Hearing Voices Means You're Crazy.

  "You are a murderer. I am glad you finally admitted. You're an idiot. A failure. Why do you get to live while I'm stuck in some grave because of your fault? You should have been killed, in my revenge. You should feel the pain that I feel." That is the most that she has ever said at one time, even though every word she says carves into me like a blade. Like my blade. Her words cut up the inside of my mind so I feel like its my responsibility to cut up my arms so that I am emotionally and physically writhing in pain. Ask me why I feel that way and I won't be able to give you a reasonable reply. That is me. And the voice in my head likes it. When I cry out in pain from the cut, I can hear her smirk. See the smirk form on her face in my mind. I have seen that evil smile so many times. She was a nightmare, my victim. Horrible. Cruel. Purely corrupt. And even now, when she is dead, she remains. Sometimes I like to think that there really is a spirit stuck in my mind. That maybe, possibly, a curse has been laid upon me. But even I know that can't be true. The memories are with me. And with those memories come her and her memories and her pain. It feels like someone stuck another person inside of me, squeezing and pushing until she fit, not caring if there was room: they were going to make room. Whomever "they" were. I just wish they could have warned me. Could have warned me what was going to occur that night. That way, I could have at least tried something, anything, to prevent it. 

"Jane?" A voice says, and this time, it isn't in my head. I look up to see Papa standing in my doorway. His eyes are filled with worry, as if he thinks I am planning something catastrophic. Does he know it was an accident? Does he blame me? Well, of course he does. I do too. Everyone does because I am to blame. "Are you..I. I mean..homework? Any? Did you finish?" He speaks while his eyes are glued to the floor. His sentences are barely coherent, but I know it is hard to admit that your daughter is a murderer. "Yes, Papa. I'm done. I already had dinner also, so don't worry about me coming down to eat or anything." He doesn't say anything, and instead nods slightly and backs out of my room, hands shaking, searching behind him for the doorknob. It gives me the chills to see him so afraid of and worried about me. If there were any way for me to just tell him that everything would be alright, I would. But that would involve lying. And ever since that night, that nightmarish night, I have promised myself never to lie again. And that is really what started it all isn't it? One little lie. One single lie. Just to sneak out. Just to visit his house. And when I got there I saw her. With him. And anger boiled inside me. Got the best of me. And I made the biggest mistake of my life. But of course, it isn't like I purposely killed her. I wanted to, sure. Doesn't everyone have this flash thoughts of, "Ohh I'm going to kill her." Normally, you aren't serious. I don't think I was. I'm not sure. A lot of moments from that night are a little blurry. But I am pretty sure I had that thought. I was mad at her. And him. A slight snicker from her in the back of my mind. Anger rises in me. "Now now, calm down, Jane. You know all I do is speak the truth. And there is no reason for being angry over plain honesty. Certainly, there are reasons to be mad. I mean sure...you were angry about what you had seen. Sure...your boyfriend cheated on you. With me, of all people. But did you have to go and kill me? Oh of course you didn't mean to. No one ever means to do any major mistake. But that isn't the point. The point is is that it happened and now you can't take it back." I am not sure if those are my words or hers. I guess technically they are mine since she is a figment of my imagination. Or is she? There are such things as having two personalities where each personality knows nothing about the other one. But I know she is there. I know she is.  Because I am stuck with my memories of her. And I don't know if I will ever be able to completely remove them from my mind. From now on, She is me, and I am Her. But then why do I feel as if we are entirely different? "Because we are. You killed. I died. To me, that is clearly different." I hate Her. 

 

Reviews

[Silvario]

wow. the story begins to unfold and proves interesting to say the least thus far. again a very well written piece. im especially impressed with the way you handle the voice and and how you have the main character handle the voice as well. im also impressed with your description of the fathers behavior, very lfe like. cant wait to read more.

well done once again :)

[Denni]

amazing! i love it!