Abandoned Hope

I had to do this for school... hope you guys like it

I sat in my room looking at the blank wall again. This is my 9th room this year. The almost familiarity was weird in how a new thing can seem so old when you’ve had so many of them in the last couple of years.  Well… at least that is how it is for me. You could say for the least that my life was a jumbled mess. I was used to it. It has always been like this, moving family to family, house to house. I had given up with putting things on walls and pictures on the desk because they would all be gone in a while. I looked at the clock it read 9:00 PM. I have just arrived at this house and didn’t feel like meeting my new “parents” yet. I shut my eyes and fell asleep.

Knock, knock, knock!

“It’s time to wake up”

Knock, knock, knock!

Maybe if I just stay here she will go away. I was wrong. The knocking and shouting persisted for what seemed like an hour. When my eyes finally cooperated with the voice outside and opened I saw the clock. 6:15 AM, you must be kidding me. It was so early. The shouting persisted until I finally got out of bed (almost tripping in the process). I opened my door and saw no one. I was confused until I looked down to see a short lady wearing pink. She smiled at me. 

“Hello, I’m Mrs. Peters,” she exclaimed cheerfully. A wide smile stretched across her white face, the tips almost reaching her blue eyes. Just great. I've had families like this one before. The mother was so cheery. That happiness wasn't the contagious kind which in turn would want to make you happy. Instead it was the kind that was irritating and had you thinking to yourself, why is she always so happy? Mrs. Peters' cheerfulness was the kind of irritation. I just stared at her and tried to make out what kind of mother she might be. It was then that I noticed a cross necklace around her neck. This cross was made out of diamonds and was most likely to be a gift from Mr. Peters. I looked up at her.

“Hi, I'm Alex,” I said with a fake but hopefully believable smile.

“Alexander, yes I know. What a nice name, how were things for your first night here. I didn't get to talk to you seeing how you went up to bed so fast”, she said

“Oh... it was um... good I guess, but Mrs. Peters I think I'll go get ready now.” With that she left and I returned to the sanctuary of my room. I took off the clothes I had on for that night and grabbed what ever was on the top of the pile of shirts, jackets, flannels, and jeans that were in my still unpacked suitcase.  I sat on my bed and stared out of the window beside it. The weather was a perfect symbol of how I felt then. It was cloudy and gloomy, yet the first bit of sunlight was peering through the clouds. The rays stayed there waiting for the clouds and gloom to engulf them or to break through and take over the sky. This family might just be the one. I immediately shook that thought out of my head. It was hard to believe that I would ever find the right home for me. The notion of false hope that previously clouded my head was pointless. What good was hope when you knew the thing you hoped for would never happen. 

I went down stairs and saw the new “family” sitting at the table. They seemed complete without me. Mom and Dad, sitting across from each other. A little boy and littler girl on the sides of them, just in arms reach if one of them decided to put their bowl of cereal on their head. I decided to just walk to school, so I quietly walked toward the door and left before any of them could notice me. 

The walk wasn't that far. School was only a couple blocks away and I had more then enough to occupy my mind on the walk there. When the wind started blowing I wished I had grabbed my thick black jacket instead of the thin gray cardigan I had on now. When I made it to school the bell had already rung and I casually walked to the office (thank you random maps of the school posted everywhere). The school was a typical school, long hallways with lockers lining both sides of it. The office lady, who by the way was a grumpy old lady who had no business working at a school, had given me my schedule and I went off to my first class. Every class was the same. The teacher made me stand up in front of the class and introduce myself, which I did as awkwardly as I could so no one would bother me. That plan worked... no one bothered me and I fell asleep in most of my classes. At the end of the day I went home and fell into a routine, wake up, ignore family, go to school, ignore everyone there, go home, go to my room and just lay in bed until the next day came.

It was almost two months with my routine not being interrupted except by “mom” wanting to talk (always irritating, the conversation was awkward and she eventually left). I ate in my room and rarely came out. It was even going well at school. No teacher was bugging me. I guess my new mom called and told them about my troubled past and they gave me a lot of slack. It was also my new record of being completely invisible at school, for two whole months nobody talked to me and I didn't have to talk to anyone. That was until one day my on- going record was broken by this boy. His name was Eugene. He wasn't exactly classified under nerd. He got good grades and wore glasses but other than that he wasn't nerdy. It wasn't like he went home to play Dungeons & Dragons everyday. 

