Who I Am

I wrote this as a blog a while ago, and I just thought it'd be nice to post it publically and see what others think, besides my friends.

I was born on July 25, 1993 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. First daughter of Ashley Martin and second of Tim Aymar, named Kayla Rae Aymar. A common name, I know, but I am nothing ordinary.
»I was born into music, particularly metal, so that's what I enjoy.
»I get almost everything about myself from my dad. I feel sometimes like I am my dad in my mom's body.
My early childhood had no long-term effects. Everything changed when my mom met Dean Martinez and created 3 little demons I call my half-sisters: Kameryn, Kylie and Kennedy.
»Growing up, I was never "normal." Kids would call me weird and never want to talk to me because everything I said was just too weird for their little minds to process.
»I did, however, have one best friend who stayed with me for about 12 years. Mackensie Dunmire helped shape my abnormality. We were tomboys, which was part of the reason I was so weird. We'd go out after it rained and find slimy animals to bring home and play with; we'd sneak the hose into the back yard to make mud to play in; we'd antagonize bees until we came back inside screaming because we were being chased; we'd pretend we were all kinds of different animals, including dogs, cats, lions, horses, otters, tigers and almost any mammel you could name; we'd dig holes under the back yard's fence just so we could feel rebellious being on the other side of it, and then pee in front of the busy street. All of those things made me the weirdest girl in school, because I did things like that in class and in recess as well...except by myself since I had no friends in school. [Mackensie is 2 years younger than me and went to a different school anyway.]
»My step-dad, Dean, was abusive. I remember him never letting me see my mom when I wanted her, never letting me hold my baby sisters, play with the dog, or watch TV to sooth my insomnia. He would hit me when I did something "wrong," and play too rough with me whenever I wasn't doing anything. He put pillows and couch cushions over my head and sat on them. He held me up by my neck and hair and threw me against walls. He let the dog use my head as raw-hide. He gave me indian-burn and rubberband welts. To this day, I'm so afraid of asphyxiation that if someone puts their hand on my throat, I freak out...even if I trust them completely.
»He also hit my mom and sisters and pets.
»I lived with my grandmother for the next 9 or 10 years...but she wasn't much better. She never let me have friends over and was too lazy to play games with me. She yelled at me for not helping out around the house or cleaning my room, and when I did, she pointed out everything I did wrong. She wouldn't buy me pets because she didn't think I could take care of them, and when I finally got some and started taking care of them she would tell me I was too little to clean cages and bitched at me for making her do it. As a teenager she never let me go out, she never drove me anywhere without bitching about it for a week. I was forced to sit in my room at the computer for years.
»I don't remember how old I was, between 4 and 6, when I first saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but I specifically remember the scene where Charlie is standing outside of the factory, and the man comes by with the cart of knives and sharp objects. I remember seeing the cart and the scary man and being terrified to the point where my traumatization became fascination. I always liked to write stories and draw pictures with them, so that's what I did to express my fascination with sharp, painful instruments and my fear of death. I wrote stories of happy families [since I never had one] getting eaten by vicious animals. Little girls, my age, getting stabbed to death or put in a variety of torture instruments until they slowely died. Every paper I turned in to my teachers had something to do with someone dying. They'd give me vocabulary words and tell me to write a story, and it would always end with the main character, or someone the main character was very sentimentally close to dying in some horrific way. They'd tell me to write my spelling words in sentences and 70% of them were related to death and torture. Every other paper had pictures of stick figures being tortured. I would purposly lose every game of hang-man, just to see the little guy suffer. It all just gave me some sort of thrill I still can't describe.
»I was 7 years old when Invader Zim was released on Nickelodeon. I liked the show, I loved the idea, and more than anything, I loved the art. The dark, satirical form of Earth that Zim had come to conquer. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to look at myself and be afraid, as some of the children who saw the show were. I based my style [hair, clothes, make up, etc] off of the abnormally creepy art of Jhonen Vasquez, and still am.
