Judgement Day

“-really should have followed through because it would have been a great opportunity for her” He said and looked at his daughter in the passenger seat. I stayed silent in the back, waiting for the opportune moment to speak my opinion. Catherine, the daughter and my friend from camp, smiled lightly and agreed, “Exactly. If she kept going to camp she would have had great leadership skills to get into college in Florida. Unfortunately, she got stuck at-“ “Don’t say it. You know I hate it there and the fact that your sister somehow decided to choose to go there” Catherine’s dad began to get red in the face from frustration of his other daughter getting the same education at an in school state that was not in his favor. I sighed impatiently in the back and opened my mouth to rebuttal, “Well what if that’s the college your daughter wanted to go to, Mr. Jackson? If it’s where she wants to go she should be allowed to go, right?” Both Catherine and her dad let out a bellowing laugh and talked frantically of their obsession for Florida State University. I tried to keep calm and change the direction of the conversation to why Catherine’s sister stopped going to camp in the first place: “Carmella stopped going to camp because she didn’t feel the same way about religion as she used to. Right?”

The light mood of the conversation dropped an octave and it felt slightly vibrato in the car as I waited for the explosion I was sure was to come. But it didn’t. Mr. Jackson laughed tensely and forced, “That’s just a slight dip on her part. She’ll come back around and learn her right place in her religion. She’ll understand that she can’t be a part of this family if she does not accept God and Jesus Christ in her life. She knows that and eventually she will understand what that means.” I smirked, knowing she wouldn’t come back around. She might consider it but then she’ll remember how anarchist her family is about religion and she won’t come back. I followed Mr. Jackson’s cue of light tone and told him, “Will it be a problem if she doesn’t invite God back into her life?”

“Have you not invited God back into your life, Kelley?”

“Will you judge me if I tell you no?”

“Of course.”

“Then, by all means, Mr. Jackson, God lives through me and with everything I do, I do in the voice and character of Jesus Christ.”

Reviews

[Looouise]

I like how this starts mid-sentence, so the readers are aware they've missed a lot but that's okay because this is what needs to be shared. I also like how you keep the readers in the dark as to what's going on, just for a little while. And then I like how you begin to talk about University and how that could be the reason for the conversation in the beginning, but then you get to the crux at it towards the very end with the mention of religion. While I think religion is the most over-used and clichéd plot device in the world (i.e. people disowning their family because of religion), I like the way it's used at the end of the short piece here. I like that you give no indication as to 'Mr. Jackson's' response or how he reacts, I think that's good. I also like that it ends right after Kelley (which might be you?) speaks.

One thing, you should probably separate dialogue in the first two huge paragraphs like you've done at the end. When someone new is talking, new line...not in the same paragraph (at least, not for this story anyways).

[Kaylor Mason]

This is so, so true to life it's truly not funny! I know "evangelistic" people like this--I even grew up with a few; I wouldn't wish that on anyone--ever. God, how many people have men like these turned away from God's love? How many kids never know God's peace because of the examples like Mr. Jackson? I mean, the numbers must be STAGGERING. Even the Lord must look at that and think "WHAT THE H---!!?"
It's no wonder this world is seems so cold and evil. With men like Mr. Jackson representing God in all his mercy . . . well, who needs a Devil?

[Marie]

This started out in one direction and ended up going in another, and that's why I didn't understand it very well. Was Keyyey telling the truth in the last sentence, or was she lying to excape being judged? And why would she care enough to lie? But all in all, a pretty good piece of writing.