Mi Mam & the Curate

Monologue

 

Mi Mother wuz lookin all languid

She’d just come home from down t’pit

She’d taken er knittin and a nice cup o’ tea

To an armchair where she’d have a good sit.

 

She wuz sittin we’t feet up all comfortable like

When a noise came a’ bangin at door

“Oh now, what is that?” she said in a pet

And oe’r t’cat tripped full length on the floor.

 

Now the language it wuz kind o’ mucky

You’d never heard such things in your life

There wuz uffin and cussin and flamin and wot.

And the air you could cut with a knife.

 

There wuz effin and jeffin and language

That wud crimson a publicans ear

Til she opened the door and standin just there

Was the curate who’d just come to see her

 

Over a matter to do wit Women’s section

Of which she took such a pride

And the problems of which, she solve in a flash

Or else generally took all in her stride.

 

But this time she couldn’t for sake of it

Standin there all wet and drippin

All covered in tea and cat and stuff

Keepin Curate standin and sniffin

 

And all she could do in situations like this

Cos’ she wuz all oe’ercome and coy

Was shut door straight in’t young curates face

As they shouldn’t ave sent such a boy

 

 

 

 

To see her dishevelled and mucky and such

Whatever would women’s section all say

With her and her pinny and curlers wit language they’d heard

Her temper ud cause an affray

 

 

Now curate e’ left in a dudgeon

Which was wrong for a man of the cloth

And e’ stopped just in’t road, beside our front gate

and quietly dust himself off

 

Mi Mam ad just sat down for tea once again

When a commotion it started outside

She went to window to see what wuz up

In time to see a man runnin up t’drive

 

“Whatever’s to do?” she said opening door

She could see that the man he wuz shocked

And observed the man he wuz handsome and nice

Whilst at the same time straightenin her frock

 

The man he blurt out all at once

It wuz difficult to ere what e’ said

“There's been a terrible accident” he mumbled

“And I think your poor animals dead”

 

“Wot animals this,” said mi mother

Thinkin of the cat still inside

“Yer big dog all black wi a white collar”

After some moments the man he replied

 

“There no dog wi a collar ere” mi Mam said

“black, white nor any other”

“You’d best look again my young man

And your description it needs to be fuller”

 

“Oh no!” said the man lookin paler and shocked

It’s only just now that I’ve seen it

“What’s done wot is done and I’ll go straight to hell

Cos I’ve only just run oe’er curate!”

 

With apologies to Marriott Edgar

 

 

Reviews

[emmajoy]

Apologies for this rather late review and how I wish I'd read this before because I've laughed all through it!

What a character you've displayed here, Mam in all her glory and un-glory! The wording is soooo fine, so much fun.

I could 'hear' it, 'hear' every word .. well - I was reading aloud .. you've used your skill to transcribe language into readable dialect for your readers.

Thank you Ken, for yet another great piece of writing, the twist at the end is fantastic!

[barleygirl]

This is a jolly fine ramble among the brambles of life! I love storytelling poems & yours takes this concept for a long leisurely walk, which I enjoyed very much. Your brogue is perfectly done to sound realistic but not overdone as to be distracting or slow to slog thru. As a rhymer myself, I'm in awe of your ability to sustain the lilting rhyme & rhythm, along with the stylistic writing, for such a long poem! Do you do this quickly, all in a dump, or do you craft it slowly over two or more sittings? Just curious how one tackles such a long poem with such consistency! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Ken Simm.]

THanks so much Margie. I'm afraid its all done at once in the old English style of the monologue. Google Stanley Holloways monologues and Marriot Edgar. Things like The Lion and Albert or the Battle of Hastings. This was an attempt to do something similar if not as well.

[barleygirl]

I admire you even more, that you did this all in one go!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

oh this is hilarious...and the use of the dialect adds to the fun.
reminds me of times i heard my mom cuss...or say "i'm so mad i could spit"
and it makes me smile...i used to think...wow, mom isn't very ladylike to talk like that.
well done, Ken...

i missed this first time around...glad it came back up.

j.

