Don't Ask.

Don’t ask her how she slept,

She drowned in her dreams years ago.

Sleeping in a bed of wishes:

Stories she thought could be real.

 

Don’t ask her how she felt,

Her last feeling fled when her dream fell apart.

The pain of chasing fantasy

Finally catching up with her real world.

 

Don’t ask her how she tripped,

She was on the ground before she ever knew.

The cold scratches of pavement,

The first embrace in years.

 

Don’t ask her how her life is,

She stopped living years ago

Hiding in the wings

She’d thought would help her fly.

Don't ask her anything,

You're the next in a long line

That promised to stay

But found other places to be.

Author's Note

I still am unsure about my poetry but my last piece seemed to do well, so here's another attempt.

As always, comments are more than welcome.

Reviews

[None]

I know how you feel about poetry, but sometimes it's the only thing that comes. :) I think this is wonderful. I love how it sounds a lot like an obituary of the heart. "Hiding in the wings/She'd though would help her fly." Wow. That's just amazing. You do that numerous times throughout the piece. Where you take something that is a well known image, and then redefine its meaning. This is a riveting, mournfully angry piece. I can't tell you enough how awesome this is. Great work.

[Theresa]

I know what you mean. I am just trying my 'wings' at poetry.
I think this flows quite nicely. there is a sadness and a feeling of hopelessness to this. I love the repetiveness "Don't ask her.."
Like your wording "sleeping in a bed of wishes" "cold scratches of pavement, first embrace in years." Well done.

[Kaya]

Thank you so much :)

[Bare trees]

I thought you did a great job on this Kaya. It's interesting the way you put your thoughts together in each stanza. Favorite part:



Don’t ask her how she tripped,
She was on the ground before she ever knew.
The cold scratches of pavement,
The first embrace in years.

You did a really nice job on this poem. It leaves the reader with sadness yet an understanding through your words of one whose life is anything but perfect.

[G!o]

Okay maybe a little re-touch may be needed but this definitely is going to my shelve. I love it especially the last stanza. Keep up the pace...

[Mind Giant]

If I could, I love the way that it flows, I was a little confuse in some parts in the middle as to what you meant but thats ok, thats the beauty of what we do. I dont have to....I like the way the second line always answers it for you. great work, thanks

[nevermindfan1991]

Don’t ask her how she slept,
She drowned in her dreams years ago.
Sleeping in a bed of wishes:
Stories she thought could be real.

This was a decent intro. I only wished it was more vivid.
 
Don’t ask her how she felt,
Her last feeling fled when her dream[s] fell apart.
The pain of chasing [a] fantasy
Finally catching up with her [to the] real world.

I think it would be better to get into more detail.
This is not emotive enough.
 
Don’t ask her how she tripped,
She was on the ground before she ever knew. [strange sentence]
The cold scratches of pavement[;]
The first embrace in years.

This is quite diversion to the original direction of the poem.
I’d advise you either re-write this or remove it all together.
 
Don’t ask her how her life is,
She stopped living years ago[.]
Hiding in the wings[,]
She’d thought would help her fly.

Flying as a symbol for freedom is a cliche. Come up
with another analogy or try to make it your own.


Don't ask her anything,
You're the next in a long line [the adjective is unnecessary]
That promised to stay [?]
But found other places to be.

The conclusion did really make sense. I’m not sure it was because
there were words missing or syntax problems.

The poem overall was okay. It was really nothing special and I didn’t
feel a real voice come through. It was fine structure wise but I think
it would help if you expanded it. Also, choose your words carefully.

[If you can, review some of my poems. Please and thank you!]

[Pax]

i really like the flow which is great. enjoyed this. its written beautifully.

[Coyote Poetry]

Sometime come a point where we lose interest in people who lost interest in us. I like the way you twist the poem to make your point. Nice flow of thoughts and a strong ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote