Broken

*WARNING* Involves certain content which addresses eating disorders and self harm

Everyone wants to take the credit, but no one wants to do the work. Vivi wasn't everyone else, she was ready to do the work. She would do whatever it would take to reach her goals no matter what it was. Though she was only a freshman in highschool, she always succeeded at anything she set her mind to. She was the biggest perfectionist that anyone in her family had ever seen. Her friends knew that they could depend on her if they needed a paper edited, or a room cleaned. Some say she had a bit of OCD, some called her crazy, I called her my best friend, and this is her story.

I can't tell you the first time I remember Vivi telling me that she had been called fat. I've known her since we were in kindergarten, and she has come crying to me about people bullying her since before I can even remember. She never believed me, but she was the most beautiful girl I had ever known, and I loved her. My only regret is that I never got a chance to tell her that. Her long brown hair hung just below her breast line, and she had the most clear skin with the exception of her perfectly placed freckles which scattered across her face. Her vibrant green eyes put the stars to shame.

It all started at the playground. You don't know much when you're six, but you know you want to make friends. Thats the thing with being young, you can be friends with anyone. It's such a simple time, you know? It is a time where it doesn't matter if you are fat, thin, smart, dumb, or if your mother dresses you funny. It doesn't matter if you are a boy or girl, when you are as young as we were when we first met, you just become friends with anyones. That is the beauty of being in kindergarten.

I remember the very first day I saw her. I clearly remember that she was wearing a purple velvet dress, and her hair was tied up in a bun. Purple had always been her favorite color, and she preferred to wear her hair up. Her smile was just as beautiful then as it was when I last saw her. She was playing alone, and something about her attracted me to her, so I approached her and asked her to be my friend and if she wanted to play with me. Nothing more, nothing less, those simple words are what started it all. We played that entire recess, pushing eachother on swings, playing tag, and hide and seek. That lovely September day started it all.

Things change as you get older though. The simpleness of kindergarten dies, and everyone starts focusing on every other thing. You have to critique yourself just to see if you can measure up to what everyone else thinks that you should be. You have to have the right clothes, know the right people, eat the right food, like the right music. Everything you do has to be right. If you have your own opinion, or happen to like something even slightly out of the ordinary, it puts you in a place where people victimize you and think they're better than you. Since when is being like everyone else the way you want to be? Whatever happened to originality?

This story isn't about how we met, or how much I loved her. This is about how the cruelty of society breaks down people until they can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror. Have you ever had that feeling? That feeling of emptiness, and loneliness. That feeling of being forgotten. Does that sound familiar? Try feeling that way every day. Being reminded everywhere you go that you just aren't good enough, and no matter what you do you never will be. Would you want to live with yourself? If you answered no, then maybe you can just barely start to begin to feel what my best friend felt.

On the first day of school freshman year I remember that I was just as nervous as the rest of my class. A new school, a new setting, and a brand new beginning. I was in my room trying to figure out what to do with my hair when I heard my mother scream down the stairs.

“Stanely! You're going to be late, it's your first day, hurry it up!” She said in such an assertive yet caring tone. My mother has been raising me on her own since my dad died in 2001. That was 15 years ago, I was only two years old. I don't know how she does it on her own, but she has always managed. She works full time as a waitress at the city diner, but she does an even better job at making sure I am always taken care of. That woman has so much on her plate, it's a wonder how she handles it all. So we got in to our car and mom drove me to school. As we approached I froze, but I knew I had to take it all in.

The first thing I saw when I walked in to that hell hole will burn in my brain until my heart stops beating. I was walking down the main hallway trying to get to my first class, and there was Vivi. She was at her locker fumbling with the combination, and her lock dropped out of her hands. She bent over to pick it up and two upper classmen slapped her on the butt, whistled, and said those nine disgusting words.

“I like a woman with meat on her bones!” They laughed and walked away as if nothing had even happened. They had startled her, so she dropped her books and all of her supplies was scattered all over the floor. I knew the bell was about to ring, but helping out my best friend was way more important than making it to class on time.

“Hey beautiful!” I greeted her while kneeling down to help her pick up her stuff. She blushed, smiled and said hello to me as well. We held light conversation about how guys are pigs and how nervous we both were for this new year, though neither of us would ever admit it.

