Rainbow Tears

Picture Prompts #1

Incrementally, the world around her seemed duller. It had seemed a little washed out when she’d woken up that morning. A little faded around the edges, but the sun was behind a cloud so she hadn't really worried. She was on top of the situation, cloudy days happened in everyone's life right? There were no reason to freak out.

It had gotten worse with her shower; her fingers not getting that boiled red look she hated so much. To be honestly thought, that had gotten a smile out of her. It had been her retort time and time again while she argued with her mother, that eventually her body would get used to the blistering temperature of her water. It had never worked. Possibly something to do with her lack of a credible response to why the paint near the roof had risen off the discolored wall. Why steam ironing a shirt in there left it soaked.

It was easy to lie to herself, the world was the same as it was every other day, every other morning the sun rose up. The lie almost worked for the kitchen too. Kitchens were supposed to have white appliances, everyone knew that. At some point in the night one of her housemates must have come home drunk and  pulled the colored magnets of the fridge. She’d find a pile of the papers that had been hanging plastered across the fridge door somewhere along the bench in the lounge room if she could only be bothered looking.

The lounge room was where the signs were unmistakable though. The bright surrealist paintings left by her landlord, a cacophony of colors, had become shades of grey, boring and impossible to focus on. The couch against the wall seemed darker, even more rundown, more temperamental than usual. The TV joined the rest of the room in a pallor of grey. It must be broken she decided, watching the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience.

She walked outside, desperate for some color to prove she wasn't crazy. It hadn't all faded outside; no matter how badly she’d infected the house, there were still colors in the world. It was patchy outside though, they weren't as bright as they usually were. The grass was faded and more yellow; more dead than she remembered the courtyard being. Unimportant really. There were patches of color on the leaves, even if the trunks were all but grey by now.

She gnawed at her lip, unable to deny it to herself. Turning, she sprinted back through the doors of the house; slamming them shut to keep out the blankness that had seeped into the world while she slept. Her face scrunched up as she stared at it in the mirror. Her mind ran through every emotion of angst she had, wincing as they played across the face of a wax doll staring back at her. She was as faded as the rest of the world; as dull, as blank.

Desperately, she dragged her nails across her skin, unhindered by a sense of pain. It had dulled when the rest of the world did. Her blood was still bright, flaming scarlet roses beading up where she’s scratched too hard, and then they were dull too. She pressed her bleeding forearm tightly against her chest, eyes fixed on her hand as it shook uncontrollably.

The pain seared through her then, though whether it was a result of the roses on her arm or the empty vacuum inside her heart. Tears spilled from her unseeing eyes, locked firming on the uncaring glass orbs reflected by the mirror. They painted a rainbow of colors across her cheeks - the only relief from the dullness, the only color in the world  and then they too fell to the floor, blending with the thousand other shades of grey.

Author's Note

Thoughts?? Comments?? Advice??

Reviews

[Ramsey's Rebellion]

This is good! You have a strong voice that most young writers struggle to find. However, grammar is going to be an issue that holds you back from being published. Now most young writers who like writing and who get a lot of positive feedback don't like to hear this, but you need to work on it. (As a point of reference, I am a writing assistant at the local college, so I am consistently teaching students grammar: this has also forced me to become an expert.

Areas of weakness.
1. Commas (particularly the comma splice which is a form of a run on sentence)
2. Pronouns and antecedents (You use the word "it" to begin sentences and this results in a passive sentence structure.
3. Passive Voice
4. Dangling modifiers.

I will show you one sentence that you used to explain a dangling modifier.

"It must be broken she decided, watching the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience."

Everything after the comma is a misplaced modifier. The reader has to guess that you are referring to the protagonist. The sentence would work grammatically if you restructured it to look like this:

"Watching the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience, she decided that it must be broken."

This way the reader knows that she is the one watching the TV.

Or even better, you could say "She decided it must be broken as she watched the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience."

I understand that it is in vogue to ignore grammar, after all, real writers break the rules... and yes, I break the rules... BUT because I am 100% certain of the rules of grammar, when I break the rules, I know that I am breaking it, I know how to fix it, and I have a specific reason to be breaking the rule, usually for artistic effect.

If you have other grammar and spelling errors, the reader won't trust that your error was done in earnest and then the reader will think that even your intentional rule breaking is merely another mistake. When this happens, you lose effectiveness.

So now that the grammar lesson is complete. Like I said earlier. You have a strong artistic voice and a really good handle on description.

[G!o]

This is a beautiful art and well brought out description. Definitely going to my shelve...

[Keith]

Excellent imaginary. I could feel the stark gray of her world form the picture your words painted. Very well done.
I can't add anything new that Ramsey hasn't already covered. He gave you wonderful advise.

[Sleepless]

well im stunned to what i have read it just ;eft with a face like this ------> :0 omg this was so awesome i pictured everything from the colors to her blood to everything i loed the story you are really really good at writing keep writing :)

[no sun]

This is a strong idea and written out well.

P.S. Ramsey is offering solid advice if you wish to take your work to the next level and I believe you can be a published author someday.

[Wendy Seames Garner]

What a creative version of the writing prompt, great work! I found one thing you might want to look at:

"they weren't as bright as the usually were" I think you meant: weren't as bright as (they) usually were.

Wow. This was really powerful. While I felt as though some of the paragraphs at the beginning were a little jumpy, I was drawn in by the imagery that you were painting with your words. The ending is superb, although a little sad. Losing someones own identity within the world is something I'm sure everyone faces at one point or another in their lives, and when they do it is an awful feeling, one which I feel you have captured here. Thank you for sharing :)

[Monica-Antoinetta-Magda..]

wow, wonderful. (also you added to my pile of read requests on purpose didn't you :P) I like the ending, and the image of the tears painting rainbow of colour on her cheeks :D

[Pax]

its all good, i like how the ending end. its so surreal to lost all the colors your see.
i also like how the story progress to a very sad ending. keep on writing my friend.

[Odayin]

This was definitely something out of the ordinary; but that doesn't mean it was bad, actually, it was quite good. I like the unique idea and the amazing details you put into this.
"wincing as they played across a wax doll staring back at her."
That^ is one of the best lines I've heard in a while. I think it's only competion is your last paragraph which had me nodding my head in approval the whole time at it's great metaphors and other literary devices.
Keep 'em coming Kaya