Fire Turned My Heart to Ice

So here it comes. 

A quickly creeping shadow. 

Rolling in, like fog off the ocean 

on the early mornings I first woke up in his arms. 

And that’s all that will quell this ache. 

His arms, entangled in my own. 

No words, just warmth. 

Shielding me from the blow 

that never fails to land my face- 

Five years and counting. 

I’d rather bury my face in his chest 

than watch the leaves turn shades of gold and bronze.

Orange and yellow. 

The color of flames - what took you away from us. 

The trees are ignited before me. 

Soon enough, the leaves will fall and crumble,

mixing with the dirt below. 

Your ashes to ashes. 

Your dust to dust. 

Leaving behind the bare bones of trees, 

rib-cages exposed but no wild heart thudding within. 

I’m so cold tonight. 

So unforgiving. 

Fire to ice, and back again. 

Always hand in hand. 

A familiar comfort. 

My tongue, frozen to the roof of my mouth, 

I can find the words but I can’t get them out. 

All I crave is warmth, 

to melt me down to who I was before all this; 

before the blazing, searing explosion of pain, 

and biting frost that soon set in. 

A chemical exchange. 

I’d rather bleach my insides, 

make them pure white and pristine clean, 

like the snow that falls over where your ash is spread 

(look for the roses in the river) 

but its white-hot pain that keeps me here. 

White as the ash that fell through my fingers, 

bits of bone left behind. 

Fragments of being. 

To think that you, or anyone, 

could be reduced to pieces in my trembling palm.

There’s your smile here, 

your laughter there. 

--No, no, just bone. 

Pure and smooth, against my shaking hand, 

as I'm surrounded by the fiery branches 

where your soul must hide. 

All fire and ice, into the earth and ocean. 

No words, just warmth, to help me sleep, 

so I can see her standing tall and 

smiling brighter than the flame that took her. 

I feel you, when no one feels me. 

4am and breathless.

Author's Note

written 3 years ago