Chapter 5

Harperwood forest

Leelass and Lylass ride along on their horses slowly.

LEELASS

So remind me again why your plan on stealing the bow is better than mine?

LYLASS

Well because mine dosen't involve dressing like a woman and doing a distracting dance.

LEELASS

You were going to be a beggers wife and the dance was supposed to be amusing.

LYLASS

I bet you would have loved that. My plan will also not get us killed or caught.

LEELASS

Do tell.

LYLASS

We get into the castle via the roof using our trusty hook ropes. One of us climbs to the top to clear it of any guards and the other follows once the signal has been given.

LEELASS

And then?

LYLASS

And then my brother. We go in through the roof.

The sounds of twigs breaking, whispering voices and trees rustling distracts Leelass.

LEELASS

Do you hear that?

LYLASS

Yes. I believe they call it the wind.

LEELASS

Very funny Sandy Sarcastic. I meant did you hear the voices?

LYLASS

Voices? No.

LEELASS

Well I get the feeling we are not alone in here.

TENSE MUSIC RISES and suddenly out of a tree jumps a familiar little Squirrel.

Leelass and Lylass scream like girls and the Squirrel pokes it's tongue out at them.

LEELASS

Did you see that? That little son of a.

LYLASS

Oh relax it's just a Squirrel.

LEELASS

No it is not just a Squirrel. That was the same Squirrel I saw back when we robbed that old begger. Frigging thing has a set against me or something.

As the ride on farther down the path more voices and rustling is heard. Then onto the path in front of them falls GLINDA a beautiful young lady.

Leelass's eyes light up and Lylass looks stunned.

LEELASS

I saw her first.

LYLASS

I'm the one with the dream of laying with every princess.

LEELASS

Screw you. You don't even know if she is a princess.

LYLASS

Well she looks like one so that's good enough for me.

Glinda gets to her feet and dusts herself off.

LEELASS

Greetings madam I'm Leelass and this is my brother Lylass. We are Elves from the forest of Woodland.

LYLASS

We come in peace.

Glinda snaps her fingers and they quickly surrounded by other young LADIES. They all have colorful wings and wands pointed at Leelass and Lylass.

Glinda spreads her wings and pulls out her wand which is the biggest amoung the rest.

LYLASS

This isn't good is it?

glinda

Dismount your horses you are both being placed under arrest.

LEELASS

Arrest? On what grounds lady?

GLINDA

On the grounds of tresspassing through my our forest.

LYLASS

Your forest. We didn't see your name on it.

GLINDA

Foolish Elves do you not know what we are?

LYLASS

I know your gorgeous and that there are plenty of you.

LEELASS

What my brother means is that you are all stunning looking young woman who obviously don't get out enough to witness the male species.

The ladies all look at each other then Glinda smiles.

GLINDA

We are the fairies of Harperwood forest and I am Glinda the princess fairy.

LYLASS

(Whispers to Leelass)

I knew it.

LEELASS

Shut up.

LYLASS

Listen sister we both know fairies do not exist so tell us who you really are or my brother here will be forced to show you his immaculate archery skills.

LEELASS

I once killed three cows with a single arrow.

The ladies are all unphased by the brothers.

LEELASS

Very well you leave me with no choice.

Leelass reaches behind him to grab an arrow but only then realizes he has none left. He clears throat and grins at Glinda.

LEELASS

Well this is....

Leelass and Lylass are tied to a tree. The fairies dance around them.

LEELASS

This is entirely your fault.

LYLASS

My fault?

LEELASS

Yes. Let us cut through the Harperwood forest to save time. Great plan.

LYLASS

Well how was I to know that a bunch of loony woman held up in here.

LEELASS

Oh and for the record. You didn't even want to steal the bow in the first place and now we're both going to be eaten by fairies.

LYLASS

Okay that's it. One they are not fairies and two nobody is going to eat us.

Leelass just rolls his eyes and tries to wriggle out of the thick rope. One of the Fairies reaches into Lylass's pocket and takes out his diary.

LYLASS

Hey what do you think your doing? Give that back right now.

LEELASS

What is it did she take that coin satchel I stashed in your back pocket.

LYLASS

WHAT! There's no coin satchel on me.

LEELASS

Oh. Must be on your horse then.

LYLASS

Really? You stole from somebody back at the village.

LEELASS

Safira has her angry ways and I have my pick pocketing ways alright. Besides that'll teach her to kick me in the....

