Title in Progress

“Alright, we got four kegs, fifteen pledges, five handles of that weird Killer Vodka that Bronx likes, a pack of 800 straws for the ladies, hella tequila -- also, I saw some piñatas so I grabbed some of those. -- ok and then six bagged wine thingies, you know the ones the girls like, and …  oh yeah, some janked up playlist that will, of course, include Ignition, the remixed one, not that other gay a*s s**t.”

I crumple up my list and look over at Ryan, who we now call Rhino. He grabs my shoulder and pounds his other fist in the air, yelling, “Dude! Tonight is gonna be sick. You’ll finally be my brother.”

“Hell yeah. Where’s Bronx at?”

“He’s getting the stuff for tonight. More brews for us, though.” Rhino grabs two Miller Lites and we proceed to the porch of the Alpha Rho Fraternity house. Soon we’ll start making the jungle juice: our own concoction of vodka, tequila, pineapple rum, and Dr. Pepper with a little splash of something extra.

*

It’s the last party of the semester and everyone’s ready to drink. Gritty rap music tears through the speakers, pounding so hard the crowd seems to be vibrating. I’m in the middle of a game of beer pong when Bronx comes up, laughing and spilling his drink.

                   “Your puppy is here,” he says and then stumbles off. Before I can ask, I see Rachel approach.

                   “Hi Drew,” she says, grinning. I don’t want to talk to her, but I can’t tell her to leave me alone. We don’t do that here at Alpha Rho.

                   “Uh, hey, Rachel.”

                   “I knew you’d be here.” The way she says “knew” sounds like she’s sucking the word through a straw.

She trails her fingers up my arm and leans in, “I just knew it.” She laughs so softly it sounds like hissing. I shift away from her outreached fingers and mumble, “I need to, uh, go check on something.” I leave before she can say anything else.

I bump into Rhino at the drink table and tell him about Rachel.

“Dude, she’s like really hot. Just go for it.”

“Uh, I don’t know man. She’s kinda clingy.”

“Ohh, I know,” Rhino says and elbows me in the arm. “You just don’t like the loose ones.”

Before I can reply, Bronx walks up. “I found your girl, Pledge.”

“My… uh, girl?” I ask. I don’t have a girlfriend or, really, anything.

“Yeah, dumbass. Your girl. This is your initiation night, remember?” He points at Rachel.

I start to shake my head, but Rhino elbows me in the arm. He knows Bronx intimidates the s**t out of me, his being a fifth year senior and me, well, being a first year pledge. Rhino is only a sophomore himself, but he’s dealt with Bronx for longer and knows him better. Rhino leans towards me and mutters quickly, “Just be chill, man. This is what determines if you pass or not. So, just be cool.”

Bronx hands me a drink. “Here, hold this. It’s for Maddie.”

“Maddie? Maddie Andrews? I didn’t think she drank,” I say. I hold the cup while Bronx pops open a pack of white pills and quickly drops one in. I now understand the purpose of initiation night.

“Nah, not usually, but I’m helping her relax.” Bronx takes the drink back from me.

“Go get em, Tiger,” I say, but it sounds hollow. He nods his thanks and begins weaving into the crowd when he stops and looks back at me. He tosses the pack of pills at me.

“You have two hours. Don’t be a p***y.” Then he’s gone.

The room grows smaller as more people arrive. There are plenty of girls, like we intended; we said only girls and brothers were allowed at the party. Most of the girls are in their own groups, all wearing heels and tight jeans. Some have red lipstick on. Some are quietly sipping their drinks.

I don’t need help to get one in bed. I look down at the pills and put them in my pocket. My heart races a little bit, but I push through the crowd to get to the bathroom. I can’t believe Bronx picked Rachel of all people. We hooked up at the beginning of the year, but she complained all the time about how we weren’t official and wanted to do everything together, so I cut that off quick. Unfortunately, we had Biology together the entire semester and she was in my group. I couldn’t avoid her and she always went from either ignoring me, constantly insulting me, or hanging all over me. I’m always trying to find an excuse to not hang out with her, but she always shows up to our parties anyway.             When I get to the bathroom, I walk in on two girls squatting in the bathtub. One girl looks passed out on the toilet.