It was a Thursday, I think... he came up to me with a big smile on his face which I returned with a irritated face that gave off the message “go away, I don't want to be bothered.” He continued on walking and I gave up and responded to him when he said hi. He was the kind of person who was really clingy (if that’s a word). He constantly ran to me when he spotted me in the halls. He would always ask questions and tried to see how I was doing. I always responded in the one word that stops him from asking me how I am... good. 

This continued for a couple of weeks. Then my entire schedule and routine was messed up. Those conversations with “mom” became more frequent and consumed more of my time. She even started requiring that I eat with the entire family. Just as I was starting to get into the motions of just being alive in this new home, things started to change. School changed a lot when one day I got really mad at Eugene. I yelled at him in the middle of the hall and told him to leave me alone. I could see him starting to tear, but I didn’t care. He has been right next to my side outside of my classes constantly talking and talking. It gets hard to tune out a voice like his. It was like a constant buzz in my ears. Thus the yelling began, I said some things unrepeatable in print and that’s when he just ran off, his face full of tears. I didn’t care. I never invited him to be my friend anyway. 

After that incident the lunch bell rang (a couple minutes late as always). I walked to the lunch room and found a table as far back in the corner as I could. 

“Finally I can be alone,” I said with relief

“How sure are you of that,” a voice said. I turned around and saw a boy wearing all black. He looked mysterious and dark; he had flat black hair that covered on of his eyes. His eyes were as dark as night. He sat next to me.

“So I heard you told off Eugene today,” he said

“Yeah I did... why?” I asked

“It’s okay don’t feel bad,” he said, “he can get really annoying sometime”

“Yeah that’s true I guess but...”

“But what?” he interrupted, “it was nothing trust me oh and by the way my name is Nyoka”

“Oh my name is Alex,” I replied

“So... Alex do you wanna come hang with me and some of the guys later on tonight?”

“Uh...,” I paused... I wasn’t the kind to randomly hang out with people.

“Come on, it’s only me and a small group of other guys. It would help cool off your head after what happened today”

“Fine,” I said and I gave him my phone number and he left. School continued in the normal way except with the absence of Eugene by my side. The new found quiet was kind of nice. I went home and waited for a text. While waiting I feel asleep

The phone ringing woke me up... the text read:

Alex meet me and sum of da boys @ da park 2 bulding dwn frm da skool we will b there in a cuple of mins .:NyOkA:.

I looked at my clock 11:30 PM. I paused for a while. Should I go? It’s so late. Maybe I shouldn’t go after all. It won’t hurt. You’re only going out, nobody cares about you anyway. That last thought stung but was true. I looked at the still unpacked suitcase. This time I was wearing my thick black jacket. I grabbed my black beanie too and I went out. I went slowly down the stairs careful not to make a single sound, closed the door quietly, and I ran to the park. I made it to the park at about 11:45. I looked around and found them... they were sitting on a park bench all the way in the far corner of the park. I walked to them quietly. I was glad I wore my jacket this time and my beanie or my entire body and head would be freezing. The cold was numbing to my arms. I could barely feel them when I got to the group of boys at the end of the park. The only way I could see them was the little fire they had going. In the orange light I could barely make out Nyoka. I went next to him. 

“Everyone,” he said,”this is Alex he is gonna hang with us tonight.” Everyone just nodded and barely acknowledged me as they all stood around the fire. Nyoka backed away from the fire and motioned me over there.

“Hey don’t mind them. They are always like that, they barely notice anything. Just take sometime around them and have a drink or two” Nyoka said.

“Okay,” I said and I returned to the group. I actually was getting kind of thirsty. I looked around for a cooler and found one under the park bench. I opened it and reached for a drink. I grabbed a green bottle and after looking at it immediately put it back (My life may have been messed up but I didn’t turn to alcohol for answers). Come on it’s only a little drink. I decided to take it. I opened the bottle and took a sip. I almost gagged. It was bitter. A little bit too bitter for me. I continued drinking. First it was one bottle, then the guys started to challenge me to drink more and more. Then blackness and nothing else.

I woke up with a massive headache. I looked around and almost instantly remembered where I was. I grabbed for my phone. It was missing. I looked around and everything was gone. The fire left no hint that it was there. Even my beanie was missing from my head. I got up and tried to walk. I couldn’t even make it a few steps without tripping over myself. I stumbled out of the park and on my way home. The worst thing is how thirsty I was. I thought I was going to die of dehydration when I finally reached home. 

