Ch 1: Premonitions

A teenage girl with a secret, Amy lives her life in Celestis going to school and working part time. One day after school, a dangerous encounter with two suspicious men leads to a more fated meeting.

            The world of Teramis. Celestis, capital of the Adali Empire. Monday, May 14, 520NA (Year 520 of the New Age). A peaceful city, a center of research and technological development, it’s sleek modern buildings and the many modern conveniences created from the study of the ancient technologies unearthed around the world made it a futuristic jewel among the empire’s major cities. None who had lived there after the fact would have believed it to be a country to have invaded the Kingdom of Gaian, sparking an all out war. Only a year long, the war was ended and all hostilities forgotten just thirty years ago. Over those years the world, to this day, has become seeped in the chaotic aftermath of the events that ended that war, yet here in Celestis peace once again reigns. However, for one young girl this peaceful life is about to come to an end, as a dark power has come in search of the gift she has kept hidden for so long...

            “Who‘s coming?” Amy thought, finding herself in a dark passage. “… Amy…” a voice called out, but she could not hear it. Wandering down the passage, she thought, “I can sense that someone is coming. Someone… special…” Reaching the end of the passage, she stepped through a door, and saw someone standing before her, their features hidden by shadow. “…Amy Grant…” the voice called out again, this time she could barely hear it. She asked the person beyond the door, “Who are you?” Ms. Weber shouted, “Amy Grant please wake up! This is a classroom, you need to be studying, not catching up on your sleep!” The teacher smacked Amy’s desk with a ruler making a loud crack. Startled, Amy jerked up and nearly fell out of her chair. Amy quickly stammered, “I-I’m sorry Miss Weber!” With a cross look on her face, the teacher returned to the desk in front of the class as she said, “I will let this slide because you’re usually such a good student, now please open your book to page forty-nine and pay attention.”

            Sitting at a desk in the far back on the side closest to the windows, a seventeen year old high school girl with short blue hair and blue eyes wearing the white and blue girl’s school uniform, Amy shook off the flustering mishap and quickly turned to the proper page. Amy could not pay much attention at all though. The dream she had was all she could think about, for she knew it was one of those dreams. While her blue hair was a rare trait in itself, one of several unusual colors of hair that began to grow naturally only for a small percentage of people since the Cataclysm of Noctivagus, Amy has another special trait that she has kept hidden for as long as she can remember. She was an energist.

            Continuing her lecture, Ms. Weber said, “The war between the Adali Empire and the Kingdom of Gaian was brought to a sudden halt by an event known as the Cataclysm of Noctivagus. Within the borders of the Empire, the Ruins of Noctivagus were of little note to others than tourists or researchers, remnants of ancient civilization over a thousand years old. However, thirty years ago a quake centered at Noctivagus shook the land, and a dark veil of clouds covered the ruins and everything within a ten mile radius of them.” 

The lecture was hardly much interest to the class, as most of it was common knowledge. Amy in particular knew practically everything about the topic. It was, after all, how people like her came to be. Regardless, Ms. Weber continued on, “To this day a dark storm rages over that area, and scientists cannot explain nor can they investigate the phenomena, for authorities have declared it an off-limits area after the disappearance of several military research teams sent to explore the ruins. These events, however, did not stop the war immediately, in fact it was not considered a very cataclysmic event at the time. It was in the aftermath that it was discovered how unprecedented an event had occurred. EDE, Extra Dimensional Energy. Since the moment the skies over Noctivagus darkened, from out of nowhere massive amounts of EDE had been pouring into the world, saturating the planet over time. To this day exact cause of its sudden appearance is of great speculation. After this saturation was complete, an even greater shock came with the development within a small percent of the world’s population of the ability to use this…” 

With a loud ring the bell sounded the end of the class. The students, eager to escape the drudgery of their history class, quickly began to pack up their belongings as Miss Weber repeated the assigned chapters and impressed upon them, “Please make sure to finish this chapter, this material WILL be on the test, I know you all must already have an understanding of all this but you may learn more than you think with further study.”

