Eternal Damnation (Part 2 of the Elise Solberg Story)

Part two as her journey continues, should I keep writing?

Eternal Damnation

Elise boarded the one way ferry

The sight she saw next was indeed scary

There were young boys and girls with no expression

Sitting by the banks dying of starvation.

She looked away as tears rolled down her face

She screamed, "What is this cursed place?"

The water was so dark and murky;

The trees were hollow and the atmosphere lurky.

Her destination over as she reached the lair,

Terrified she whispered, "Is there anyone there?"

A creature appeared out of the night

Something just wasn't right.

It had a face of a ghoul but with human hair

Eyes like amber and a stench no one could bare.

It gestured her to follow into a dark sickening cave

And pointed at an empty grave.

The Tombstone said Elise 1997-2012

That's when it struck her, she was in Hell.

Author's Note

Any help appreciated, I'm passionate about writing and want to learn so I can better myself and my style of writing. xoxo

Reviews

[Eric Cox]

A very cool write. Advice: the last line would be better with a stronger punch to it, keeping "That's when it struck her, she was in Hell" but placing a strong image somewhere within "she was in Hell". You're definitely good at writing, this was penned well, has excellent rhyming, creativeness, strength, and imagery.

[KeeD]

Thanks so much for this Review Eric as always your reviews are what fuels my passion and look forward to learning to become a better writer just by observing your work.

[Eric Cox]

welcome!

[KAOlmsted]

Poor Elise. How can children die of starvation if they are already dead?

[KeeD]

In Islamic holy books I read a passage on some site that they describe hell as something where the sinners are deprived of their most loved things, like greedy children would starve day and night only to repeat the process the next day, rapists would be exposed to graphic images and then have their sexual parts cut off repeatedly.. it's all the gory aspects of hell. But yeah I guess it is an ironic sentence :p

[KAOlmsted]

Ah well...then it makes perfect sense. I appreciate your clarifying. Now it's only ironic to people who don't know :-D

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

As I read this, I already pictured her dead, like as a ghost. Pale face and with a scared expression on her face. The ferry part somewhat reminded me of Hercules when he was down with Hades and Cerberus. It's still good and eerie, still creepy :)

[KeeD]

xD Yeah, I love that you've seen all those movies. Gah you're cool :)

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

What can I say, I love horror and I love fantasy. Born and raised in a fantasy land.

[KeeD]

Have you read my recent collab with one of the horror pro's on this site "CREEPER" , its called flight 5150, I just wanna know if you liked the plot :D

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, but I'll be sure to. And by the way, speaking of collaborations, would you want to do one sometime with me?

[KeeD]

Of course, We could spring ideas of each other through messages or skype or any means convenient to you. It would be lot's of fun, I enjoy your work as well!

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

That would be wonderful! And yes, I have skype, though I don't cam on it, just IM since my internet always f***s up and has bad conneciton. We could IM on there sometime if you wanted to talk about ideas. I'm on right now. And I've had trouble with inspiration and ideas lately, so perhaps you could help me out a bit. Haha.

[KeeD]

Haha for sure, yeah I don't cam either, People Run away faster then LOL and yeah fo sure, we'll bounce ideas, have a fun time :) i'll msg you my skype name

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

Okay, sounds wonderful! Can't wait to get started!

[Andie]

Don't doubt yourself! You're a better writer than you think. And these poems are amazing. :)

[KeeD]

Thank you so much

[KeeD]

your kind reviews motivate me to keep writing and keep challenging myself to get better. xoxo

[Andie]

Aw, you're so welcome. It's my pleasure, really. :)

[Rob Santana]

This is really good. Why don't you turn this into a full story. Continue her hellish experience. Just a suggestion.

[KeeD]

Hey creeper, was waiting for you to review this since you're so experienced in the genre, I've been working on part 4 and 5, part 3 being uploaded on here. I've never written a story, not sure how to, to be honest. So I decided to make it into a poetic series. But I'll definitely do a quick study and I might just make it into a story, thanks for the review much appreciated. Hope you can get the time to read part 3 and give me your opinion on it, much respect! - kee

[Rob Santana]

Oh no doubt I will read the other part! I like your style of writing brother.

[Frieda P]

Wow, that was really good, the ending took me by surprise and so gruesome. I like how your poetry reads like a story, and I'm envious that you can rhyme with such fluiditity, I do not possess that talent.

[Frieda P]

You just might turn me into a fan of this genre. ;-)

[KeeD]

I know you can't see this, but I'm smiling and blushing so hard right now. I love your reviews haha, I'm not sure if I overkill it with rhyme but I don't know any other way of writing it, until I learn new techniques on my own through experience I guess i'll have to keep this up :D. Well I hope I do, you've turned me into a fan of your work for sure.

[Tasha]

You are a fantastic writer, this series just keeps getting better and better.

[KeeD]

thank you, i love your reviews. You're such a strong support, you keep my passion for writing fueled. Thank you!!!

[Tasha]

You're very welcome! I'm glad I can help!!

[Hali Abern]

I like this series of poems. Good job! I would keep reading them.

[KeeD]

Thank you, your support fuels my passion for writing.

[David the writer]

I like this, but I feel it could be improved if you described the ghoul-like character a bit more, and feed more into the girl's fear. But this is still good, it just needs a lil improvement. Maybe try describingh hell just a lil more... that's all I can think of to strengthen the poem. The series so far is great