people were looking at them on the plane. He hadn't seen her like this in months. Suddenly he felt really bad. Had he done the wrong thing by locating her parents? He tried his best to calm her down. "Baby, they are your parents, even though they didn't raise you they love you unconditionally. When I talked to Kukka she said they were more than excited to meet you and have you come to Helsinki. Maybe you should have talked to her on the phone first, it might have been easier." "I just need to think..." she said with pressured speech.

 

   Johnny thought quickly of something to say: "Well you have 8 hours and 50 minutes to think about whatever you want. But Runo, I thought this was what you wanted, to meet Kukka and Jalo: your parents." "I do want to meet them, I'm just nervous. You don't understand because you have known your family your whole life." He had nothing to say to that. He could't argue with her- he had no idea what it would be like to live your whole life in foster care and not know your history and he never would. He couldn't emphasize with her on that aspect. All he could do was love her and try and show her support.

 

   He looked over at her and she was already sound asleep. That Xanax must have hit her already. Johnny got out his poetry notebook and decided to scribble down his feelings.

 

"Crystal Tears

 

Have I done wrong?

Have I opened up old wounds?

I gaze at her speechless

For I will never truly be able

To fathom such enormous heartache

As you laid in my arms so many times

All I hoped for was to heal you

Yet can I ever offer you

Healing hands of solace?

When I have no clue, no reasonings

Of how and when it began

Have I caused you more sorrow

By revealing the demon known as the past?

Should it have remained a secret

In a locked box underneath the ocean?

The emeralds called your eyes

Will never lie to me

I can read you so clearly

As the crystal tears sting

I watch you lying there deep in slumber

While we are hours away

From unveiling the truth of your life

And now I am wondering

As you are crazed and panicked

If I should have never tried

To bring you this peace of mind.

 

   As the plane began to take off Johnny was cursing himself for this whole thing, for bringing Runo into this mess. Perhaps it was going to be too much for her, and now there was nothing he could do.

***********************************************************[SYLVIA]

   Her father greeted here at the airport and she hugged him tightly. No Runo. No Johnny. "So they actually went through with it I guess?" Sylvia said with disgust in her voice as they waited for her suitcase at baggage claim. "Yeah, I'm not entirely sure how it's going to go. Runo seemed a little nervous." "I think it's bullshit." she said sharply. "I'm his f*****g little sister. He put her before me. He knew how important this home visit was to me. She could have gone to Finland alone."

 

   At first the anger was just at Johnny, but now it was at both of them. "Sylvia, calm down. He's in love. You've never had a real boyfriend and you can't imagine what ordeal he went through in his head. It was a very hard choice for him. Runo felt bad as well. I can't believe you said she should have gone alone. She is a very sweet girl. Would you want to go to a foreign country alone and meet you parents who gave you away because they were irresponsible and had sex too young? Runo is a very sweet girl and I'm so glad your brother fell in love with her as opposed to some of the other sleezy girls in this town. You need to step outside yourself and put yourself in someone else's shoes."

 

This made Sylvia even more pissed off. Her face was turning red. Why did her dad have to be such a dick? For a moment she thought of Idaho and the program for a minute and she thought 'f**k treatment'. She laughed inside her head.

 

   "Are you really going to be in a bad mood the whole time?" Michael asked as they walked to the car. "Because I can put you right back on a plane to Boise, young lady. You need to think of what you have learned over there." The more her father talked the more Sylvia wanted to rebel. Abruptly she realized as they drove in silence she felt like she had no one, no family, no friends. Nobody.

 

   As they pulled into the apartment complex she had conjured up a plan to call Ryan while she was home. Ryan was the guy she used to pal around with her father had mentioned earlier. He was 19 and used to give her alcohol when she would sneak out of the apartment to see him. She didn't care if he was 6 years older than her, it made her feel special. They'd had a physical relationship but her father didn't know she'd had sex with him several times. Her father just didn't need to know that. It was better left unsaid. She didn't love Ryan and she had a pretty strong feeling he was using her but she didn't give a s**t. She was using him right back.

 

    She thought about it and all of a sudden, making out and drinking alcohol for the first time in months seemed more important than a stupid treatment graduation. Her priorities had shifted tremendously and she didn't give a damn.

***********************************************************

[RUNO]

   Runo abruptly woke up and almost everyone else in first class was asleep, including Johnny. She glanced at the little screen in front of her and it said there was still 4 hours and 39 minutes until they landed in London. She had been asleep for a very long time but the Xanax had really helped her. She thought about taking another one but she thought of Johnny's poor mother who was addicted to all sorts of pills, she didn't want to be like that. That was the last thing she wanted.

 

   She felt guilty for her behavior in the airport, but she really couldn't help it. Flying was scary as Hell until they got settled on the plane. She was still very anxiety ridden about seeing Kukka and Jalo and what they would think of her. She was nervous because they had given her up as a precious 2 year old, what made her think they would want to spend time with her now? She was worried about awkwardness and running out of things to talk about. All of these things were very normal but her emotions had gotten the better of her before they had gotten on the plane.

 

   Johnny was sound asleep, she didn't have the heart to wake him up. She noticed his poetry notebook. She didn't want to be nosy but something tempted her to read it. She wanted to make sure he hadn't written anything bad about her earlier. She glanced at some of the poems that he wrote about her when they first met and they made her smile. Then she read his most recent, he had just written a few hours ago called: "Crystal Tears" and her heart sank because of how bad and guilty he felt for bringing her into this situation.

 

   He had done nothing wrong. She had always been afraid to meet her parents, it had just never been this tangible before. Just because she was afraid didn't mean she didn't want to meet them. She had to step outside her comfort zone and the flying thing wasn't so bad after all. She sat the notebook back in Johnny's lap very carefully, not to wake him up. She wished she could talk to him about that poem but she didn't want to risk pissing him off.

 

   They had only shared each other's poetry twice, Runo was very private about her poems even though she trusted Johnny with all her heart, she was very self conscious. She didn't feel like she could go back to sleep and it was still over 3 hours until they landed. She got out her poetry books of Dylan Thomas and T.S. Elliot and studied several poems including "Love In The Asylum" and "The Hollow Men" Poetry fascinated her so much. She glanced at the monitor displaying the time and there was 2 and a half hours left. She decided this would be a good time to write to Sisko.

 

Dear Sisko                                         July 14

   I'm still on the plane to London. There's a little under 3 hours left. I feel bad for what I did to Johnny in the airport. I had a panic attack and I took Xanax and that upset him because of his mother. Then, I know I shouldn't have done this but I looked at his poetry notebook and he wrote a poem about how he thinks meeting Kukka and Jalo will be too much for me and how he fucked up and did the wrong thing. I am nervous but I know this is truly something I want to do deep down. Flying isn't as scary as I thought it would be, especially in first class. I just hope this trip goes smoothly. I hope my parents are nice to me. Kukka is only 32 since she had me when she was 14, and Jalo is 35. They're just about the same age as Gavin and Cynthia. I want to talk to Johnny about his poem but I can't let him know I looked through his s**t. I just got done reading and studying: "The Hollow Men" by T.S. Elliot and "Vision and Prayer" by Dylan Thomas. Here are my favorite stanzas from these two in particular:

 

From: "The Hollow Men"

by T.S. Elliot

"Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the shadow

 

For thine is the kingdom.

 

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the shadow

 

Life is very long

 

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the shadow

 

For thine is the kingdom"

 

And also this is the sixth section from "Vision and Prayer" by Dylan Thomas.

 

The

Born Sea

Praised the sun

The finding one

And upright Adam

Sang upon origin!

O the wings of the children!

   The woundward flight of the ancient

Young from the canyons of oblivion!

The sky stride of the always slain

In battle! The happening

Of saints to their vision!

The wolld came winding home!

And the whole pain

Flowers open

And I

Die.

 

 

Rakastan Sinua,

Runo

 

   Runo was filled with joy and warmth as she read Dylan Thomas' and T.S. Elliot's words. She knew her poetry could never compare to theirs but she felt like it wold be a good time for her to write her own. She wanted to write about her own feelings about this trip.

 

"The Fearless Quest

 

Beginning a trek

To trace my time back to the start

Of my origin and basis

To embark on a quest

To make 2 strangers my family

To unlock the pain

And the questions causing me to pace the room

I am in love, this is true

Sometimes that is all I need

But at times the cry of the battle

Is calling me home as I waited in the cellar

For a call, for a contact

So many years slipped away on end

The trill of time left me no solace

No answers to scavenge or accept

While I waited in purgatory

To exhale one last breath

Before the questions start to drizzle

And the stark hole of oblivion

Blinks and fades to dust

And now I have no more words left

 To slide off my tongue"

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   They waited in the mundane London airport for their 2 hour layover to be over. Johnny hoped and prayed that Runo's anxiety didn't come back to the surface. He'd woken up about an hour ago and she seemed in much better spirits.

 

   It felt good to get off the plane and stretch their legs in the Heathrow London airport. London was 6 hours ahead of Dallas, it was about 3:00 AM in London and 9:00 PM the day before in Dallas. Johnny felt really screwed up and Runo said she felt the same. They had never experienced a time change like this. Once they got to Helsinki the time would be 2 more hours ahead of London, and 8 hours ahead of Dallas. So they would be landing in Helsinki around 10:30

AM give or take a few minutes.

 

   They found a Starbucks in the London airport and went immediately to try and wake up. They both felt very disoriented. Runo talked about reading T.S. Elliot and Dylan Thomas on the plane and she said she was interested in getting a quote from a poem tattooed on her when they got back to Texas, since she was turning 18. She begged Johnny to take her and he agreed.

 

   Runo said she would be getting a quote from Dylan Thomas' "Fern Hill", the poem she was reading the very first day they met. "Though I sang in my chains like the sea." was the quote she wanted on her wrist. Johnny thought for a while and realized that he wanted a quote from E.E. Cummings that also reminded him of Runo. "Until out of merely not nothings comes only one snowflake(and we speak our names"

 

   As they sat in the airport discussing tattoos that they might possibly get when they returned to Texas, Johnny couldn't help but notice that even though Runo had calmed down she still seemed a bit anxious about the whole thing. He couldn't take it anymore so he asked her: "Baby, are you wishing we didn't do this? If you want to back out of the Helsinki thing I'm sure your Aunt and Uncle would understand completely if this is too much for you." "No! This is what I want to do!" she said a few pitches too loud. "It's hard but it is necessary for me. You didn't make a mistake, this is something I've dreamed of since before I can remember. I need to calm the questions bursting within my soul. I have to do this!" she said smoothly. Johnny loved when she got so passionate.

 

   "Okay, okay. I just needed to double check. You've seemed like such a basket case since we started traveling. I just don't want you to end up in an uncomfortable position." he leaned across the table and gave her a sweet kiss on her cheek.

 

   "Well obviously it is going to make me uncomfortable but it needs to happen. I want to have the answers to my mystery past. I want to meet the people who gave me life, I want to see Finland. Johnny quit making yourself feel bad. You have not done a damn thing wrong. I love you."

 

   "Okay, I'll quit being paranoid but if at any time you want to go home early, you tell me right away and I'll call Aleski and tell him. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, okay?" "Deal." she said.

 

   They still had over an hour before they boarded the plane to Helsinki.  "What time is it at home?" Johnny asked Runo who was exceptionally good at doing mathematical equations in her head, and he was terrible at. "It's 8:16 PM since it's 2:16 AM here. We are ahead 6 hours. "Thanks, baby. I think I will call my dad and see how Sylvia is doing and let him know we made it to London." The caffeine had started to kick in and Johnny was feeling human again after the jet-lag. He took out his phone and punched in his father's number.

***********************************************************

[SYLVIA]

   The only thing Sylvia had been enjoying about being at home were the freedoms of not having to always be on a schedule, not having to ask to go in every single room in the house, and not having to share a bathroom with 3 other girls. And of course, not having everything have a therapeutic twist.