[Ken Simm.]

seems that people have refound this old one Jacob. Not that I am complaining. I'm really glad you like it me old mucker as we used to say.
My Mum used to say don't eat all those apples they don't grow on trees you know!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

no they don't...but money does....:)))

[Robert Trakofler]

ha I loved it... no curing for that curate! snort snicker and sneer. what a lovely warped voice you give ear Kindle Ken! something tells me Marriott doesn't mind at all:)

[Ken Simm.]

I'm glad you liked it Robert. So it is not just pecularily English, the monologue.

[Robert Trakofler]

No but I’m a bbc but specifically grantchester as of late

[Ken Simm.]

This is specifically a Lancashire dialect and how I used to speak in my early teens. Have you tried the other one Our Stan etc. Details on Alan's review? I know being presumptious.
Met Robson Green up here in Scotland some time ago. Was telling him how to catch Wild Haggis. He wouldn't believe me can you credit that. Called me daft. Ah then he is a Geordie of course. Go on you can ask if you want.

[Robert Trakofler]

You know it’s funny but I seem to come to it naturally I didn’t have a problem reading it at all the wild haggis about these parts is particularly ferocious by the way

[alanwgraham]

Wow Ken - where did this come from? Great little story and the dialect is spot on. Its quite unusual to get a comic rhyme like this on WC. Is there no end to your talents.
Cheers,
Alan

[Ken Simm.]

Just told Nev there is another here if you fancy it
https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Ken%20Simm/112817/
In the meantime thank you so much fer likin this bit o' nonsense tha nose. This is how I would speak until I was about 13.

[Neville]

Within seconds of first opening this page, although I knew of course the title, I had to scroll back to the top and check the author was indeed you Ken.. not that I was disappointed.. on the contrary.. I was delighted because although I am not a stranger to your wit and wicked sense of humour, I had only encountered this in the numerous tales and short stories I have previously enjoyed.. Whereas, your poems have tended to be more serious unless I am mistaken or have read the wrong ones thus far...

This particular poem as far as I am concerned then is a deviation from the norm.. if there is such a thing...

'Mi Mam & the Curate' is certainly a blinder and certainly had me smiling throughout.. the dialect emphasis was easy to follow and I imagine even for non Brits could be understood with relative ease... As far as I am concerned then, this demonstrates another strand or string to tha bow lad and shows us just how very versatile ya are too me sen....... Neville

[Ken Simm.]

Thanks so much Neville. This is part of a series og monolgues I onece did having always been fascinated with the work of Marriot Edgar, (The Lion and Albert etc) There is another on here called Our Stan our doris and the bike Ride if you are interested https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Ken%20Simm/112817/

[Neville]

I shall check them out quite soon..

[Stella Armour]

OMG ... this is just wonderful; it would make such a lovely short sketch spoken in dialect.

Ken, i was giggling straight away... only a northern lad could have written this :))

[Ken Simm.]

Aye appen as maybe. Ta very much.

[Stella Armour]

thas welcome lad :)

[Ken Simm.]

Thas anunnuver when tha feelin like. No pressure and eee tha't grand.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Ken%20Simm/112817/

[Stella Armour]

that's fer after mi tea ... :)

[Ken Simm.]

Reet enug. Nowt comes befoor tha bit and tha teaa. Aye thats grand.

[Stella Armour]

that wor reet nice .. mushrooms, cottige pie an beetroot :)...

[W.k.kortas]

Even as one who speaks the language as it spoken/mutilated on the west side of the pond, the humor in this one transcends any dialect. Has the monologue format down pat. An absolute hoot.

[Greg the Bard]

Don't translate a thing this story is great like it is and I say more power to Mom. I really like this is total unabashed humor. The prest shouldn't have been in the road in the first place. I hope the poor guy driving is OK. Great flow and image

[Damien Dsoul]

Awright Ken, Eye got t' sai dis work o' urs sure does more dan enough ta tickle me fancy, me ribs, and also me legs. Eat's ah good thang folks don't talk like dis anymoh, eff not, then we'd be taking trips back thru history to stop de creation of de English Language. Ya poem is such a funny, n' homely piece o' writing. Too bad me mother wouldn't want ta read it, even if she did invite de neighbouring curator over fa tea. But I love it!