You know that moment when you’re lost in you’re own thoughts and you’re just staring off into the distance, youre in a cloud with nothing else but you. It’s somewhat quiet, you’re alone. In your mind at least, for me its always been my favourite way to escape. Escape from all thats surrounding me, my struggles in this life, my regrets, but most of all, him. Yes, all of my inner thoughts are still very loud sometimes so loud that its deafening, but its bareable at least. In those short moments the world feels a little quieter and I feel at peace. I just feel myslef floating off to wherever my mind wants to take me.
And then suddenly something or someone grabs my attention, im back in the chaotic life that is mine. I realise I’m stuck, no longer floating off on my own, no longer at peace
“I love you” he mutters, enough to get my attention. I flinch, but quickly smile at him as though its so nice to hear those words come from his mouth, even though deep down I feel as though I dont want to be here..
“I love you too” I convincinly let him know, hoping he buys my fake affection.
I often think back to the moment I first met Cole, His eyes are what had me, the lightest green, most kindest yet mysterious eyes I have ever seen. His lips, how they would curl at the side of his mouth as though there was the slightest hint of a smile. How his light brown-gingery hair curled at the ends. At the time, I felt he was exactly what I needed, he was what I wanted. I fell in love with the person I was when he was around. I felt motivated for the first time in years, I wanted to better myself, to prove that I was worth it. Of course that feeling always left my body as soon as he left to go home.
Truthfully I was the opposite to what he saw, I remember as soon as he left that day, I took a deep breath as though I was holding it the whole time. I remember how it saddened me.
Now when I look at him now, I see the want in his eyes. Cole had always had only the best things in his life. He grew up in a perfect house and had very well put together family, he had the one thing in his life that I desperately needed the most. A sense of security. It was what he was conditioned to, therefore thats what he expects and thats what he needs. I get a strong sense that its not me he desires. The real me at least. He wants that girl who I was, the fake one. The girl who he fell in love with. He doesn’t even need me, or know the real me. But I’m still here. Doing my best to keep up the charade, pointlessly watching my life pass me by.
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