Rainbow Tears

Picture Prompts #1

Incrementally, the world around her seemed duller. It had seemed a little washed out when she’d woken up that morning. A little faded around the edges, but the sun was behind a cloud so she hadn't really worried. She was on top of the situation, cloudy days happened in everyone's life right? There were no reason to freak out.

It had gotten worse with her shower; her fingers not getting that boiled red look she hated so much. To be honestly thought, that had gotten a smile out of her. It had been her retort time and time again while she argued with her mother, that eventually her body would get used to the blistering temperature of her water. It had never worked. Possibly something to do with her lack of a credible response to why the paint near the roof had risen off the discolored wall. Why steam ironing a shirt in there left it soaked.

It was easy to lie to herself, the world was the same as it was every other day, every other morning the sun rose up. The lie almost worked for the kitchen too. Kitchens were supposed to have white appliances, everyone knew that. At some point in the night one of her housemates must have come home drunk and  pulled the colored magnets of the fridge. She’d find a pile of the papers that had been hanging plastered across the fridge door somewhere along the bench in the lounge room if she could only be bothered looking.

The lounge room was where the signs were unmistakable though. The bright surrealist paintings left by her landlord, a cacophony of colors, had become shades of grey, boring and impossible to focus on. The couch against the wall seemed darker, even more rundown, more temperamental than usual. The TV joined the rest of the room in a pallor of grey. It must be broken she decided, watching the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience.

She walked outside, desperate for some color to prove she wasn't crazy. It hadn't all faded outside; no matter how badly she’d infected the house, there were still colors in the world. It was patchy outside though, they weren't as bright as they usually were. The grass was faded and more yellow; more dead than she remembered the courtyard being. Unimportant really. There were patches of color on the leaves, even if the trunks were all but grey by now.

She gnawed at her lip, unable to deny it to herself. Turning, she sprinted back through the doors of the house; slamming them shut to keep out the blankness that had seeped into the world while she slept. Her face scrunched up as she stared at it in the mirror. Her mind ran through every emotion of angst she had, wincing as they played across the face of a wax doll staring back at her. She was as faded as the rest of the world; as dull, as blank.

Desperately, she dragged her nails across her skin, unhindered by a sense of pain. It had dulled when the rest of the world did. Her blood was still bright, flaming scarlet roses beading up where she’s scratched too hard, and then they were dull too. She pressed her bleeding forearm tightly against her chest, eyes fixed on her hand as it shook uncontrollably.

The pain seared through her then, though whether it was a result of the roses on her arm or the empty vacuum inside her heart. Tears spilled from her unseeing eyes, locked firming on the uncaring glass orbs reflected by the mirror. They painted a rainbow of colors across her cheeks - the only relief from the dullness, the only color in the world  and then they too fell to the floor, blending with the thousand other shades of grey.

Author's Note

Thoughts?? Comments?? Advice??

Reviews

[Ramsey's Rebellion]

This is good! You have a strong voice that most young writers struggle to find. However, grammar is going to be an issue that holds you back from being published. Now most young writers who like writing and who get a lot of positive feedback don't like to hear this, but you need to work on it. (As a point of reference, I am a writing assistant at the local college, so I am consistently teaching students grammar: this has also forced me to become an expert.

Areas of weakness.
1. Commas (particularly the comma splice which is a form of a run on sentence)
2. Pronouns and antecedents (You use the word "it" to begin sentences and this results in a passive sentence structure.
3. Passive Voice
4. Dangling modifiers.

I will show you one sentence that you used to explain a dangling modifier.

"It must be broken she decided, watching the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience."

Everything after the comma is a misplaced modifier. The reader has to guess that you are referring to the protagonist. The sentence would work grammatically if you restructured it to look like this:

"Watching the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience, she decided that it must be broken."

This way the reader knows that she is the one watching the TV.

Or even better, you could say "She decided it must be broken as she watched the tiny characters compete on screen to the dull laugh of a studio audience."

I understand that it is in vogue to ignore grammar, after all, real writers break the rules... and yes, I break the rules... BUT because I am 100% certain of the rules of grammar, when I break the rules, I know that I am breaking it, I know how to fix it, and I have a specific reason to be breaking the rule, usually for artistic effect.

If you have other grammar and spelling errors, the reader won't trust that your error was done in earnest and then the reader will think that even your intentional rule breaking is merely another mistake. When this happens, you lose effectiveness.

So now that the grammar lesson is complete. Like I said earlier. You have a strong artistic voice and a really good handle on description.

[Lina Grey]

I love the story; the idea of it is brilliant and the use of third person limited perspective was a good choice. The ending was a powerful finish, but I agree with Ramsey to say that your grammar is a bit off. Some parts didn't flow very well and some sentences I had to reread in order to understand. I lost some interest while reading because it wasn't very clear. I would say follow Ramsey's advice, and it will improve greatly. Thank you.

[C.A. Lucas]

The story flowed really well. I liked how the reader strolled through the grey and dull, bearing with the character, then the reader had hope that the blood would have something to do with the creating of color that was sure to come, but then when I read about the rainbow tears I transitioned into the return of the grey...
Very well written. Proves that you really are one of the greatest writers I've ever heard of... friend request time!

[Kaya]

Consider me extremely flattered!! Thank you :D

[Coyote Poetry]

"Unimportant really. There were patches of colour on the leaves, even if the trunks were all but grey by now. "
The story was very good. I had to read again. To search for color or reason to be alive is the thing most of us do in our own way. A powerful emotional poem. Good to desire energy and color in a life. Thank you for the outstanding story.
Coyote

[Layla J Omorose]

I have to agree with Ramsey. You have a strong voice and talent if you write such a good story from a picture prompt. I'm not going to point out the grammatical issues since that has already been covered thoroughly. Either way this was a very good yet at the same time painful story. I feel for the woman. Good job.

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

you wrote this from a picture prompt? Absolutely fantastic writing. I felt the pain of this woman.

[Celeste]

I love how you described this story. Your words were so full of emotion, and that only helped with the amazing imagery you created in here.

I noticed a few grammatical errors, but no doubt you can catch them when you read through your story one more time or if you run it through a spell-checker.

But really, aside from that, this was a great story.

Keep writing!

[TheSweet]

As far as all the people mentioning the grammar goes - I think all it really needs is you to carefully pick at each sentence, say it aloud and write it exactly as you mean it in your head. It's usually a bit of confusion between what you know and trying to get that across to the reader.

What I like about this is the conceptual base of it. It's not directional, or a snippet of a life - it's focusing on the depth description of a tiny moment, involving a lot of emotions and feelings. What I would recommend because of this would be to add more in the way of senses. I think there are some parts where you could nail a point home with a deeper sense of this girl and what she is experiencing in the ways of smell or hearing. Something that might be cool to think about.

Overall, I really rather enjoyed it as you get the imagery and emotive language through quite well. Just needs a little edit (as with most work) to give it that extra shine :) Thanks a bunch for sharing!

[r. f. jordan]

i agree with other reviews on the importance of grammar and the manipulation of of it. i feel, also, that your piece carries an expertly formulated tone of anguish in description. the speaker, in third person, explains what it is to observe self-mutilation. this explanation carries a well-placed objectivity that permits the reader to generate more emotion. well done.

[shawlyn]

Hi Kaya,
Great use of imagery. You are able to draw pictures with your words that I can easily visualise in my mind. You have a gift which you must keep working with.
Regards
Shawlyn

[Allie]

Very interesting, I love the imagery here, it left wonderful pictures in my head. I also love that you don't mention why she feels this way because it gives me the opportunity to relate it to my own life. Great write.