Ramblings of a madman #1

Something that happened to me.

We're all preys to love. We wander through the deserted corridors of our life and then suddenly a door opens. You're invited in. Music, more beautiful than any tune you've ever heard in your godforsaken life, plays in your ears. You're dancing, you're singing, and more important, you're not doing it alone. She's there with you. Your muse, your teacher, your student, your inspiration. Another sip and the illusion continues. Mustn't let anyone see. How could they see? Oh so blind are the ignorant! You can not see. I can't let you, and you can not. I'm rambling, I wonder, or am I? Her smile passes in front of me and I seem not to care. It shatters me not to care. I don't care much for the drama right now. I just hate the people who turn a blind eye. Another sip. Another step further away. Some pretend to see. I danced in the gardens with her, how could they have seen? I kept quiet. I was behind the wall. Ever the walls. The safety of them, how could I not have trusted them. I took her inside. But now I'm whining, screw this wining. Take me outside. Let the whole world gaze upon me and drink in laughter at my anguish. Let me fall prey to their vices and let me suffer. I welcome the cross. I sip again, I take in more of the stuff. Nothing dances before my eyes yet, and all I feel is disappointment. I can feel my heart, and it doesn't feel heavier. But it is heavier all the same. I want to talk. To scream. To go out and grasp someone by the arm and say: "Hey, LOOK AT ME!". But who am I? I can't even say. I was something. A glimpse of a man? Or a glimpse of something less. Or more, God only knows. And even he, I imagine, must be confused beyond all comparison.

Hah. Love, my arse. I wish I could not believe in it. I want to wander those corridors and know that every door will be closed to me forever. To stand beneath a rainy sky and shout at the clouds, cursing the gods for not granting me this one beauty in life: Love. But here I am, but a boy, a mere boy, cursed all the same as I would be without. To call it by its name would be pointless. Love is a man-made word. What value is there in it? I marry a woman and say I love her a thousand times. The thousand-and-first time it won't matter as much as it will have the first time. Love, as we know it, is a delusion.

We're all stuck in that house, and God I need another drink. I'm smiling but I'm trying not to drag my feet. Good lyrics, those are. I don't think you saw me. Bleep bleep. They're talking to me. People I want to talk to.. Symbolism isn't my thing you know. I want to scream out everything I want at everyone I meet. But that way I'll never get it. I danced without moving, and I did it comfortably, which is a VERY strange thing to say. I just wish I could dance without you knowing, and for you to still like it. I want you to see me happy, and to fall for me like no one's fallen before, but your beautiful empty eyes can never see, they can only see lies, and I am and always will be a man of truth.