Redemption in the Horizon

The story of my struggle within myself and the band that helped me heal.

I had a rough time growing up, when I began middle school I had no self-confidence whatsoever and dealing with the people who put me in that situation on a daily basis practically added insult to injury. I was diagnosed with depression, manic-depressive bipolar disorder, social anxiety and trouble controlling my anger. I felt so alone. Under the weight of the world something in me finally broke. By june of 2012 I wasn't even myself anymore. I stopped talking, I stayed in my room alone and avoided social situations. On the occasion that I was forced into a public situation I would simply put in my headphones and tune out the world.  Everyone thought I hated them and I didn't even realize it. It wasn't so much that I was mad at anyone else, I was simply angry with myself and the world I was living in. By the time I got to eighth grade my own reflection made me sick, then one fateful day I made the mistake of picking up a razor. I wasn't trying to kill myself, really. I wasnt. But either way it was still a really ignorant thing to do. Before long I became every therapists worst nightmare “the cutter”. I began to practically withdraw from life itself. I was in fact alive its just I was not living. I made myself public enemy number one and I refused to change my belief in that.

Then one day I was listening to Black Veil Brides on Pandora and a song came on....It spoke of the life I was living. The person who wrote it understood the pain, the anger and the confusion. It was called Hospital For Souls by Bring Me The Horizon. By the time his voice faded away and the song was over I was an emotional wreck and I was crying like an upset child. I bet it truly was a pathetic sight to see but even with that taken into consideration I still think of this as one of the better memories of my life so far, because through that band I would find the path to happiness once more. Over the course of about a month I learned everything there was to know about Oliver Sykes and his band Bring Me The Horizon.  All of the songs were like the one I heard to begin with, yet they were all unique in a different way. All beautiful for a completely different reason, each touched not only your heart but also your soul.  Especially the songs, Hospital For Souls, Deathbeds, It Never Ends, Can You Feel My Heart, and The Empire falls. They all tell a different  story of hopelessness finding hope. This music gave me hope, in the hopes to get better. It taught me that being weird was ok , and that I didn't have to be perfect.

As me emotional dependence on this band grew, so did the fear in my fathers eyes. I guess I didn't get the memo that listening to “screamo” wearing black quite frequently and becoming a recluse was a recipe for disaster. My parents never came right out and said it but their actions made it pretty clear that they thought I was broken and they felt it was somehow their fault. I tried to tell them that they needed to loosen up, this music was helping me get better. Not turn me into some type of monster. I tried to get them to listen to not only the aggressive sounding music but also the words spoken.  It was a failure. It was like they were born without the ability to hear music rather than just listen to it. They were some type of tone deaf, seemingly soulless robots. And with each failure grew more impatient and more angry. Practically reversing the progress I had made. Step by miserable step I began to slowly sink back in the life I had recently abandoned.

Finally, dangling off of the brink of destruction. Mere seconds from losing my grip and nose-diving for the cold, hard, unforgiving bottom. I seen something that changed everything. An ad that said, “Are you ready for Warped Tour 2013? The once a year event that nobody wants to miss. With bands like Black Veil Brides, Sleeping WIth Sirens, Memphis May Fire, The Used, Nevershoutnever, Hands Like Houses, Bring Me The Horizon and many many more. With V.I.P sessions from Sleeping with Sirens, Black Veil Brides, The Used, and Bring Me The Horizon. Meet your heroes, get your tickets now!” Below was a picture of Oliver Sykes and Andy Biersack (lead singer of Black Veil Brides). I would have gotten excited if it had just been a concert featuring only one of the bands on that list but Bring me the Horizon?!?! Coming to Charlotte?!?! I absolutely lost it, it was a dream come true. The concert was less than a month away, that meant I had less than 30 days to get the money, buy the tickets,  get a ride, and find someone to go with. I worked harder over the next few weeks than I had for anything in my entire life.

When the day finally arrived it was 6:30 AM Monday July 29, 2013 and I was up and ready for a concert that wasn't supposed to begin for three more hours.  I was going with my two best friends Sara and Dalton, my mother and my older cousin Joey. It was everyone's first time going to a concert except me and my mother because we had gone to a Black Veil Brides concert the January before. I thought I was ready for whatever Warped could throw at me, that sadly was not the case. Warped Tour was nothing like my first concert. It was life changing.There were hundreds upon thousands of people just like me coming together for a day as a family.