            As Amy rose to leave, a female classmate stepped up to her desk with a cheery expression and said, “Hey Amy, me and some of the girls are gonna have a study session over at my house! You wanna come?” This girl, Mia Parker, was one of the few people Amy really considered to be a real friend at school. She had long light brown hair tied in twin pony tails and green eyes, and was always kind and cheerful when they talked. Amy was somewhat shy around most of the other students, she felt she really didn’t fit in at school, but Mia always pushed her to be more social. Although Mia’s persistence could be annoying at times, Amy did usually have fun whenever she pulled her into something. 

With that very persistence, Mia said, “C’mon it’ll be fun! We can probably skim through stuff and be done with this silly assignment fast, and just hang out. It’s all mostly common knowledge anyway.” At the moment however, Amy didn’t have time to deal with Mia. Not only did she have to get back home and get ready for her part time job at the diner across the street from the old apartment complex her family owned, she also had to decide what to do about her dream. Amy had only had that kind of dream a few times before, and they had foretold of something that would happen soon after. Like the death of her mother. But this dream was so strange that she could not grasp its meaning, and Amy thought to herself, “If only the teacher hadn’t interrupted…”

            “I’m sorry Mia, I have work today so I really need to head straight home.” Amy said, and slipped past the disappointed Mia. Before Amy got out the door, Mia called out, “Aww ok, see you tomorrow!” Hurrying quickly down the stairs to the first floor, and jogging down the main hall towards the open glass doors of the school entrance, Amy bobbed and weaved through the crowds of students to finally make her way out the gates and onto the sidewalk. Now she only had to make her way to the park. Unlike most students, who either live close enough to walk or take the hover bus to and from their housing districts, Amy had devised a rather unique way of getting back and forth from school and her family’s apartment complex. 

The city itself was very old, and beneath it ran many underground passages. Most had collapsed or been sealed off, but Amy had found the entrance to a passage that ran beneath the city between the park across the street from her school and an alley by the restaurant she worked at. As Amy would rather walk half the distance she would if she walked the streets above ground, and preferred not to take the crowded hover buses, it was the perfect compromise. As long as she could keep it a secret from her father, who constantly worries about her, or from any teachers and other authority figures.

            Amy hurried through the park towards the hillside near the northeast edge of the park where there was a cellar-like door coming out of the ground. She had found this entrance when she first started at her high school a few years ago and had explored the passage out of curiosity. She was quite surprised to find it took her so close to home. It had been unlocked at the time, but someone had locked it after that. This was actually both useful and annoying for her. She was unskilled at it, unable to fully control her abilities yet, but she could unlock the door by focusing on it and moving the inner mechanisms with her mind. She had learned she could do this with simple locks by chance when she was much younger, and though her father always stressed not abusing her power and keeping it hidden, this didn’t seem like anything that would hurt anyone. Placing a hand over the lock and focusing on it, she struggled to move the innards of it, muttering, “C’mon…” Just as she got it to unlock, something gave her the feeling she was being watched. Quickly turning around, she scanned the area, but could see no one. Slightly unnerved, she pulled open the door and walked quickly down into the passage, shutting the door behind her but neglecting to lock it behind her like she usually did.

            The passage was dark. She had used a cheap flashlight keychain to make her way through it the first time, and now she carried a better one in her bag. Yet Amy had barely made it a ways into the passage before the doors behind her burst open. Two men in black suits stumbled into the passage and, facing her, one of them removed a pair of dark shades and said, “Hello miss, I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to come with us.” Amy felt the color drain from her face, and the flashlight clattered to the ground as she stood there trembling, unable to move as she thought, “Are they from The Guild?! They know about me… They know I’m an unregistered energist!” The other man took a step toward her, and suddenly one thought shot through her entire body like lightning. “RUN!” With great haste, Amy turned and bolted down the dark passage. The second man shouted “Stop!”, and started to pull out a gun from inside his coat, but the first man quickly turned and grabbed his hand saying, “You idiot, put that away! We need her alive!” With a glare the second man slid his gun back into his suit, scooped up Amy’s flashlight, and together they bolted after her.

