4...5...6

1-6-2007

 

4…5…6

 

As I lay here in the darkness

There are a few sounds that aid me in the silence

The click clack of my sullen blue clock serenades my ear

Setting a patterned beat to the stillness

 

It is peaceful as I lay here

Drawing in the warmth of my love

Her breaths warm my chest as she lightly awakens

“I’m hot Papito”, she mumbles in her slumber

She then lifts the white down cover off her left calf to cool her

 

The quiet beat resumes

I gather the noise that emanates through my window

There is an old car, whose worn engine hums

As it adjusts to the wintry weather below 

My eyes, ears and mind slip into a sleepy slumber

Patterned with my love’s warmth and breath

 

 

 

Kevin M. Reader

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

This makes for pleasant reading; very soothing tone detailing a tranquil moment.

"my sullen blue clock serenades my ear" - i liked this imagery, also the assonance...although clocks tend to click or buzz rather than hiss, it still kind of works.

Like Thomas Manion, I'm unsure about your line "There are a few sounds that aid me in the silence"; i like it, but the vagueness of it in comparison to the simplicty of the rest of the poem, and also the beautiful simplicity of this picture, causes conflict. With a small hint at what the sounds are aiding you with, this would come across as less artificial and blend in with the style of your piece.

"a old car" (an)
"my loves warmth" (love's?)

I enjoyed reading this. You've done a good job.
Thanks for posting it.

[Crap!]

just a great write. very warm and natural. I enjoyed this a lot.

[Gandré]

Truly beautiful poem. I don 't know what I would change.
I like it, it has got a certain quality. I am just intuitive.
Cannot write reviews, usually not.
thank you for sending it to me.

[Bubo]

Love your flow during a peaceful night.......sounds and a warm person nexxt to you..........a quiet calm piece, except the clock!

[Cupcaker Baker Maker]

I really like it; there's a beautiful flow to it and it feels very real. However, I'm not sure how well the line "There are a few sounds that aid me in the silence" works. It does not feel as real as the rest of the piece.

[Jeff "jazzman"..]

I love the feeling of peaceful bliss in this poem, very nice work......Keep it coming!

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

This is so soothing , the only thing is the clock does not hum for me, keeps me awake.
This just feels safe (?) Maybe that's how it makes me feel.
Love the all of it.
Thanks for sharing.

Peace

[Katie Lynn]

nice, I really love your writing, thanks for sharing!!!!

[Erotic Goddess]

My eyes, ears and mind slip into a sleepy slumber
Patterned with my loves warmth and breath

The delight of being there with a sleeping lover, knowing the sounds of the world around you. Delighting in the sounds and feel of a lover, there in your arms, the world at peace around you.