 

   Sylvia and her father were barely speaking. He'd been being an a*****e to her and she still fully planned on sneaking out with Ryan after her father went to sleep. Then she overheard Michael talking to someone on the phone. Who could her father be talking to saying things like: "Well, she's been extremely defiant." and "She has a huge attitude problem." Certainly not her mother? Maybe Dr. Allen?

 

   After a few more comments he called her to the phone. "Here. It's your brother." Anger swarmed through all of her as she held the phone in her hand. Part of her was telling her to be nice but the other part of her didn't give a s**t. "Hello?" she said with a huge hint of annoyance in her voice. "Hey Sis! How is it to be home?" This was it. She was going to let him have it. "It f*****g sucks that you're not here. You've totally neglected me who you've known for 13 f*****g years, for a stupid b***h you have only known for 4 months! It's totally pathetic. If you want to know what I think you're a sorry excuse for a brother. I'm not going to talk to you anymore. Hope you have a nice time in a foreign country that you have no business being in. Oh, and tell Runo thanks for stealing my brother." Tears were streaming down her face as she shoved the phone to her father.

 

   She didn't care to eavesdrop but as soon as she was shutting the door to her room she heard her father say: "I know. I'm going to get my money back from that damn place, I swear to God." She burst into tears and closed the door. After she cried for a few minutes she straightened her hair and makeup and called Ryan's number from memory. "Hello?" "Hey, Ryan! It's Sylvia, do you remember me?" she asked hoping he would more than anything. He paused for a moment. "Oh yes, Sylvia. You're the 13-year-old who can drink like a fish. Yes, I remember you very well" he said laughing an almost evil laugh.

 

   He continued on: "I thought you died or something when the calls stopped. Where the hell have you been?" She sighed. "In an all-girls treatment center in f*****g Idaho. It sucked! But I was wondering, I would love to get fucked up tonight and see you of course..." she said being as seductive as she knew how. "That sounds like a plan. When can I pick you up?" She hesitated. She knew her father went to bed pretty early but she didn't want to risk getting caught. "How about 12:30?" she asked. "I will be there!"

Sylvia hung up the phone and shrieked with delight.

***********************************************************

[RUNO]

   She felt like complete s**t. Sylvia had spoken so loud on the phone call with Johnny that she had heard every word. She almost started bawling as she remembered her and Sylvia together in the psych ward and how close they were. Now Sylvia hated her. While Runo was emotional, Johnny was completely angry with her. He kept cursing Sylvia saying: "That stupid b***h" and "that spoiled brat" among other things.

 

   They only had 20 minutes left until they got on the plane bound for Helsinki. But she had to tell Johnny: "Maybe you should go back to Texas and be with your sister. She needs you. I'll go to Finland by myself." She wasn't saying it for sympathy either, she really meant it. She would be terrified to go to Helsinki alone but she hated to come between a brother and sister.

 

   "Are you crazy, Runo? Hell no I'm not going to cater to her every beckon call. I'm a f*****g adult. She needs to grow up. I'm serious, this is a good reality check for her." "Are you sure?" Runo was doing everything in her power to hold back her tears. "Please, if I didn't want to come on this trip with you I wouldn't have. Sylvia is my sister, but you are my soul mate. You are my everything and more. We've grown up. It's not like I'm 11 and she's 6 and I treasure the fact that she worships the ground I walk on and I have to take care of her. She needs to face the facts." he said as he kissed the tears off of her cheeks, not caring that people were staring.

 

   Just then they were called to board the flight to Helsinki. Runo's heart was galloping. Now she was 2 hours and 40 minutes away from Helsinki! Her home town! She had to get excited and push the thoughts of Sylvia away. She had waited too long for this. Helsinki was a place she had only visited in her dreams.

 

   As they sat on the plane waiting for take off, she still couldn't help feeling bad for Sylvia and wondering what dangerous thing she might do. She wished she could talk to Sylvia and explain that she had never meant to come between her and Johnny but one thing led to another and they had truly fallen in love. But she knew she would be the last person Sylvia would want to talk to. She knew that for a fact.

 

   She wanted to sleep on the flight to Helsinki, and her nerves were shot from all this drama with Sylvia. She wanted to take another Xanax so that she could calm down and sleep. She hesitated but asked Johnny if she should take another and he nearly had a heart attack. "You're becoming addicted!" he said with complete fear in his voice. He must really be traumatized from his mother, but this was bullshit.

 

   "You can't get addicted to Xanax taking it twice." she said defensively. "I know that, I just don't want you to become like my mother." "Johnny do you really think I would let my sanity go like that? Look at me I am one of the most careful people in the world! Flying is just a little scary for me, it's not like I take it on a daily basis, just when I fly."

 

   They were almost whispering. He took her hands. "Look at me, Runo. You used to sew your cuts back together yourself from self-mutilation.” Suddenly she was defensive. The razor and all that entailed was something very very sacred to her and she was still struggling with the urges to do it. She yanked her hands away from Johnny's. She had never been mad at Johnny like this before but he had crossed the line.

 

   "Are you trying to say that I'm crazy?" She was pissed. "Baby, no please don't take it like that." It suddenly hit Runo that they had been bickering on and off this whole trip so far. How was it that 3 days ago they were having sweet passionate sex? What was coming between them? Johnny had tears glistening in his eyes and as far as Runo could recall the only time she had seen Johnny cry was when they sat at Starbucks and she told him her life story. Something about the tension of traveling didn't agree with them.

 

   She was still mad about the comment of the razor. "I can't believe that after all we've been through, all I've confided in you that you would call me crazy in an indirect manner like that. What the f**k is wrong with you?" They couldn't have this argument much longer on the plane or someone would complain.

 

   Johnny was getting pretty worked up. "I phrased it wrong...I'm so sorry will you please give me a chance to explain what I meant to say?" "One chance..." Runo said in disbelief that she was being this cold to her Johnny. "What I meant to say is that sometimes you can be very impulsive and do things without thinking."

 

   The tears were falling. Suddenly she felt horrible with everything Johnny was going through with Sylvia, this was the last thing he needed. She quickly reached over and grabbed his hand. "I love you Johnny. I love you with all my heart and soul. I'm sorry, I'm just a little oversensitive right now because I'm nervous to meet my parents and I feel like s**t about you and Sylvia. I am impulsive. I'll admit it, but I have the common sense not to become a pill popper. I haven't cut in a while now and I'm learning how to cope without it. I've come so far and the only way I've been able to is through you."

 

   They ignored the flight attendant explaining the safety features as the plane prepared for take off. "You're not going to leave me?" Johnny said wiping the tears from his eyes. "Never. You're stuck with me." Runo said giving him a quick kiss. "That's exactly how I want it to be. Let's stop arguing and enjoy this trip. You've been waiting for this your whole life."

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   Runo was sleeping soundly as soon as the plane got up in the air. Johnny hated arguing with her, he totally hated it. He couldn't believe he was projecting his fear of his mother onto Runo and he couldn't believe he brought up self-injury like that. With all the thoughts about Sylvia mixed up inside his head he had forgotten how sensitive Runo was about "the razor" as she called it. He should have known not to bring it up like that. He should have been more careful.

 

   She was too beautiful to be treated that way. He wanted to kick himself and that s**t with Sylvia had him pissed off like none other. Even though he loved his little sister, Runo now came first in his life. Sylvia was just going to have to accept it or they weren't going to be on very good terms any longer. Sylvia was acting like a spoiled brat.

 

   Johnny was so frustrated at himself that he had upset Runo so badly at this high stress time of going to Helsinki. He watched her sleep in her Xanax induced sleep and couldn't help think of his mother. He shook his head to get rid of the image and then he did something he had not done in years. He thought of his mother, Samantha.

  

   He thought of when he was a little boy how she would be passed out cold in the living room with the shades drawn and how his father used to take care of him when she drank too much. He remembered when Sylvia was born when he was 5 and how she would try to sober up and make her life right and it finally seemed like they were on the right track to becoming a normal family but then she'd fall off the wagon.

 

   He remembered the fights her and his Dad would have over the booze and the pills. They tried marriage counseling but things only got worse. He remembered sometimes huddling with Sylvia when she got older, about 3 and he was 8 and his parents were screaming so loud that it seemed to Johnny that the house was going to cave in. Sylvia would cry and he would have to console her. He remembered how his father would hide her pills and refuse to give her money so she couldn't buy anything else. Somehow, Samantha always found a way to get more.

 

   He thought of when his father would be at work and she would invite strange men over and take them to the bedroom then lie to their father about it when Sylvia asked their father: "Daddy, why are other men going in you and mommy's bedroom?" And finally he remembered when he was 14 and Sylvia was 9 she became physically abusive with them when their father wasn't at home for no reason at all. Finally they divorced 4 months later when Michael had seen Sylvia with a black eye.

 

   Samantha was a crazy woman. Sylvia and Johnny told their father everything and the courts had given sole custody to Michael with supervised visits on every other weekend with Samantha. She was required to go to NA and AA meetings but she never took them seriously and one time was caught drinking in the parking lot at NA. She'd been in jail several times.

 

   Johnny remembered his mother in the hospital for almost killing herself with a concoction of pills and alcohol that was almost lethal. She was lucky to be alive. Johnny and Sylvia didn't go see her at the hospital. She kept violating her custody rights and she would show up at the Blackwell's home and she would verbally abuse her children and Michael. Johnny couldn't remember all the horrible things she said. He didn't want to.

 

   The last time Johnny and Sylvia saw their mother was 6 months ago, right before they left San Antonio to get away from her for good. She looked even worse than before.  Johnny loved his mother but she terrified him. He wished more than anything she could get her life right but he knew that wouldn't be possible with her abusing prescription pills and alcohol the way she was, she took all kinds of pills...muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, pain killers, etc and anything that contained alcohol she was more than willing to guzzle down.

 

   She was, in some form, a monster to Johnny and Sylvia. They wanted nothing to do with her. Then came the death threats towards Michael. She would threaten to kill their father. Finally Michael told Sylvia and Johnny to pack everything that they were going to move to Dallas. Sylvia didn't want to leave because of her friends but Johnny didn't care, Johnny wanted any way away from Samantha and begin a new life; and that's exactly what he had done with Runo.

 

   Then he realized that he had hardly even told Runo about his mother, besides she was an addict. He had not gone into complete detail. He felt bad because she had told him every inch and crevice of her own stark story. Why had he held out on her?

 

   He looked over at Runo sleeping and suddenly he felt so guilty of comparing his beautiful angel with his pitiful excuse for a mother. He made a mental note to apologize to her when she woke up- but not while they were in Helsinki- no use upsetting her.

 

   They still had an hour left on the flight. Johnny sighed and closed his eyes and tried to forget all that he had conjured up.

***********************************************************[SYLVIA]

   The apartment was on the first floor and they didn't have an alarm so she planned to sneak out from the patio as she used to back in the day. She saw Ryan's truck pull up and although she was nervous to do this she was so angry at everyone it didn't matter.

 

   She climbed over the railing and up into Ryan's truck. He was actually sort of a redneck-macho-man but Sylvia liked that. She found it sexy. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, and a goatee. Every single time Sylvia was around Ryan she felt like a child being with a man, which was exactly what the situation was. But it didn't bother her. He was six years older than her. It didn't even cross Sylvia's mind that he was truly a pedophile.

 

   A 19 year old having sex with a 13 year old is very disturbing in itself. Sylvia ignored the fear and the red flag that came up when she was around him. They sat in the truck in silence for a moment until Ryan said: "Where should we go?" Sylvia said she wanted 2 things, "to get fucked and to get fucked up" Ryan chuckled.

 

   "Well you're certainly goal oriented. I can't believe someone so young can be so sexy. Come over here." he commanded more than requested. He grabbed her arm a bit forcefully and pulled her into his lap in the driver's side of the truck. He started kissing her hard. She'd forgotten how pugnacious he could be and how thrilling this whole thing was. After being locked up in the middle of nowhere Idaho for several months she had begun forgetting the daring thrill of sneaking out and being rebellious with Ryan. Now everything was crystal clear back in the picture. It felt damn good.

