Understanding Kee

      Ever wondered what goes on in someone else's head when they're alone? Well here is a taste of some of that thought with a little of my home grown philosophy behind it. It's not something a twenty three year old guy should be writing about in his spare time, other people my age are so successful, they're happy, got job security and so much going for them. What's Kee doing?, well Kee is feeling sorry for himself but enough of that. Why am I in this situation in the first place. I'll tell you why, let's start with relationships.

     My view on relationships has something to do with my understanding of the woman I seek to be with. Well duh, every person has to choose their ideal partner but it's different for me. See what attracts me to a woman is intelligence, beauty and wit. Well yeah most people have that, the girls around me in my country definitely do, they're beautiful, charming, intelligent and witty and it's not that i'm not attracted to them it's just that this tiny heart that beats inside my chest is the placeholder for love, a love which cannot be filled by the girls I see around me because I have imagined something else whiles growing up, something that I pictured my life being like. You would call this an immature naive mindset of a guy who can't snap out of his adolescent fantasies. But ever since I was a teen I have dreamt about being with a foreign girl, spending my life and marrying someone different, not from where I belong. It's has nothing to with color, cast, creed, religion it just has to do with what my heart imagined all these years. I want to have kids with this imaginary perfect woman, I want to have that happy life, grow old with her and still look at her like I do when I dream about her now even before meeting her. Since this is my journal and I have to expose my truths i'll lay out a brief description of what she's like. She's a lover of animals and kids, blonde haired and has beautiful eyes, she's not like me she's the opposite of me, she's outgoing and friendly. She doesn't like to hide me or isn't afraid to tell the world i'm her one and only. She's the girl that would make me feel wanted and special. Lately I have been on a mission to find romance, come closer to a search with this girl i have never met. I have been going through this sexually frustrated phase and calmed myself down by sharing intimacy with someone. Sex is something we all crave and seek from time to time, lately it's been on my agenda and I'm not the guy that goes out and picks up women, hell i'm not even the guy that goes out and asks girls on dates. I'm a really shy in my shell kind of guy. On the internet I have a voice, I have insecurities but they are blanketed with a keen sense of confidence that I can at least converse with people and expand a pool of friends that I might never ever meet or come in contact with but still mean the world to me. 

      But the problem with this whole intimacy thing is no matter how good it feels, I feel guilty after the fact. I feel like it's a temporary fix, it's what I craved but not what I wanted. What I want is to feel that cute vibe that someone is always with me, holding my hand, kissing my cheek, calling me for hours just to talk about our day . I've never really had that believe it or not, I have dated a couple of girls and i'm twenty three but I have never really had a girl that actually shared that kind of life with me. A girl that was so in love with me that I was part of her routine and so her life. I know it sounds sad and the truth is it is but it's my own fault after school I pretty much got consumed by gaming and I couldn't really put myself out there to meet other people not only girls but make friends who didn't share similar interests aka gaining stuff were side-boarded by me. So over a period of time I started losing my friends and growing deeper into my lonely pit but the games were such a distraction that I could never feel myself sinking into this bottomless pit of a breakdown. The girls that liked me stopped liking me, the friends I had didn't either I abandoned or they didn't want to be doing what I was doing and I couldn't be bothered socializing and going to parties with them. I always felt like an outcast, not realizing that I made myself one. So I decided not to feel sorry for myself and I countered this lonely feeling by getting close to people online, through games or social sites. Online dating a world of adventure and it was the world I dived into heart first. Searching everywhere for that girl I've imagined myself being with, sometimes even thinking I found her only to be let down and realize it wasn't anything like her. I believe when I do meet her we'd be friends, like amazing friends. She'd be busy with life and wouldn't have time to talk to me all day, heck she might not even be single but she'd think about me when we weren't talking and she'd find me on Facebook or any other social media and she'd message me just saying Hi or talking to me about something as simple as a song or what's life like in my country. She and I wouldn't be consumed by each other but there would be that lingering connection, the thought of each other and random intervals in the day. I smile just thinking about that, that I really don't see her as just someone I want to make my girlfriend, she's something of a best friend, someone who can give and receive attention and is just a genuine good person. So many people pretend to be something they're not, heck sometimes even I put on the mask of acting like I care when I'm actually so dead inside at the time. But that's exactly what I want to avoid, hypocritical maybe, but I just want to change that about romance, I don't want it to be forced or fake, I've waited so long to fall in love and I already feel like I'm going to wait forever anyways so whats the harm in actually waiting ya know? 