            Running through the underground passage, Amy struggled to find her way through the darkness as she grappled with the fear that was consuming her, all the while thinking, “What do I do?! Even if I get away from them here, it’s only a matter of time before they find out where I live! We’ll have to move to a Sanctuary! Energists aren’t allowed to live in this city!” Tears began to pool in her eyes as she thought, “Mom and Dad worked so hard to give me a normal life…” Amy could hear the men running after her, she could see the light of her flashlight getting closer, and she promptly quickened her pace. The first man yelled after her, “Come back here little lady, there’s nowhere to run!” Amy continued to flee from her pursuers, and finally she could see ahead of her a small crack of bright light. She exclaimed, “The door!” She sped up even more as hope flowed through her. She slammed her hand on the door, which also had a lock on it, and faster than ever before used her power to unlock it.

            Amy burst out the door, and for a brief moment felt relieved to be out of the underground passage. Then she looked at where she was. This was not the alley she always came out at. It was a large outdoor storage facility. Between the darkness and her panicked state, she must have stumbled into a different passage connected to the one she knew. But now was not the time to figure out where she’d come out, as the two men were coming up the tunnel behind her, and she thought in realization, “I’ve gotta lock the door!” Quickly she slammed the door shut and put her hand on it to lock it once again, but she was too late. With a loud bang the second man kicked the door open again, and Amy was knocked back as it struck her mid-swing. Lying on the ground, dazed and aching from the powerful impact of the door, Amy looked up to see her pursuers standing over her. The first man said, “You gave us quite a run around, but I think it’s time to give it up little girl, we don’t want to have to get rough…” Then he turned to his companion and said, “Call the car, it looks like we’re at the Celestis storage district near the south gate.” The second man nodded and pulled out a cell phone, while the first man moved closer to Amy, who merely laid there breathing heavily from pain and exhaustion.

            Suddenly, Amy heard steps coming from somewhere nearby. The first man stopped, obviously hearing it as well, and turned his attention in the direction they were coming from. Out of the shadows of a large storage crate, a young man with windblown brown hair wearing a long black coat over a white shirt, black jeans, and black tennis shoes stepped into the sunlight. Amy managed to turn herself enough to be able to see him better, and was struck by his eyes. They were a vivid red, matching the gem in the silver necklace he wore, and almost seemed to glow. Casually, the first man addressed him and said, “Hello young man.” The young man stared at him with a stern look as the first man in black continued, “I’m afraid this is a matter between us and the young lady. We’ll be on our way soon enough.” 

There was an awkward silence, and the young man turned his attention to Amy momentarily, then back to the man in black as he said, “Whatever business you have with her, you can take it up with me now.” He started to walk towards the two men in black, and the second man said, “Look punk, don’t mess with us, this is Guild business. This brat’s an energist!” The young man smirked as he replied, “Oh really? Funny, you guys don’t look much like Special Forces units. The Guild is the ruling organization headed by the leaders of the four nations right? You’re telling me they sent a couple of thugs like you to kidnap a girl when they could arrest her on the spot? I can sense EDE, and if she is an energist, she’s not strong enough for The Guild to care.” The two men were stunned, as was Amy. As the second man finally stuttered, “Wh-Who are you?!” Amy wondered to herself, “Just who is he? Could he be… a rogue energist?! An unregistered energist just like me?”

            “The time for talk is over…” said the first man in black. He reached within his suit and drew his gun, starting to say, “Get lost or-” The man didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence. As he drew his weapon the young man rushed at him with great speed, and before the startled man in black could get a bead on him, his opponent got in close enough range as to grab the hand with the gun with his right hand and landed a crushing blow to the man’s stomach with his left fist. The man in black let out a stifled moan of pain and collapsed to the ground as the young man released his hand. The air seemed to swirl around the mysterious boy as a powerful aura now radiated from him. 

