Expressions of Depressions

      In the shadows of disturbia, I sought refuge in a city that never sleeps. Surrounded by drugs, prostitution, alcohol, man I've seen it all. Somehow I kept my distance from the terrible path but what's a young guy supposed to do in a country he wasn't brought up in. I eventually got sucked into the vacuum as trouble has a way of finding companions. After a few small jobs I could finally afford to rent a place in a better neighborhood but not with a clear conscience.That's when I met her the light at the end of a dark tunnel, the refuge a stranded soul like me needed, to keep me on my feet, keep me alive. 

     She owned a house and was looking to sublet a room through an ad on craigslist, contact was made and the lease was signed. I had a roof over my head. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone, she and I would share a hot meal together some nights, share stories of struggles and life experiences. I felt more at home here than anywhere I have ever been, yet she still seemed a mystery to me. Now getting my life on track I got a cleaner job and started looking forward to having savings and a bright future was appearing in my short day dreams. The depression I constantly battled with started showing up way less and it was her kindness that led me here. Is it weird that I developed feelings for this girl, who's supposed to be my landlord and roommate. Would it be awkward if I confessed how I felt to her. How could I ever, no it could never be.. I mustn't but I did didn't I. 

     I told her randomly one night when we were smoking a joint and watching a television series. She giggled at first and said she loves me too, but then she looked at me as I just stared with all seriousness like I was peering into her soul and she asked me if I was not serious, was I. What do you think I said, "Of course not.. I was just being silly ya know" She had a sigh of relief and playfully punched my shoulder and giggled again."Thank Goodness"..her voice echoed in my ears for what seemed to be like an eternity. 

     I looked away and the soul crushing depression started rising up like a tsunami washing away my entire core, all this happiness that I mustered up all the good memories, whitewashed in an instant. I couldn't even sit still next to her, not at that moment, but I was too shaken up to move. I had to not only battle these feelings of overwhelming sadness and rejection but also remind myself to stay composed and not let her see me in my moment of weakness. Couldn't let her know that I was shattered into a million pieces, like a fragile man made of brittle glass with a fake exterior that posed hard. We watched the entire show and I kept at my routine of making her laugh, no clue how I could crack a joke during that rough time because heavens know I couldn't even swallow my own saliva. The ordeal ended, she went off to her room to crash and so did I depart to mine. 

     Thinking about work tomorrow, getting up..living, it all feels so troublesome again. What i'd give for some motivation in my life, something to live for, something that makes day to day worth the breaths I take. I can still picture that moment when my eyes closed remembering my mind tell me hope this is it, I don't want  to wake up. That's when I heard her scream, in that moment every emotion was at a standstill, my heart skipped a beat and I rushed out of bed and sprinted to her room with a gust of momentum I pushed open her door and I saw a man with a knife. My eyes didn't forgive the sight of his face but they constantly searched her room for a sign of her and that's when I saw her lay besides the bed holding her abdomen with blood gushing out. Like a freshly gutted trout she laid there, sudden trembles and then nothing.. motionless. The smell of blood choked my nostrils as I was consumed with shock and I had to react, "F**k!".. I had to scream, run, fight.. my mind was bombarded with so much information all this in a matter of seconds as he came charging towards me with the very same knife that took away from me what I have been searching for, what I've been longing for.. what made me feel human.

    Then the man took a swing and stabbed me and I cracked the reflection. The mirror broke and I fell to my knees with knife in hand, her blood on my fingers as I released the grip and the knife fell to the floor. All I could do was hold my eyes with disbelief. What have I become? I need to search for a home again, for a friend again.. I want this depression to end. In the dark side of a good town I found myself taking refuge in a city that never sleeps. 

Reviews

[ms. barrie]

Amazing write, Keegan...great flow, emotional despair within the psyche
Of the protagonist's mind...the torment, etc. This story at least for me
Kept me enthralled...very gripping! As always your immense talent for putting
An electrifying tail spin (plot twisted); in a story so subtlety, is again, amazing.

I hope you continue with this. Thank you for sharing :)))

[KeeD]

Thank you so much, I know I fail at writing stories with the grammar and format and all.. I don't read a lot if any books..so I don't really know how to write a book. But thank you for being the only one to drop a review on this, means a lot!

[ms. barrie]

You're very welcome. As far as I can tell, there wasn't any glaring
Grammatical errors, I noticed & the format is an easy fix!
I disagree, you're a very talented
Writer (smh) - I don't know how to write a book either, just grocery
Lists :) - was a pleasure to read...keep it up :))))

[ms. barrie]

...p.s. it does seem you have the foundation in having talent to write books btw:)