Weight of the World

This is a Turning point essay i submitted as a school assignment -there was a cap on how long it could be (1000 words) it doesnt go into a great amount of depth -meant to be honest not entertainment

Weight of the World

Have you ever experienced that moment in time when you know you are not strong enough? The weight of the entire world all comes crashing down at once; you are weak, and your shaky knees buckle beneath you allowing you to fall under this immense weight. I have experienced this moment. This is the only way I can accurately put into words the feelings I had when I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes. I often play the moments back and forth in my head to see if there was any place I went wrong, making sure there was nothing I could have done to change it. No matter how many times I went over it, there was not. This was not my fault. It just happened to be a patch of misfortune that I was unlucky enough to stumble upon. I played the scene over and over in my head remembering all the details of that night until they were etched into my memory.

In a way, fear is a prison. It captures you and consumes you until you are not recognizably you anymore. You become the fear. You are imprisoned by it. The fear of what others thought of me drove me crazy. I for one, hated the possibility of being seen as weak, insignificant, or broken. Another fear, one much stronger than what others thought of me, smoldered beneath the thin layer of my subconscious. What does this mean for my future? Diabetes was a difficult concept to understand. I saw it only as suffering. It put restrictions on my life, and made simple tasks strenuous. My life from now on would be calculated and scheduled. My future was bleak and convoluted; I had no interest in living this life. 

For a while, I went into a state of depression. Pent up feelings of anger and hatred towards myself and my body were comparable to a balloon, so full of air, about to burst. I waged war on myself, a war that I would inevitably lose. My struggles were not obvious to others. Instead of telling someone, I became introverted and withdrawn. It is difficult to explain something to someone who cannot experience what you do. The low blood sugars, the high blood sugars as well as the feeling of complete dissatisfaction with yourself are all very overwhelming. To this day I have not told anyone about this part of my life. It was dark, like an eclipse stealing the sun’s shine; the darkness stole my happiness. This ongoing battle with myself progressed. I became distant and malicious, lashing out at people for no apparent reason. It is a lot to deal with when you are unsure about what is happening. Suicide crossed my mind, but I was too much of a coward. Instead, I began to do things to control my body. I often starved myself, "forgot" to take my medication and at one point, I even turned to bulimia. I faded further into the blackness, and the weight of the world still had not lightened up. 

I am unsure of what triggered the sudden change I had towards myself in the following weeks, but things started to change. Every so often I woke up in a sunshiny state of mind. The world just seemed a little brighter. I felt impelled to make drastic adjustments to my life. Maybe I was just tired of feeling sorry for myself. When I truly looked at myself, I did not just see the reflection I saw every day. Mirrored back at me was someone much different than the careless, miserable adolescent who was displayed in the previous months. A realization struck me; I have a great life, and I am humbled by the quality of life I am still able to live. Previously, I saw myself as broken and belittled by diabetes and now I woke up genuinely happy to be alive. I was motivated and I did not want to feel so angry all the time. I hated my illness but I was no longer going to be a victim. I wanted control. You have to do everything you can to stay positive. 

When faced with adversity you have three choices. You can let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you. Although I would never wish diabetes upon anyone, it is difficult to say whether or not I would give it up if I had the chance. It is a huge inconvenience and hardship on my life but it is also an undeniable and unchangeable part of who I am. For me, it serves as a blessing in disguise. Diabetes has presented me with insight on life as well as some of the greatest opportunities I will ever come to know. I work harder for what I want, and am more perseverant in my actions. The lifestyle I live now is healthier as I follow nutrition guides more carefully. If anything, it has helped me to enhance my athletic abilities and allowed me to perform at a higher level. The rough patch I went through helped me to unveil satisfaction in staying healthy and regulating my body. Ultimately, my diagnosis has taught me not to throw my life away. 

Diabetes has given me unbelievable power over my life! I am still determined to be cheerful and to be happy in whatever situation I am in. I have also learned from experience that the greatest part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not upon our circumstances. Over the short span of two years I have embraced life more for what it is, rather than dwell on what it is not. Even though diabetes is a negative thing, it has given me a more positive outlook on life and all it has to offer. I have come to realize that to be strong, you must know how weak you can be. From that day on, I have been building my life back up from the ground: from my moment of weakness to what will be my moments of greatest strength.

Author's Note

I'm open to any and all criticism . I am not a professional writer so i won't take it personally.

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Kelsey

For one so full of words in his reviews, my first reactions: Shock and speechless with admiration!

You say you are 17.

Well I can tell you now there is a beauty and wisdom in this piece which would put to shame most so-called mature adults, who have had much longer to hone their talents.

When I read pieces (and there are so few like yours) which are so honest, upfront. intimate and moving, I could seriously write a book about them longer than the piece itself.

My 'pen' can move as quickly if not more quickly than my head.

What I would normally say last I will say first:

This is an absolutely amazing piece of writing and all credit is down to you both as a human being and a writer.

Let me try a few details on you:

Style: Flowing. Lulling. Mellifluous. I have tried to find fault and I can find none.

Use of first person: There are those who dislike it. But I love it. It allows complete and intimate access to the soul of the writer. And you give wide open access. In that way, it becomes a very personal relationship between the writer and reader.

I KNOW this is part of your real life you are describing. What a huge challenge to overcome! Most writers to my knowledge start with 'I' first person writing. It is an excellent base for us all and so for you too.

