Our Stan, our Doris & the bike ride

Monologue

 

Now our Stan he wuz givin a compass

Of which he was inordinately proud

He could tell at glance which direction wuz best

And he wuz not just going all round and round

 

He liked a good walk did our Stanley

And often wuz seen up in t’ills

On’t weekend you cud see fer miles and miles

with views t’make yer heart fill.

 

Now our Doris is wife wuz quite different

And didn’t quite share in Stans passion

She restricted herself to making is bit

With butties like to go out o’t fashion

 

So whilst e wuz out in all weathers

Our Doris she remained stay at home

She did all is mendin and cleanin and such

So folk didn’t gossip bowt their home

 

Trouble is Doris wuz bored

With spreadin and dustin ant like

So she thought for a change of t’scenery

She’d go fer a ride on Stan’s bike

 

She brought bike right out o’garage

An down t’roadside she went

Where some workers were workin an diggin some oles

Makin road good fer all as paid rent

 

Now she knew that Stan wuz up in is ill’s again

Although she did not know quite where

So she made up some butties and crisps and some pop

And adjusted bike seat wi some care

 

For now she had quite a problem

As her frock wuz obviously too tight

So she altered the length, pulled up oe’er er knees

Til the hem seemed just bout right

 

But she still couldn’t get on’t bike you see

Cos the cross bar it got in the way

And no matter she fiddled and fussed wi er frock

She liked to be there all day.

Much to the joy of the workmen

Who were avin much fun wi this show

Till she pulled them a face and stuck out er tongue

It were cheek but she knew they wud know

 

Then she ad inspiration

A knife to frocks seams she wud take

And then on’t bike she would be off

A’ followin straight in Stan’s wake

 

But this did not work as an action

It was fiddly and not very bright

For no sooner she’d cocked er leg up all lady like

She’d got a great tear in er tight

 

Removing said items whilst sittin on’t kerb

Caused such a fuss and palava

That it caused workmen t’laugh and neighbours curtains to twitch

When Doris she’d sooner they’d neither.

 

Now before eed gone out that mornin

Stan ad oiled is chain good an proper

Trouble is, it ad dripped and spread everywhere

An Doris ad come such a cropper

 

Cos she’d sat in the oil pool

As it lay and sun wuz an ot un

Now feelin quite wet Doris then checked

findin now she ad a slick bottom

 

Things were not going well for our Doris

In trying to go for her ride

She wuz all to give up and call it a day

Instead of takin all in er stride

 

Er clothes they were dirty and torn

Her legs they were slimy and wet

She must a thought it all over an finished

Until she saw the best yet

 

For walking up road came our Stanley

A’ whistlin and stridin is best

When all of a sudden e saw Doris

Sittin as if takin a rest

 

 

Now wot be you doin quoth Stanley

A’ sittin side o’t road like a tramp

You’ll be getting folk talkin and callin us names

As well as makin yer backside quite damp

 

Well Doris would ave non o’ this

And listin to port with a sigh

Picked up yon bike ant threw it at Stan

Who caught it mid air with a cry

 

Bike an Stan both fell over back int road

Just as steamroller went past

Tragedy then struck as roller went oe’er bike

And Stan in whose hands it were clasped

 

Oh no shouted workmen an Doris

An neighbours ran out in a shock

For the workmen had just laid their tarmac

An Doris ad sorted er frock

 

For Stan wuz flat as a pancake

An’t bike it wuz fairly destroyed

An the moral to this sad tale Is keep things as they are

Not to change them is to keep them enjoyed

 

Reviews

[Neville]

Och aye, this bonnie wee laddie luvs it like a fat kid luvs cake sir Ken .. actually, I have a thing about poetry being writ in local dialects .. a good thing mind ooh arrr ............ Neville :)

[Ken Simm.]

Lancashire do you min!! Thanks so much for liking this nonsense Neville.

[alanwgraham]

Ta for pointing me to this Ken. Hilarious nonsense. I cant help hearing George Formby performing there's a famous seaside town called Blackpool.
I think some of our friends in the cafe might be scratching their heads with the lingo.
Tough!
Cheers. Alan

[Ken Simm.]

Do you remember the Stanley holloway monologues? Its worth googling them if you don't. These were written because of a love of those. Thank you so much Alan. I'm not sure whether our friends maybe across the pond didn't appreciate these. Some said they did below.

[Stella Armour]

Poor Doris, just looking after her man... awww

Wonderful images all through here Ken, oil slick, randy workmen an all

[Ken Simm.]

Thanks so much Stella. I'm now off to make my tea. I'm baking a pie. Ham mushroom and leek.

[Stella Armour]

oooh... yummy. :))

[Gandré]

I enjoyed your story in a poem!
fantastic. a master storryteller you are dear Ken

bright, slick and pleasing.

[Greg the Bard]

The old English is one way of saying it but this is really funny. Last of the Summer Wine. I truly injoyed the work. It flows and has get image.

[W.k.kortas]

Witty and wonderful narrative, very mindful of James Whitcomb Riley for adults. Great control and use of language.

[Pamela]

Oh thank you for indulging my passion for the monologue yet again. This is wonderful. If you published a book of these I would buy it and read it over and over again.

Brilliant. Bring em all on!

[Donald Meikle]

Or as me mum used t'say Leave well enuff alone.
Excellent write mate.