“What class do you have first?” I asked her, curious and hoping that she would have one with me.

“Earth Science with Mr.Hartford, how about you?” After hearing that I had a smile that stayed with me the rest of the day.

“I have him too! At least one class together, thankfully!” It was so relieving knowing I wouldn't have to go this entire year without having a class with her. Especially science, that was excited. In science you have lab partners, I prayed that I would be paired up with her.

We walked to class catching up with how each others summers went. Summers were always really hard, and we never got to see each other much. She usually went to Florida with her parents all summer, as I was stuck in this small suburban Maine town. As she was tanning in the sun, I got to stare at miles and miles of trees for two and a half months. Welcome to the exciting life of Steven Willows. It was hard not seeing her for an entire summer.

I didn't really have many other friends. I mean don't get me wrong, I am not an outsider but she was just always my best friend. Most of my guy friends were obsessed with basketball, or football, or some other sport I could care less about. I didn't join sports, but I liked to run, I really, really liked to run. I could run for miles and miles and never stop. Just me, my legs, and my thoughts, and that's the way I liked it.

She would call me once or twice a week when she was gone, but only when she got the time. It wasn't easy for her because her parents were really strict and didn't like her 'using up all the minutes'. However, though it wasn't for long those ten minute phone conversations a couple nights a week always were worth it.

She was going on about how there once was an alligator in the pool at the resort they were staying at, and she explained how they had to call animal control to come and get it safely out. Mid-sentence the class started and Mr.Hartford started to talk about the class rules and expectations. It's always the same in every class, every year. I don't know of anyone who actually listens to those things anymore. So I dazed off in to space for the miniature lecture. I snapped out of it when I heard Mr.Hartford speak of something that had nothing to do with goggles or lab safety.

“Ah Mr.Anderson, I see you have started off this year with a perfect example on how to get on your science teachers' bad side!” Then Mr.Hartford walked over to the student's desk, not amused. The boys' name was Zane. He was that 'too cool for school' guy.

“Would you like to read out loud what was so important that you couldn't wait until after class to tell your buddies?” I laughed to myself, and thought busted. I glanced over to Vivi's direction and she giggled as well. The entire class was staring at Zane, he didn't look so big and powerful now.

“Uh, Mr.Hartford, I don't think that's such a good idea..” I continued to chuckle. In my school system, the bad boys never get caught. Whenever they do, it's a treat for the whole class to watch the embarrassment unfold.

“Mr. Anderson, I believe I told you to read that not aloud.” Mr.Hartford repeated. Now every eye in the room was glued to him, and I could tell he was nervous, ha serves him right!

“Um.. Okay I guess.” Said Zane. He uncrumpled the note and then laughed out loud. Then, he began to read it.

“Hey Zane, dude this class is going to be awesome! I heard Hartford is such an easy A haha. Have you noticed that fat girl yet? I hope she doesn't get too hungry, she might eat the chemicals and lab equipment, or even worse, she might come for us! I heard her name is Vivi or something gay like that, I pray she doesn't get partnered up with me” He finished reading the note. For a slight moment there was silence. He thought it was the funniest thing in the entire world, and burst in to a loud obnoxious laugh. I looked in Vivi's direction, I was speechless. She sat there quietly, expression wiped from her face. It was like she didn't even know how to smile, she sat there stone cold. I wasn't sure she could move, and I feared she had forgotten how to breathe. Then she slowly raised her hand. The teacher had no words either, he didn't say detention, he didn't send the boys to the assistant principals office, he was just silent.

“Yes Vivi...” He said, his voice shaking almost.

“May I please be excused, I need to use the restroom.” She barely got out, her voice cracking as she spoke. Of course the teacher said yes, and as she got up the boys happened to make it worse, though I didn't think that was even possible.

“Oink, Oink” I heard from the back of the classroom along with snickers. She didn't say a word, she just held her head high and walked out of the classroom, taking her stuff with her. I didn't see Vivi for the rest of the period.

The rest of that class I couldn't think straight. My mind was in a million different places, but learning about Earth Science was not one of them.