“Oh God!” I cover my eyes. The girls giggle and one stumbles over.

“We couldn’t wait!” One of them says, pee shooting out from the bottom of her skirt. I close the door and lean against it. I already feel drunk and the night has only begun. Maybe it’s time to have a real drink, though. Or three. I turn to make me way back to the kitchen when Rachel appears out of nowhere.

“Are you going to get me a drink, Drew?” As she says this, she leans on me and her already full cup splashes a little on my white polo.

“Um. I guess.”

Rachel slides her hand around the back of my head. Her iced fingertips dig into my skin as she pulls my neck towards her mouth. When her stone lips cut into my skin, the rest of her drink pours down the front of my shirt.

“Rachel!” I push her away. “God d****t.” Now I have to change shirts. I can’t let Bronx see me with a bright red stain, especially on my pledge shirt. I run upstairs to Rhino’s room, hoping he won’t mind if I borrow one. Rachel doesn’t follow me, thank God. As I rifle through his dresser, I stop. Underneath his shorts are at least two dozen tiny plastic bags full of the same pills Bronx gave me.

“What the …” I lift one out of the drawer.

“Drew! What the f**k are you doing?” Rhino stands in the doorway, staring at me. I drop the baggie back into the drawer.

“I was looking for a shirt. Uh. Rachel spilled her drink all over me.”

Rhino walks over and forcefully shoves the top drawer closed. He hands me a button down from the bottom drawer and looks at me. “You’ll learn about it after initiation. Just get through this night. I told these guys you were cool. Don’t make me look bad.” He starts to leave.  

“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.” I say, looking back at the drawer.

Rhino turns to face me and gives me an aggravated shrug. “Yeah, dude. You do. Don’t be a lardass.” He smirks at our old insult for each other back in high school. I smile back, but he’s already gone.

When I go back downstairs, our house has transformed into a jungle. The bass from the music shakes the floorboards and the walls, where people are making out or passed out. I step over one girl who is lying across bottom of the staircase.

I need to get a drink and give it to Rachel.

I need to get a drink and put the pill in it and give it to Rachel.

I need to get a drink.

I see Rachel. She already has two cups and hands one to me.

“Cheers! To a great night.” She winks.

“Uhh yeah, a great night.” I clink my plastic cup with hers and neither of us says anything. I don’t know how to get the pill into her drink.

“Wanna take a shot?” She’s suddenly so close to my ear I can hear the spit from her words.

“Yeah, I’ll get them.” I walk over to the drink stand and start mixing a shot. I reach down in my pocket quickly for the pills. I stop. I rush towards the other pocket, the side, the two back pockets, and absentmindedly pat my chest with both hands, looking around the table. F**k! I can’t freak out. I have to act calm. I grab the two shots and walk back over to Rachel.

I look over to a group of girls taking shots off each other’s chests. I imagine myself taking a shot off the next girl’s chest whose drink is pouring down between her chest. It’s dark and leaves streaks down her shirt. Rachel hands me a shot and I take it while watching one girl lean over the stained-shirt girl. They’re all giggling and saying, “Oh my god!” while also screaming, “Yes! Do it!” Rachel hands me another shot and I down it while keeping my eyes on them. The girl leans over her friend and her shirt hangs loose so that I can see her tits falling out. Rachel stands in front of me, blocking my view. I take the shot she hands me and then look around her. The girl opens her lips wide and puts the whole shot in her mouth, practically motorboating her friend. She shoots back the jungle juice and then licks the rest off her friend’s chest. They both laugh and knock into each other. I want to lick the juice off both of them.

“Drew, hello? Can you hold this?” Rachel is holding another shot. I take it from her as she starts to put something in her purse.

“Whatcha got there?” I ask.

“Altoids. Want one? They’re really minty so they kind of burn.”

“Sure.” Ew. This tastes like minty gasoline. I chew it quickly and then take my shot. Rachel smiles, twirling her drink with a straw.

“Good,” she says.

Someone turns up the music, if that were even possible, and we all cram ourselves into the front room to dance. Rhino runs into me and then we start wrestling as everyone cheers us on. Someone pours their jungle juice on us and I push it back slowly into my hair, winking at a few girls as I do. Everyone whistles and stomps harder on the floor. I catch Rachel staring. She looks angry. I ignore her.

Bronx brings out the piñatas I bought and people start beating the s**t out of them to get to the mini shots and candy inside. Some dude puts the piñata on like a skirt and gets people to spin him around by his arms. A few guys raise a girl for a keg stand and her dress falls over her face.

Rhino pushes through to the middle of the dance circle and screams, “CHUG FEST!” to which all the brothers start pushing each other to squat down and raise their drinks.

Rhino starts us out: “AL-PHA RHO!” He drags out each syllable for emphasis. We all stomp on the ground and growl as we slowly rise up. We get louder the higher we rise until we are standing back up and we all do one collective bulldog grunt.

We stick our drinks in the air and jump while chanting, “Here’s to Honor! To getting Honor! To staying Honor! And if you can’t come with her!” We all quickly drop to the ground and then rise again, even louder, “COME HONOR!”

We bark, “A-RHO! A-RHO! A-RHO!” until we’re all howling, jumping, and chugging our drinks.

That’s the last thing I remember.

*

I’m blind when I wake up. I don’t know where I am. The sun is shooting through the window straight into my eyes, increasing my headache.

“Jesus, someone turn the sun off,” I mumble. Someone next to me shifts and I jump. A head pops out of the pillows and smiles at me.

“Good morning, Drewby,” she says and snuggles up to me.

“Rachel! Uh - ”

                   “Last night was amazing,” she says, dragging on the last word as she tries to pull me back to her. Her hands are cold on my bare arms. I jerk away from her, rubbing my temples and trying to remember the night.

“Can you " can you pull the blinds closed on that window? I have a terrible headache.” Rachel ignores me and starts walking her fingers down my chest and then slips her hand under the sheets, grabbing me forcefully.

“Whoa whoaaa, Rachel.” When did I get naked?

“What? Let’s go again.” She bites her lip, rips the sheets back, and slides on top of me, already vigorously playing with my dick. The pain in my head intensifies. It feels like someone is pinching pieces of my brain.

“I’m not in the mood.”

She tugs on my dick faster, constricting her grip. It hurts.

“F**k,” I say and try lifting her off me.

“Oh yeah, let’s play rough,” she says. She tightens her legs around my torso so I can’t pull her off without my rolling over too.

“Mmm you’re so hard,” she whispers in my ear. I don’t feel hard. I feel angry and exhausted. She bites my neck with sharp teeth.

“Ow! Get off!” I surprise her and she loosens her legs. I throw her onto the other side of the bed and get up.

“Jesus Christ. My head f*****g kills right now. Where are my clothes?”

She doesn’t reply and looks down at her bed, playing with the sheets.

“Rachel! Where are my clothes?” I realize I’m yelling, but I don’t apologize. She just points to the corner, staying quiet. I get dressed quickly, barely able to button my shirt with my shaking hands. I’m pissed and I can’t think straight with the pain throbbing through me.

Everything hurts. I start to leave when I see something on the ground.

A condom wrapper.

“Did we have sex last night?” I look over at her. She nods and crawls towards me again.

“I don’t remember. I don’t remember last night.”

She shrugs. “I didn’t care. You were fine honestly.”

I pause, thinking about what I had to drink the night before. I can usually drink a fair amount without blacking out. It’s a skill that comes with being in a frat.

“I only had one drink and like … four shots,” I say. “I think.”

            She gets up and starts tidying up her room.

“Yeah, well, those drinks were pretty strong last night.” She doesn’t look at me.

“I’ve never blacked out that early before. That’s really … weird.” I massage my neck, trying to push the memories back into my mind but they’re not there. They don’t exist. It’s like I didn’t exist last night. Rachel doesn’t say anything to help me figure it out and I decide it’s best to leave.

I walk the couple of miles back to the house. It’s late morning and I watch the other stragglers make their way home. Girls are rubbing their eyes, their hair rolled into nests and their neon outfits from the night before too loud and tacky in the daytime. No one looks at each other. When I make it back, I walk into the living room to find Rhino and an older brother sitting on the sofa, eating biscuits.

