Insomnia

An ongoing piece, first draft. Comments would be wonderful.

 

Each night you come and visit me, while all around is quiet.

You break into my room to whisper your shadowed heart;

Out!

 

Lying there I'll feel you, stroking my eyelids,

Your claw-like hands carressing my face.

Tired limbs cannot resist you, yet will not give in,

 

My tired mind persists in a quest to keep thoughts in,

Thoughout this though I lie here eyelids closing down,

 

Yet sleep cannot come to those who do not invite it round.

Reviews

[Pauline Marie Daley]

Wow, the image you create of insomnia is amazing. Really unique. Awesome job!

[Jessica M.]

insomnia as a ghost.
or maybe a physical being?
Nice characterization of a mental impairment.

[Michael X]

great poem but overwording with little to no use of power grammar,
i really like the concept and the idea of clawing hands,
with sharper wording and not overstating "my".. this poem could be
really hitting, as it is, it still draws the reader to ponder, nice job

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

A clever, succinct write. Well done. I am familar with this visitor at times. Thank you for sharing your talent.
Light,
Siddartha

[lauren emily]

Isn't insomnia great? lol. But actually, it can be because sometimes it inspires great writes like this one.
Keep up the good work,
~Lauren

[Alexa]

I like it very much, quite descriptive, keep writing great future ahead of you!

[midsummer]

I'd like to see more about why you're resisting sleep. Nice first draft.

This line is great: Yet sleep cannot come to those who do not invite it round.

Look forward to reading another draft.

Midsummer