As I entered the house I was greeted by an unexpected surprise. Mrs. Peters was there at the dining room table. She was waiting for me and what was worst is that she looked angry. I grabbed a cup of water and sat at the table. Her once nice and cheerful eyes were too hard to look into. I sat there like a criminal awaiting judgement from a ruthless judge.  It felt like hours until she finally spoke.

“Alexander,” I hate when she calls me that, “where were you last night and today?”

“I was uh... out”

“Out where... wait come closer,” she leaned over and I could feel her eyes search my face, “your eyes are red.” She stood up and slammed the kitchen cabinet. My head felt like it was about to explode and I let out a shout. “You’re having a hangover aren’t you?”

“Yes, why should you care” I replied trying to make her back off

“Because I was worried about you,” her tone changed from angry to caring, “so tell me, Alexander, where were you last night?”

“At the park”

“Were you drinking?”

“Uh....”

“Alexander, tell me now!”

“Yes” I replied as quietly as I could. That didn’t help she still heard me.

“That is it, give me your phone” 

I just stared at her. She stared at me back. “I can’t,” I said. Then I went on explaining everything to her. How I met Nyoka and even about Eugene. When I told her about Eugene she looks so disappointed. I told her everything.

“Alex, I appreciate you telling me everything but you leave me no choice,” this was it I was leaving again, “you are grounded and you are not to leave this house except for school, and you are to eat dinner with the rest of the family, and you are to actually socialize with your family.”

“But mom,” I stopped; I have never said that in a serious reference to anyone before. It was a shock to me just as much as it was shock to her, “It’s not fair.” I didn’t mind the staying home part. I never wanted to see Nyoka again after I woke up with my phone missing. It was the socializing part. I wasn’t ready for family. I knew that eventually it would become time for me to leave, so I never tried to be a part of anything. The only time I did try (last night) I woke up with a hang over and my things missing. She was shocked too that I called her mom and she just stood there. I didn’t know what to do. I went up to my room.

When I got up to my room I stared at my packed suitcase. It felt like it was staring back at me, begging me to pack it and leave. That didn’t sound like such a bad idea. It was inevitable that I was going to have to leave eventually, to hope for a home was futile. I’ve been kicked out too many times before. I was going to leave. It was better to just leave then have to be forced out by some stranger from child services anyway. I zipped my suitcase and waited for Mrs. Peters to go into the living room so I could make to the door unseen. 

The next couple days weren’t as bad as I thought they would be. The streets weren’t the horrible thing everyone makes them out to be. The loneliness actually comforted me. I had plenty of clothes in my suitcase. I could find food scraps (they weren’t really that good). Water fountains made a good source of water. I didn’t even go to school at all. Everything was fine... that only lasted for the first week or two. Then everything went downhill.

It started with my supply of clean clothes slowly dissipating. Then scraps were getting less and less common. The worst part were these feelings, these feelings were ones that were unfamiliar to me. They tugged at my heat and made my heart heavy. These feelings made me regret leaving the old home. These were so weird to me. I hated them. They caused me to lie in whatever bed I could make and remember everything I’ve went through.

So many supposed families went through my head. Mr. and Mrs. Lee were nice... not really. They welcomed in with open arms. I was actually excited back then to be chosen from the orphanage. One day they left me home alone and I got hungry. In the process of trying to make me food lets just say things were dirty after. They told me to get into the car and they returned me back to the orphanage. I overheard what they told the lady working the desk. They said that I was too much to handle. They said that I was a wreck and that I would do nothing good. That night I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling.

After that incident I learned not to get my hopes up. It was years after I was chosen again. This time it was by a single woman. I didn’t even bother to learn her name. I barely left my room (that’s probably where I developed that habit). She took me back too. This time the reason was different. She told me straight up that she only took me for the money that the government gave her for watching me (which she never actually did, she sort of just left me at home). After that I lost any hope for an actual family. Years went by... so did different families. Every one of them gave me back for a multitude of different reasons. After the first few just giving me back when I didn’t do anything bad at all I just quit at trying to show my new families that I was a good boy and that they should keep me. In all of these memories my eyelids grew heavier.   The starry sky above my head seemed to cast a spell of sleepiness upon me and I obeyed it completely. My eyelids succumbed to the weight and shut.

Family... Love... Mom? No I can’t be. I don’t have a mom. Love? No there isn’t such a thing. Family? Mrs. Peters? No! Noo! Nooo! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I woke up in an alley way. Those dreams were more common now. Every time I have them they haunt me. My shirt was damp from yesterday’s rain. My pants were too. My stomach growled. I missed home cooked food... they sure did beat the scraps I find. It was getting dark and I’m not so sure why but I went to visit my former home. I wasn’t ready to go home so I looked through a window. What I saw made tears gather up in my eyes for the first time. Why did I care so much? It was Mrs. Peters on her knees praying. I could hear her words and that is what hit me the most. She was praying for me. I listened closer.