When we first got there a band called Go Radio was playing, Bring Me The Horizon was the second to play on the first of seven stages. During the Go Radio concert i fought my way to the middle of the crowd so I could be close to the front when Bring Me The Horizon came out. When they finally did me and my little group of people were in no way prepared for what would be brought to the table. When the band stepped out on stage the crowd went berserk and the thousands of people behind me began to push forward, trying to get closer to their heroes just as I was. The song Shadow Moses began to play and as everyone began to sing and the place filled up with the voices of the thousands of people who owed their life to the men standing before them just as I did, the crowd began to rock.

It began to sway, back and forth, back and forth. Faster and faster.... I immediately knew what was about to happen and I was afraid. I seen enough videos to know what this was.. the center of the crowd was a huge mistake. All I could say was, “oh no.” Before anyone had anytime to reply I heard it. A shout from a few rows up, “Open up this pit!” My stomach dropped, I wasn't big enough or strong enough to survive a pit like this crowd was creating. About 30 seconds into it all hope was abandoned when we were knocked to the ground and were struggling to get back up. Luckily a man in front of us noticed and was kind enough to help us to our feet. When we regained our ground my mother and Joey had, had enough of this and the first song wasn't even over. My mom grabbed me by the belt loops of my shorts and drug me out of the crowd against my every plea not to. Despite the danger of that moment I was living one of the greatest moments of my life because it was the first time in a long time I had truly lived.

“Why did you do that?!?! Let me go back in!! Please?!?” I begged my mother. All she managed to say was, “Its to dangerous” before we realized we had lost Dalton in the crowd. “Mom! Mom! I can crowd surf until I find him!” I shouted over the roaring crowd as Shadow Moses came to a glorious end. “Please mom....Please?” I begged some more. She took a moment to consider and finally she simply walked over to some large tattoo covered men who turned out to be surprisingly feminine. She asked if they could put me on top of the crowed, they agreed and she told me to meet her right back here when I was done, I said ok and the men proceeded to lift me above their heads and just as the song Go to hell for heaven's sake began to play they threw me about 3 ft away and 4 ft up. The thought of not being caught caused an adrenaline like no other.I was tossed into the air once more and I began to sing the words I had heard so many times. As I yelled the words along with everyone else it felt more like I was floating rather than being tossed around by complete strangers. When the ground spit me out, the security guards caught me and sat me down on the other side of the barricades. As I stood there in front of the stage it all became so much more real. The true reality finally set in. Until now, the men who spoke to me across oceans without even knowing my name had seemed like nothing more than a dream but now, when I could physically reach out and touch them there was no denying what was happening. A Security guard awoke me from my daze,

“Hey, you need to get back behind the barriers.”

I turned to go find my mother, and only now did I realize the condition I was in. Dripping sweat and shaking with excitement, my shirt had been torn exposing my back and shoulder and I had blood on me that wasn't mine.  I found my exhausted mother, no doubt trying to keep up with three teenagers in a place like this with little or no help from my cousin Joey was taking a toll on her nerves. She must’ve found Dalton because they were all standing there impatiently awaiting my return. I pointed out that we were practically grown people and could be responsible for ourselves so my mother could really enjoy herself. She agreed and went off somewhere to a Shy KidX concert. Everyone else dove right back in, we all crowd surfed and sand our hearts out. We even got in a circle pit around the V.I.P tower. I fell a few times but not even that slowed us down. The Bring me the Horizon concert lasted about an hour but it feel like minutes. I didn't want it to be over but there were other shows to see and I was pumped up.

I seen We Came As Romans, I had never heard them before that day but now they are one of my favorites. When that ended it was only like 2:45 PM and the next show I wanted to see (Sleeping With Sirens) did not begin until 4:00 PM. So with nothing more to do we wandered through the maze like set up of merchandise tents and stages until we came across a large blow up water slide. It was like an oasis in a dry desert. We slid down it a few times to cool ourselves and clean our sweat soaked clothes. We found a place to rest, it was a huge stage with the cartoon Domo in the background with a sign that said “Get Warped With Domo!! ‘13”. Hands Like Houses was playing so we sat down in the grassy field to listen, then I noticed the foam.  On both sides of the stage there was foam rolling across the ground like great mountains of bubbling snow. We watched hundreds of people as they bobbed in and out of it like buoys in the ocean.