»Vampirism has always been something I was interested in. It was sparked for me when I first heard of their existence. I saw the movie, The Little Vampire, and it terrified me...I loved it. I wanted to know everything I could find out about them, and now I think I know the answer to just about every question you could ask me about them. My friend told me that if you drink your own blood after you get a cut, it goes back into your body. The next time I got a cut, I tried it and adored the taste. Vampirism is a huge part of my life...and I've grown such admiration for fangs and blood that every time I see someone who doesn't have seemingly sharp teeth or is disgusted by the sight of blood, I subconciously dislike them.
»I think at about 13, I started having chronic nightmares about holocausts. I dreamt I was being held in concentration camps along with my close friends and very few close relatives and being tortured. My friends were killed, my family was sent away, and I always ended up dying in some sort of explosion. To this day, they still come back here and there, and I'm so traumatized by them that I'm fascinated by Hitler and the holocaust...and seeing flaming buildings and explosions scares the living f**k out of me.
»I never fully believed in religion, even though I was brought up catholic. I never completely fell for all the fairy tales and stories, and it scared me. I was afraid that if I didn't believe what they told me I was going to go to Hell...but when I finally started realizing there definatly was no God, I became so against religion that I feel sympathetic for people that do believe in a God. I'm against religion and I want to spread the word of the Antichrist. This quote by Marilyn Manson will sum it up: "I'm becoming what I used to be afraid of. When the whole world wants to destroy you, every day is your last day and every performance is your final one. The Antichrist isn't just me, or just one person. It's in all of us, a collective state of mind that America needs to have awakened in them. I want to wake it in them. That's the purpose of this tour, maybe even my life, to make Americans realize that they don't have to believe in something just because they've been told it all their lives. You can't have someone who's never had sex or drugs tell you it's wrong. Only through experience can you determine your own morality. Humanity isn't about constantly having to seek forgiveness for being a human; humanity is leading a guiltless existence as an individual. That is Armageddon, because, to Christianity, if you forsake the idea of God and believe in yourself, the world is over."
»When I was 13, I became obsessed with the lyrics of the song Jesus of Suburbia, written and performed by Green Day. I loved the lyric "City of the dead," and I changed my MySpace display name to it. I discovered how well it fit me, and turned it into my nickname. I heard the word "necropolis" for the first time in history class in 9th grade. Necropolis meant my name, and it became my favorite word. I changed my name to City Undead because of vampirism and knowing that vampires aren't dead, and by no means can be unless killed, but are indeed undead.
»There's only one other person who I think is imortant enough to me that I can say is part of my life and who I am. I met Kyle Washkau when I was 14. I don't physically have enough time to go into detail, but let's just say he means more to me than anyone else ever has. He helped me through so much, and I know I helped him deal with quite a bit as well. I'm bipolar, and I had no way of knowing how to come even anywhere close to controlling my emotions or thoughts, and all he had to do was say one sentence, and it changed the way I think and feel and to this day, his words have helped me look at the good in every situation, even if it takes time...and know that everything will be okay in the end. Nobody has understood me or listened to me as much as he has. He's really helped me see what this whole "happiness" consept is.
»Still at 14, my mom finally got legally separated with my step-dad because I called the police on him multiple times. I finally moved in with her at 15.
»I love horror. I love music. I love frightening people. I love who I am, [mostly thanks to Kyle]. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

Author's Note

This was not written for the attention, it was written for my own pleasure, and I hope that someone enjoys it and learns something from it. Please leave nice reviews.

Reviews

[Ama May Cooper]

You are a strickingly amazing indavdual and everything you wrote there makes sense. My childhood much the same the abuse tho from my own farther and my alcholic mother. I suffer from such a long list of disablites that it is pointless to state them and i doubt you really care.
But well you hope someone injoys it , well i did i loved it so truthell so crafted , was great. Lol i dont really kno what a nce review is to you, beause some peopl elike critism and some dont.
But you my dear are one of those lovely people that are worth having as friends. Im 17 and i guess out of all my disablites the one that links me to this story is my heavy depression only unipolar tho so not as severe well , not as linked. But to feel happiness is bliss ive almost forgetten the feelin g, but this made me smile and that is something special.
You are not afreak at all but a beautfully crafted indavdual be proud