Encounter at Dumpoint

This is almost, but not quite, fan fiction.

encounter at dumbpoint

By Ken Green

Ensign Ellen Carter sat at her workstation aboard the Vasco de Gama, and peered intently at the screen, her pretty brow furrowed in concentration.

“Golly,” she muttered under her breath, “Sudoku is really hard.”

“Carter!” Lieutenant Hayes barked at her as he entered the linguistics lab, “You have a mission. Get your a*s to the briefing room.”

“Yes, sir!” she called out with her annoying, cheerful enthusiasm, as she stood, smoothing the hem of her red StarForce uniform minidress. She quickly closed the Netflix tab, then took a moment to check herself out. Glancing down, she noted that her StarForce go-go boots were polished to a high shine. If she stood just right, she could just see the reflection of her endearing young charms.

A mission! How exciting! I probably should be wearing underwear. Too bad it’s laundry day.

A quick glance aft told her that the seams on her hose were straight. Looking to the front, she noted that the twins were up and proud: she had a nice rack, and StarForce led the galaxy in bra technology. She stole a glance at her reflection in the monitor. Her hair was a glorious cascade of fiery Irish curls.

“Today, Ensign?” Hayes growled.

“Right behind you, sir!” she sing-songed, rushing to catch up with him. Their boots echoed in the dingy corridor. Soon they arrived in the briefing room. Carter was surprised to see T’Haan, her best friend, already there. T’Haan was looking fab, her blue StarForce minidress complementing her lovely café au lait complexion and her coal-black shiny hair. T’Haan had the petite, lithe body of a ballet dancer, and beneath that cool, intellectual façade beat a passionate heart.

“Right, you lot, listen up,” Captain Wassim said, “We’re making a whistle stop at this Podunk planet called…” he consulted his data pad, “Lozenge 03372. They’re petitioning for membership in the Codominion, and we need to send down a delegation, so you’re it.”

“But, sir,” T’Haan objected, “This is a diplomatic mission. Carter and I are the most junior members of the crew, and are completely unqualified. Why would you send us?”

“Because it sounds really boring, and I don’t want to do it. I hate hobnobbing with locals. So get down there, smile and nod, look pretty, and let them show you their farm tractors or whatever they’re so proud of. With any luck, there will be a buffet. Get out of here.”

“Smile and nod,” Carter smiled, nodding, “I think I can remember that.”

“Come on, let’s go,” Hayes growled, leading the way to the shuttle.

They shuttled down to the planet, and were ushered to a big tacky reception hall. As predicted, there was a buffet. The girls quickly grabbed plates and descended on the feast.

“Golly,” Carter said, “Look at all this kooky food. I want to try everything!”

“I wonder if any of this is Vegan food,” T’Haan said.

“Vegan?” Carter asked, puzzled, “I thought you were Sophian.”

“I am Sophian. I was born on Sophia. But I only eat Vegan food.”

“Oh, I get it,” Carter smiled and nodded, “Veganism is a religion!”

“Yeah,” T’Haan nodded, “Pretty much.”

Carter piled a mound of quasishrimp on her plate.

“The only thing that would make this better,” she said, “Would be a chocolate fountain. I love a good chocolate fountain.”

Behind her, a chocolate fountain binged into existence.

“Did you hear something?” Carter asked.

“Yeah. A tiny, bell-like, ‘Bing’ sound,” T’Haan said, “I figured it came from you.”

“Why would I go ‘Bing’?”

“I have no idea. You’re always saying weird things. I mostly tune you out.”

Carter grumbled and turned back to the buffet. She was delighted to see the newly formed fountain, and eagerly ladled sweet, sticky syrup all over her quasishrimp.

“Go easy on that, Sweetie, leave some for everybody else,” T’Haan cautioned.

“Hey,” Carter said, her pretty brow furrowed, “Was this fountain here earlier? Like, a minute ago?”

“It had to have been. Things don’t just Bing into existence.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Carter tried one of her chocolate-covered quasishrimp, “Oh, my gosh, this is so good. You have to try this.” She held one out for T’Haan to sample.

“No, thanks,” T’Haan declined, “I’d rather have some nice, simple tamrack soup.

Right before their eyes, a huge steaming tureen of hot, steaming tamrack soup appeared. Bing.