“Thereeee he is! Sup, D! How was she?” Rhino stands up and holds up his hand for a fist bump. I ignore it and grab a biscuit. I see Rhino and Keegan look at each other.

“Where’s Bronx?” I ask between bites.

Keegan and Rhino snicker and hit each other.

I smile. “That good, huh?”

“Ohh yeah,” Rhino answers first. “Dude, he was in the bathroom with Maddie for like an hour. And then they still went home together.”

“Yeah she was trashed " ”

“ " drunk on top of the bar pouring shots in our mouths!”

“Oh and she, ya know " ” Keegan motions a dick in his mouth, “ " in the bathroom at Duke’s!” Rhino hits him on the shoulder. “Dude, that was so gay. I bet you know exactly what it’s like to have a dick in your mouth.”

“Shut up, you’re the f****n gay one. You were doing some gay s**t with Dan last night, taking shots together all night.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who likes dick in his a*s, but at least I could get Dan if I wanted to. He’s way out of your league.” Rhino says. He opens his hands for Keegan’s rebuttal.

“No way, man. I’m more Dan’s type than you are.”

“Look at me and then look at you. We both know I’m right.”

I stand up. “Shut up, you’re both gay.” They turn to me and I realize I just told an older brother to shut up. I look down at my biscuit.

“D, tell us. Did she … ” Keegan pauses and cracks up, “Did she like the D?” Rhino high fives him and they both look at me for my answer. At least they brushed over my last comment.

“Actually … ” I pause and look at Rhino. I don’t want another brother to know that I failed to give Rachel the pill. Or that I blacked out. They’d mock me for weeks if they thought I still couldn’t handle my liquor. I also don’t want Rhino to be embarrassed that his brother recommendation is a p***y. “Yeah. Yeah, I think she f*****g loved it.”

“Hell ya, that’s my boy, getting his dick wet.” Rhino hits me hard on the back.

He kisses his hand and blows it out like an Italian Chef. “Mmm what-a juice-ay puss-ay!”             He and Keegan go back and forth, making smacking and moaning noises with strange Italian accents. I’m distracted because I’m still trying to force myself to remember anything from last night. I feel empty. Hollowed out. It’s like someone rented my body and returned it all fucked up and backwards.

I go to my room. I don’t want to think about that night anymore.

            A few hours later, Bronx bursts in, panicked. “Dude have you seen, you know, the pills?” I turn in my desk chair to face him.

“You mean the drugging pills?”

Bronx’s panic fades and he replies slowly, “Yeah… I mean, the relaxing pills. I don’t remember where I put them last night.”

I don’t say anything.

“Uhh, D? You good? Have you seen them or not?”

I look at Bronx. I mean, really look at him. Then I think about Maddie Andrews. I think about all the parties last year. All the girls. All the drinks. All the drugs.

“Alright, dude. Whatever. Lemme know if you find them.” Bronx turns to leave when I stand.

“Uh, Bronx.” He stops and shrugs, waiting for me to continue.

“Do the drugs - do the pills look like candy? Like altoids or something?” Bronx stops and thinks for a moment.

“I mean, yeah I guess. If you put them in a mint case they’d probably " hey, that’s a great idea. Dude that’s brilliant! I’ll put them in a case and, like, ask girls if they want one and " man, that’s so much easier. Thanks, D.” He leaves quickly.

I remain standing in my room, alone, with a small, small thought.

*

                   I’m outside of Rachel’s apartment, knocking on the door. When she answers, she’s in a bathrobe, as if she knew I was coming.

                   “Drew, I’m so glad you’re here.” She takes my hand and pulls me in. I take my hand out of hers and cross my arms.

                   “Yeah hey. I wanted to ask you something.”

She mimics my crossed arms. “Ok. What’s up?”

“I " ” I pause, looking around her apartment. How do I even start the question Did you drug me?

“Does this mean we’re back together?” Rachel grabs my hand and pushes it under her robe. She’s naked.

“Hey " ” I pull my hand back. She slithers up my body, stopping to pull my ear into her mouth. “Listen. I need to know what happened last night.”