 

   It felt so good to have someone physically pay attention to her again. They made out for a few minutes and then she slid back over to her side. "Come on, let's go to my place. I've got some stuff that you'll really love to try." Excitement pulsed through Sylvia's veins. He asked her about Idaho and she said simply: "It sucked." "So are you out for good now?" he asked with eagerness in his voice.

 

   "Not exactly. I go back in like 4 days. Then I have like a whole month left until I come home for good." "So can I see you a few more times?" she felt honored that he wanted to see more of her. "Hell yes!" she said happily. They pulled into his condo and went inside.

 

   It smelled of cigarettes, Sylvia remembered how Johnny smoked all the time but would never let her try a cigarette. She had smoked a few times with Ryan before New Foundations, but she wasn't too crazy about it. Sylvia mostly preferred the liquor. The place was a mess, Sylvia tried to find room to sit on the cluttered couch.

 

   Ryan brought out a bottle of Jose Cuervo and he had a little bag of white powder and a small straw. "Is that...?" "It's cocaine, dear." he said laughing that she didn't know what it was. "Well, hell...I don't know. You forget I'm only 13." "That's the best part." he murmured softly but Sylvia still heard him. He poured each of them a shot of Jose Cuervo but she stopped him. "Wait! You can't get too fucked up, you have to take me home!" "Calm down, sweetie. I know my limits."

 

   Sylvia took the shot glass and tilted her head back. The burn of alcohol really soothed her. "Let me have another." she demanded almost instantly after she sat down her shot glass. "Calm down." She loved it. Everything about it. "What time do you need to be home?" She thought for a minute. "What time is it now?" "12:19" Her father usually got up around 7:30. "I don't need to get home until around 6:00." "Alright then, drink up." He poured her another shot and she took it.

 

   "Now do you want to try something new?" he eyed the bag of cocaine sitting on the table. She was hesitant at first. She knew coke was dangerous but for some reason she couldn't find fear in her body anywhere. Sylvia thought to herself, Hey, you only live life once. She watched as Ryan spread the powder into a thin line. "Watch and learn." he said as he inserted the straw into one nostril and held down the other one and snorted the line of coke.

 

   Sylvia was fascinated. "It burns at first but after a while you just don't feel anything." "Make me one." she commanded instantly. Sylvia was shaking as she inserted the straw into her nostril and snorted the white powder into her nose. It burned but she loved it. She had never felt anything like this before...EVER! She couldn't explain it in words. "Wow." she whispered softly. This was intense pleasure at it's finest. She could not express how happy this drug and alcohol was making her feel. She had a few more lines and she had never felt such energy before in her life and so euphoric. With her bipolar disorder she had felt euphoric before but not like this. She looked up at Ryan who had snorted more himself and without saying a word he scooped her up into his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

 

   He took off her clothes and they rushed into crazy aggressive sex. Sylvia was loving every minute of it. She felt so wanted when it seemed no one in her family wanted her. She didn't care that they weren't using protection-f**k protection. They'd done this before and she never got pregnant. He was very rough with her but it turned her on. She wasn't looking for love like her brother had been, she just wanted someone to make her feel like she was loved since her whole family had become angry with her.

 

   After a couple of more rounds of sex and the buzz of the alcohol and cocaine had worn off she glanced at the clock and it was almost 5:30. She had to get home soon. She rolled out of bed to get dressed. Ryan asked her: "When are we going to chill again?" "Probably tonight, same time. same place. I'll call you later tonight and let you know for sure." After he dropped her off she was relieved that the patio door was still unlocked. She opened it carefully and quietly as she could and stumbled into her bedroom and drifted quietly into comatose sleep.

***********************************************************

 

[RUNO]

   Runo's heart was filled with joy as the plane descended into Helsinki-Vantaa airport. She couldn't believe she was really here in her birth town, the place she had dreamed of being in since she was old enough to understand everything about her life. She had just woken up. Johnny was up looking as excited as Runo. The local time was about 10:20 AM. She couldn't wait to get out and explore her home town in great depth.

 

   After they gathered all their luggage they had a taxi take them to their hotel. It was called Hotel Kämp. It was a beautiful luxurious hotel. Runo couldn't believe that an uncle who threw her into foster care would care enough to do this for her. Maybe this was his way of trying to amend  or apologize to her for what he had indirectly put her through. She knew she was wrong to think that but she couldn't help it.

 

   She squeezed Johnny's hand as they walked through the lobby of the beautiful hotel. Out of nowhere, Runo really wished everything was okay between Sylvia and Johnny because she felt like she had come between them, and being a self-harmer (and knowing Sylvia harmed herself in different ways than Runo) Runo was worried that Sylvia would do something harmful to herself in the wake of her anger.

 

   Once they got settled in the room and unpacked their things, they went to the lobby to both have a much needed cigarette. They hadn't had one in several hours. It was now about noon and they weren't supposed to be at Kukka and Jalo's until after 5. After they transferred their money to Euros they decided to go to a fancy Finnish restaurant called Havis. Finnish food was very exotic. They both got grilled arctic char with porcini risotto and sherry sauce for their entree, and shared a dessert of Pumpkin Cake with cinnamon ice cream and some Finnish cheeses.

 

   Runo had never really eaten a lot of fish but she was never picky about food, not after being starved living with the Winters for over 3 years. She loved the food at Havis. She wanted to experience as much of the Finnish culture as she could. She loved being a part of this culture and experiencing it.

 

   She'd had to attempt to use Finnish a few times but most of the people in Helsinki spoke English. People were rather friendly. She knew enough Finnish to get by when she needed to though.

 

   After their wonderful lunch at Havis they went to Akateeminen Kirjakauppa, Scandinavia's largest bookstore. Runo bought dozens of books and was so excited. This was so much fun! Before she knew it, it was time to go to her parents house. Her parents actually lived in Porvoo which was a little town about 40 minutes away.

 

   Aleski had arranged to have a driver take them to the Soikkeli's home in Porvoo. The drive was beautiful she took as many pictures as she could of everything around her. As they got closer to Porvoo Runo's heart began to pound like thunder. They turned onto a street along the riverbank. There were little pastel colored houses, and the driver pulled up in front of a pastel blue home. It wasn't a mansion like the Wellingtons home but it was good sized.

 

   This was where I could have grown up... Runo thought to herself as she got out of the car and started towards the steps. "This is it!" Johnny said patting her on the shoulder. "The moment you have been waiting for..." She felt a little bit scared but Johnny was right there with her so that comforted her. It was a dream come true. They walked up the front steps. She suddenly felt like she was going to pass out the way she did when Johnny first told her he had found her parents.

 

   Johnny rung the doorbell and Runo nearly collapsed as her mother opened the door. She looked exactly as she did in her dreams. Her mother and her looked just alike, same tiny frame, long dark hair except she had brown eyes and Runo had green. Kukka was very tall and elegant. "My sweet tytär! My Runo!" Kukka said when she opened the door. Tytär meant daughter in Finnish, that was one word Runo totally knew. "Hi...Mom." It felt so good and so weird to say that all at the same time. Runo had tears forming in her eyes. Kukka pulled her in and gave her a big hug. "I never thought I'd see you again!"

 

   Kukka's accent was beautiful. "You are so beautiful, Runo. Oh and this must be Johnny! I'm Kukka." she said hugging him. "Let me get your father, you guys make yourselves at home. I'll be right back." There was beautiful artwork all over the wall. Kukka noticed Runo looking at it and said: "All of these were done by me." she said proudly. There house was so beautiful and quaint. "Jalo. Your daughter is here!"

 

   In came Jalo, also exactly as he looked in her dreams with longish blonde hair and the same green eyes Runo had. Following him were 3 children. What was this? There were 2 girls and a boy. How could they have other children? She had 2 sisters and a brother. She wasn't quite sure how to take this. She felt like she was about to choke on her tears.

 

   "Hi Runo." Jalo said hugging his daughter. She couldn't stop looking at her siblings. "Hey guys this is your sister Runo!" Jalo said completely unaware of how this was impacting her. "Runo this is Mikko and Annikki. They're twins. They are 4 years old. And this is Kati, she is 14. These are your siblings!"

 

   Suddenly, Runo envied them and she was a bit angry at her parents. Why were they able to handle these 3 and not her? She wasn't as mad about the twins because they were only 4 but if Kati was 14 then she was only 4 years younger than Runo and that would mean they only had her 2 years after they had taken Runo to the United States. That was seriously fucked up. But she realized they had not flown all this way and come this far for her jealousy to over run her so she sucked it up and said hi to her newly discovered siblings: Mikko, Annikki, and Kati.

 

   "You're my sister?" Annikki said with confusion. Runo didn't know what to say. She didn't want to confuse the young child. "Yes, Nik. Runo is your full-blooded sister." Jalo said to his other daughter. The 3 kids just stared at Runo and it was becoming very awkward for her. Kukka must have sensed it in Runo because she told Kati to take the twins and read them a book before dinner. Obviously, so she and Jalo could visit uninterrupted in the den without the confusion from the kids being a distraction.

 

   Runo was amazed at how elegant Kukka was and how handsome Jalo was. "So Runo, did you know back when your mom was pregnant with you and when you were first born I played in a Finnish band? Ympäri Hylkääminen, which loosely translated means All Around Rejection. He pointed to their framed records on the wall. We even toured with The 69 Eyes and met the band HIM before they were famous!" Runo loved Finnish rock. "Why don't y'all play anymore?" Runo asked curiously.

 

   "That's so cute how you say y'all. I hope you still have some Finn left in you, Runo. Well, when we started having kids...you know how that goes." It was like a dagger to her heart. If they could give up all of those lifestyle things for Kati why couldn't they give it up for her? It was only 2 years later, not very long. Something just wasn't adding up to Runo but she couldn't figure out what that was.

 

   She didn't want to be ugly to Jalo and Kukka because they hadn't really done anything wrong had they? This had to be Runo's insecurities and her own issues. But why was that so hard to accept? She was trying so hard not to turn this evening sour.

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   Johnny was thrilled that the evening was going well so far. They sat in the den and all just talked. Johnny had decided to mostly remain silent so Runo and her parents could reconnect. "So, Runo tell us about yourself, since we haven't seen you in 16 years." Kukka said smoothing her skirt as she sat down. "Well I guess the name you guys chose for me is appropriate." Runo said smiling slightly.

 

   "I'm an avid poetry reader, writer and that is how Johnny and I connected: through poetry." Runo said happily looking over at Johnny. "I just knew you would be a writer the whole time your mom was pregnant with you. I knew my first born would have a poet's soul." Jalo said looking over at Kukka who nodded and said: "I used to write lyrics myself for his band. We just knew that since we were creative our first born would be a writer."

 

   Johnny had a question buzzing in his head but he knew Runo would be too afraid to ask it but it was not his place either. Johnny wondered how they came to the decision to give Runo up. He'd heard it from Aleski but he wanted to hear it straight from Jalo and Kukka. They talked about music and Jalo was so proud that Johnny and Runo knew about Finnish rock bands. He even had the HIM logo, the Heartagram, tattooed on his right wrist. He must really be a fanatic. They made more small-talk. They talked about Runo teaching herself some Finnish here and there and they talked about Runo and Johnny's relationship. Finally Runo spoke up.

 

   "I'd really like to know, if you don't mind me asking, why did you give me up when I was 2 years old? I'd really like to know the truth." Kukka and Jalo both stiffened up. "Honey, why do we have to open up that black hole? Can't we just enjoy being together?" Kukka said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. Johnny wanted to interject and tell them Runo had every right to know the truth but he kept his mouth shut. It was his business, but it still wasn't at the same time.

 

   But after a few more minutes of Kukka and Jalo protesting and Runo starting to shut down Johnny felt it was appropriate for him to fish the truth out of them somehow. Runo had been through Hell because of their lack of wanting to be parents and being irresponsible, they owed it to her. Johnny couldn't take it anymore so he chimed in when everyone fell silent.

