Footprints on the inside

This Sunday a year ago my life was to change forever.

I had suffered two miscarriages prior to being pregnant with you. I've never made it beyond 3 months with a pregnancy. I remember I was very ill and I got dressed to go to the gym but I was in too much pain so I diverted and went to the doctor instead. I explained my back pain and headaches to the doctor and he decided to do a pregnancy test. I laughed when he suggested it because my mind was no where close to thinking about that even though my partner and I were still trying and I was just leaving it up to God.

The nurse did my urine test and happily announced "you're pregnant". She saw the bewildered look on my face and so she asked a question as if to understand whether I was trying or if I was happy about it. I was over the moon but in the back of my mind "here we go again" was all I could think of.
I told myself I won't get emotionally attached until I was further into my pregnancy. Previous pregnancies I had thought about my nursery, crib, travel systems, went clothes shopping online, names (even without knowing the sex) I'm a bit weird like that. You show me a pin and I will find a million uses for it.

Anyway I decided not to tell my husband at first but I couldn't keep it for a minute after he got home. I told him, he called his boss and had arranged to take me back home. Because of my history we thought it best I returned to Home as Norwegian doctors don't see you until you're 3 months in. I flew back that same week, saw my obgyn and took it from there.

It wasn't the easiest pregnancy not because you made it difficult but my mind was in constant turmoil knowing I could loose you any minute. I couldn't enjoy the experience and would never adhere to an appointment as I would eagerly return to the doctor before my next visit. It had gone beyond 3 months now and slowly every day I feel myself falling more and more in love with you. You made everything in my life beautiful. No matter how hard my day was you were my motivation and my peace.

Months went by and now I was becomming more and more excited. I couldn't wait to see you. 6 months had passed and now I was certain no matter what happens I would have you. I guess God had other plans. That Sunday Oct 5, a day I will never forget. I can't delve into details but we both know what happened.
I am mightily grateful for having been given the chance to meet you.
My little angel has returned to the fold.

I remember once I got out the shower and my breast milk would run, and I stood there thinking if you're hungry, what you're doing, if you're ok. Your eyes weren't open but somehow I feel you can see me now.

A person that looses a spouse is a widow, a child that loose a parent is an orphan but there is no words to describe a parent that looses a child.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART Dane Emmanuel (God with us) Richards �'��'�🏽