A Creator and His Creation

"...And God was upset with Moses. For He saw that Moses had not trusted Him. Moses did not follow his Creator's instruction correctly..." The pastor walked up and down the stage as he gave the sermon.

Two girls sat close to the back of the church. They were friends who had planned to meet up that day before preparing for their trip.

"You know, it's almost as tho it is programmed in our heads to sin. The way we constantly disappoint God is as if we are innately evil..." Girl 1 said under her breath, not considering she would be heard. The tone in her voice clearly indicated that something was on her mind.

"Hmm perhaps," Girl 2 began "but when you say it like that, it sounds as if you are saying God made us evil. God isn't evil nor would he create anything evil- we are made in His image after all."

Girl 2 shifted her body to face Girl 1- placing her left arm on the rest of the bench and cupping her hands as if holding something.

"The way I see it is... God created a being with a few simple instructions it had to follow. This being was instructed that it was free to roam and do anything it wanted, however it was forbidden to interact with a particular fruit. Which is interesting because the idea to disobey or go against this instruction never came to them at all until it came as a suggestion- a virus that corrupted the program."

Girl 1 stared at Girl 2 a bit startled by the sudden presentation she was receiving. She was not too familiar with The Bible however, she could tell Girl 2 was talking about the Garden of Eden. "So this virus, I take it was created by the devil?"

"Yep. And this virus had a simple code: disobey God"

Her head had tilted slightly- as she curiously listened to her friend.

"It's probably why God had removed them from the garden in the first place. What am I saying, it is the reason He removed them. He knew that His creation had been compromised and therefore could not be trusted, so He quarantined them out of the garden but strangely He never destroyed them."

Girl 1 blinked blankly a bit confused, "Them?"

"This program was given instructions to follow however it wasn't restricted to follow it, in other words it had free will. The problem occurs however when the devil comes into the story- he is almost like a virus in fact. We never would have considered disobeying God because it was never written in our program to do so. The devil placed a suggestion or thought in our heads that changed that, and unfortunately that virus remained in our programming as we multiplied..."

Girl 2 gets interupted by a woman sitting in front of them. She had turned around with her finger on her lips gesturing them to be quiet during the sermon. Girl 2 nods respectfully then proceeds to pay attention to the pastor. However Girl 1 stares at Girl 2 soaking the information she was being told. She had been friends with Girl 2 for some time, but never realized her close friend had a passion for Christianity.

"I never thought of that." Girl 1 began choosing to ignore the woman in front.

next chapter

© 2023 𝔸ʂɾıéli໐ຖ Ş໐นl

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JayG

• "...And God was upset with Moses. For He saw that Moses had not trusted Him. Moses did not follow his Creator's instruction correctly..." The pastor walked up and down the stage as he gave the sermon.

This can’t work, unfortunately. First, you're presenting the words of someone unknown, speaking for unknown reasons. And THEN, you tell the reader who spoke it, which will provide a hint of how it should have been read, but, too late to be useful. In fact, most people will assume that it’s a Bible passage they're unfamiliar with as they read, then learn they were wrong. That is NOT a good way to please the reader..

• Two girls sat close to the back of the church. They were friends who had planned to meet up that day before preparing for their trip.

I wish I had better news, but here is where you lose the reader—not because of talent, or how well you write, but because you’re trying to “tell a story” to the reader. And for reasons not obvious to the author, it can’t work.

1. When you read this story you already know who the girls are. You know their backstory, where we are in time and space, and, the way you would tell it to an audience. So for you, the performance is live and the narrator’s voice is filled with the emotion the reader can’t know to place there. Have your computer read it to you to hear how different what the reader gets is from what you intend them to “hear.”
2. Related to that, verbal storytelling is a performance art, where how you perform matters as much as what you say. Things like gesture, facial expression, and body language are stripped out for the reader, as is vocal intensity, emotion, and changes in cadence. Even the meaningful pauses for breath are gone.
3. Because there are many things that seem obvious to you, who know the story, you’ll leave them out. When you say, “preparing for their trip.” That could be a trip to a different city, be a sea journey, a flight, or, one to another planet. You know. The girls of unknown age and background know, too. But who did you write it for? Shouldn’t they know?

And yes, you can say that reading more of the story will clarify. But readers won’t. Confuse your reader for a single line and they close the cover. Not good news, I know, but it is the situation we must deal with.

Bottom line: You’re writing this like a report, of the form: “This happened...then that happened...and here’s why it matters...then...” It’s how you learned to write, and practiced with endless assignments to write reports, which-are-nonfiction, as they readied us for the needs of future employers.

The approach of nonfiction is to have a narrator, who has no emotion in their voice but what punctuation suggests, talk about the events in summation and overview. Could the voice of the narrator be more distant when talking about the girls than by not even giving them names? Who cares what happens to "girl 1?"

Fiction's goal is to involve the reader, not inform them. We don’t talk about events and groups of people. In fact, the narrator isn’t in the story, only talking about it. So placing them on stage, front and center, kills all illusion of reality. But that’s the central attribute of fiction, and an absolute necessity. In fiction we make the reader identify with and care for, the central character in a given scene—the protagonist. Fail that and the reader walks away. Talk about “two girls,” and it’s a report.