She stops tugging at my body and swallowing my ear. Her arms drop and when she speaks, she does not whisper or try to entice me with her words. She says very clearly, like she’s been rehearsing it: “Don’t you dare act like you don’t know what happens at those parties.”

Her nails hook into my neck and my back like talons. Her grip on me tightens. Her arms are miles long, wrapping around me. She couldn’t know about what we do. My breath constricted, I clear my throat to tell her, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t even remember last night.”

“Just because you don’t remember, doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy it,” she murmurs with my flesh between her teeth. Her hand rips at my zipper.   

I can’t breathe. I can’t remember.

Rachel shoves her hand down my pants and I don’t move. The brothers would think I’m the biggest p***y if I stopped her. This is Rachel Van Amburgh. This is the girl of everyone’s dreams. As she yanks back and forth like I’m a rusty water pump, I think something is wrong with me. I feel the shame start from her hands and crawl up me as I think about how Rhino would respond if he knew my feelings. How Bronx would call me a f****t and tell everyone that I feel this way. That I feel assaulted. That I feel pulled apart like dried glue, useless and stiff.

I finally feel my blood course back into my limbs. My arm grabs Rachel’s head, her lips suctioned onto my dick, and pull her off. Her lips make a sick shhlop noise as saliva trails from her mouth. The sticky web slowly rolls off and lands cold and wet on my exposed thighs. Rachel looks up at me with slitted eyes as I pull my pants back up. I turn around, but stop before I open the door. When I look back at her, she’s standing and looks like she’s about to pounce again to try and convince me that I want this. But I don’t. For the first time, I don’t want a girl to touch me.

“Leave me the f**k alone.” I say. I open the door forcefully, but my legs shake as I walk away.

*

I can’t stop feeling her arms on me as I walk back to my car. Instinctively, my hand reaches up to swat at something on my pants, but nothing is there. It feels like little legs are crawling up and between my thighs. I walk quickly to my car, hoping a shower will help get the spiders out of my skin. My slick hands can’t hold my keys straight as I struggle to open the door. I sweat in the seat despite the cool weather and I drop the keys when I try to get them in the ignition. I lean my head against the steering wheel and just stare at my hands.

Okay. Nothing is wrong. Just get the keys and put them in the ignition. Drive. Slowly, my body reacts and I put the car in reverse. I pull out of the parking lot and focus on the lines as I drive.

When I get back to the house, Bronx and Rhino are sitting in the living room, waiting for me. I say hey, but they don’t respond right away. As I start to walk to my room, Bronx speaks.

“Congratulations.”

I turn back around. “For what?”

“You completed your initiation.”

I look over at Rhino, who looks like a proud dad. “Because I slept with Rachel?”

Bronx coughs out a noise that I assume is supposed to be a laugh. He doesn’t smile. “Drew, you not only slept with her, but you did it without any assistance. That is mighty impressive, pledge. Heh, guess I can’t call you that anymore. Welcome to the pack, brother.”

I think Bronx expects me to laugh or smile or do anything, but I don’t feel the relief or satisfaction I had waited to feel all semester. When I don’t say anything, Rhino steps in.

“Poor guy. I think he’s in shock. Drew! You’re in! We’ll have a celebration party in a couple of days with the rest of the pledges. Now you’re officially my brother.” Rhino and I grew up together. We were always friends, despite his being a year older than me. Somehow, in the year between his joining Alpha Rho and my coming to this school, he changed. I suddenly don’t recognize him. Ryan Copperfield wouldn’t have had “relaxing” drugs in his dresser. Ryan Copperfield would have been with me on the baseball team, laughing at the meatheads who crushed beer cans on their skulls and wore tank tops too small for their hulk-like arms. Ryan Copperfield wouldn’t have been excited that I “successfully” slept with a girl without the help of drugs. But Rhino, this Alpha Rho Brother, was.

“I blacked out,” I blurt out suddenly. I don’t know why I’m telling them this, but I feel like I need to tell someone. “And I’m not entirely sure, but I think Rachel somehow got one of the pills and gave it to me.”