“Okay,” T’Haan said, “Did you see that?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s just weird.” T’Haan turned to her datapad and brought up the tricorder app, “Quick, wish for something else.”

“I don’t want to seem greedy,” Carter said, greedily cramming quasishrimp into her mouth.

“D****t, woman, this is science. Ask for something.”

Carter chewed and thought.

“Some strawberries and cocktail sauce would be nice…”

Bing. A generous bowl of strawberries, smothered in cocktail sauce appeared.

“This is the best planet ever!”

“Just as I suspected,” T’Haan said, peering intently as her pad, “As the item appeared, I read an enormous discharge of energy.”

“Neat,” Carter said, “But how does the soup taste?”

“What difference does that make?” T’Haan asked, “The important thing is…”

“Blah, blah, science, science. Try the soup. It’s impolite not to.”

“Fine,” T’Haan ladled soup into a bowl, blew on it, and tasted.

“Oh,” she said, in a distant voice, “Oh, by the stars and heavens,” she stared at the bowl in disbelief, tears in her eyes, “That…is the most perfect tamrack soup I’ve ever tasted.”

“Wow, that must be some amazing soup,” Cater stuck her finger in it and stuck it in her mouth, looked puzzled, then frowned, “That’s cream of celery.”

“Yes,” T’Haan said, her eyes dreamy, “So good…”

“You are so weird.”

“You don’t understand. This is the taste of my childhood. Running home from school, climbing the steps to my hab unit, the smell of tamrack soup coming from the kitchen. I would run to the kitchen, and my nana would scoop me up in her arms, and I would bury my face in her shoulder. In those moments, I felt so warm, so safe, so utterly loved. Love just poured out of her like light from a star, engulfing me, filling me with its warmth…”

“If she had put some paprika and maybe a little oregano in this, it would have been really good,” Carter said.

T’Haan held up a hand. “Carter, please. Do me a favor. Just don’t talk for a few minutes. Let me savor this memory.” She closed her eyes and turned away.

“Yeah, okay,” Carter went back to her strawberry cocktail, lifting the bowl to her face and pretty much making out with it, finishing by licking the bowl. Then she switched back to the chocolate quasishrimp sundae, and made it a menage a trois.

T’Haan wiped her eyes and turned back in time to witness the appalling spectacle. She took a deep breath.

“Carter, I’d to perform another experiment.”

“Okay,” Carter said, throwing the bowl over her shoulder, “What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to wish for a nonfood item,” T’Haan did stuff with her pad, “I’m configuring this to get a directional reading on the energy discharge. So wish for a warm, wet, towel.”

“Why would I wish for…”

“Because you need one. Just do it already.”

“Fine,” Carter held her hands out to the empty air, “I wish I had a warm, wet towel.”

A warm, wet towel binged into existence and fell into her hands.

“Got it,” T’Haan said, gazing at her screen, “Whatever is doing this is directly below us. Five meters below us.”

“That’s great,” Carter said, holding the towel, “What do I do with this?”

“Hand it to me.”

She did.

T’Haan wiped the chocolate and cocktail sauce off Carter’s face.

“Honestly, Woman, I can’t take you anywhere,” she gently scolded, “Now show me your piggies.”

Carter held her hands up, and T’Haan wiped them clean.

“So what do we do now?” Carter asked.

“We’d better find the lieutenant, and tell him something weird is going on.”

They tracked down the lieutenant. He was still hobbing and nobbing with the bigwigs. They had fixed him up with a brace of very expensive looking floozies who were pouring champagne or something like it down him.

“Lieutenant,” T’Haan interrupted.

“Oh,” he said, annoyed, “What do you two want?”

One of the floozies looked speculatively at Carter. Carter pooched her lips out and threw her an air kiss.

“I’ve detected some large energy discharges stemming from…”

“Oh, gross! I don’t want to hear about your lady problems, I’m negotiating a trade deal here! Go away.”

“But, Sir…”

“I mean it, Ensign. Whatever you have going on down there, I expect you to take care of it yourself. Show some initiative.”

T’Haan sighed and turned away.

“Well, you heard the man. We’re on our own.”

“Good,” Carter said, “He’s dead weight anyway, Let’s go find some stairs to the basement.”