The second man was shocked, and he exclaimed, “S**t!” as he reached for his gun, but with the same speed the boy ran up to him and landed a powerful kick to the man’s gut. The impact literally sent the man in black flying. His body sailed through the air, slammed into a large metal storage crate nearly twenty feet away with a loud metallic bang, and collapsed to the ground as well, completely unconscious. Amy could hardly believe what had just happened, and yet as she remembered her dream, it made her realize it may have been predicting this very event. He had come. Someone special. To save her. Amy could sense him coming closer, the aura of powerful EDE was around him, the energy that gathers around an energist through the body’s process of regulating the EDE the energist commands. The more EDE an energist can regulate, the greater their strength, speed, and aura. Not only that, but EDE can fuel unique powers at the energist’s command, their form varying from person to person. Without rest however, the body will become tired from continuously converting EDE into power, meaning energists can run out of strength should they find themselves in a long and fierce battle. For her of all people to be able to sense his aura meant he must be stronger than average. Amy no longer had strength enough even to look at him, much less thank him. Faintly, she could hear him saying, “Hey… You ok…? Hey!” Physically and mentally drained, the relief of being saved was all that was needed for her to drift out of consciousness.

Author's Note

To anyone reading, prepare for a long haul. In addition to 57 chapters here, it's currently prospected this story will span about 5 books of relatively the same length. Reading just the first chapter will hardly do it justice, if you want to glimpse the story's full essence, reading Ch 1 - 6 should probably give you a good idea. While I won't deny the presence of romance in this story, it is well overshadowed by the fantasy and adventure elements IMO.

Reviews

[Laura Lynn]

reading your note here I see that you can do this and have so much devotion to it, I love the sound of it, there is so much to it, and you must have substantially good memories to be able to put the characters and the world together in an enriching or meaningful way, that is conjecture on my part, not being sure each writer having a different set of worlds and experiences and reading preferences or "reading experiences" if you will

[KeithKVH]

Thank you for reviewing! I really am devoted to this, it's something special to me. I do wonder at times how good my memory is, I retain quite a bit for this but in other matters there are often times I feel like a scatterbrain. I take quite a few notes, but a good amount is also done by memory and just plain thinking along the lines of the characters themselves. Honestly once I can imagine their voice, dialogue is generally a non-issue.

[Fang]

You have great potential and reading your novel here is inspiring. Great work!

[KeithKVH]

Thank you kindly, I'm sorry for the late reply. Things have been hectic for me as of late.

[Ryan Henderson]

Very wonderfully penned, I enjoyed this piece primarily because of it's great flow, great dialogue, great mood, and it's ability to grab my attention. This story held my attention, and therefore made me want to read the next chapter. Very well done indeed!

[KeithKVH]

Thank you! It's particularly nice to hear it held your attention. I've gone over it numerous times for grammar and spelling, and as a first chapter I've worried some people might not get hooked too easily. I see you've already read on from this, I'm very grateful and I will return the courtesy with my best effort to make the reviews as helpful as possible.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you!

[Kuandio]

Alright, nice story. Even though an omniscient pov is not recommended by most, I still like the intro paragraph, but maybe you could change the font so it feels more separate? It sounds almost like a blurb you could put on the back cover of the book

- like the way it starts with Amy sleeping

- cool name - Cataclysm of Noctivagus - as well as - energist - and EDE (in fact, there are a lot of cool names)

- good job of giving the history through the teacher's lesson instead of info-dumping it on us

- I was afraid this might be a slow read, but no, you did an EXCELLENT job with the pacing of this chapter, like having her get chased so soon, and then meeting the other energist who saves her.

- story reminds me of a Final Fantasy movie I saw

- the writing is pretty darned good, especially compared to most of what I come across on this website. However, it will be easier for the reader if you break up the blocks of description and dialogue.

- Overall, there is not a lot to correct or improve, just the kind of minor things I think you'll definitely be able to deal with when you revise it again at some point (and if you do that you'll be well on your way to having something maybe publishable). There's a bit of extra info sometimes you put in that feels like telling instead of showing. It's not much though, but if you could reduce that and spread it out, the story would flow even better. Maybe, maybe, there are moments you could throw in a bit more detail in the descriptions

[KeithKVH]

Thank you for the review! I'm glad to see you point out those various things, especially the final fantasy bit. I love RPGs, which is as everyone knows is where FF got it's start. You could say this is my own stab at the kind of epic storyline they usually have.