 

   "I know this really isn't my place or my business but Runo deserves to know the truth. I'm not going to go into detail but I don't think you know that she has been through hell and back and I think that's the least you can do for her." Everyone was shocked that he had chimed in after being so silent all evening.

 

   "The truth?" Kukka said even though they knew exactly what he was talking about. "The truth about why you gave her up." Johnny said boldly. Kukka and Jalo both gasped. "Johnny that's not your place to ask." Jalo said challenging him. "I'm sure Runo really doesn't want to know any of this." Kukka said glancing over at Runo who looked like she was about to snap. "Actually I do want to know. I'd like to know as much as possible."

 

   The whole evening had all of a sudden twisted inside out. They could argue with Johnny but they couldn't argue with Runo, their first born daughter. "Runo honey..." Kukka began holding back her tears. "I don't know what you already know and if what you know is true or not but in all honesty this is how and all of what happened in the first 2 years of your life." Jalo started slowly.

 

   "I was 16 years old, almost 17 and I was playing bass in Ympäri Hylkääminen all over Finland and I met your mother in Turku at an autograph signing. Your mother was only 13 at the time but I found her stunning. We fell in love and six months later she was pregnant with you. We were both very involved in our passions but we thought that even though we were so young we could raise you. But Runo, we were just children." Runo still didn't look satisfied.

 

   "So what else happened?" she asked her father with a bland tone in her voice. Kukka decided to continue on with the story. "Runo you have to understand I was an artist just gaining popularity in the area. I had no money so I got a job waiting tables at a restaurant in Helsinki called Manala. I hated that but I was doing everything in my power to provide for our family. I carried you for 9 months but your father and I were a bit involved in the partying lifestyle." Kukka said slowly. All of the expression on Runo's face dropped.

 

   "Are you saying you used while you were pregnant with me?" "Honey only through the first trimester. I smoked cigarettes and marijuana, I tried to control my drinking but it was very hard for me, you know with your father being in a band and all, and he was having a harder time than me." Runo looked horrified and Johnny's heart had split in half. What had he done to bring Runo here to listen to this horror story? "It's a good thing I don't do drugs or drink or I'd probably be a complete addict. What the f**k were y'all thinking?" "Runo we were just kids!" Jalo argued back with pressured speech and continued on with the story.

 

   "In 1993, after you were born we got married. Runo, you were our pride and joy. We were determined to keep you and kick our bad habits. But Runo, it was so hard when you would cry and cry all hours of the night. You would spit up on my clothes, as you got a little older you would get into my paints and art supplies. After 2 years we had to make a decision in your best interest. We weren't properly fit to take care of you and we thought that since he was older, your uncle Aleski and his wife Shelby could give you a better life than we could." You have to understand my tytär. It had nothing to do with us not loving you, but the drugs and alcohol just overpowered us."

 

   "So you chose drugs over me? How selfish." Runo murmured under her breath. Johnny was feeling more and more like s**t. She didn't deserve to hear all of this agonizing truth. She was too treasured by him for her to hear all of this heartache. But Johnny was going to keep his lips sealed. He didn't have anything else to say to these people. Although, there were still some questions spinning through his head but he knew asking them would send the evening even more south. He hoped Runo would have the courage to ask.

 

   "You think what you want Runo. Can we all have dinner now? I'm starving and I'm sure the kids are too." Jalo said standing up and stretching. "I'm not done." Runo snapped. With that Jalo sat right back down on the couch. "What I want to know is how the f**k were you able to have Kati and raise her properly only 2 years after you gave me away? What the f**k was so special about her that you could drop everything and raise her but you couldn't do it for me?" Bingo, Johnny thought. He'd been dying to ask that very question. Runo burst into tears and the room fell silent once again. Kukka had tears streaming down her face too.

 

   "How dare you question my parenting to my other children? We did all we could for you Runo and obviously it wasn't good enough. But when your mom was pregnant with Kati, we decided we were going to do it right. I quit the band. We quit drugs and alcohol. We decided to get our lives right.

 

   "So let me guess, you didn't use any substances through that pregnancy, mom." Runo quipped with sarcasm and disgust. "You kept her and ditched me- Really classy of you. Thanks for everything you have done for me. Thanks times 1,000." "Get out of my house, you ungrateful little b***h!" screamed Kukka. Now Johnny had to say something. It was becoming too much. "Don't talk to her like that! You have no idea what this girl has gone through because of your lack of desire to step up and be her parents."

 

   "Then why don't you enlighten us, Johnny?" Johnny froze. He looked over at Runo and expected her to shake her head but she nodded solemnly. Johnny decided he wasn't going to go into massive detail so he simply said: "Try sexual and physical abuse and neglect on and off for 15 years. She was so withdrawn when I met her. She couldn't stand up straight, look me or anyone in the eye, or even speak due to all of the trauma she experienced."

 

   Kukka and Jalo didn't say a word. "Do you know how hard it was to be a small child looking out my window at night wondering where you were? Wondering if you were still alive? I cried my eyes out for years. I experienced heartache at it's finest. Sometimes I would have spills of memories or dreams of you and realize when I woke up that they weren't real. Do you know what it was like for me to live with no history of where I came from and to not even know where I was going or what was going to happen next and to have such a fucked up childhood and sometimes I just wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up again when I went to bed at night?"

 

   Johnny was glad Runo was getting all of this off her chest. But he felt terrible. This was all so painful. If Kukka would have told him on the phone that they had other kids he wouldn't have agreed to go on this trip. But neither Kukka nor Aleski had mentioned a word about it and it was a very important detail. Runo wasn't finished.

 

   "I just wish you could have written me a letter or two just so I knew you loved me. Or that you even cared. I'm not sure why I expected this to be a fairytale reunion between us. It might have been if you hadn't f*****g had another child 2 years after you threw me away. You were able to take care of her just fine, while I rotted away in foster care scared of my own shadow."

 

   "Okay Runo. Time out. We are so sorry that all of that happened to you. Can't you forgive us and move on?" Jalo said getting aggravated. "We should have been there for you. We didn't keep in contact because we thought it would be too hard for you, too confusing." Kukka said sadly. "Runo what can we do for you now that you are grown? Is there anything at all we can do to maybe make this up to you?" Jalo inquired. Johnny anxiously awaited what Runo would say. All she said was: "There's not a damn thing you can do to erase my scars of the past. Come on Johnny, I can't take this anymore."

***********************************************************

[SYLVIA]

   She slept in until about noon. Her clueless father didn't suspect a thing when she got up that afternoon. She had a plan conjured up to sweet talk her father (But really manipulate him) into taking her out of New Foundations. She knew that she hadn't learned anything at the stupid place but she wasn't going to tell her father that. If she hadn't learned anything by now she wasn't going to. Sylvia loved the wild lifestyle she was reconnecting with. She wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

   Drugs, alcohol and sex excited her. The bullshit goodie-too-shoes life that New Foundations promoted was unrealistic and mundane and was not the life she wanted. She was in the kitchen eating cereal and her father walked in. "What kind of mood are you in today?" He asked with a sigh.

 

   She realized she was going to have to put on the act of being Daddy's Little Girl and to act like his princess. She looked him straight in the eye: "Daddy, I'm in a great mood!" "Well it's about time." he said glumly. "Daddy, can we talk about something very seriously?" She said getting up to give him a hug. "Sure Sylvia, what's going on?"

 

   "Well I just think I'm really emotionally done with New Foundations. I've learned all I need to learn. It's been 4 months. I'm not going to try to kill myself again. I've truly learned there is a better way of life!" She almost laughed at the bullshit she was throwing on the table. Her father looked at her with a confused look. "You honestly think you're ready? You've worked this hard to just quit?" "Dad, it's a waste of my time." she said, her anger started to show itself.

 

   "Dad, you're not understanding. There's nothing else for me to learn there. I'm done working the program, I just want to continue my life here with you." She thought she was playing her cards right but soon realized she wasn't. "You need to complete the program. I'm not going to fall for this guilt ridden plea." Her chances were melting fast. Her anger was surfacing and she was trying to hard to suppress it. She started up the waterworks. "You mean you don't want me home, Daddy?" she whimpered.

 

   "That's not it at all. I'm just not going to let you put on your little act and manipulate me. Also, you've made Johnny and Runo feel bad for absolutely nothing. I think you and Dr. Allen need to process through your anger with this Johnny and Runo thing or whatever it is y'all do up there. You should show a little sympathy towards them. The visit with Runo's parents didn't go over so well. I just got off the phone with Johnny and Runo was bawling in the background." Suddenly Sylvia's mean side couldn't be suppressed any longer.

 

   "Serves them right. It was a stupid idea to begin with. You don't just show up on someone's doorstep after 16 years  and expect them to become the parent. Johnny was an idiot to try and create a perfect fantasy reunion for Runo like that. If I were her I'd be pissed at him." she snapped. "They're in love, something you're too young to understand. If you were to have any chance to swindle me into taking you out of the program you just lost it right there. It's almost like you don't have a conscious, the fact that you can be so insensitive about your own brother and the girl he loves. It's pathetic." Michael said defensively.

 

   Her blood was boiling now. What made him think he had the right to talk to her like that? She was going to let him have it. "You're a sorry excuse for a father. You've always favored Johnny over me. Always! You think you understand me and you never will. I'm going to call mom. Maybe she will actually care about me since everyone has deserted me by now." She was holding back her tears. "Fine go ahead and call your mom. I think her substances are far more important to her than you. I love you, Sylvia. I've taken care of you since you were born. But fine go live with you mom and don't come back in a year and tell me you need help because you're an addict yourself."

 

   "Oh don't worry I won't." and she stormed out of the room and walked into her bedroom. She wanted to scream I'm already becoming an addict, under your watch dad. But of course she didn't. She really didn't want to contact her mother, she just said that because she felt so alone. Sylvia was so depressed she almost felt suicidal again but she knew she wouldn't go that route again. She wanted some coke right then but she knew she was going to have to wait until her father went to bed. She suddenly was craving it so badly. Then it hit her, she could find someone else besides Ryan to give it to her!

 

   She skipped back to the kitchen. "Daddy, will you please take me to the mall? I want to get some new clothes, I've gained a little weight being in treatment." She really didn't need new clothes, she'd maybe gained 5 pounds, not enough to make her clothes tight. She just wanted to go there and find a new guy that would give her cocaine. "It just boggles my mind how your mood can flip on a dime. I'll take you but you don't have a friend to go with you?" The only friends she had made since moving from San Antonio 6 months ago were Pandora, and Holly. But she wasn't ever that close with them, and hadn't talked to them since before she went into the psych ward.

 

   "Why do I need to bring a friend, Dad?" she was getting impatient. She couldn't call Pandora and Holly it would be awkward. "There are a lot of bad things going on in malls these days. I would feel much more comfortable if you had someone with you. You don't want me to go with you, do you?" "Hell No!" she screamed louder than she meant to. "Alright I'll call a friend." She said pouting and walking to her room. There was no way she could bring a friend and get cocaine. So she decided to make up a lie. Her father would never know the difference. Sylvia ran to her father: "Okay, Pandora is going to meet me at the food court in 15 minutes. Can I please have a little money?" "Alright, here's $75." It suddenly hit her she was probably going to have to use this money for the cocaine. It would be so awesome to have her own stash! She could do it whenever she wanted to.

 

   But she didn't feel bad using his money on drugs. All she cared about was the next high. She felt guilty about very few things these days. It was almost like she had become soulless and deleted her conscious.

 

   Her father dropped her off at the mall. She had put a miniskirt and a halter top in her purse so she could change in the bathroom without having to argue with her father about clothes. "I'll be back in 3 hours.  5:30. If you want me to come sooner, you call me.” "Yeah sure." she said knowing she wasn't as interested in buying clothes as she was meeting hot guys who could supply her with her own coke. She knew she could always get it from Ryan but she wanted some excitement in a new guy, or two.

 

   She went into the bathroom and changed into her skimpy clothes and walked into the food court. She loved the feeling of older men staring her down. She knew she looked good. She knew men wanted her, and that is what she thrived on. Just then she noticed a guy motion for her to come over to her. He seemed like a tough guy. He had tattoos and a lip ring. She had never been with a guy like this before but it turned her on in some weird way.