“Why didn't you go after her?” My mind screamed. I couldn't think of a reason. I just sat there, I didn't defend her, I didn't chase after her, I didn't do anything. What kind of a best friend was I? It shocks me to this day still, that Mr.Hartford didn't do anything. He never brought it up again, and those boys were never, ever punished. I sent her a text, hoping for a response. It was simple, but it was the best I could do at that point. I asked her if she was okay, and if she needed me. I waited and waited for a response. I finally got one at the lunch bell.

“I need you. I'm in the main breezeway, please come meet me.” Is all the text said. I ran up the two flights of stairs to see her standing there. I went up to her and hugged her. I was much shorter freshman year, but still taller than her 5'4” height. I held her in my arms and then we went off by the auditorium to talk.

“Talk to me, Vivi. You know I'm here for you. Don't listen to those stupid boys! They don't know you like I do, they are beautiful.” She had tears streaming down her face. It broke me seeing my best friend like this. We didn't really talk too much, I just held her and let her cry. If she needed me as a shoulder to cry on, then thats' what I was going to be for her. I knew I couldn't fix her problems, but I could be there when no one else was. Before I knew it, the bell rang I had to go off to my next class. Vivi and I went our separate ways for the day, and I just prayed that she wouldn't have to deal with anymore crap today. It was not a good way to start freshman year.

I walked home from school that day. My mind just could not seem to stop racing. Why were people so mean to her? She really isn't fat at all, and she is the nicest girl I've ever met. If being 120 pounds is fat then god I'd hate to see her skinny. She had muscle, and she was really fit. She had C cup breasts which fit her figure perfectly. Her body was always really well proportioned, so it never made sense to me why people picked on her. I mean, she was a bit of an odd ball. She listened to screamo music, and had an odd obsession with tattoos, and she loved bands that most people from our school had never heard of. Even with all that though, she was the nicest girl I'd ever met. She had a heart of gold and would never be mean to anyone, no matter how badly they treated her.

The rest of freshman year went quickly. We did end up being lab partners thankfully, but that class was never our favorite. She couldn't bear to make eye contact with those boys the rest of the year. The bullying persisted, and the teachers continued to do nothing. Things started to go really downhill summer going into our sophomore year. That year was different, for once she actually stayed home. Her parents couldn't afford to go to Florida that year, so I spent the summer with my best friend.

We did everything I had been waiting years to do. We would go to the beach, and we would go to the movies and even stayed out all night once or twice. I don't think she knew it, but every move she did made me fall more and more in love with her. Little simple things like the way she laughed, or how passionate she was for things. I was always so nervous though, I didn't want to risk what we had. I have always heard of best friends trying out a relationship, and it not working out. It was too unbearable of a thought for my mind to handle that things may go bad with us. I would rather have had her as my best friend forever then to date her for two months and never talk to her again. I couldn't think of a reason we wouldn't work out, we had never even had a fight, but relationships do crazy things to people. So I never got to make her mind. That summer was perfect, or so I had thought.

I remember it was a warm August day. She was really insecure about her body, which I understood because people always downed on her about it. So every time we went to the beach she would wear swim trunks and a short sleeve shirt, when a body like hers should have been in a nice bikini. It was just us, and we were at my house all day alone. I had a huge underground pool, and I thought that she deserved to get a tan. It was tradition for her anyway. Every year before when she would come back from Florida she had a lovely tan that made her skin look warm and even more flawless. My sister had a bikini that I knew would fit her, so I told her to try it on. I wanted her to remember that she could always be comfortable with me.

The taunting stopped during the summer, because I was the only one she was with. I wanted to make this summer count for her, because though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I knew once school started up again so would the insults. Her response to the swimsuit shocked me. She looked at it as though it was the ugliest thing she had ever seen.

“What wrong Vivi? Do you not like the swimsuit or something.. I can get another one.” I reassured her.

“I can't wear that Stanely! Are you crazy?!?” I was dumbfounded. She couldn't wear it? It just didn't make sense.

“Why can't you..? It's just be Vivi.” I was trying to convince her, I just didn't want her to feel so insecure. It killed me inside.

“I'm too fat.” She proclaimed like she had truly convinced herself of that. My jaw dropped, I wouldn't be surprised if it literally hit the ground.