Around 3:30 PM we began to make our way back to the first stage where we started. Along the way we came across the Alternative Press tent, and there sat none other than Bring Me The Horizon themselves. The security wouldnt let me get close enough to say hello without a ticket and they were sold out.  I sat down on the ground and buried my face in my knees while Sara and Dalton looked around at the band merch. It took everything I had no to cry... the day had been ruined. About five minutes passed when I heard Dalton shout,

“Hey! Look!” I followed his outstretched arm to find Oliver Sykes walking alone, by himself, with no security. I stood, frozen in shock only to be snapped into action by the sound of Daltons voice once more,

“Well? Go!” and go I did.

“Hey! Can I speak with you for a moment please?” I yelled as I tried to keep up

. He stopped, turning to me to say, “of course.”

“Thank you so much, ok... your like my hero. You dont even know me yet you’ve done so much....” I broke off as I stammered myself into tears. He reached over and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me a little tighter as he finally replied,

“Its ok, you don't need to thank me.” I tried to reply with “ I love you,” but no noise came forth and I simply mouthed the words that he did not see. It was like he knew exactly what i needed to hear as he pulled me away from him, looked me in the eye and said,

“Your strong, so stay that way. I love you.”  Those words tore what little sense of control I had left away and I began to cry even harder.  Before I could reply he hugged me once more and said he had to go, leaving me standing there only to reply,

“ I love you to.”

I stood there a moment trying to comprehend what had just happened. I ran as fast as I could to my mother trying to think of the right words to express the new information. I told everyone what had happened and finally got a grip on things and pulled myself together just as I heard the introduction to the song If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn began signalling the beginning of the Sleeping With Sirens concert. Once we found our way to where we needed to be I encountered one of the largest crowds I had ever seen. Each person screaming with delight as Kellin Quinn (lead singer of Sleeping With Sirens) invited Matty Mullins (lead singer of Memphis May Fire) over to perform their new song Congratulations.

I did the only thing I could think of to get to the front of the crowd and got some guys to toss me on top of the crowd with Sara and Dalton trailing behind me. By the time I reached the barriers not only had I lost track of my friends but also my shoes.  At the moment I was too happy to care but by the time the concert had ended the reality sunk in. Not only had my favorite pair of shoes been stolen, they had been stolen at Warped Tour, a place with gravel ground and thousands of people to step on my unprotected, unexpecting feet. I waited until everyone dispersed, onto the next show and looked around. Luckily I found my Vans on the inside of the barricades but my friends were still nowhere to be found.

So it was only 6:00 PM and I had two more hours to the final show I wanted to see, the Black Veil Brides show. I wandered around trying to kill time seeing bits and pieces of concerts like, nevershoutnever, Memphis May Fire, The used and Like moths to Flames. When the time finally came I found everyone I had arrived with at the front of the crowd for the Black Veil Brides concert. I squeezed my way in and watched as the show began. As they opened with a song called Saviour that told each and every person that someone in fact would be there for them, it seemed like everyone in the whole place came together to sing along.

As the voices of all those who stood some type of common ground filled up the place a tear rolled down my cheek as I listened intently to the beautiful music. Thats the moment it all really clicked... I wasnt alone, and it shouldn't have taken practically a stadium full of people to make me realize that.  I thought of Oliver, and all the other people who knew not of my existence but was still a huge part of it. I thought of that day.. and I thought of all the hell I wrongfully put my family through for my own selfish reasons. Once again I began to cry and it made me even happier. As Warped ended with a bang as the band performed In The End leaving everyone with a sense of peace.

That night on the way home I began to reflect what had happened that day. I made a promise to myself to keep Oliver's advice and stay strong. Not only for me but for my family. I promised I would get better, and thats what Ive done. I cant wait until next year and the year after that. Not only is it Warped Tour it is also the anniversary of the day I began my new life. It was the first day on my road to redemption.