Not The Opera House

An iconic Aussie structure,

Sydney's Opera House its not.

Not a pleasant place to visit

When you need to plonk your dot.

The construction very basic

It really is quite humble.

Instead of music harmony

A  growling  tummy rumble.

 

We tend to call it many names

And some of them are funny.

There's the one that rhymes with Smit House

And  thunderbox and dunny.

They're quite a distance from the house

Maybe too far, you might think.

But in that searing summer heat

Bloody hell, they really stink!

 

Pre-flight checks are essential

Every seasoned pilot knows.

But there is a need to hurry,

Coz it’s really on the nose.

Is paper hanging on the wall?

Strung  up on old fence wire.

To find its gone a bit too late,

Then your situation dire.

 

Are Tiger snakes down in that hole?

Maybe fallen in the pit.

They could be lurking in the dark

Slithering  amongst the grit.

The final check is to be sure,

No nasty red back spiders.

They'll sneak into a timber split,

They’re clever little hiders.

 

You need to look around the seat

And underneath the lip.

The greatest dread of country lads

A Red Back spider nip.

There's a long time Aussie custom

It’s burned into our soul.

In dunny paper you squish 'em

And drop them down the hole.

 

Dreadful suffering from their bites

Swelling quite incredible.

The horror stories in my mind,

Images indelible.

Some bloke was bitten on the smalls,

They said his name was Sparrow.

To get around he had to wheel,

His tackle in a barrow.

 

One dunny in particular,

It was way worse than the rest.

Even hardened Aussie bushmen

Would struggle to pass it's test.

On a thousand acre sheep farm,

A  way from the shearer's huts.

Deliberately uncomfortable

For those shearers ugly butts.

 

With its seat on quite an angle

The builder a total dope,

As for getting comfortable,

You just had no bloody hope.

Two holes were cut In that bench seat

Its a tandem ride no less.

No way that I could share that place

Surely built to cause distress.

 

At the end the soiled paper,

Never went where it was meant.

It flew up through the other hole

It was much to my torment.

Driven by the whimsical breeze

It danced all about my face

We won't discuss what happened next

That awful place  a big  disgrace.

 

This building made in tougher times

For a tougher breed of men.

If this was life in olden days

Well I'm glad I missed it then

Author's Note

Do you get get kicked out of the WC for toilet humour?

Reviews

[Sheila Kline]

Well, I really enjoyed the other two yarns I have read, but this one is absolutely the funniest!!

I sure am glad we don't have those spiders here or I'd never pull up my dress. Seriously, I lived on a farm in WV as a girl in high school and we had a country home, a real hillbilly home, so we did the "outhouse" trot until my parents had a bathroom put in. The common "wiper" us most West Virginians were familiar with was Sears Roebuck catalogs, or good ole' scratchy corn cobs, of which there was always an abundance. Anyway, I don't regret it......it gives me something to remember and laugh about today!!

Thanks for the laughs and memories!! Your Grandfather must have been a real hoot!! I love his remarks!
You certainly do have his sense of humor!!
Another great job!

[Keith]

Thank you again Sheila, you have ceratinly made my day!

[Keith]

"Golden Beach" might also be good for a laugh, it is a true story, but no one around here laughed about that for a V E R Y, V E R Y long time.

[lee von cleef]

No , No, They will invite you to stay, pick up the guitar and play, you have become the host with the most.

[Keith]

Wow, thanks Lee, much appreciated.

[shallimarRose]

thoroughly enjoyed this... lol Rose

[Keith]

Thank you Rose, just a bit of fun.

[Aethereal]

This is a real life, but funny story about how troublesome the old ways really were. In Shakespearian times, most people died from diseases caused by unsanitary conditions. During England's fight with the Spanish Armada most English casualties of war were due to diseases caused by unsanitary conditions onboard those old English barks. There was a good reason why the Roman Empire had so many bathhouses. I enjoyed the rhyme and meter in this poem as well as its message.

[Keith]

Thank you for reading, I just had o get that one out of my system, I actually encountered that 2 seat dunny about 50 years ago when I was a teenager.

[Aethereal]

Municipal codes have outlawed outhouses where I live. Even Amish farmers have been forced to surrender their outhouses to public sewage systems. It's all for the better.

[quinfinn]

no, only for personal attacks on others with no merit. this reminds me of the time i shared a country house with an old friend and we had an outhouse 100 yards from our dwelling. our bathtub was outside connected to a well ....there were always huge maggots in the "dunny" and spiders and snakes and every other creepy type of insect or rodent you can imagine....it burned to the ground one day after my then roomie tossed his lit cigarette in the hole....i moved out shortly thereafter. wonderfully written piece is this, i enjoyed it tremendously!

[Keith]

Oh year those damned old baths. My grandparents had one with a wood burning bathheater, you had to cut the wood into thin slivers, light it up and after a half hour warm water came through. The worst bit, was being on tank water, everyone shared the same water, you just hoped you went first.

