F My Wedding Day

You think you've been embarrassed before.

My wedding day was meant to be the best day of my life. I suppose I should introduce myself, my name is Holly and I'm your average everyday office worker. I work for a company called N Tec we sell and distribute football, hockey and baseball equipment. I know what your thinking what a manly job for a lady well that's where my wedding day comes in. I met Lucid Heart a star baseball player at a bar in Austin Texas about a year ago. He was standing there with a group of his friends and I was there with a group of my girls. I waited a few hours until things got a little quiet then I made my move. We started out talking them that led to a few drinks and I guess you could say one thing led to another. After all who wants to know all the details right? We didn't know where things were going to go but after 3 months together it became apparent for him to come out about our relationship. 3 months ran into 6 months and we decided to move in together. Wow his house was amazing at first glance I mean you try moving from a five foot walk up into a Malibu mansion and not be impressed. I hooked up his baseball team to be sponsored by my company it was the least I could do, I thought. After a year together he popped the question and I said yes with a capital Y. Turning onto to the wedding plans. Not that much to tell really I mean he has the money but it's daddies job to pay for the wedding and my father really didn't mind that was until I told him the full price of the ceremony was going to be almost fifty thousand dollars. I thought he was going to have a stroke or something. It all turned well and the money was paid then the ceremony happened and I mean oh boy did it happen. This is the part of the story where you go WOW that must have been hard on you Holly. I feel for you Holly and if you don't think either of those things then your a mean spiteful person. So I get all dressed up in my two thousand dollar silk wedding dress and I start to feel nautious. Normal right? Nerves on your wedding day. Except it wasn't nerves it something much much more sinister. The church was full there must have been at least a thousand guests everybody looked almost as beautiful as me. He stood at the alter as my father did the longest walk of his life as he tells me. Lucid took my hands and the Priest began residing his words. Lucid looked me in the eyes and we shared a smile although mine was false because my stomach was playing games with me. I had the gurgles really bad and it seemed like I was the only one who was taking notice. It came time for that spectacle of a wedding line. Do you Holly Marie Stewart take this man to be your lawful wedded husband said the Preist. The gurgles became worse and Before this paramount question could be answered I let out the loudest and most grizzly sounding fart I had ever heard. It echoed through the church and must have replayed at least four times. All eyes were locked on me including Lucid's. I was ready to go and kill
myself but instead all I said was I DO. F my wedding day.

Author's Note

Keep in mind i'm not a comedy writer but I hope you get a laugh out of this.