 

   She pranced over to the table and sat down. "What's your name?" he asked as she sat down. "I'm Sylvia." she said scooting closer to him in her chair. She didn't care if she was coming across as a s**t. That was what she wanted to be. "My name is Blake. You are so f*****g sexy! How old are you?"

 

   She hesitated for a moment. Should she lie? Then she decided she better tell him a lie, he looked older than Ryan. He would back out if he knew the truth. "I'm 16." she squeaked hoping he would believe her. He seemed to have bought it because he pulled her into his lap. "Well I'm 21, but I guess it doesn't matter. But let's go somewhere else, this is too risky." "Do you have any cocaine?" she interjected. "You do coke?" he asked surprised. "Yeah." she said quietly. "How much?" she asked him eagerly. "For you? I'll give you 2 grams for nothing but some sucking and some f*****g. Let's go to my apartment. What time do you need to be back?" "Probably 5:00." Sylvia said. They still had plenty of time. She knew she needed to get back in time to buy a few things or it would look suspicious to her father.

 

   They had over 2 hours, and Blake's apartment was just down the road. They rode in silence. Sylvia was about to get cocaine for free basically. She was laughing to herself that he didn't know she was 13. They walked into his apartment and it was so cluttered. He went to his bedroom and pulled out a Ziploc bag filled with coke. Her eyes widened as soon as she saw it. She almost felt like she had to have it right then.

 

   "It's yours if you blow my mind and f**k the s**t out of me.""Deal." she said and they walked into the bedroom. 

***********************************************************

[RUNO]

   Runo was bawling her eyes out as they left Kukka and Jalo's house. The evening had turned into a nightmare fast. Johnny had ended up getting in an in your face argument with Jalo, defending Runo when he asked if there was anything they could do to make it up to her. He had said to Jalo in a sharp tone: "Jalo, do you really think there is anything you can do to rectify physical and sexual abuse? I don't think there is a thing in the world you can do to erode her pain, why would you even try to manipulate her like that? Why would you sugarcoat everything to be f*****g gum drops and rainbows with her and y'all?"

 

   That's when Jalo got in Johnny's face. "How dare you try and talk to me about my child?" "Your child?" Johnny said sarcastically. "Name one thing you have done for Runo Soikkeli besides donate your sperm to create her when you fucked a 13 year old groupie?" Jalo's face got redder. But as mad as he got he still couldn't answer Johnny's question. All he could do was retort back with: "Well what have you done for her?" "I'll tell you right here and now. When I first met Runo, she was damaged by Foster Care. She had the expression of a hollow cavern. She couldn't look me in the eye, or anyone for that matter. She was slicing herself up with razorblades and was completely withdrawn from everyone and everything."

 

   Johnny took a moment to pause and then continued on. "And because of the fact that I, and her current foster parents, Gavin and Cynthia, have all shown her love and respect that she deserves she is happy. I've done more than both of you could ever do for her." And with that Runo and Johnny walked out of the door.

 

   Runo was in complete meltdown mode when they left. But now they were back at Hotel Kämp. Runo was still pretty upset. She truly believed her parents never loved her and that she was a mistake. She was extremely sullen the whole way back to the hotel from Porvoo. She was so displeased with herself that she hadn't had a better visit with Kukka and Jalo. She felt like the whole evening had been going very well until she saw Kati, Annikki, and Mikko.

 

   The twins didn't bother her as much as Kati, because Kati was 14, only 4 years younger than Runo. When they got to the hotel, Johnny asked her if she was hungry and she said no. She laid down on the bed, sobbing into her pillow. Johnny lied down on the bed next to her and ran his fingers through her hair while she cried. She was very embarrassed, Johnny had never seen her this upset. "Who gives a f**k what they think. They are nothing to you. You don't need them." Johnny said trying to coax her. But Runo didn't feel she could accept that. She had looked forward to meeting them for so long and the whole thing turned out to be so horrible.

 

   For a moment Runo almost thought she was cursed. But as she felt the warmth of Johnny lying next to her as they lay in bed she realized she was actually blessed to have such a sweet guy in her life. She turned over to look at him. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess." "You stop that, just let everything out." "But I've ruined this whole trip!" "No you haven't! We don't need Kukka and Jalo to have fun in Finland! How about tomorrow we do some sightseeing like the tourists we are?" Johnny said happily. "Okay." Runo said softly. He was the only one who could cheer her up at a time like this.

 

   Runo calmed down and then really wanted to call Cynthia and Gavin to see what they thought of it. She got out her cell and punched in Cynthia's number. "Hey Runo! We were starting to get worried that we hadn't heard from you. How is it going over there?" "Not so great..." Runo began."I'm sorry we haven't called. We've been running around like crazy." "It's no problem at all. What has been going on?" "My parents are complete a******s." Runo said bluntly. "Oh no. I'm sorry. What happened?" Then Runo escalated again and told the whole story and was bawling again.

 

   "Runo you don't need them to feel loved do you? You have your wonderful Johnny and you know Gavin and I love you like a daughter. Even though we've only known you a few months, we still consider you our own." That made her feel better. "Thank you." she said, her nose plugged up from crying. "Which reminds me. We were going to save this until you got home but we were wondering if you would like to continue living with us a little while longer until you figure out what direction you want to go in life. It's totally up to you." Runo suddenly felt her heart lifted.

  

   "You mean I can stay after my 18th birthday?!" Tears of sorrow now changed to tears of joy. "I would totally love that very much." "Gavin and I feel very connected to you and we may want to adopt a small baby in a few years, but we want to wait until we're sure we are ready. But right now you are a joy to us. Always remember that." Runo felt so happy. They talked a little while longer but not about her parents. She told them how lovely Finland was and about the food and the bookstore.

 

   After they said goodnight Johnny encircled Runo in his embrace. She felt so good in his arms. Runo went to take a hot bath to relieve some of the stress about her parents. While Runo lay in the bath she thought of her parents and how she always used to think that they would be the ones to save her when really they were the ones who turned her world upside down. She thought of using the razor for a second but she knew that would solve nothing.

 

   They truly never loved her and that was okay because Cynthia and Gavin had really been the only parents she had ever had been respected by. She had never been treated so well by any of the other foster homes she had lived in. And of course, she had Johnny who loved her unconditionally. Runo couldn't believe he had stood up to Johnny like that when he was being tacky. After she got out of the bathtub and dried off and combed out her wet hair she decided to write a letter to Sisko and a poem about the day while Johnny flipped through the channels of Finnish TV.

 

Dear Sisko,  July 15

   I had the worst day. We went to see Jalo and Kukka my so-called parents. At first everything was great until it was revealed that I have 2 sisters and a brother. I wasn't mad about the twins, Annikki and Mikko, because they were younger, but Kati was 14 and that means they had her 2 years after they gave me up. Kukka (I'm not calling them mom and dad) even told me she drank and smoked and used marijuana during her pregnancy with me! I'm just a little sad because I wanted them to be able to love me, but I honestly feel like they never did and they never will. I don't care if Kukka was only 13 when she had me. She spread her legs she and Jalo should have stepped up to the responsibility. They did it for Kati, why couldn't they do it for me? I thought seeing them would be a joyous reunion but it was nowhere near that. I'm not going to go on and on about it because I truly don't need them. I have my amazing boyfriend, and some really good news is that Cynthia and Gavin invited me to live with them a little longer even though I'm going to be 18! That was so generous of them. I hope Johnny and I move in together one day but we don't have the money right now to get our own place and I don't think Michael would let us move into their apartment. It would be too cluttered. Cynthia and Gavin are the closest thing to parents I have ever had and will ever have. Anyway, I'm hoping we can salvage what is left of this trip. I'm hoping I can pull it together from how devastated I am but I've gone my whole life without my parents why do I need them now? Well I'm worn out from today so I'm going to write a poem and then get some sleep.

 

Rakastan Sinua,

RUNO

 

Ode To My Parents

 

When you shut me out

You never truly cared

Just pushed me to the side

I cried and you ignored

I longed for your gentle nurturing touch

But there was no response

When you just pushed me away

I never knew how to believe

Because you never believed in me

Inside the womb

Waiting to be brought to life

You consumed toxins to suffocate me with

Both of you left me

Standing below the storm

Nights of my childhood

Weeping crestfallen tears of lamentation

Wondering where you were

And if you ever thought of me

I never got to find

A best friend in my mother

I never got to be

Daddy's little girl

Never got to feel love from you

Never got to cherish holidays

As you shoved me out the door

And you never looked back

I never got to feel attachment

Only pure abandonment

I was abruptly brushed aside

Like a cobweb in an attic

My life has been so uncertain

So go ahead and do it all over again

Go ahead and shut me out

For now I know

That there is no way

I can truly miss you

When I never really knew you.

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   Johnny was still beating himself up for what he had done to Runo by getting this whole reunion together as they lay quietly in bed. "I'm so sorry, baby. I should have never let this happen. I can't believe what I have done. I've never felt this bad about anything in my life." "Johnny you have nothing to feel bad about because this was needed to help me get closure. It was painful but necessary. There is no way in the world I could blame this on you. I just have a*****e parents who rejected me even before I was born. I'm not going to sit here and blame you when all you were doing was trying to fill up the void of my childhood fantasy. I love you."

 

   She turned over and looked at him with those piercing eyes and she put her hand on his bare chest and leaned up to kiss him. They kissed very passionately for a few minutes. They couldn't stop. After all that he had put her through emotionally this was the least thing Johnny expected from Runo. But there she went again...leaving him breathless and stunned. Runo climbed on top of Johnny and kissed him harder. Then he hesitated.

 

   "Hey, you've been crying all day long...are you sure you want to do this?" She looked puzzled. "Of course I am. After all that bickering on the plane, after my anxiety driving me crazy, meeting my a*****e parents...Sex and knowing that you love me is the one thing that will make me feel better." "If you're sure you're in a well enough emotional state..." Johnny said unsurely. "I don't want you to have any flashbacks or anything." "I'm good. I swear."

 

   With Runo on top of him like that it made it very hard to say no. He really wanted to cheer her up. He hoped that this would. Runo was so sexy to Johnny as she kissed every crevice of his chest, she was driving him crazy. Suddenly he wanted her more than anything and his guilty feelings slipped away as Runo's kiss made his worries and his negative feelings melt like ice. He closed his eyes as pleasure encompassed both he and Runo in their indestructible ring of eternity.

 

   After they were finished and Runo had drifted into a quiet slumber, Johnny lay awake thinking about the future. He wanted nothing more than a life with Runo. He knew he wanted to marry her. He knew he wanted to start a family with her. He knew he wanted to grow old with her. But the question was, when should he propose? He hadn't even thought about that very hard. It had crossed his mind several times, but now he was dead serious about it as he looked at her sleeping soundly. Before he had met Runo he was so unhappy with life. He had never felt love before, in fact he didn't even know that it existed. He thought he would never experience love because his heart was so void. Runo had shown him true beauty at it's finest, love in the purest form.

 

   Runo had saved him from the hole of oblivion he had fallen into after dealing with the constant chaos of his mother.

 

   He couldn't sleep. His mind was racing like crazy. He decided to call his father but he would tell him he didn't want to talk to Sylvia. He was still pissed off at her. She was being a selfish little brat. He talked to Michael for a few minutes. He told him that Sylvia still had her attitude problem and she was refusing to go back to New Foundations.

 

   "You better get some sleep, son. It’s late over there. Aren't y'all going to go sightseeing in the morning?" "I've tried to sleep, Dad. I'm still upset that I have damaged Runo. She swears she needed closure but I think she's just saying that..." he stopped himself before the tears fell.

 

   "Johnny if she says she needed closure take her word for it. It makes perfect sense. She loves you too much to lie to you about that. Quit beating yourself up. You're too hard on yourself. I love you. Get some rest." All of a sudden Johnny began to worry about his little sister and if she was really doing okay. He hated this argument going on between them and he worried that this arguing might set her off into a downward spiral of her depression.