Bronx and Rhino laugh together. “You are such a f*****g riot,” Bronx says and steps towards me. His hand falls heavy on my shoulder and rubs it aggressively. I step back, suddenly extremely uncomfortable in this room. The brothers I spent practically every waking moment with this semester seem foreign and distant. I try and think of the names and faces of the rest of my pledge class, but I can’t.

“I’m serious, guys. I blacked out. I don’t remember. I mean, yeah, we slept together, but like. I didn’t exactly " ” I take a breath. My next words come out in an exhale. “I didn’t exaxtly want to " or I wasn’t aware " that I wanted to. I guess.”

Bronx’s smile falls into a frown.

“What are you trying to say?” He asks calmly. It’s as if he honestly doesn’t understand my words. Rhino’s eyes widen, as if trying to warn me to shut up. I don’t know why, though. I don’t understand why I should shut up. Why I shouldn’t talk about this, whatever this is.

“I didn’t want to sleep with Rachel.” I finally say. I watch as Bronx tries to comprehend this statement and how to respond. “I mean, maybe I’m just tired and hungover, but I’m pretty sure she drugged me on purpose. She didn’t seem, you know, surprised that I blacked out after only, like, two drinks and a couple shots. You guys know I can handle more than that and, I don’t know, maybe last night was all planned.” I stop talking, because I realize I’ve just been blurting out my anxious thoughts, thoughts that aren’t very characteristic of an Alpha Rho brother. I’ve said too much. They’ll think I’m whining about hooking up. Neither Rhino or Bronx respond. I don’t know what to say.

“We’re brothers, right?” I ask, hoping they’ll sympathize if I remind them of our brotherhood. Rhino nods. Bronx glares.

“Yeah, of course, man.” Rhino says and seems like he’s trying to understand.

I pause. Do I really want to bring this up? I don’t even know if what happened is actually what happened. I have no memory. I’m just tired. I don’t look at Bronx. I don’t even really look at Rhino. Instead, I look at my best friend Ryan. I pretend like we’re eight again and I have to tell him I broke his favorite action figure. I pretend we’re ten and I have to tell him his little sister is crying because I hit her with a baseball. I even think about when I had to tell him when I saw his dad in the school parking lot, kissing Korah Beth’s mom, the history teacher.

“Something happened last night, Ryan. I feel wrong. I feel "”

“ " what?”

“ " assaulted.” I almost gasp at my own word. I didn’t realize I felt this way until the word was already alive and in the air. I never thought that word would apply to me. Ryan looks at me and shakes his head slowly. I can see the edges of his mouth resisting laughter, like water about to boil.

“Like " like, uh, rape?” The water bubbles loudly over the edge, running down the sides of Ryan’s face, echoing in the room. Bronx laughs then, too. I know it’s not genuine, though. I know it’s anxious laughter. They’re uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable.

“Yes.” I eventually say, even though I’m not even sure the meaning of it myself. Bronx and Rhino seem to have been holding their breaths because they both really laugh this time, assuming I’m just joking around. I don’t know how to respond. If I should leave.

Bronx stops laughing, but smiles as he says, “It’s not rape if you’re on top, bro.”

Part of me wants to believe him. I want to laugh this off and go get food with my friends, my brothers. I want all of this to be over and to enjoy being an Alpha Rho, something I’ve worked towards all semester. When I think about ignoring this, the spiders under my skin come back. They run faster the more I try to ignore them. I resist the urge to scratch my skin until they’re gone. I don’t reply to Bronx. I don’t look at Ryan. I decide to leave. It’s the easiest decision right now.

I walk down the street towards the river. I focus on my footsteps and, as I do, the spiders seem to calm down. They’re still there, I can feel them, but their legs are not as frantic, not as urgent. By the time I reach the river, they’re practically comatose. I wish I could do the same. The sun begins to set as I lean on a rock overlooking the water. I have no f*****g idea what to do. For right now, I try and ignore the scratching spiders as they dig their way further into my skin, probably laying their eggs in the deepest parts of me.             “F**k!” I yell. My voice bounces off the river and I imagine it skipping across the water like a stone. I count the skips, hoping it’ll calm my ragged breaths. The sounds of my sobs are too heavy to skip, but I fling them across the water anyway, hoping someone will hear them.