Finally

I had a realization I though I'd share.

I’m beginning see things in a different light. I’ve realized something: the reason I’ve been so torn lately is because I’ve been attempting to change into something others expected from me instead of focusing on what it is I want to see in myself. I would preach about it all the time but never noticed how badly I needed to follow my own advice.

I was wearing myself out trying to meet the standards of people whose minds worked differently than mine. I couldn’t find a good balance because I was trying to stand on the beliefs of others rather than build my own. Until you have the tools necessary to do so, it’s best to stay afloat to avoid landing on something you think will keep you steady only to get too comfortable on something so fragile.

Uncertainty can be more destructive than you think; a person can drown in it if they allow it to take over. They’ll drive themselves mad trying to understand situations that will never fully make sense. However, it also occurs whenever new ideas are formed. Those are the circumstances in which uncertainty can actually be quite beneficial. There’s nearly always a feeling of excitement associated with the birth of a new idea. It’s like planting a seed without knowing what it is. Even though it’s a mystery you still know it’ll take the shape of something eventually so you’re never worried about the outcome; you’re simply curious. Once it’s planted you can either use it as fertilizer or you can let it remain buried. You can’t take what grows in someone else’s field and place it in your own then expect it to just grow the same. They’re different seeds meant for a different soil. The blossoms will wilt trying to survive in the wrong environment. You can plant all the seeds you want but the land will remain barren unless given proper care. The most beautiful minds are those rich in variation rather than containing a hundred different versions of the same concept. A garden isn’t automatically successful just because it blooms. Even if what sprouts through the surface is appealing, everything begins to lose its value once there’s too much of it. There’s true beauty in creating something different than what you’re used to and making it blend with what surrounds it.

It’s almost amusing how much easier everything is once you let go of poisonous thoughts. It takes twice the effort to believe in such things when you could be putting it towards being productive for yourself instead. I feel so foolish for breaking myself down all the time because I thought it was necessary in order to fit into where I didn’t even need to be. I figured if I took other ways of living and tweaked them, I would always appeal to a portion of everyone around me and life would therefore become easier. I feel like such an idiot. I spent so much time analyzing all the wrong things and asking all the wrong questions. No wonder I was so confused. I was creating conflict for myself by getting immersed in a thought process that contradicted my own, all while genuinely believing I was somewhat on the right track. I was only stuck because I couldn’t further the progression of someone else’s ideas. The only way to move forward is to separate yourself from everyone else and disregard their opinions. Only then will you be able to establish what it is you truly believe in.

I’ve been standing on such shaky ground lately wondering why I continued to falter. When you’re so used to constant instability it begins to affect your overall attitude of yourself as well as the world around you. It makes it so you’re never really certain of anything because of how often you stagger from lack of balance. You grow used to the feeling of nervousness you get each time you took another uneasy step in search of stillness. It’s difficult to maintain an air of confidence when you’re standing on a deteriorated platform, unsure of how to reach safety before it crumbles beneath your weight. It’s a graveyard. This is a place for people to abandon their unwanted ideas for others to pick up. This is where weak minds rip apart what they find and change it into something different. What they don’t understand though is that change is not the same as improvement. The outcome may look different but it’s still just a reconstruction of the original. They believe that by rearranging the pieces it becomes theirs when they’re actually just taking credit for recycled ideas. How can you expect to even stand by your opinions if they only exist through the logic of another? If you’re dependent on stolen beliefs to provide your voice in life then you’ll die without one.