 

   Then Johnny realized he was just being paranoid. Nothing bad was going to happen under their father's watch, he realized he was just being paranoid and turned off the lamp and curled up next to Runo to try and get some sleep.

***********************************************************

[SYLVIA]

   The whole mall outing had gone perfect. She had gotten back to the mall from Blake's house with ample time to buy a couple of things at Abercrombie and Fitch and Pac Sun so her father wouldn't wonder why she hadn't spent the money. She had the bag of cocaine in her purse and couldn't wait to go home and do more.

 

   Sylvia made up lie after lie about how she hung out with Pandora and how great it was to see her. Blah blah blah. He believed every word she said. Sylvia left no clues that she had just sold herself to a stranger 21 years old for 2 grams of cocaine. She realized she really didn't need to see Ryan tonight because she already had what she needed. She couldn't believe she had done all of this on a home visit but she didn't care.

 

   To her, life was about living for the moment. Not living for the principles that stupid New Foundations promoted. She didn't care if she lied and snuck around. It felt great.

 

   When they got back to the apartment she went straight to her room and did 2 lines of coke right away. This drug made her feel so great, even better than alcohol. She loved the burning and tingling when she snorted it up. Her Dad had no idea what she was doing and she found it rather comical how he had no control over her.

 

   "Sylvia?" called her father about 2 minutes after she had done the second line. Luckily, she had stuffed the drugs under her mattress. Oh great... she thought to herself. Act normal. Act normal. She went into the living room. "What do you need?" she asked bitterly and she sniffled twice. She reminded herself to stop doing that. "Do you have a cold?" he asked plainly. "Well, I am feeling a bit under the weather." "I was going to see if you wanted to go to dinner tonight, just me and you. Father-daughter time." No way in hell did she want to do that.

 

   Suddenly the paranoia kicked in. Did he somehow know what was going on? Right then she knew she had to get away from her dad. Sniffle. "I'm really  not feeling up to it tonight. Maybe tomorrow?" Without waiting for him to respond she dashed back to her room pretending she was going to throw up. "Okay" he called to her from the living room. "You go lay down. I'll make you some soup later." "Okay thanks" she called from her room and shut the door. She loved not feeling in control of her body on this drug but the paranoia was a little hard to deal with.

 

   She snorted another line and laid down on her bed. How could her father know? There was no possible way. She tucked the cocaine bag back underneath her mattress in case her father came to the door. She had done it just in time, her father knocked on the door.

 

   "Come in" she said. She suddenly felt very hot and sweaty. "Are you alright, honey? You seem a little out of it." Quick, Sylvia...think of something! "No Daddy, I'm not alright because I don't want to go back to Idaho. I'm having a panic attack I think. I hate it there. I don't want to go back. I promise I'm not suicidal anymore, I swear." She turned on the waterworks very quickly.

 

   The sniffling wouldn't be as obvious if she was crying. "Are you sure? Don't you want to finish what you started?" She suddenly felt emotion for a minute and knew that she really did want to be out of the program because she knew if she went back she couldn't do coke anymore and she would have to keep being fake and work the program and do all the stupid level work.

 

   Sylvia felt so numbed out from the cocaine she didn't know what was real emotion and what was her dramatic act. "You know, if I bring you home you are going to have to get along with Runo and your brother. They're a part of your family." "I know I promise I will." That was a bold face lie and Sylvia just said it to deepen convincing her father. She wasn't ready to forgive Johnny yet.

 

   "Alright. Consider it done. I'll call Dr. Allen in the morning and have them ship the rest of your stuff home. Now, you understand I'm not comfortable doing this but considering the state you’re in I think it might be for the best." SUCCESS! Sylvia was so elated. No more 7-minute showers, no more RTC Hell. "Daddy I promise you won't regret this!" she jumped up to hug him. "Now get some rest. I'll check on you in a little bit."

 

   As soon as he shut the door Sylvia did another line to personally welcome herself officially back into society.

***********************************************************

[RUNO]

   When Runo woke up around 10:00 AM Helsinki time, Johnny wasn't in the bed. She heard him on the phone with Michael it was 2:00 in the morning at home so something had to be wrong. She laid there trying to hear what Johnny was saying. "Are you sure you're doing the right thing Dad? What if she gets suicidal?" Sylvia. Something was going on with Sylvia. She decided not to eavesdrop and get in the shower.

 

   She didn't shower last night after they had sex and she felt gross. As the hot water ran over her she kept trying to figure out what was wrong with Sylvia. She knew Johnny would tell her in a minute. She thought back over yesterday. At first she thought she dreamed the whole thing up with Kukka and Jalo but deep down she knew it really happened. F**k them she thought as she shampooed her hair.

 

   Runo got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her and looked at Johnny who was sitting in the bed in a daze. "What's wrong?" Runo asked and went to sit by him. "Nothing really. It's just my Dad has decided to pull Sylvia from New Foundations without graduating. I think Sylvia manipulated him to make that decision." "What do you mean?"

 

   "He said she was having a panic attack and that she didn't 'look well' those were his exact words. "Well why is it a big deal? Don't you want her home?" "Not really while she's being such a b***h. It's only a matter of time before someone finds her passed out again. I don't think she is ready." "But you don't know that. Why don't you give her the benefit of a doubt. Maybe she is ready." "You don't know her like I do. She can be a conniving little b***h. And she will do anything to get her way." Runo wasn't going to argue with him anymore but she couldn't help feel sorry for Sylvia even though she was mad at her for 'stealing Johnny' from her which was completely illogical. There was no way Runo could come between a brother and a sister.

 

   It infuriated Runo that Sylvia could believe something so twisted and absurd. It didn't make any sense to Runo how they could be best friends one minute and mortal enemies the next. Perhaps it was her bipolar disorder. She decided not to worry about it and spend the day with Johnny in Finland.

 

   Johnny seemed really pissed as they smoked while they waited for the driver Aleski had arranged for them. "Are you okay?" Runo asked him scooting closer to him and she put her arms around his waist. "Yes, I'm good. I've just got a feeling like something bad is going to happen. I get paranoid like this sometimes I don't know why." "Well don't worry, we're on vacation." she said giving him a tight squeeze.

 

   The driver pulled up and they got in the car to go to lunch. They went to an expensive restaurant called Lappi and ate exotic food that Runo had never even heard of. The restaurant had group menus and they decided on Menu 1. It included: "Grilled reindeer fillet with potato cake spiced with juniper berry and pureed with celeriac with ligonberry and rosemary." And for dessert they had Ligonberry chocolate moose. They were stuffed after they ate. Runo realized her birthday was tomorrow. She had completely lost track of the days being on vacation. It was so easy to get mixed up trying to remember the time difference between home and Finland.

 

   After lunch they had the driver take them to a town called Turku, which was Finland's oldest city. They went to Hansakortteli (The Hansa Shopping Center) and Runo had so much fun shopping. Later they stopped at a coffee shop and had coffee and cigarettes just like they did at home at Starbucks.

 

   "Thank you for taking me out today and for being supportive of me through this whole deal." Runo said happily. "I am having an awesome time I could get used to it here." Johnny said taking a drag off of his cigarette. "Me too." Runo agreed. Johnny looked at her and said: "Rakastan Sinua" in perfect Finnish. "I love you too!" she almost yelled she was so happy to be charmed by him once again.

 

   It was after 6:00 and they still had the 2 hour drive back to Helsinki. They were both exhausted from their busy day being the tourists that they were. After they had a smoke and got back to the room and ordered a snack from room service they laid down on the bed together and took a few moments to cuddle.

 

   Johnny's beautiful long hair flowed luxuriously. Runo always thought he looked so sexy with his hair down and shirt off. Runo gazed at him and remembered how the first time she saw him she thought he was beautiful and that terrified her. She couldn't believe she had once feared such a gentle soul. Johnny was perfection, simply stated. "So tomorrow is the big eighteen!" he said rubbing her back. "Yes, adulthood indeed. I can buy cigarettes I won't have to steal them from you anymore! Oh and I can gamble too right?"

 

   "Only in Oklahoma. Not in Vegas." Johnny said with a smile. "Oh my God, I want to go to Vegas so badly! Have you ever been?" "Nope. Not yet. Hey, maybe someday we will get married there." Johnny said with a yawn. Runo sat up abruptly. Married? Johnny had never brought up marriage before. She didn't know if he was serious but she liked the idea. She liked it very much. She was too embarrassed to ask him so she changed the subject.

 

   "What was your favorite part of today?" she asked him curiously. "Being with you." He stunned her yet again. She grinned over at him and kissed him gingerly. "You are the best thing to ever happen in my life." She meant that with everything she had. Just then Johnny's cell rang. "Sorry I'll tell him I'll call him back." He got up from the bed and walked over to the window. Runo watched Johnny's expression completely change in not even 1 minute into the phone call. He dropped the phone and it landed on the carpet with a thud.

 

   He was completely frozen. Oh no... Runo thought. What could have happened with Sylvia this suddenly? She could hear Michael in the phone saying Hello? Johnny are you there? Johnny bent down to pick up the phone. "Okay. I love you. Bye." That wasn't like Johnny to be so quick. He and Michael had a really good relationship. He looked at her with tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry...We have to go home." he said quickly with no emotion. "Okay. What's going on?" "My mother...She's...she's dead."

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   Suddenly he was spinning. Samantha was dead. His mother was dead. He hadn't gotten a chance to say goodbye. She left this world with nothing but her pills and her alcohol. "Oh Johnny I'm so sorry" Runo said throwing her arms around him. He suddenly realized he couldn't be Runo's knight in shining armor right now.

 

   In fact he couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He had let Runo cry with him countless times but now he needed her. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried so hard. He felt so guilty for pushing Samantha out of his life. There was nothing he could do now. He just needed to get home as soon as possible.

 

   He had to call Aleski to change their flight to the next one out. His father and Sylvia needed him. Runo was sitting on the bed not knowing what to say or do so she got up and started packing everything. He knew tomorrow was her birthday and he felt so guilty. He told Runo in between sobs that he felt so bad because he never made things right with his mom and now he'd never have the chance. He told Runo he thought he hated his mom and of course her birthday was tomorrow and they were having to leave tonight.

 

   "You don't worry about my birthday. We need to get home. I know your family needs you. You should call Aleski right now and tell him we need to get home." She was so wonderful and understanding and that was why he adored her.She went back to packing and Johnny prepared to call Aleski.

 

   "Hello?" "Hi Aleski, it's Johnny." "Hi Johnny. Is everything alright over there?" Johnny had to pull himself together to get through this conversation. "No. Um my mom has passed we need to change our flight to as soon as possible. I'm sorry to be a hassle." Johnny said using all the strength in his body to hold back the tears. "Oh my Goodness. I am so sorry Johnny. I will get you on the next flight out. Let me call you right back."

 

   His phone rang about 15 minutes later. Aleski explained that the last flight out of Helsinki was at 10:00 and he didn't think they had time to make it. So he had a pilot friend of his, Joosef, coming to fly them to London on a private plane. And then someone would drive them to Heathrow Airport since the private plane had to land at another airport. They were set to arrive at DFW around 3:30 AM. That was totally fine with him. "What do we owe you for making these sudden changes? We will mail you the money." Johnny asked Aleski.

 

   "Don't worry about a thing. I'm sorry this whole trip turned sour. Jalo called me yesterday and told me everything. I feel terrible. Is Runo holding up alright? Actually would she let me talk to her? I know you probably don't feel like talking." "Runo your uncle wants to talk to you." Johnny expected her to refuse but she took the phone and spoke with her uncle for about 10 minutes. Johnny finished packing while Runo chatted with her uncle. He was so distracted. It still didn't seem real. His mother was gone. He had been in such a daze he didn't even realize that Runo was trying to hand him the phone and that Joosef was out front. It was Runo, the only thing that kept him going. "Baby, you're going to have to get it together. We have to make it home. I called Gavin to pick us up at the airport at 3:30 AM. He said it was no problem.