As you and others pointed out, the dialogue needs separation and there are points of exposition that could be left out here and there. I revised it several times before putting it up here, but I didn't have this very kind of feedback and I honestly wasn't paying attention to those aspects. I'm thinking I'll probably have to get to it once I've finished all this up, as I still have quite a task ahead of me with the two remaining volumes.

I like the idea of the blurb. I guess that's kind of what it was meant to be, something to give the general setting, and I felt awkward starting without it. To be quite honest this all started from a very vague idea I came up with, and the entire story only really started to fall into place after I wrote the first six chapters. I think I've really enjoyed it that way too, it's not finished but it's really amazed me thus far, if that's not tooting my own horn too much.

Thank you again, I noticed you've been saying you're busy. I probably will be pretty soon as well, some bad things have happened, and IRL calls with a vengeance...

[David Jae]

This is an enjoyable read, with a powerful story and compelling protagonist. It's fun and engaging, with fast paced plot and believable characters.

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However, it could do with some polish and re-writing in places. The biggest improvement you could make is to separate out your dialogue. Right now, it tends to get lost in your text.
Put each new piece of dialogue on a new line and indent it. This will break up your text and make it easier on the reader.
E.g.
As Amy rose to leave, a female classmate moved over to her desk and said
'Hey, Amy, me and some of the girls are going to have a study session at my house. Want to come?'

Finally, you have some instances of needless exposition that do nothing for the story, and would be better shown, not told.

E.g.

The first man moved closer to Amy, who thought 'it's over...I don't have the strength left to run anymore.'

This would be better done this way.

Amy dropped to her hands and knees, fighting for breath, as the first man moved closer and she looked fearfully up at him.

This shows that she is too tired to run, without saying so explicitly.

These are just my opinions, but these will make your writing stronger.

Don't get disheartened, you have real potential for the harder aspects of the craft that cannot be so easily taught and these will be the icing on the cake.

Ganbare

This

[KeithKVH]

Thank you, it's very encouraging to get a review like this. Very helpful as well, I've looked at other writing here and wondered if the dialogue would benefit from what you suggested as well. I'll admit I worry about implementing it because of it's large amount of dialogue, and the fact that it may make it take up a very large page space here. I don't suppose I can ask if there's a specific guideline to that aspect or whether it's done with every new speaker? Thanks in advance and thanks again!

[David Jae]

You're very welcome. I hope you didn't take it amiss. Your work is good and a credit to you. It's typical to start a new line with every speaker, to avoid confusion. It's certainly been done in every book I've read.

Ganbare

[KeithKVH]

Nothing taken amiss at all, I should take the opportunity to learn these things. I've never really done any kind of writing class or training, so I don't really know much about structuring things. If it weren't for other people's suggestions this might still be a single spaced blob.

It might be a bit before I get around to implementing any changes here, I have this in a few contests that end soon and I don't want anyone wondering why it's different in some chapters because I haven't gotten to them yet. I will indeed work on it when the opportunity arises though.

[David Jae]

You don't need to justify yourself to me. I look forward to seeing what you do in the future.

Ganbare

[kclyaine]

I wished i have that kind of power, so I don't need to bring my housekeys and worried of getting it lost. Nice chapter by the way, and I'll continue reading the rest of it after my long sleep.

[KeithKVH]

Thanks. It's useful, although I think it only sees a handful of use as a door opener. There's a lot of electronic locks in this. Still, there's an opportunity coming up, so I think you just gave me an idea to help get the next part written.

[kclyaine]

your welcome, I'm not really sure what your planning since I haven't finished reading the rest of the chapters, but I'll look forward to it

[KeithKVH]

Yeah it'll be far off, I have two other books in the series I haven't uploaded. I'm working on the fourth, I hope you'll find it worth reading that far. xD