New Awakening

It’s dark and cold but, I’m too afraid to stop. No one accepts me and I feel out of place where ever I go. I feel something slide down my cheek and as I look up I’m blinded by the immense downpour.

“S**t”, I sigh “guess I have nowhere to go but, back to that hell hole”.

                As I start making my way home all I can do is think about what I’m going to get yelled at for this time. While I’m walking along I can feel my clothes sticking to me more and more. But as I’m walking my cheeks feel a little odd they feel a little warm and they are wetter than any other part of my body. I start to wonder, is it actually the rain that is doing this. I pass by a store and look into the open window to see my unclear reflection and I notice that it isn’t just the rain but, it’s my eyes. I pull my hoodie over my head, look at the ground and become oblivious to everything on my unpleasant journey home.

“I’m home” I quietly say, hoping no one will notice me as I walk in the front door. I just keep thinking to myself how I keep coming back to a place that makes me feel so numb. I hear heavy footsteps and start to prepare myself.

“Where the hell have you been!? What do you think you’re doing staying out this late?? What the hell has gotten into you?” My mom shouted. My mind wonders and focuses on the slight accent she has.

“Walking around, not like you care or anything. Don’t pretend and just leave me alone” I quietly and nonchalantly said while heading towards my room.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore..” said my mom with a great amount of disappointment.

I stopped right where I was, lifted my head and looked back. “Neither do I”

I shuffled my way to my room locked the door and let my bed catch me. As I start to go into my own little mind I could still hear the faint crashes and threats against my door. I go into my normal state of numbness and only wish that I could feel myself disappear. As every second passes the loud disturbance from outside seems to get further and further away.

                I start to examine my pain aching day. No one notices me or my fake smile I put on to shield myself. And although I would rather stay to myself I do wish there was just one person who could see through it all.  I just wish someone would understand instead of judge me. Someone who can make me feel like I’m actually wanted in my miserable existence. But what should I care I’ll never find that someone…

                Spread out on my bed, my mind drifts to random flashbacks.

“Hey Zaine!”

“Hi Amber”

“What’s wrong” she said jumping in front of me.

“Nothing silly” I smiled.

“Awww Zaine! Your smile is always so handsome” She giggled

“Thanks I guess.. Ahh sorry I’m in a rush” I said walking passed her, heading for the school gate.

                Everyday people see me as such a popular person or someone they perceive as one of their “friends”.  But to me they are just people. I don’t consider them anything more than just that.

                I’m what they call two sided. I don’t have a certain personality, I change to please people and stay away from drama but, all I want to do is cry. I feel so lonely, is it too much to ask for someone to understand me and see behind everything for the real me. I want someone to understand me and just hold me out of impulse without me saying a word. Everyone says they know me and all I ever do is look down at my wrist, shake my head and keep living. I wish for death but, I’m scared of it and too afraid to do anything. Every day I sit through my classes, play along with happiness, even though we are enemies and at the end of the day I go home and let the emptiness engulf me. All I can do is plead and dream of the life I wish I had.

                Everyone simply says “If you don’t like yourself change it”, but its not that simple. I wish it was but, it just isn’t they don’t understand the feelings.

                The next day, on the way home I found myself spacing out and once again I get caught by the rain but, for some reason it was weird. Even though it was raining I could faintly see the moon hiding behind the clouds. It is the most intriguing thing to me. Not only do I feel like it just takes me away but, I feel as though it is my one and only best friend.

                I start to feel a distant disturbance and as I come back to earth I notice the vibrations coming from my pocket.

“Ugh can’t I just be left alone” I sigh

I make my way home, put up with another night of bickering. I used to fight back but, I just gave up because it’s useless. I hide in my room again and find myself attacking and lashing out on my wrist. I stand there, rivers flowing from both my eyes and wrists, and notice the faint glow piercing through my curtains. As I open them it’s like I’m unveiling the moon. The rain finally silenced itself and the clouds were gone apart from a few framing the moon. As I sat on my bed I realized that I’m not completely alone. The moon is the only person who can’t judge me and its always there to watch me through both my decent and bad times. It’s the only thing that knows who I really am….my true identity.