 

   The private plane was very cool and very generous of Aleski, he wished he was in a better emotional condition to enjoy it. Runo was talking about how Aleski actually took accountability for what happened and how he had made a mistake of throwing her in a foster home and if he could change it today he would have. Runo talked on and on the whole flight to London but Johnny had a very hard time concentrating on her because he was thinking of his mom. He had been too shocked and upset to ask his Dad how she died. But he assumed it was an overdose or something of the like.

 

   Johnny knew he had never had a normal relationship with his mother- and even though she had done a lot of things wrong and made a lot of mistakes she still was his mother. And what hurt the worst was that he had told Sylvia a little while ago not to respond to her letter. Now there were no chances to make things right.

 

   After they had the driver take them to Heathrow Airport in London they arrived and got through security with barely enough time to get to the gate. They almost missed the plane. He was still a nervous wreck once they sat down on the plane to DFW. Johnny knew if Runo wasn't here with with him right now he would not be stable enough to fly. Runo gave him the strength to keep going.

 

   Johnny had only been to one funeral, and that was his dad's mother. He was only 2 so he couldn't remember anything really about it. He was nervous to see all of his mother's family. They weren't too fond of him and Sylvia but especially their father because they all shunned Samantha away. He wasn't sure how he was going to handle all of this especially with Sylvia mad at him. He decided to write a poem about his mother and then get some sleep

 

GONE

 

You are gone now

I will never be able to make amends

I will never get to say I'm sorry

You were a broken soul

With nobody there for you

You were an angel with broken wings

I called Mother so proudly

All the years of my youth

Yet you had no control

With the seething mind of

An addicted body and soul

I can never delete

The razor sharp things I said

I cannot erase the memories of you

When I was a terrified little boy

And now you are gone

Far away from life

I truly cannot accept

Anything that it true

That you had chosen substances

Over 2 children and your husband

I love you, Mother

I always will

I close my eyes and I sigh

Wishing I could start this over

Wishing I could make this right

You will be forever

Haunting my sweetest day dreams

You have left us

Wondering all that you could

And might have ever been

The endless mystery binds me still

***********************************************************

[SYLVIA]

   Somehow she was so shocked she couldn't find the tears. Her mother was dead. She had shot herself. At first Sylvia felt like it was all her fault because she never wrote back to the letter. She had snorted several lines of coke, she had to have something to numb this pain away. Johnny and Runo were getting in at 3:30 AM and they were the last people she wanted to see. This was none of Runo's business.

 

   Poor Samantha had no one and Sylvia told herself she should have been there for her and maybe she wouldn't have taken her life. She was her only daughter after all. Her dad was trying his best to console her and tell her that it wasn't her fault. He told her Samantha had serious issues, and she had never gotten help for them.

 

   Sylvia knew that when Johnny got home they were going to have to drive to San Antonio for the funeral. She was going to have to sneak out tonight before they got back to get more coke. She was running low. It was totally necessary to get through this hard time. She asked her father: "What time is Johnny getting home?" "After Runo's parents pick them up at the airport they're going to go relax at their house and then come over here around 7:00. Then we are going to leave for San Antonio." "Is Runo coming?" Sylvia asked with disgust. "I'm not sure." her father said with a hint of anger towards Sylvia in his voice.

 

   She went into her bedroom and counted the money she had left. $42.00, that was only going to get her one gram. She needed. She didn't feel like having sex tonight with all that was going on, she thought maybe Ryan would cut her a deal and she could pay him back. She called 3 times, no answer. Her last resort was Blake. She dialed his number and he answered on the first ring. "Hey sexy." he said playfully "Did you miss me?" "Uh yeah, hey listen. I need some coke. My mom passed away and we have to go out of town in the morning so I need to see you tonight. How much?" "You know what I want." he said with a laugh.

 

   She REALLY did not feel like sex tonight. But she was afraid to tell him no. She tried to protest hoping he would listen to her plea. "Um I really would just rather pay you in cash." "Okay, we will talk about that tonight. Where do you live and what time should I be there?" She told him around 1:00 AM and gave him the address of the apartment complex.

 

   She waited around all day and finally it was time. Her Dad was fast asleep and she slipped out the patio door and climbed over the gate in Blake's car. "Okay, this has to be quick." she said rapidly. "Got it." he said affirming her request.

 

   She looked over at him and suddenly had a bad feeling about this. They got to his apartment and she pulled out the wad of cash and said: "Please give me everything you can for this." He snickered. "I'll tell you what. You suck my dick and f**k me I'll give you 2 grams." "I'd rather pay you in cash." she repeated herself firmly. "Okay, playing hard to get. I like that. How about 3 grams and a bottle of Seagram's Seven Whiskey. You like alcohol don't you?" What a deal this was. He was tugging at her shirt. She was getting 3 grams and alcohol for nothing but sex and a blow job. With $42 she'd probably get one gram, now she was about to get 3 for free. She shrugged and followed him into the bedroom.

 

   After the desperate sex was over and she was safely back into her bedroom she opened the bottle of whiskey and drank it straight out of the bottle. She took a huge sip and then spread out a line of cocaine. As long as she had this drug and a little booze she could function through this life. She couldn't sleep so she did another line. And then another.

 

   Sylvia could no longer feel the pain of her mother's suicide. She couldn't feel anything anymore. By the time 7 AM came she heard her dad let Johnny and Runo into the apartment. She was so jittery from the coke and felt so up that she didn't want them to ruin her mood. So she laid down in bed to think for a moment.

***********************************************************

[RUNO]

   Runo was exhausted from the flight. The time change had really gotten to her. It was her 18th birthday today but she didn't care. With the death of Johnny's mother Johnny was the only thing that mattered to her. She had never been so happy to see Gavin and Cynthia after what her parents had put her through.

 

   It broke Runo's heart to see Johnny so upset. Especially when Michael had told them she had shot herself, it wasn't an overdose. Johnny collapsed to his knees and was crying hysterically. She didn't need to be here. It wasn't her place. She started to call Cynthia to come pick her up so they could get all their things together and leave for San Antonio. "Wait Runo." Johnny said before she could dial.

 

   "I want you to come with us." Johnny said in between his tears. "Oh no I can't do that. I would be out of place." "He can't do this without you. He needs you, Runo." Michael said with tears forming in his eyes as well. "I really do need you." Johnny said choking on his tears. How could she back out now? Johnny had been there with her through everything, now she had to be there for him. But the big question in her mind was how would Sylvia take this?

 

   As far as Runo knew, Sylvia hated her now. Speaking of Sylvia she came staggering out of her bedroom. She had on wrinkled jeans and a dirty blouse with stains on it. Runo wasn't going to say anything about it but she looked completely out of it. She had dark circles underneath her eyes and her eyes were a bit bloodshot. Something was not right with her but Runo couldn't figure out what. "Hey Sis." Johnny said through his tears. She seemed extremely aggravated.

 

   "Why are you bothering to talk to me now? You didn't give a damn the whole time I was in treatment." "Hey, you said you were going to stop that Sylvia. You promised me." Michael said like he was on his last straw. Runo noticed that Sylvia was sniffling a lot and her nose was runny. Sylvia must have felt Runo looking her over because she snapped at her and said: "What are you staring at? I have a f*****g cold!" That was too much for Runo. She was crying now and she walked off into Johnny's bedroom.

 

   She remembered their friendship in the hospital and how much fun they used to have several months ago. She could hear them in the other room. Johnny said firmly: "I'm not going to let you talk to her like that." "Well why is she here?" "Because she's going with us to San Antonio." Johnny said walking to his bedroom to put his arm around her.

 

   Sylvia was whining like a child "Why?" she wailed. "Because I love her and I need her support right now." Runo didn't know what to say anymore it was like Sylvia had a complete personality change. Runo didn't know a thing about drugs but it seemed to her that something chemically was going on with Sylvia.

 

   But Runo wasn't going to say anything, not with all the stress of the suicide of their mother. Runo thought to herself that she was probably just being paranoid. And frankly, it was none of her business.

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   It made no sense how Sylvia could be so cruel to him and Runo. Something was going on with her. She just didn't look like herself. He knew she was mad at them for going to Helsinki but he figured once she saw him her anger would subside but it seemed like it had just gotten worse.

 

   She couldn't stop talking and when he was close to her he noticed that her pupils were dilated and her eyes were bloodshot. She would cycle from extreme irritability to hyper and fidgetiness. But where could Sylvia had gotten drugs from? The guy who gave her Vodka, she was too drunk to remember his name or face. She wouldn't lie about that would she? And not with her father at home.

 

   Once they were all loaded into the car Sylvia's sniffling from her 'cold' was starting to drive Johnny crazy but she didn't say anything. She kept talking about how sick she was. Johnny and Runo sat in the backseat of his dad's BMW and Sylvia was blabbing on and on. She was so hard to figure out. She didn't even seem sad that they were on the way to their mother's funeral.

 

   A normal person would have just let the anger slide in the event in the death of a family member, not holding a grudge against her brother and his girlfriend. Johnny thought this was going to be a long 5 hour drive. He almost felt bad for dragging Runo along but she was his rock. The only thing that truly mattered more than anything and the only thing that helped him keep going when it all seemed hopeless.

 

   Johnny had finally stopped crying about an hour into the drive. This was really the first time his tears had stopped since they found out the news in Helsinki. He was going to have to keep his emotions in check in order to get through the funeral.

 

   The whole drive was pretty solemn. Johnny knew Runo didnt want to be here but she was doing it for him and that made him love her even more. Johnny was in deep contemplation on the drive wondering how it would be to see his mother's side of the family because they were on very bitter terms with their Dad. The might possibly be blaming them for her suicide attempt because they had moved away from her.

 

   Was it there fault? No it couldn't be...Johnny thought to himself. Suicide is a choice. No one can make you do it.

As far as Sylvia was concerned, if she wanted to stay mad at him and Runo that was her call. He couldn't make her not mad but she was being both selfish and juvenile. This was a time they really needed to lean on each other but she was being so insensitive and cold hearted.

 

   What happened to the little girl he had watched grow up  and taken care of? Before she was so full of life and kind hearted, now all he saw when he looked at her were hollowed out eyes and a mean, worn out spirit. Maybe residential treatment had changed her for the worst. Maybe the whole thing had damaged her and quite possibly...there was no coming back.

***********************************************************

[SYLVIA]

   It had seemed like an eon by the time they made it to the hotel. She was still able to do her coke along the way when they stopped at a service station for bathroom breaks and for Runo and Johnny to smoke their cigarettes. She casually slipped into the bathroom and did a line of coke right off the toilet.

 

   The best part was nobody suspected a damn thing. Johnny pissed her off a few times when he told her to quit sniffling, he had said it was obnoxious. She felt like backhanding him. She didn't want to stay mad at her brother forever but right now she was still pissed off about everything he had NOT done for her while she was at New Foundations all because of Runo. Runo was beautiful, and perfect in every way but did that mean he had to ignore his little sister? She wanted to forget him but something inside her wouldn't let her.

 

   The coke made her so jittery she was worried someone would notice but nobody said anything to her. The last thing Sylvia would let happen would be getting her coke taken away from her.

 

   They were unloading the car when her Dad handed Runo and Johnny a room key. She waited for him to hand her one but instead he said: "Sylvia, you're sharing a room with me." This was just unacceptable. "Are you f*****g kidding me? Dad this is bullshit. I am old enough to have my own room!" She whined and cried in the hotel parking lot for about 10 minutes. Everyone was staring at her having her tantrum. How was she going to do coke sharing a room with her father? All of a sudden Johnny let her have it.

 

   "Do you realize how much of a spoiled brat you are being? Our mother has shot herself and here you are whining to our Dad that you can't have your own room. You are too young for that. You really need to grow up and realize what's important in life."

 

   She was seething with anger. She knew she shouldn't say this but she lost she all control and it just slipped out. "I hate you Johnny! I truly f*****g hate you!"

