A Lover's Note - If only this was reality

February 12, 2017

It's hard to guess gods intentions. Does he want us to take a break? Does he want me to keep trying to get you like I am now? Are we meant to be together? I've never been more sure of my feelings for someone. I'm so set on you. There's so much I wish I knew.. If we aren't meant to be together, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm so terribly sorry for taking away the most sacred part of you. I'm sorry for all the memories we've had because now they'll only weigh on your conscience as regrets. We've both thought how much of a blessing it was that we ended up together. We have talked about it many times. That's what makes this so hard, it's as if we had our whole lives planned out. It's hard to imagine a future that doesn't include our marriage. Our big, warm, pillow filled bed. I don't want to be 20 years down the line and still wake up without you by my side. I can't stand the thought of sharing myself with anyone that isn't you. You know me inside and out. Other than God, no one comes close to the knowledge you have about me. So let's go back, what if we had never met at mckennas? Would we both be with different people? Or would God still have brought us together. Would it have been later in life when we were both ready? Imagine me going to graduation for your class and seeing you, your bright and smiling face. You'd look like an angel from where I was. I'd do my best to find you after it was all over, I'd search through the hundreds of people scattered throughout. Finally I'd find you, I'd wait for you to take pictures with your friends, then I'd slowly approach. I'd probably bump into on accident, hitting my nose or something. You would apologize instantly, as you do and I'd say how it was my fault. I saw you from my seat as you took the stage, congratulations! I'm Keenan I'd say as I awkwardly put my hand out. You would fumble around your diploma and shake my hand. Your hands would be cold and it would most likely take me by surprise. We'd go back and forth, small talk of course. Then I'd ask for your number. You, always seeing the good in people would give it to me. I'd smile as I watch you type it into my phone. I'd go on later that day trying to piece some sort of message together. I'd settle with a simple "Hello, I'm that awkward guy who asked for your number earlier today". My heart would race as I pressed send. Every moment after was a struggle, "will she respond" "she's probably celebrating with her boyfriend" " was the message too weird?". A couple minutes would pass, finally my phone would vibrate. *Your name* phew! So things aren't going as bad as I thought. You'd say something about how I'm not awkward and you thought it was sweet that I was willing to do that. All night I'd try and get to know you. The simple stuff. Favorite color, favorite music genre, best friend, celebrity crush, favorite candy, soda, you know how it goes. The night would end like any stranger conversation would, someone would fall asleep.. Most likely you, but I'm not pointing fingers. ;) The next day I'd burst out of sleep. I'd roll over to see a text from you saying how sorry you were for falling asleep. Then it'd lead to the general "how'd you sleep" type of conversation. The time in between texts would span out as the day progressed, cause who is THAT dedicated to talking to someone they just started talking to? Days would pass, we'd talk a lot but it wasn't anything huge. We might follow eachother on Twitter or something. Then we'd really talk. We would have our first conversation with meaning like we did so many nights ago. I would see the most beautiful part of your soul. I'd get a true look at the mind of this amazing girl. It was addictive, talking to you. My heart would begin to race as I saw your name pop up on my phone. I couldn't wait to read and reply, read and reply. This would continue for so many nights leaving us exhausted for work the days after. But we wouldn't care, this connection was far too great to pass up. Eventually we would hangout, just like we did before. I'd be awkward, you'd be awkward. We would have the worst time trying to talk about things. Someone who makes you feel all kinds of good over a phone will leave you absolutely speechless in person. So the awkwardness would continue on, maybe we would loosen up a bit as the night continued. No idea what we would do, but it would be fun. As we got into my car to take you back, I'd feel rushed. I didn't talk to you as much as I wanted.. I haven't said all the things I've been thinking ALL NIGHT LONG. I'd look over at you as I begin to speak to find you already fixated on me. Your gorgeous glowing eyes in the light of other cars driving by. I'd tell you what a wonderful time I had and instantly apologize that I'm so bad at talking to you. You'd would respond with a smile and say it's okay. Your words would reassure me and give a tiny boost of confidence to me. I'd smile back with I'm sure a bright red face. I would continue on saying how I really like you. I want to spend more time with you and although this was the first time we've really hungout, it's like I've known you my whole life. You would stare back at me hearing the sincerity in my voice. In an understand, but cautious way you would say we need to be friends for now. I would be hurt, but I'd understand aswell. We need to continue to grow and be closer as friends before we take this step. I'd drop you off at your house, walk you up to your door and hug you. We would separate and I'd stare at you, already in love. I'd ask for one more hug before I left and you'd grant my wish. As time does, it goes on. We talk every day, practically every moment we can. Things would be amazing, even as friends. I'm sure by the time a few weeks passed we will have made up our minds. I'd want nothing more than to kiss you. To feel yours embrace mine. I'd tell you and you'd probably agree. So we'd go on a date. We would go mini golfing, I'd lose, of course. Then I'd ask where we should get food. You would respond with "you choose". We'd drive around for a while, naming places until we reached Cafe Rio. Ahh, good ole Cafe Rio. Sweet pork meant for truly blessed humans. We'd eat and chat for a while. After eating it would still be pretty early so we would go to my house. As we walked in I'd apologize for the mess and the lack of things to do. You'd say something along the lines of "well I like movies, games, coloring, etc." I'd then say how much I love movies, so that's what we would do. I'd pop it in, a scary movie of course. I mean I have to atleast try to get you to sit closer to me. The opening credits would begin, I'd look at you, you'd look at me. Time would be irrelevant as we stared deeply at one another. In unison we'd lean in and kiss. One turned to two, two turned to three. The same situation we were in the first time we hung out. It'd be like magic. A blessing from God. You know, we'd be really happy. Like every relationship we would have our problems, but what are problems to love? What are problems to problem solvers? What is impossible for God? Maybe a year or two from this we would be married. Living together, sharing every moment we could together. There would come a time that does in every relationship where we think back on our lives before it all. What if we met before we were supposed to? What would have happened? Were we mature enough? Were we simply not ready? I intend to find out. No matter how long I have to wait, I will. Before the end of my days I will answer that question. One day in my life I will roll over in the morning and find you there next to me. I will better myself today, so that when tomorrow comes, I will be ready for you.