The Fairies all begin laughing as they crowd aound Lylass's book. He starts to hiss at them then he tries blowing at them.

LYLASS

Drop it! Drop it now!

LEELASS

Drop what? Are they laughing?

girl fairy 1

(Reads from Lylass's diary)

My one and only wish is to meet every beautiful princess in all the kingdom and lay with her.

Another Fiary takes it and continues.

GIRL FAIRY 2

Perhaps this is the only way I will meet the woman I am destined to be in love with.

LEELASS

Oh come on really? You wrote that?

LYLASS

Shut up! Give me back my book you devil fiend femme fatales.

GIRL FAIRY 1

Such a romantic elve.

GIRL FAIRY 2

More like a loser elve to me.

They laugh and drop the book on the ground in front of Lylass. He tries to use his feet to get but is limited in his movements and cannot.

Glinda comes out from behind some trees and walks over to Leelass and Lylass. She picks up his book and slips back into his pocket.

Lylass looks at her strange.

LYLASS

Thank you (a beat) I guess.

LEELASS

Who is it?

GLINDA

Sorry about my ladies they don't get the entertainment of many elven men around here.

LEELASS

I don't suppose they would if you keep tying them up.

GLINDA

It's nothing personal just a pre caution is all. A Fairy princess needs to protect her endangered kind.

LYLASS

For the love of all things thievery you are not a Fairy. Fairies do not exist.

GLINDA

After all you have seen up close you are still of that thought?

LEELASS

Yeah Lylass your an idiot shut up. Okay Fairy princess let us propose a deal. If you let us walk away from here right now we promise not to steal anything for at least five hundred miles.

Glinda just smiles at shakes her head.

LEELASS

Okay two hundred miles.

GLINDA

I'm sorry I cannot.

LYLASS

Why don't you prove it to me. If your a Fairy show us some of your Fairy magic.

Glinda readies herself and her wand. It lights up in the air as she whirls it around.

Then the unthinkable happens. Glinda flicks the wand and farts causing Fairy glitter to shoot out from her rear.

Leelass and Lylass both look at Glinda as if they had just seen their parents making love.

LYLASS

That wasn't magic you just farted.

LEELASS

You fart glitter?

GLINDA

We prefer the term breaking magic.

LEELASS

Well it dosen't get much clearer then that does it Lylass. These ladies are definately Fairies. So now that your certain we believe you. Will you do us the proper Fairy way and let us go?

Glinda giggles and then begins laughing loudly. Leelass and Lylass join in laughing.

They laugh for a few minutes.

GLINDA

(Stops laughing)

The only Fairy way is to eat you.

Leelass and Lylass stop laughing in an instant.

LEELASS

I told you they were going to eat us.

Leelass and Lylass are hogtied and hanging over an open fire.

LEELASS

Oh but nobody listens to me. I'm just the older brother who knows nothing!

LYLASS

You have made your point.

LEELASS

Well good and seeing as it's my last and all I have but one final wish.

LYLASS

Let me guess you wish that a dragon would fly over us and swing down to aid us by cooking these Fairies instead?

LEELASS

No (a beat) I hope they eat you first.

Lylass frowns at Leelass as if annoyed at him. The Fairies dance around the brothers with their wands shooting all sorts of glitter and magic.

LYLASS

For the record I'm sorry I haven't been all that enthused about this bow it's just as I get older I think about what I could have other than stealing all the time.

LEELASS

There is more to life than sex with princesses my brother.

LYLASS

I know it's just....Wait what?

Two Fairies crouch down to Leelass and Lylass.

fairy 1

We can't wait to gobble you up like the tasty elves you are.

LEELASS

How do you know we're tasty. I mean we could taste like (a beat) well like. A little help here Lylass.

LYLASS

Uh we could taste like rotten apple cores.

LEELASS

Or rancid milk.

LYLASS

Or maybe even old dry dog hair.

LEELASS

Or a*s. We could taste like burnt a*s. Nobody wants to eat a*s right?

FAIRY 2

I want to eat the stupid one first.

FAIRY 1

I got dibs on his eyeballs.

LEELASS

Which one is the stupid one again we look so much a like sometimes it's hard for me to tell.

Glinda stands up from her throne.

GLINDA

Ladies ladies can I have your attention please?

All the Fairies turn to their princess.

GLINDA

Tonight is a special occasion. An occasion we don't get to celebrate all that often around here anymore.

LEELASS

(Whispers)

Jeez I wonder why?