Diabetes and so to content: As I often say, the writer may think they have an audience but the reality is they only have a conversation with one person / reader at a time and all will have their own take on it based on their own experience.

I personally have intimate knowledge of Type 1 Diabetes.

My first wife had it. We were together when she was diagnosed. I rode the storm with her. I helped her when hypo or hyperglycaemic.

I would inject her with insulin every day.

On one occasion I woke up in the middle of the night to find her in bed beside me, eyes wide open, drenched in sweat, stiff and completely unconscious.

In panic I rang for an ambulance. They came and then a doctor came, gave her a glucose injection. In ten minutes she came round.

I got angry then as no-one had equipped me to deal with this set of circumstances. But thereafter I was and it was not the last occurrence.

Mood: You switch well through the shock of recognition, into depression and into the most positive of endings. Congratulations on the endless switches.

Wisdom: For someone who is only 17, you have accessed what I consider to be one of the greatest and profound lessons we can all learn in life. And I believe it is as you say suffering which gifts that to us. Your own words:

'When faced with adversity you have three choices. You can let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you'.

You will see if you ever get round to reading my serious pieces of writing, rather than those to amuse, I have lived a life of pain, suffering from bipolar disorder and I have reached the same conclusion as you though it took me decades to learn the lesson you have learnt so young.

I would like you to read Split my novel. There are parts you may read, but I fear because of your age and its content, much of is locked for those aged under 18.

Perhaps next birthday if not published by then.

Read my profile instead. You may already have.

Diabetes is a condition, where the pancreas simply stops functioning.

Bipolar disorder is a chemical brain disorder.

Same thing. Just illness.

But depression resides as a result of disease to the point where, as I once did, you ask your self did I do anything wrong to deserve this?

Answer: NO YOU DIDN'T!!!

It's called the hazards of life and living.

Kelsey.

Straight OK?

I only ever hit the world head on!

You have the makings of the most fantastic writer and you have so much time to develop your talent.

Write more stories like this and put them on here. I promise to read and review every one should time permit.

Just mail me when you have put another up.

Put pieces of your life experience together and maybe in years to come make them into a novel.

Lastly experiment with every style and type of writing you can. Just scribble every day. Anything! Rubbish. Thoughts. Shopping lists with style. Just KEEP writing.

I have a funny feeling this may end up being one of the longest reviews I have ever written. But if so, it is because your writing is so strong, powerful, well constructed, thought provoking and moving.

I wish I had been as smart as you at 17. I am now 53. But I see a wisdom in you way beyond your years.

One thing I ask of you.

Use your wisdom to make this world a better place.

And so this is the fourth I would add to your three conclusions. Having ditched letting the disease define or destroy you in favour of wisdom, my added view is give back to the world your wisdom and do not keep it to yourself. But then that is precisely what you have just done here.

Thing is from reading this myself, you already have taught me and I am almost certain this will teach others and you will continue to do so in the future.

With my applause Kelsey and my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

PS they don't give a 1 million % rating here so sadly I have had to confine myself to the rather banal 100%

[Kelsey O'Connell]

WOW, first off, thank you for the great length and detail of your response!
I am honored you took the time out of your day not only to read but to review my work. I am also very pleased you were able to enjoy and connect with this piece.

As for my age, I've always thought i was more of an old soul. I never really fit in with people my own age. ahah

I will most definitely keep in touch
thank you for your kind words!
warmest regards,
kelsey

[James Hanna-Magill]

Kelsey?

The pleasure is all mine, I assure you!

James

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

I can relate to this some what, i may not have diabetes but I do have a disability. I have had similar feelings and sometimes i still do because it can be so overwhelming. In reality our struggles not only strengthens us but it also helps people see that everyone has difficulties and if they see someone with a "bigger" problem than them and see that person over come it, it will give them hope that they to can over come their problem also. I also personally think that one can not be totally strong or over come things without God in their lives, but that's just my experience, I would probably be still in the darkness if it wasn't for me trying to turn to God.

Good Job

[Kelsey O'Connell]

Thanks for reading! i'm glad other people can connect with what i think and write.
Thanks also for sharing your personal experience :)

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

You're welcome...It is hard to share with people what we personally go through or have been through but that just shows people that they are not alone when it comes to certain things (depending on everyones story)

[Kelsey O'Connell]

Yeah i agree. It was very hard for me to open up like this to my teacher for the assignment, let alone the whole world on this website.

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Yeah i would imagine..but the people that would mean the most will be the ones that support you and accept you the way that you are.

[Kelsey O'Connell]

and they are the people who have yet to read my essay!

ahah im very self conscious as well as a little nervous as to what they would think. No one of great importance has read this other than a couple of friends during the editing stages.

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Ahh i see, well yes it is a hard thing to show the ones closest to yeah. I am kinda the same way xD but i do believe once you share and they understand your struggle it would feel like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders...but getting there is another struggle in itself lol

[Julia Mancini]

This is beautiful. It really is amazing.

[Kelsey O'Connell]

Thank you so much!
i wish i could have gone into depth a little more but there was a word limit!

[Derek Nall]

Enjoyed reading this...how positive was bloomed from negative. That's awesome!

[Kelsey O'Connell]

Thanks :)

[Joan*Eckhart]

This was very well written. You come across as very mature for your age, also very wise. Everyone faces obstacles in life and this piece of writing was very relatable. Well done

[Kelsey O'Connell]

Thank you! your comment is much appreciated