     I've been raised for almost 20 years in a family full of women. I live with my mother and sister, who I treasure. They're my pillars of strength and love but sometimes I feel i'm too sensitive of a man because of this. Girls like men with confidence and a guy who can protect them, I know I lack confidence in a lot of ways and when it comes to protecting someone I wouldn't ever hesitate but to express that to a girl is hard to do. I just don't know how to be boyfriend material and hence my lack there of a girlfriend. What lies ahead of me as the sun rises, I ask myself. Will I find her, the girl I dream about, the girl with no face but yet the girl who holds my heart. Would I never date at all and just adopt a child, a daughter I've always wanted one. Maybe she's the girl I dream about, my heart. I don't know there's so many questions I have left unanswered and the only person who can answer them is me, so i'm basically fucked cause I know nothing. One thing I know for sure though is even though online relationships never work out most of the time and my idea of love maybe flawed and is the reason for my unhappiness cause I can't be a man and go find a girl out here for myself, I do know she exists. The girl I dream about is real, she has to be and i'm pretty sure we've crossed paths, I don't know when, where, how.. but when it's meant to be she'll tell me. I'm trapped in my high tower of a life waiting for someone to save me from the dragon, the dragon of depression. Who will it be? 

Next Chapter on Your Kee, My Journal 

Moving out, suggestions?

 

Reviews

[ms. barrie]

would like to say..not everyone your age at 23 is automatically successful with their career, even being able to get/obtain a job.

You sound like you have your head on your shoulders correctly. relationships at any age aren't easy...no one is perfect, and everyone carries their own heavy emotional luggage on their backs due to past relationships, even relationships from their parents...that kind of hurt, just...lingers. and then people including myself, ha! open subconsciously, their suitcase up and boom, emotional hurts from their past. i'd like to think it doesn't happen all the time, but in my case it did, i realize now that it's cause of me.
so i chose now to be alone and just use my imagination, oh wait tmi? yes


that said, i agree that everyone and in a way it's normal for well i suppose for most people to have an "ideal" physical look that appeals to them, i know i do. Like you, i am rather fond of man (Well with how you feel about a girl/woman) who looks opposite of me...though i think my ex and i sorta had the same body type, similar hair color...i fell in love with him for him though.

at the age of twenty three...i was once there...there are a lot of choices to make, and doors to opportunities, jobs are again, hard to come by at times, regardless of where you live. perhaps, where you live it's harder for you, i honestly have no idea, i know here
it took me a long time to obtain one here in the USA...sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles. but i did what i could and stuck with it, got one. do i like it? it's not my dream job, mundane, but it's what i have to deal with, pays the bills, still feel i have to be frugal. it's my taurus moon.

intimacy love...luv/sex/bumping uglies... is of course something we as human crave, being biological, we all
are intoxicated by that "rush" of falling in love, meeting a person's eyes across the room, the little, well haha, "tingles" from sex, endorphins, are fun! we crave this more when we realize that we haven't had such intimacy for a while or perhaps worry if we'll be able to obtain so then we crave it more, obsess, seek out, and realize...wait...where is this true love?

It sounds like you and i know you have a good heart Keegan, and i know you're very
insightful. this "ideal" woman though, could be right down the block from where you live, perhaps maybe not your physical type but if she possess the same qualities you mentioned you long for in a lady, and loves you, appreciates you, respects you for you,
and is there for you, why miss that opportunity? On the opposite side of the coin, same goes for your ideal psychical type of lady. You just never know till it happens. I would not put so much pressure on this, thinking about it, it will...happen! When we want that in our lives at that moment, we just think it never will. And guess what, life has a sense of humor (rolls eyes) it really doesn't!

I am the same way...sensitive/shy. So i agree...it's not easy meeting someone new, even
a new friend. You sound like you have a wonderful Mother and Sister, and that it warms my heart to learn when i hear a guy respect and loves them as much as you do.

When you finally meet this person, whether of your own race/religion, etc. or not, it will be when you least expect it...just bam! there she is. Now if you feel she doesn't appreciate you for you, respect you, of course, vice versa, and feels she needs to hide you, etc. then obviously, she's not worth your time. How someone treats YOU regardless of being/sharing intimacy with them or even as a friend, tells you something, leaves you clues. I have every ounce of confidence you will find love, but no one, not even you will know when you'll find true love, like it said, it's like magic, it happens...perhaps walking
down to the coffee shop and oh my, there she is! Don't miss that opportunity and solely
stick to only this "ideal...physical time of lady" -- though i feel that it's great that you find women of all cultures, etc. very attractive and the qualities you mentioned sound
realistic, enough.