“Vivi, you are not fat! You can't get what those losers say at school get to you.” I just wanted her to believe me, I wished she would see what I saw.

“Stanely.. I really can't wear that, you don't understand.” She pleaded. Her eyes looked sad, they almost had a tint of shame in them. My heart cried out for her. If I could have taken her pain away, I would have in an instant. What happened to that happy little girl in the purple velvet dress? I pushed the hair out of her face, and kissed her on the cheek. I then took her hand in mine, and stared in to her eyes.

“You are absolutely beautiful Vivi.” I didn't need to explain anything else. I just loved her. Not because she was beautiful, not because she was my best friend, I just loved her. I didn't need to have a reason for that. My hand accidentally brushed against her silky smooth thigh, and I paused. Her shorts were riding up her leg because of the position she was sitting, and I felt something rough. Confused, I moved my hand and looked down. As I moved my hand she shot hers on her leg and quickly pulled her shorts down. Fear rushed over her, I could tell by how tense she got.

“Vivi, what is that?” I asked with confusion on my face. She didn't respond to what I had said, she just sat there in puzzlement and a stone look on her face. I slowly put my hand back on her leg, and went to lift her shorts up to see the curious rough patch. She took my hand in hers before I got a chance to look, and stared in to my eyes. She had a look that I couldn't quite understand. What could have been the big secret?

“Stanely, please..” She whispered, so subtle I could barely hear it. A single tear shed from her eyes. I knew I had to be missing something. Finally she gave up the fight, she must have been able to tell how concerned I was. She moved her hands from her shorts, yet refused to look in my direction. I finally unveiled whatever it was she was trying to hide from me. What I saw shocked me, and was the farthest thing from what I was expecting.

I couldn't handle it, I just broke right there and held her in to a tight long hug, and balled like a little boy. Slices, hundreds of cuts and gashes hid underneath. What else was this girl hiding? How long had this been going on? They were deep and her leg looked like Freddy Kruegar had attacked it. Then, I saw what made it all worse. It hit my stomach and made it drop, my heart shattered. There was a word, a single word that my beautiful best friend had purposely carved in to her pale and perfect skin. “FAT” Was there, scabbed over in huge capital letters on her right thigh.

I didn't say anything to her for a long while, I just held her, and kept her close. I cried on her shoulder, which is ironic because she should have been the one crying on mine. I tried to concur some sort of resolution, but my mind was drawing a blank. I didn't even know how to respond, but I knew sooner or later we would have to talk about it. Finally, after a solid half hour of silence I spoke.

“When did this start?” Was the only thing I could think to ask. I didn't want to yell, or scream, or make her feel worse. From her facial reactions and body posture I could tell she was ashamed and didn't plan on me finding out her dirty little secret. I just was going to make sure to cover the basics, how long she had been doing it, why she started, and to make sure she didn't have a reason to do it again.

“It all started a few months ago Stanely, I swear I never wanted you to find this out. I love you and you don't need to think i'm screwed up, everyone else does and I really need you. I know what you're going to ask, I should have prepared for this better. I can't tell you why I do it, because I don't have a reason. I know you probably think I'm crazy, but it's really addicting. Everyone hates me anyway, but they have no idea how much I hate myself. Don't say I'm not fat, and don't tell me I'm beautiful. You're my best friend, you are obligated to say that and you know I hate liars. I don't want you to lie to me anymore.” I just wanted to help her, to save her from herself.

“Vivi, you are not crazy, and I love you. I won't push more information out of you, I can't imagine how uncomfortable you must feel. Please, just never lose sight of who you really are. You know I would do anything for you, anything at all.” How do you react in situations like this? I knew I wasn't going to be able to make her stop.

“What do you want? Don't think about what everyone else wants. Forget what I want, forget what your parents think, people at school, everyone. What would make you stop doing this?” I asked.

“To be beautiful.” Well that was a hell of a description. I tried to put myself in her posistion, so I tried to respond as simply as I could, we didn't need to make this conversation any more difficult.

“Okay, well what do you think is beautiful?” I asked, trying to get a better understanding of how I could help her.