They wandered around till the found a door. On it, a sign read:

BASEMENT ACCESS

AUTHORIZED PERSONELL ONLY

“Is it locked?” T’Haan asked.

Carter tried it. It was.

“Well, that’s that. We tried. Back to the party, I guess.” T’Haan turned away.

“Wait,” Carter said, “That is not it. We’re StarForce officers, and that means we don’t give up. There’s a mystery on the other side of that door, and I’m going to solve it.”

“Yeah? How are you going to do that?”

“The way I do everything. With style, poise, and a little gentle brutality.” She squared up in front of the door and adjusted her b***s.

“Okay, door,” she said, “We can do this the easy way, or…” She leaned back, snapped her thigh up, and launched her foot into the door. The corridor echoed with the mighty impact. The door did not fly open. Carter wound up on her back, looking at the ceiling.

“Ow. I am killed,” she lamented.

T’Haan brought up the diagnostic app on her pad. She scanned her crewmate.

“Nope,” she said, “You still live.”

“I think I broke my foot.”

Scan, scan, scan.

“You did not. Get up, you slacker. You’re embarrassing me. Even more than usual.”

Carter stood.

“Perhaps we should try a different tactic,” she said, “Oh! I’ll wish the door open. I wish this door would open for me.”

It did not.

“Hmm. That’s interesting,” T’Haan said, peering at her pad, “I registered a charge building up, but it seemed to short out or something. All our successful wishes have been for objects. Try wishing for a key.”

“Good idea.” Carter held out her hand. “I wish for a key that will unlock this door.”

No dice.

“There it is,” T’Haan said, again staring at the screen, “Something is interfering with the process.”

“Can I help you two ladies?” asked the maintenance guy who had happened by.

“Why, yes,” Carter said, smiling her big, big smile, “My sexy friend and I would like to go to the basement, for completely innocent purposes. So if you could just open that door for us, we’d be very grateful.”

“Yeah, right,” he said, “Why would I do that?”

“Well, maybe if you opened the door, we could all go in, and you and me could have a little fun together.”

            T’Haan rolled her eyes and quietly stepped behind the maintenance guy.

            “Yeah,” he said, and then I might get fired, and I’d get to go home and tell my wife how much fun I had getting fired today. Take a hike, Lady.”

            “But,” Carter protested, “I’d let you touch my b***s…”

            T’Haan rabbit punched him and he collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

            “What did you do that for? I almost had him.” Carter asked.

            “When is your birthday?” T’Haan asked, “I just decided to buy you some dignity. ‘I’ll let you touch my b***s.’ What is wrong with you, Carter?” She went through his pockets and found the key.

            “Stop being so mean. I was improvising.”

            “Is that what you call it? Grab his ankles so we can drag him in.” T’Haan unlocked the door, and they began their descent.

#

            “Holy petunias,” T’Haan swore (it means something completely different in Sophian), “What is that thing?”

            In the basement they found an enormous sphere of pseudo-liquid suspended in midair. Glowing, swirling, streaky multicolored pseudo-liquid, held in place by high voltage electro-probes.

            “I think that’s the wish machine,” Carter said.

            “It looks like a giant booger,” T’Haan observed.

            A pseudotentacle extruded toward them, and form itself into an approximation of a face.

            “I am not a machine, and I am not a booger. What you see is the merest fraction of my being, that protrudes into your limited three dimensional space.”

            As it spoke, the electro-probes discharged intermittently, sending lightning bolts through the massive volume of space snot.

            Despite the torment, the giant not-booger continued to speak.

            “I came to this planet on an errand of mercy. From N-space, my home dimension, I noticed the planets mantle becoming unstable. I knew the inhabitants of this word were doomed, unless I worked quickly. I stabilized the planet, but doing so nearly killed me. I lay broken and drained, too weak to move. Left alone I could have regained my strength and healed. But the residents of this planet had seen my power and desired it. So they built this prison for me. I have been their slave ever since.”

            “But…” Carter cried out, “That’s horrible! We must set you free!” She rushed to the control panel.

            “Wait, Carter,” T’Haan said, “We can’t do this, we don’t have the authority. This is interference with a planet’s culture, and we have rules about that.”

            “Rules, shmules, Haan. This is wrong. All thinking, feeling, sentient creatures deserve to be free, even the icky and gross ones.” She reached for the big-a*s lever labeled,

Do not pull this lever, because it will free the giant space booger.