***********************************************************EPILOGUE:

[RUNO]

   It had been 2 weeks since the funeral. It had been very difficult for everyone there. Because she shot herself it was obviously a closed casket ceremony which relieved them. But they had pictures up of Johnny and Sylvia's mother Samantha, and she was a very beautiful woman. Her and Sylvia looked a little bit alike.

 

   During the funeral one of Samantha's friends, Josie, talked about how she had always been a very creative person and was an avid writer before addiction took over her life. Her mother, Iris, talked about her love for her 2 children. Johnny was very torn up during the service but he was very surprised with how supportive his mother's side of the family was to them, especially to Michael. They had a get together after the funeral service and Iris' house and Johnny introduced Runo to that side of his family. They were very welcoming to her.

 

   Sylvia was very withdrawn at the funeral and didn't really speak to anyone and kept going to the bathroom a lot. Runo didn't know what was going on with her. Maybe she had an eating disorder. She never ate anymore and she was rapidly losing weight. The 2 weeks that they had been home Johnny said she rarely spoke to them and spent most of the time in her room. Sylvia was going to be in 8th grade come September, she would have to get her act together soon.

 

   Runo and Johnny did talk about the possibilities of her being on drugs but Johnny didn't know where she would be getting them from, and when she was getting out to do it and how she would pay for it. And Johnny thought Sylvia would be too afraid to try a hard drug, maybe she would do Marijuana but not Meth or Coke or Heroin. She was too young, that was not something 13 year old girls did. But the way her eyes were bloodshot and her pupils dilated were more than enough evidence for Runo. But she wasn't going to try and convince Johnny that his sister was a drug addict.

 

   Everything with Sylvia was so fucked up. Runo decided she didn't want to get mixed up in the mess anymore than she already had. Plus, she didn't want Sylvia to hate her even more than she did already. Sylvia never talked to Runo unless she absolutely had to. Otherwise she pretended like she didn't exist. Johnny came to the conclusion that she was just going to hold this grudge against them, so be it.

 

   Runo had another conversation with her Uncle Aleski since she talked to him in Finland. Unlike her mother and father he apologized to Runo for not taking on the responsibly for her when Kukka and Jalo gave up. Runo decided to tell her uncle lightly about the abuse of foster hell. He apologized a thousand times. Runo knew he was being sincere. He even mentioned her and Johnny coming to New York City to see the city and just relax and get to know him and Shelby, so she could have some sort of family. But Runo had truly become comfortable calling Gavin and Cynthia, Dad and Mom. They were the closest things to parents she would ever have and she loved them dearly.

 

   She couldn't believe they were going to put off adopting a baby to take care of her a little longer. That showed her how much they truly loved her and the enjoyed her presence.

 

   Runo's cell phone was ringing and she knew it was Johnny. She groggily picked up the phone but perked up when she saw it was Johnny. "Hey baby." she said sleepily. "Did I wake you up?" he asked sadly. She didn't want to lie to him, even if it was something little. "Yeah but I should probably be up anyway. What time is it?" "It's only 9:20 I feel bad." "Don't worry about it. What's up?"

 

   He talked about how he had a surprise for her and wanted to pick her up at 6:30. She totally agreed. They hadn't seen each other in 3 days, and that was a long time for them. They were so in love it was like they had their own world of romance. She hung up and was getting ready to go to the gym with Cynthia, and then get ready to see her everything: Johnny Blackwell.

***********************************************************

[JOHNNY]

   Sylvia was starting to drive him insane. 2 weeks ago she had the nerve at their own mother's funeral she had told him she f*****g hated him. That changed everything. They probably only exchanged 5 or 6 words. There was something going on with her, Johnny knew it. But he didn't care to get involved. If Sylvia was going to self destruct there was nothing he could do. There was nothing anyone could do.

 

   If she was really on drugs that was a huge load of bullshit. She had been given the world of opportunity at New Foundations and she obviously didn't care. The fact that she had possibly thrown it all away was a slap in their Dad's face. Johnny knew it wasn't cheap to keep her there 4 months. It was absolutely pathetic that Sylvia had not even cared to graduate the program. If she was doing things she wasn't supposed to do, that showed Johnny that she had faked her way to get to Level 4.

 

   He decided to stop thinking about that bullshit and focus on Runo and the surprise he had for her. He had been planning it forever. When he pulled up at the Wellington's home Runo was on the front porch smoking a cigarette with Cynthia. They had been so good to Runo. As soon as Johnny got out of the car Runo ran to him and they embraced. "Y'all act like it's been 3 years, and it's only been 3 days!" Gavin said as he came out to say hi to Johnny with a laugh.

 

   They sat there and all talked on the front porch. The weather was miserable in the Texas August heat. It was almost 100 degrees! "Is everything going okay, Johnny?" Cynthia asked giving him a little pat on the back. He sort of chuckled and said: "Not really. My sister has gone crazy. I'm still shocked that my mom is really gone but I've come to accept that that she made the choice herself, nobody made it for her. Suicide is a really selfish thing to do." It got quiet. "I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My mom explained the same thing to me when my aunt killed herself when I was 8." Gavin said quietly.

 

   "Well you guys go have fun chain-smoking and chugging coffee or whatever you do." Cynthia said with her distinguished laugh. "We will." said Johnny and he noticed Cynthia winked at him. As soon as Runo noticed they were going in different direction than Starbucks she asked where they were going. "It's a surprise." Johnny said happily.

 

   They arrived at a field, but not the same one they went to to stargaze when Runo had a flashback. They had a gorgeous view of the sun that was just beginning to set. "Oh I get it! We're going to try the stargazing thing again? You know I'm not still mad about that, we have come so far passed that." she said taking is hand. The sunset was beautiful all colors of pinks and oranges. It was truly stunning. "No, not stargazing. We are going to watch the sunset while I read you a poem."

 

   "Oh my God, that sounds great! Is it a famous poem or one of yours?" Johnny laughed. "My poems will be famous one day." "Oh you know what I meant!" she said happily. Johnny grabbed a blanket from the trunk of his Acura and spread in out on the grass. "You ready to hear my poem?" "Always."

 

   He pulled out his poetry notebook and began to read his newest poem: "Eternity"

 

Eternity

 

Remembering the first time I saw you

Sitting there behind your books

Inside a world that you shared with none

You were in complete isolation

And I so badly longed to join you

In this creative world of passion

And soon you disappeared from my sight

And I feared I had lost you forever

 

Yet when you stunned me

As you have done countless time

You returned when I least expected it

Smiling up at me, like a jewel

 

And then I begin to remember

The poets that brought us together

And beginning to fuel

Our newly found love

Remembering the talks we would have

All of our laughs and all of our firsts

 

The first time my heart felt love

The first time our hands towhead

The first time our lips locked

In a union of pure bliss

The first time my hands caressed

The smoothest, delicate skin

And the first time 2 souls became one

 

You appeared onto me

Like an angel from above

Leaving me breathless

Leaving me charmed

And now love has me under its spell

For always until forever

I long to have you by my side

To know you and I

Are nothing but eternally bound

 

To know that you will always

Be my one and only

To know we are intertwined

Like vines full of roses

As I try and divulge

The extent of my admiration

To this perfect soul

 

You shine like the sun

And you glow like a radiant torchlight

And you refill my heart over and over again

You're more lovely than any painting or poem

More delicate than any flower

 

You have edified the voids

That never seemed to be filled

You have enthralled my life

To the fullest brim of completeness

And now you have left me

With 5 small words

Will you marry me, Runo?

***********************************************************

[SYLVIA]

   Sylvia's period was 2 weeks late. How could she be pregnant? There was no way in Hell. She tried to talk herself out of it, but she had been getting sick the last couple of mornings. This was completely fucked up. She needed to get to Walgreens ASAP to get a pregnancy test. But who could take her?

 

   How was this even fair? Why did she always get the s**t end of the deal? She was out of options. Either she had an abortion which she never wanted to do or she had the baby and that meant she would have to stop the coke. But she didn't even know if she was pregnant yet, it could be a false alarm.

 

   Over the last 2 weeks she continued to cycle through hanging out with Blake and Ryan and f*****g them to get cocaine. She really didn't care. She had been using several times everyday for the last 3 weeks. And when she would begin to run low, she would always panic. Her relationships with Ryan and Blake were not romantic, they were strictly business.

 

   But if she was pregnant what was she going to do? Neither one of them would admit they were the father and the worst part was she didn't know which one the father was. She was having sex with both of them in the same weeks. And couldn't they get in trouble for having sex with a minor? She needed the pregnancy test, but how could she tell her Dad she needed to go in alone? Then she had an idea which was going to be embarrassing but she had to do it.

 

   "Dad can you please take me to Walgreens?" "What for?" "Um...my period." it was the only thing she could think of. "Oh..okay sure." he said. "Let's go." They got in the car and when they got there her Dad said: "I don't know how much that costs but here's $25.00." "Thanks."

 

   She walked in the store and found the pregnancy tests., There were several different ones and she decided on one that said clearly: "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" It seemed the easiest to read. She was so humiliated that the guy behind the counter was staring at her and he said: "Aren't you  a little young to be buying this?" "Why don't you mind your own business?" Sylvia snapped and shoved the box into her purse.

 

   When they got back to the apartment Johnny was sitting on the couch grinning ear to ear. He looked like he was on Cloud 9. He had just gotten home from his date with Runo. "What are you so happy about?" Sylvia asked with annoyance. "I proposed! And she said yes!" Sylvia and there Dad looked at each other. Then their Dad ran over to hug him. "Congratulations Johnny!"

 

   Sylvia just sat there stunned. She wanted to be happy for Johnny. She wanted to partake in this joyous occasion. But somehow in the pit of her soul she just couldn't find happiness anymore, unless it was through       cocaine. She just stood there and said: "Do you even have a ring?" "I do. I saved up and bought her one. It was only about $350. I'm going to save up and get her a much nicer one some day down the road." While they talked Sylvia slipped away to her bathroom to pee on a stick/take a pregnancy test. A test that could change her life forever. 

 

   She felt so awkward peeing on this stick. She almost laughed that she was 13 and doing a pregnancy test and that there was no way to know who the father was. What had become of her? Where had her innocence gone? She waited impatiently for the test to read. She sat it down by the sink and closed her eyes.

 

   She picked it up a few minutes later and it read 'Pregnant' clear as day. "Oh f**k!" she whispered. Now what was she going to do? She had options but at the same time she had none. The only things she could do would be tell her father and have all of her secrets exploited. She could get an abortion, but that was something she was morally against. Plus, who would take her? She had chosen to have unprotected sex so she should step up and take the responsibility of being a parent. She could always give the baby up for adoption, but she knew once she carried it for 9 months there would be an attachment and she would back out.

 

   She knew sooner than later she was going to have to tell her father. She would start showing. But she didn't want to think about that right now. She knew nothing about pregnancy. She was going to have to google it. But the cocaine was going to be a problem. It wasn't that she didn't want to stop for the baby, the problem was she didn't think that she could. She knew it was wrong to use drugs during a pregnancy but what would it hurt to just do it for the first few months? She made a mental note to look up the affects of cocaine usage during pregnancy on the Internet.

 

   Sylvia was sure that people did drugs while they were pregnant and the baby would turn out fine. For example, she had overheard that while Johnny and Runo were in Finland, they had found out that Runo's mom used while she was pregnant with Runo and drank, and even though she didn't know what drugs, that probably didn't make a difference. Runo had turned out just fine.

 

   But the question looming in the air was, when and how would she tell her father and who was the father? How could she tell Ryan or Blake that they were the father of her child when they weren't even in a dedicated relationship? When their relationships just had to do with drugs and sex? They would never settle down and have a family with her. She knew that very well. Her head was starting to hurt as she took the pregnancy test and the box to her room with her. She couldn't leave behind any evidence.

 

   She panicked as she saw her father and Johnny sitting on the couch discussing the engagement. What the f**k was she going to do now? Her life had become a mess. This high stressful time called for a line of cocaine desperately.

***********************************

Author's Note

Book II should be published within the year after i graduate in May.