“The opposite of me.” She responded so confidently, as if there was no way to convince her otherwise. The entire conversation we both were shaking. I felt as though I was going to vomit the whole entire time, but I kept it going. I needed to figure out exactly how to help my best friend.

“Well thats' really descriptive Vivi.” I said with a smile, trying to make light of the conversation. She smiled, which in turn made me smile.

“Well you know I've always been the best at explaining things!” She said, pushing my shoulder jokingly, then pulling me in to another hug.

“Vivi, I'm serious. I know I can't fix anything, and I can't make decisions for you but I want to do anything I can to help. Give me something, what would make you happy? Honestly, what would you consider to be beautiful.” I said it more calm this time, the entire concept was sinking in a little more and I felt more in control of the situation. Nothing else could really surprise me at this point.

“Do you really want to know? I trust you, but I don't want you to be scared of what I really think. I don't want you to be afraid of me.” Afraid of her? She seriously underestimated me if she thought that I was going to leave her when she clearly needed me the most.

“Oh yeah Vivi you're so scary!” I said, winking and giggling. I then continued,

“But seriously, I really would like to know, as long as you're okay with telling me.” I didn't want to push her. I mean obviously I wanted information, I wanted to know everything. However, I knew this couldn't be easy for her either, so I tried to slowly ask questions.

“Okay, well you have to understand this is how I think Stanely. I know you think of me extremely differently then I view myself. You asked, so I'll be nothing but honest with you. To start off, I think I am the most disgusting thing that has ever walked this planet.” I wanted to interupt her, I wanted to tell her she was beautiful and everything she was saying was wrong, but I stopped myself. I let her continue.

“My hipbones don't show, and neither do my collar bones. My thighs jiggle when I walk and I have stretch marks on my hips. I sit and stare at the mirror for hours just trying to figure out how to make myself more attractive. My hair is too curly and unmanageable. My teeth are too crooked, and my smile is weird. I have more acne then an average teenager gets throughout their life, and I am hideous! I just want to be skinny, I want to see my ribs, I want to fit in to size zero jeans, I want to be good enough for once! I am not good enough for anyone, and I sure as hell am not good enough for myself. I cut out of punishment. I am not strong enough Stanely, I'm weak.” I listened intentively to every thing she was saying. I then gave the worst advice I could have ever thought of.

“If you really think you're that fat Vivi, then why don't you do stuff to lose the weight?” Though she wasn't fat at all, she would have been healthy still if she lost five pounds or so. Maybe if she lost a few pounds, she would feel better about herself and stop harming herself.

“I don't know why I haven't tried that.” She said. We both had stopped shaking and crying, we were now holding hands and having a normal conversation. Having her hand in mine felt perfect, it was as if my fingers were meant to be intertwined with mine.

“Vivi, I know you can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to! Please don't harm yourself anymore. I'll get you some neosporin and scar removal cream, within a few months they will fade and we can put this behind us. I'll do anything I can to help you. I'm not going anywhere.” I had never been so sure about anything, I just knew that no matter what it took I needed to help her out. She reached in to her bag and pulled out a cloth and handed it to me. Enclosed in the cloth was an array of razors. I looked at her rather puzzled, and then it clicked.

“There, keep them, throw them away, I don't care. If I'm serious about stopping I can't have temptation with me.” I knew she could easily get other things to do it with if she wanted, but seeing her give me that was a good sign. It made me feel like she was serious about stopping this madness. I smiled and took them and put it in to my bag. I then took her back in to a long embrace. Before I knew it, it was 6:00pm. She had to be home by 6:30pm, so I knew it was time for her to leave. My mother was getting home around that time anyway, so even though I hated to let her go I had to let her leave.

Summer ended as quick as it started, and before I knew it I was back in school. Homework wasn't as bad as it was freshman year, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing. Call me crazy, but I actually like homework. It stops my mind from racing and worrying, I get focused on that one task and it keeps my brain in balance. Vivi and I hadn't been talking as much since that day at my pool. When she left that day she seemed to have a smile on, she seemed like she was ready to set herself on the right path. I haven't talked to her since that day. Every attempt to talk to her gets shot down. I mean sure, we chit chat every once in a while, but we don't talk. Not like we use to.