[Baby Ricochet]

Ha! Loved it! I've taken craps in some seriously scary places under a great deal of durress so I can relate allto well . Great poem. Applause all around

[Keith]

Oh yeah. I have often taken my shovel and a roll of paper off into the bush in preference. While on this choice subject, my grandfather reckoned 'you weren't a real bushman unless you could wipe your a*s with a forked stick'. He also recommended 'tearing a hole in the seat of your pants to keep the flies outa your face'

[Marie]

You aren't going to get kicked out, though I'm not one to appreciate this kind of humour. You're right about life in the good old days...it wasn't that good...

[Keith]

Thank you for reading Marie. I do appreciate that you read it to the end even though an edgy unpleasant subject. I must confess that I leave and move on when reading something outside of my comfort zone.

[Marie]

I sometimes do that too, but your piece was interesting enough to read to the end.

[David Scott]

A fine tale from the out back out house. Ha! I had to smile. Your very Aussie experiences and creatures lend a fragrance to your poetry far more pleasant than the topic.

One observation I think could improve your presentation is to keep to your template. I felt like you wanted to be specific with your meter and contruction, but let yourself slide a little because it was easier to rhyme. I'm all for free verse or patterned poetry, but eclectic mixes or scrambles can distract or at best not add to a great story.
Very well done as it stands, but I think you could build this a bit more solid. You do have a fine talent.

[Keith]

Thanks David, I am rather new and really appreciate some advice that I can work with. I will revisit, I can probably see the the flaws when I have left it for a few weeks. Cheers.

[David Scott]

Not a big issue. Just a simple matter of deciding on a template. Like, eight lines in each stanza is a pattern, but then each line should be consistent in the poem. Like having a syllable count that repeats. 96859685 in one stanza feels odd when the next one reads 97867575.
Now, consider this only advice for what I feel like your going for with consistent blocking and line count. I love free lines and spastic poetic expressions. After all, this is poetry and as unique as each individual. I'm still experimenting myself and I am very much an amateur writer. I welcome any feedback to help with my poetic explorations as well.
Keep up the creative storytelling. I like it and your good at it.

[Keith]

Thanks David, I was just revisting your orig comment to ask for some more specifics, but you have already done that. I understand and will try to clean this up when I get some time. Only being doing this for a short while and appreciate asistance with the technical aspects. I read David Paget's work and see the benefits of getting it technically perfect each time. Thanks again.

[Keith]

David, it has taken me a little while to get to this, but I have reworked it with the aim of getting consistency of syllable count. I would appreciate you taken another peek if can spare a moment. Thanks again. Keith.

[David Scott]

You did a great job building a tighter format. The poetry feels more intentional this way. My only advice from this point would be to work on the feel of the lines as the "stressed" syllables read.
I am working on this concept myself and it is hit and miss still in my poetry.
Consider how it would feel to read an eight line stanza if the count were more ebbing and flowing. I like the 8787 for four line stanza, but would consider using 87868786 or even 87866786. Just make each stanza consistent with each other in the hole poem whatever template you choose.
By experience and work, we can make our poetry better and better.
Good work so far!

[Keith]

Thanks David. I will try to explore those different templates. Much appreciated, hopefully I can also improve with time.

[David Scott]

I'm happy to help out with my take on things. You have a great story-telling mind and your work will be interesting because of your creative mind!

[DCT ponderings]

Funny.....not funny to me. :) As a kid I refused to use the restroom at rest stops or campsites for just this reason. Spiders hiding under the toilet lids. I heard stories....I was young. And Outhouses where another nightmare unto themselves very well described. Then you just had to add in snakes. Yikes. Why not rats and make it a trifecta. In India there was nothing but a plank over a pit. What a balancing act those are. :)

You made me laugh with this one and in the end all I wanted was to be at the Opera house.

[Keith]

Thanks for reading Danna, sorry to freak you out. Good idea about the rats though, how did I miss that? ..just kiddin.

[DCT ponderings]

See you just haven't been to a scary enough privy...or found a mouse floating in the toilet wondering how it got there. ;)

[Keith]

I have a daughter who is 23 and afraid of nothing ..except frogs. When we lived in Northern Territory she was freaked by the bright green toes of the tree frogs clinging under the rim.

[DCT ponderings]

Interesting. I actually love frogs especially their bellowing at night. However sine they are one of the signs of the ten plagues I suppose she has reason to be afraid. :)

[Keith]

Oh that noise! We lived in a 'Queensland' style house on steel posts about 6" in diameter. All night we heard the the echoey noise from in those poles where they loved to hang out.

[DCT ponderings]

I suspect that would eventually drive one bonkers. :)

[Keith]

Maybe it did? Could explain the wacky poems.

[DCT ponderings]

:)

[Angi]

I cannot ever, ever get anything to flow in an outhouse. Spiders freak me out and now you have thrown in writhing snakes. Nope, I will explode first, thank you very much. Angi~

[Keith]

Actually, we had a group from the US visit a few years back and I took them well out into the bush. At one tourist location there was an outhouse, not quite as rough as the subject of this poem, but she opened the door, closed it promptly and just got back into the van. Next stop 3 hrs later. She must have been really uncomfortable.