The thing we forget is that colleges and universities offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing. Would they do that if the skills they teach weren’t necessary? Of course not. So, if you plan to write fiction—and I hope you do continue—you need to learn an entirely different approach to writing, one that’s emotion-based and character centric. Forget story details. They matter, but only only as far as what they motivate your protagonist to do or say in response.

Think of a conversation. Almost everything you say in a conversation is a reaction to what you hear and see, and, your understanding of that. Right? Well, that applies to what you do, as well. And the only way a reader can truly understand why your protagonist does and says is if we make that reader know the situation exactly as the character does. But since we're not even told that in school, it's one of the skills fiction writers need to learn.

So...you have the desire. You have the story. To that, you need to add the tools of the fiction writer. And while that may sound like unwanted work, learning about something you want to do is never a chore. It’s like going backstage at the theater, and filled with, “But that’s so...how can I not have seen something so obvious?

And once you master those skills, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun, as the protagonist seems to whisper advice and warnings in your ear. And till that happens, your characters aren’t real to either you or the reader.

As a quick-start boost, Use the link just below to read an article on, Writing the Perfect Scene. It outlines two critical skills that can make your reader feel as if they’re living the scene, not hearing about it.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Chew on the article till it makes sense. You might even look at the books that made you feel as if you were living the story, to see how that author used the technique.

And if it seems like something to know more about, the link below leads to an archive site where you can read or download an excellent book on the basics of giving your words wings.
https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

Sorry my news isn’t better. But since we’ll never address the problem that we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

Posted 1 Year Ago

This can’t work, unfortunately. First, you're presenting the words of someone unknown, speaking for unknown reasons. And THEN, you tell the reader who spoke it, which will provide a hint of how it should have been read, but, too late to be useful. In fact, most people will assume that it’s a Bible passage they're unfamiliar with  as they read, then learn they were wrong. That is NOT a good way to please the reader..

• Two girls sat close to the back of the church. They were friends who had planned to meet up that day before preparing for their trip.

I wish I had better news, but here is where you lose the reader—not because of talent, or how well you write, but because you’re trying to “tell a story” to the reader. And for reasons not obvious to the author, it can’t work.

1. When you read this story you already know who the girls are. You know their backstory, where we are in time and space, and, the way you would tell it to an audience. So for you, the performance is live and the narrator’s voice is filled with the emotion the reader can’t know to place there. Have your computer read it to you to hear how different what the reader gets is from what you intend them to “hear.”
2. Related to that, verbal storytelling is a performance art, where how you perform matters as much as what you say. Things like gesture, facial expression, and body language are stripped out for the reader, as is vocal intensity, emotion, and changes in cadence. Even the meaningful pauses for breath are gone.
3. Because there are many things that seem obvious to you, who know the story, you’ll leave them out. When you say, “preparing for their trip.” That could be a trip to a different city, be a sea journey, a flight, or, one to another planet. You know. The girls of unknown age and background know, too. But who did you write it for? Shouldn’t they know?

And yes, you can say that reading more of the story will clarify. But readers won’t. Confuse your reader for a single line and they close the cover. Not good news, I know, but it is the situation we must deal with.

Bottom line: You’re writing this like a report, of the form: “This happened...then that happened...and here’s why it matters...then...” It’s how you learned to write, and practiced with endless assignments to write reports, which-are-nonfiction, as they readied us for the needs of future employers.

The approach of nonfiction is to have a narrator, who has no emotion in their voice but what punctuation suggests, talk about the events in summation and overview. Could the voice of the narrator be more distant when talking about the girls than by not even giving them names? Who cares what happens to "girl 1?"

Fiction's goal is to involve the reader, not inform them. We don’t talk about events and groups of people. In fact, the narrator isn’t in the story, only talking about it. So placing them on stage, front and center, kills all illusion of reality. But that’s the central attribute of fiction, and an absolute necessity. In fiction we make the reader identify with and care for, the central character in a given scene—the protagonist. Fail that and the reader walks away. Talk about “two girls,” and it’s a report.

The thing we forget is that colleges and universities offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing. Would they do that if the skills they teach weren’t necessary? Of course not. So, if you plan to write fiction—and I hope you do continue—you need to learn an entirely different approach to writing, one that’s emotion-based and character centric. Forget story details. They matter, but only only as far as what they motivate your protagonist to do or say in response.

Think of a conversation. Almost everything you say in a conversation is a reaction to what you hear and see, and, your understanding of that. Right? Well, that applies to what you do, as well. And the only way a reader can truly understand why your protagonist does and says is if we make that reader know the situation exactly as the character does. But since we're not even told that in school, it's one of the skills fiction writers need to learn.

So...you have the desire. You have the story. To that, you need to add the tools of the fiction writer. And while that may sound like unwanted work, learning about something you want to do is never a chore. It’s like going backstage at the theater, and filled with, “But that’s so...how can I not have seen something so obvious?

And once you master those skills, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun, as the protagonist seems to whisper advice and warnings in your ear. And till that happens, your characters aren’t real to either you or the reader.

As a quick-start boost, Use the link just below to read an article on, Writing the Perfect Scene. It outlines two critical skills that can make your reader feel as if they’re living the scene, not hearing about it.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Chew on the article till it makes sense. You might even look at the books that made you feel as if you were living the story, to see how that author used the technique.

And if it seems like something to know more about, the link below leads to an archive site where you can read or download an excellent book on the basics of giving your words wings. 
https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

Sorry my news isn’t better. But since we’ll never address the problem that we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

Rating /100