            She pulled it. The restraining fields dropped, the electro-probes fell silent. The space booger formed itself into a roughly bipedal figure and stood before them.

            “Thank you, Carter. As your reward, I shall grant you a final wish, and allow you to escape before I wreak my vengeance upon this planet.”

            “Vengeance?” Carter gasped, “What kind of vengeance?”

            “The people of this planet imprisoned and tortured me. I shall repay them with interest. They will all die screaming. But you will be spared. Now name your reward, whether it be immortality, a planet of solid gold, a diamond the size of a star. Now that I am free, nothing is beyond my power.

            “I can have anything I want?” Carter asked.

            “Anything. But decide quickly. I must have my vengeance.”

            “I wish for forgiveness, then. Not for me, but for the people of this planet. I ask that you leave in peace, and let them live.”

            “I cannot do that. They have hurt me greatly.”

            “Yes, and hurting them must seem like justice. But I beg you, let your justice be tempered with mercy.”

            I cannot. Their crime is too great. They all must die.”

            “If that is the case, then kill me too. Kill me first. Look into my eyes, know my soul, and destroy me.”

            “Why do you ask this? What have these people ever done for you?”

            “Not a damned thing,” Carter answered.

            “They why are you trying to save them?”

            “I’m not,” Carter said, “I’m trying to save you. You came here on an errand of mercy. You have goodness in you. Don’t let the actions of cruel and greedy men destroy that goodness. Show them that you are stronger. Show them that they have not won. Show them that they could not break you.”

            Space Not-Booger stood, its not-body clenched in indecision. It threw back its not-head and howled its frustration. Then it became calm.

            “Very well, Carter. Your wish is granted. I shall spare this planet.” It folded itself into N-space, and was gone.

            T’Haan gazed at Carter in awe.

            “That was a beautiful thing you did,” she said, “I am so hot for you right now.”

            Carter frowned, “I can never tell when you’re kidding, and when you aren’t.”

            “I imagine that must be terribly confusing for you,” T’Haan turned toward the stairs, “Let’s get back to the party.”

            Upstairs, people were running and screaming.

            “What’s going on?” Carter asked a passer-by, one of the floozies. Curiously, she was naked.

            “Everything is falling apart!” the floozy cried out, “All over the world, buildings are falling, power outages, things are disappearing, even my dress!”

            “Huh,” T’Haan said, “That’s weird.”

            The floozy ran off.

            “Golly,” Carter said, “It seems that Space Not-Booger was doing a lot of things for these people.”

            “Yes,” T’Haan said, “We should get back to the ship before they figure out what happened, and lynch us.”

            “Good idea. Let’s go find the lieutenant.”

            “Carter! T’Haan!” Lieutenant caught up with them, “Where have you two been?”

            “We were in a broom closet, making out.” T’Haan said.

            “That figures. Well, need to get out of here. This place is going to hell. Wait. Did you two have anything to do with this?”

            “We don’t know what you’re talking about,” Carter said, “We were too busy having our sexy, steamy make out session. For all we know, this is all your fault.”

            “My fault?” he asked, in a panic, “This isn’t my fault!”

            “Well,” T’Haan said, “I believe you, Lieutenant, but who knows what the panicking locals will believe? We should hurry to the shuttle.”

            They ran the rest of the way.

#

            Captain paced the debriefing room.

            “How could this happen?” he asked, “When we arrived, this planet had an advanced civilization, and a thriving economy. With the space of an hour, it’s collapsed to the stone age.”

            “Is it really that surprising, Sir?” T’Haan offered, “After all, Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle tells us that to observe an event must inevitably alter its outcome.”

            “Sure, but that’s quantum mechanics. It can’t explain events on this large a scale.”

            “You’re right, of course, Sir. This must all just a cosmic coincidence.”

            “Yeah, I guess it must be. Still, it’s a hell of a tragedy. It just serves to underline the importance of the first principle.”

            “Yes,” T’Haan agreed, nodding sagely, “Noninterference is the best possible policy. Don’t you agree, Carter?”

            Carter looked up from her datapad in a panic.

            “Huh? What? I wasn’t playing Sudoku!” she exclaimed.  

           

 
 

 

 

 

#

 

End