“God, please find Alex. Please help him I beg of you. Your word says you make all things work together for your good. Why did you allow him to leave? Why did you allow him to go with the wrong crowd? I know you work in mysterious ways but sometimes I can’t help but ask why? Did he not know that we genuinely care for him? Even little Ryan and Emma ask about him. I miss him. Will you not hear the cry of a mother’s broken heart? Please Lord... hear my cry!”

That was it I couldn’t handle it anymore. The fact that tears were coming out of her and my eyes didn’t help either. I went back to my alley way, maybe family and love did exist. Maybe she did care about me. She was praying for me even after everything I did to her. She cared. She really cared, and I broke her heart. Just then my own heart stung. Did I have a mom? I was just so confused. My mind couldn’t handle it. I went to bed.

Family... Love... Mom... maybe they did all exist. If they did then what did I do? I broke my mother’s heart. I broke my family’s heart. I even hurt Eugene. How could I live with myself? What have I done?

I woke up... my body sweating yet I was still cold. I was led to do something I have never done before. I prayed... 

“God, I have never spoken to you but I have so many questions and I know you have the answers. I know you know the questions... so please answer them. Amen”

The next day I put on the cleanest clothes I had left and I went home. To an actual place I could call home (you have no idea how much of a big deal that was. A place that I could truly call my home. I had a place where people hopefully genuinely cared for me). I stood outside of the door for a long time wondering whether or not they would really have open arms to my return. So many questions ran through my head. Did they really love me? Would they forgive me? Would the accept me? I was so confused. Eventually my hand went up slowly and pressed against the doorbell. The familiar ding-dong resounded through- out the entire house. I waited then I could hear the unlocking of the door and then it opened. There stood my mom... her face in astonishment. I gave her a hug and whispered mom in her ear. She nodded.

“Alex I am your mom now,” she said with tears running down her face.

“I know that now,” I said with tears running down my face too.

“Why did you come back?” she asked.

“Because I heard you ask God for me too... and I realized that you actually cared!”

“Alex, of course I care, I know you have a past but don’t let that past dictate your future!”

“Thanks mom,” that word had such a nice ring to it.

“Your welcome,” she smiled, “Now why don’t you come and see the rest of your family.”

I hugged each and every one of them. Ryan was cute with his wet slobber kiss on my cheek. He even tried saying “welcome back Alex” which came out of his mouth more like “welcum bak Aleex.” Emma hugged me as tight as she could and I squeezed her in turn and she laughed. I looked at her. Her big blue eyes were staring right into mine. She was adorable and I felt so bad for doing anything that caused them any pain.  Even my new dad was happy to see me and he called me son the way a caring father does. As the weeks went by I knew more and more that this family was the one. They accepted me with all of my mistakes and my past. Ryan and Emma constantly wanted to play with me and I didn’t mind spending time with them. I even asked my mom why she prayed for me. Her answer was simple yet it sufficed. It was because I love you.

My suitcase was finally unpacked and all of my clothes put into my closet. My closet was surprisingly full. It was so much easier to find different pieces of clothes now. Mom bought me a new black beanie to replace the stolen one. I even got a new phone and was put under the family plan. With the new assurance that I was here to stay I put a couple of pictures on my desk. One of them was of Ryan and Emma smiling at the park. Another one was a family portrait that we took one day. My desk was full of papers too. My grades skyrocketed after everything that happened. Mom got me a new laptop to do all my homework on. My desk had more papers, pens, pencils, and erasers on it then the total amount of things I had before meeting my true family. 

My wall wasn’t blank anymore either. It was covered in posters, pictures, and anything else you could put on a wall to personalize it. I had a huge white board on it and a cup with every color dry erase board pen you could think of. I found out that I wasn’t that bad of an artist. I drew on the board a lot. A lot of the paintings on my wall were painted by me. However, there was one poster in the middle of wall that stood out the most. I made sure of that.  

That poster read this:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose- Romans 8:28

Author's Note

I had to write this for a school project... it might be a litle rushed

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good story. I like the interaction of the character. The story was interesting. I like the pace of the story and the positive ending. A excellent story. Thank you.
Coyote

[trainwreck]

"She was the kind of happy that made you wonder.. why is she always so happy?" and I really liked this. Great job Keala!