Thing is Keegan: ask yourself...what makes Keegan Happy, (besides gaming), cause
till you find out, and do what makes whatever makes YOU happy, so when you find
this person you meet and love, etc. you can both be happy...you pretty much,
i think answered many of your own questions in ur journal. No one knows when or who
will be able to rescue you from that dragon in the tower, you'll have to wait and see.
In the meantime, enjoy life, keep writing and trying to chase down your dream
(besides your dream lover!) they will come! :)

- BarrieJoy

[KeeD]

The question you have to ask yourself is:

"What does Keegan want to do at this time in my life?
What makes ME happy, so when I Do find
My love, I can make HER happy as well, so we can BOTH be happy,
Intimacy wise and otherwise."
this is really something I have to work on asking myself and figuring out the answers. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and give me such an insightful and helpful review that when I read it I can reflect on it and it will help me on my quest to becoming a better person and understanding myself and how I choose to live life. Much love BJ, -CM.

[Dye]

Well first of all I would love to commend you for putting yourself out there like this. For someone that is 23 you seem like you have a good grip on who you are, which is half the battle. You are still young however and you have time to find the love of your life ;) Most men at 23 can't string together a few sentences so I wouldn't worry about not being were you think "you should be" in life. It is good to have an idea of what and who you are looking for but don't blind yourself by your ideals, you might run by the right person and look past them only to find that they were exactly what you wanted. I speak from experience (this is where I get all "listen to me, I'm old and wise"LOL). I was in an 11 year relationship that I was very happy in for 7 years only to find that I was the only one happy--- no, not poor me. It sucked! But because of life experience which comes with time I learned what I wanted and what I needed etc. blah blah blah. I found the love of my life, because he put himself out there like you are doing. There is nothing wrong about not being that "alpha-male" type, women might say they want or need this but they really just want someone that will put them on a pedestal and treat them right and who knows there way around a bedroom ;) Don't get me wrong, confidence is important but it doesn't mean you have to be a cocky a*s to be that way. When you meet someone, put yourself out there, tell them what you want and who you are and if they don't like it, then move on. I meet my hubby online dating, I almost broke up with him because he didn't want more kids...I almost left the love of my life for not seeing where things would go. We now have 4 kids together because his goals changed. So don't get to stuck on what you think you might want, goals change when you are with the right one. You sound like a great man with a huge heart that will treat a women with respect. You are the type of man that most women want. Don't give up, you are still young my friend, I was 32 when things settled in place for me and I thought I was a lost cause. I didn't mean to type up a chapter, I just wanted to share my thoughts and let you know that I think just from reading your post that you are an amazing person to put yourself out there like this. :)

[KeeD]

This is exactly why I treasure friends online so much cause they understand they get it, they never invade your life but they are there to put the pieces together. You typing this reply first of all was so sweet and your advice will not go on deaf ears, I know that by me looking for this girl who doesn't even have a face or i'm not sure even exists. I've liked a lot of girls but every time I think i've found the right one something happens or they fall in love with my friends or break my heart.. it's like all the negatives in my life have made me positively search for this girl i dream about and never give up. Thank you Dye, you're a beautiful friend and i'll treasure our friendship forever.

[FlatLineBeauty]

Kee, I just wanted to say thank you for letting people take a peek inside your world. I wanted to give you a few opinions that I think myself about some things you said.
I feel i'm too sensitive of a man because of this. Girls like men with confidence and a guy who can protect them, I know I lack confidence....
You may lack confidence, but the thing is sometimes men take it to far and get cocky, which is the most unattractive quality there is along with bragging 24/7. Personally, I like a man who can be sensitive, because it shows he has a heart and a caring nature...
Another thing I liked is how your mom and sister mean the world to you, Men that hold their mother and sisters high are the guys who make the best husbands... How you treat your mom and sisters is how you will treat her one day. Yes, your dream girl exists and she is out there somewhere, that I can promise. They say nice guys finish last in love, and sometimes its true, but not always. Some girls are young and get deceived by guys that aren't so nice. Then when they are with them they feel trapped. I know its hard to wait, trust me I do, but just imagine in the end when you finally find her! It will be so worth the wait! They say the best things in life are. I also think that its not silly to want to be with a girl from a different country or nation, in fact I think its the perfect way to show others that you can love someone no matter the differences. Kee, Keep dreaming and when you find that girl hold on and never let her go! I'll cheer for you the entire time!

[KeeD]

:D that's the sweetest thing ever. I love having you around, that's reply was super sweet and made my day, thank you.