I stop by her locker, or send her texts, but the response is always never or minimal. For example, I would send her a text saying something around the lines of;

“Hey! Haven't seen you in a while, wanna chill soon?” However I usually get ignored. If I do get a response, it is usually something like;

“Sorry, been busy, let you know when I'm free.” It hurt seeing her ignore me like that. We didn't have any classes together that year, which didn't help my situation out at all. Even when she saw me in the hallway, it was like I didn't exist. It broke me in to pieces, I had no idea what I did. I missed her more then even I would like to admit to myself.

I've always been kind of good at hiding my feelings, so my friends never noticed how upset I truly was. They also knew better than to bring her up though. They didn't know how I was feeling, but they weren't stupid. Nearly everyone except for her knew how I felt about her. They definitely noticed that we weren't talking anymore.

The year dragged on, and Vivi still wasn't talking to me. I started to see her less and less, but every time I saw her she seemed to be looking worse. It was as if the life was being sucked out of her. To put it up bluntly, she looked absolutely terrible. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew whatever was happened to her, wasn't good. Her skin was losing it's color, her eyes sunk in, her fingernails were thin and her hair was thinning. Thinning. That's what is was, she was thinner.

Weight is always an odd situation with everyone. You gain it here and there, and sometimes you lose it, but most the time it isn't noticeable. It took me a while to notice it, but she didn't lose a few pounds, she looked more like she had lost half of herself. She tried to hide under baggy sweatshirts, but her wrists were like pencils in circumference. I knew that she wanted to be thin, but this was beyond anything that I could ever imagined.

The school year progressed and so did her weight loss. I continued to try and contact her, but she continued to ignore me. Sooner then later summer came again. I saw her wear shorts on the last day of school. I tried to ignore her small legs, and paid more attention to where her scars had once been. She kept her promise to me, as far as I could see. There were no fresh cuts, and her scars had faded. I knew I should stop trying to talk to her, because clearly she wanted nothing to do with me. Something kept me trying though, I wasn't planning on giving up on her.

She went back to Florida again that summer. Once again, it was just the Maine trees and I. I thought about her nearly everyday, but since she was gone I couldn't call her. Her parents restricted cell phone use whenever they went on vacation, and I knew she wasn't going to be calling me. I spent my summer swimming, running, hanging out with the boys, playing basketball, and thinking about Vivi.

I wondered if she was going to wear a bikini again this year. Was she going to be proud to show off her thin body? Or was she more ashamed then she was when she was 120 pounds and healthy? I also would wonder how much weight she really had lost. I knew it was more then 10, but she was thin to begin with, so it was hard to decide. I wondered how she was doing it. What was she eating? Was the girl I missed and loved eating anything at all? The last time I saw her she was so weak, I wondered how much she would change during the summer. I hoped that she would gain weight, I hoped that she would knock some sense in to herself and realize she was way too skinny.

That summer was the slowest I can ever remember. In the blink of an eye my junior year came around. Wow, I was on my third year of high school. Only this, and one more year until I have the ability to leave this small town forever. I had no idea what I even wanted to do with my life, but with all this talk about college and future can really stress a sixteen year old out. I somehow eventually pushed Vivi out of my mind. I knew that if she wanted me then she knew how to contact me, and that I should just leave her alone if that was what she wanted.

So I went on with my school work, and tried to forget about Vivi. Whenever a thought of her would come in to my mind, I forced myself to think about something else, anything else I could. Before I knew it, November had arrived. Then, as I scanned the school I did notice something. I hadn't seen Vivi all year. Not one time since school had started. It was as if she had vanished.

When I got home from school on the windy November day I went straight to the phone book. I use to have Vivi's mothers number, but once Vivi and I stopped talking, I deleted her moms number. It took me a couple months to finally do it, just in case some miracle happened and Vivi wanted to talk to me again. Eventually though, I did delete it. So I went straight to the white pages and I searched until I found her moms phone number.

The phone dialed, which seemed to take an eternity. Finally, after my impatience was beginning to grow to thin, her mothers faint voice answered the phone.

Author's Note

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO END IT! HELP WITH SUGGESTIONS !!!!!!!