GLINDA

We have not had elven meat in our prescene for over three decades and now two wander so graceuslly into our midst. There is only one logical explanation for their prescence. Our god Judyth wanted to break that hunger chain.

LEELASS

Oh great the last thing I wanted to hear before I died was a preyer.

GLINDA

So come join me in a moment of worship as a thank you to Judyth for this long awaited feast.

All the Fairies begin to glow and prey. Leelass begins struggling. Then one of his hands slips the rope.

LYLASS

You got loose.

LEELASS

Not exactly.

Leelass still struggles with the other hand.

LYLASS

Untie me.

LEELASS

Give me a second.

Leelass manages to position himself upside down he then gets his mouth to the other hand and bites the knot. Eventually he is free and he drops to the dirt.

The Fairies are so involved in their worship they have not noticed Leelass's escape.

Leelass begins untying Lylass but before he can finish a small rock hits him in the back of the head.

LEELASS

(Screams)

Yeowch!

All the Fairies turn around and notice Leelass trying to save Lylass. Leelass catches a glimpse of a little Squrriel in the tree behind him.

The Squrriel pokes it's tongue out at him before running off. Leelass gives it an evil glare before noticing the Fairies.

Leelass begins tying Lylass back up.

LEELASS

He almost got loose ladies but fear not I got to him first.

LYLASS

What the hell are you doing?

LEELASS

Shut up you escape artist you. Nobody runs off on the Fairies of the Harperwood forest. Right ladies.

They all draw their wands at Leelass.

GLINDA

Kill them both.

LEELASS

Hey I did you a favor you ungreatful bit.

Suddenly Little Red comes diving out of the trees. She fires a crossbow at the Fairies. She hits three of them and they explode into glitter.

Glinda and the others shoot magic from their wands at her but Little Red evades every attempt. She gets clear for a moment and tosses Leelass his bow and some arrows.

LYLASS

I'd hate to break up the triumphant rescue but what about me!

Leelass shoots Lylass down and is shot at by several Fairies. He runs up the tree trunks and returns fire. Killing two more Fairies.

Little Red cuts Lylass free and gives him two swords. He looks at them and smiles.

LYLASS

Did you girls miss me. Daddies never going away again I promise.

Lylass kisses the swords and begins fighting. The Fairies use their magic but it proves unworthy against Leelass, Lylass and Little Red.

All the Fairies are eventually killed leaving Glinda all alone.

Leelass, Lylass and Little Red move in on her.

GLINDA

Now hold on a minute lets not blow this entire situation out of control.

LEELASS

You were going to eat us.

LITTLE RED

(Furiously to Glinda)

Really!

GLINDA

Now I only said that as a ploy. We were just trying to scare you is all. Really we meant nothing by it. Infact.

Leelass fires an arrow into Glinda's chest and she explodes into glitter. Lylass looks at him angrily.

LYLASS

What the hell did you do that for?

LEELASS

What! She was going to eat us.

LYLASS

Yeah but she didn't. You could have given her a chance.

LEELASS

Oh come on. Did the wicked witch give Snow White a chance to not bite the poison apple.

Lylass stands straining to retaliate. Little Red looks to him as if waiting for a response.

LYLASS

I got nothing.

LITTLE RED

Well now that this whole little cherade is over do you two want to tell me what your doing in the Harperwood forest?

LYLASS

We are on our to castle Feble to....

LEELASS

(Interupting)

To find the princess I am so madly in love with.

Lylass shoots him a look of confusion. Leelass just gives him a cheeky grin.

LITTLE RED

A princess and you?

Little Red laughs loudly. Leelass is offended.

LEELASS

What's funny about that? I got with you at one time did I not?

LITTLE RED

Yeah me (a beat) but I'm no princess.

LEELASS

I know that.

LITTLE RED

What's that supposed to mean.

Lylass steps between them as if using himself as a barricade. Leelass and Little Red stare at each other intensely.

LYLASS

Can we just not do this okay. Look we are going to Feble to pull off the most insane robbery the world will ever know. We are going to steal the bow of Feble.

Little Red just stares at both of them then flies into laughter again.

LITTLE RED

Oh my I always knew you were diluted Leelass but seriously. You have out done yourself.

LEELASS

Why because your not brave enough to try it.

LITTLE RED

Brave enough oh that has nothing to do with it. I'm not that metally retarded. That bow is locked away in the highest tower under twenty four seven guard by the most wicked queen and her men in all of Analville kingdom.