Hinges

This is actually from my perspective in situations I've recently been put through.

     Relationships are tricky... and they're fragile. Family is the worst at the top of this list. You can't try to push anything, because if you even try... everything crumbles. I learned this the hard way. It's hard to remember why or how any of this happened... but it happened, and it's not over yet, though it will be soon. But until it ends, I can't calm down. I can't rest. I can't even breathe. I have to hold my breath and walk around on eggshells until June fifth.

     Of all the things my mother has done to me in my lifetime, this has to have been the most painful. I pray that God gives me the strength to forgive her, but it's so hard. There are things I've seen and places I've been that someone my age should never have to. But for whatever reason, she decided to have me sent there. She turned it around and made it my fault and I took the fall for it. And some people might say there's no coming back from this, but I'm strong and I have faith. And it's amazing, because when they finally gave me my shirt back and I walked out, the last thing everyone in there saw from me was "Have Faith, Y'all!"

     I'm not perfect. I make more mistakes in one hour each day than I can count on my fingers. But the difference between me and my mother is that I KNOW when I've done something wrong. I don't blame my mistakes on others to avoid the consequences if I know I deserve what's coming to me... sometimes, even, if I know that I don't deserve it. I take it anyway because that's how I was raised. You can call me a lot of things... stubborn, hard-headed... but you cannot call me disrespectful. Because that definitely is not something I am.

     I try not to be bitter. I try to be forgiving. I try to understand, but I can't. I try to be happy. I try to be okay, but I'm not, and I probably won't be for a long time. I don't want to talk to a counselor about it. I don't need a therapist. I don't need to be institutionalized. I don't want to die. I just want everything to stop. I want the pain to go away. I want to be happy again. I don't want to drown in all the tears on my pillow. I want to play again. I want to sing, maybe even dance. I want everything to fall into place instead of falling apart for once. I want to be able to walk somewhere and not have scared people staring at me. I'm not dangerous. I'm not a threat. I'm not anyone's enemy. I'm just McKena.

     Everything I've been put through has made me more like a hinge on a door. I'm straining from the weight put on my shoulders. I'm trying to hold everything together, but it's too much for me... and something has got to give, or I will be no more. I'll be broken and there won't be any way to fix me. No one should have to feel like that. As little as I think of myself, not even I should have to feel like I'm nothing. I don't deserve to be told by people who have committed to worse actions and dug themselves deeper holes with smaller shovels than I have... that I'm nothing.

 

 

I can sum up all that I've learned about life in three simple words that I write on my wrist when I feel like the world is falling apart around me: LIFE GOES ON.

Author's Note

Even if you don't know what I'm talking about... I hope you enjoyed.