4...5...6

1-6-2007

 

4…5…6

 

As I lay here in the darkness

There are a few sounds that aid me in the silence

The click clack of my sullen blue clock serenades my ear

Setting a patterned beat to the stillness

 

It is peaceful as I lay here

Drawing in the warmth of my love

Her breaths warm my chest as she lightly awakens

“I’m hot Papito”, she mumbles in her slumber

She then lifts the white down cover off her left calf to cool her

 

The quiet beat resumes

I gather the noise that emanates through my window

There is an old car, whose worn engine hums

As it adjusts to the wintry weather below 

My eyes, ears and mind slip into a sleepy slumber

Patterned with my love’s warmth and breath

 

 

 

Kevin M. Reader

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

This makes for pleasant reading; very soothing tone detailing a tranquil moment.

"my sullen blue clock serenades my ear" - i liked this imagery, also the assonance...although clocks tend to click or buzz rather than hiss, it still kind of works.

Like Thomas Manion, I'm unsure about your line "There are a few sounds that aid me in the silence"; i like it, but the vagueness of it in comparison to the simplicty of the rest of the poem, and also the beautiful simplicity of this picture, causes conflict. With a small hint at what the sounds are aiding you with, this would come across as less artificial and blend in with the style of your piece.

"a old car" (an)
"my loves warmth" (love's?)

I enjoyed reading this. You've done a good job.
Thanks for posting it.

[Sally Edwards]

Beautiful, it conjures up a lovely tender vision of 2 people together and the sounds as sleep gently overcomes ......... wonderfully written

[Cope Hayden]

I liked this poem alot. It portrays that spiritual sort of contented half-existance we sometimes experience at night. Please send me some of your other poetry.

[Jillian Alexis (has bee..]

Still my favorite!

[Mannix]

This is very good. I can definitely picture this. You did an excellent job. Hell I can even smell it. I can feel the breeze from the open window with the white curtains in there.

[Sweet Addictions Is Stu..]

This is very realistic and sweet.

"It is peaceful as I lay here
Drawing in the warmth of my love
Her breaths warm my chest as she lightly awakens
�I�m hot Papito�, she mumbles in her slumber
She then lifts the white down cover off her left calf to cool her "

I can imagine that I lay there too.
wonderful job!
-S.A.

[Contessa Nite]

This is really beautiful and touching. All the words seem infused with the light and love. Interesting, I wonder if its your own experience that you write about?

[Jillian Ashe]

Very pretty, I love the sleepy girl. It's so real and very touching. Great job, the description is great.

[Jillian Alexis (has bee..]

i love this...
when i read it i really felt like i could imagine it all..
the part about her mumbeling in her sleep and pulling her the covers off her calf to cool off made it so real
amazing.

[O!]

I felt the silence.....with the sounds!!......now..i never thought id say that!!!

This read was very calming....i was whispering my read (if that makes any sense..hahaha)...

lovely :-)

a (an) old car
loves (love's) warmth

6...5...4..........................out! ;-)

Thank you.

O! :-)

[Carrissa Cone]

Wow, this has an amazing message and only so short!
it makes me feel like I have someone next to me and I'm in bed...
lovely imagery.
Ck