Perhaps this is a blog 2

More free writing

Have you ever met someone that just totally and completely gets you? No matter any of the bad things that you tell them about yourself...they still get you...still desire you...still want you as their own? I should be writing this and saying this is my boyfriend, but in all reality, and this is where I'm letting myself become all reality, it's not. He does get me, does love me, and I love him very deeply. But he is comfortable, he knows me for my realness as well...but I cannot confide in him the dark secrets I have, the hideous thoughts in my head, the desires that just do not go over well in the vanilla world. I happen to have a Dominant/submissive kink in me, have had for the longest time, though I am not sure if it was conditioned into me like Pavlov and his dogs, or if it has somehow always been there. [More on that later perhaps another day]. But it does in fact go deeper than that. It goes into Master/slave instead. And if you need to know the difference, go research, or maybe I'll talk about it later. So I've known my Master for oh dear, probably not even a year. Maybe a year. I can't quite remember. Anyway, that's not even important. What is is that he gets me on such a level that I don't feel like I can tell anyone else about. The fact that I'm bi polar [see previous story] is even helped by him, because he is too, and lives off his meds, has for a good twenty years. So even the darkest deepest devils inside me I can confess to him. He gets it. Can help me when I'm so darkly depressed or so wrapped up in the darkness of everything, he helps me unwind, to...oh what's the word...deescalate perhaps. To..compartmentalize. To take my mind back from the forces that want to control it. He also knows every single sexual fantasy that I have, and has helped me fulfill many of them. And before you ask, no my boyfriend doesn't know about Him, but He does know about my boyfriend. It's an interesting situation, but one that seems to work for everyone, because it makes me happier, which in turn makes my boyfriend happier. If your one comment to this piece is that I should tell him, please, don't bother. My Master helps me calm myself in so many ways that it makes life so much easier here. And by here, my Master lives clear across the continental US from me, so it also makes our situation work out. No, He does not expect me to break up with my boyfriend or to come live with Him. As I said, our situation is interesting, but it works on all parties. But it is just refreshing to bring myself somewhere to Someone where I can just talk without being afraid of saying too much, about being thought a freak, a deviant, and I know He will accept anything I have to say, and usually is interested in it as well. Sometimes it does get hard, because there is a pretty big age gap (bout thirty years I want to say)...but in the same instance, I know it keeps us from dreaming too much...that we are fine with how life is because we know it is the best place for both of us. And as well as that I have a craving, a thirst, for that Domination, and if you do as a reader as well, you'll know what I mean, and my boyfriend happens to be a submissive personality, so I cannot get it from him. So I find that aspect of my life elsewhere. But with my Master, He just gets everything about me...and encourages me in just about everything I do. He's like a cool uncle sometimes, or a father figure. I suppose I support Freud's theory of wanting to do your father and what not, though I never had one, so I guess I'm still trying to fill the void. Ha ha. Sorry, short attention span  happens when I'm in a good mood with the whole manic aspect. But I'm not sure what I would do without my Master. I honestly don't think my relationship with my boyfriend would be as good. Because I would be keeping things inside that I wouldn't want him to know, that i would be afraid he would think too weird. He accepts a lot about me...a lot...and I know he'd probably accept half the things I had to tell him, but sometimes, when I start talking about my bi polar...what I'm feeling and thinking...he just gets this look...and I feel like he thinks I'm absolutely crazy. Which, you know, I probably am. But when I tell my Master...He's been there...He just gets it...and most the time He knows how to help me. Anyway, that's it for tonight. If you read till the end, a very hearty thank you for taking time out of your life, for I know how hard it is sometimes.

Author's Note

Thank you for letting me find somewhere that helps. =)