Heaven Received A New Angel

Coping with the loss of my brother

This was written because I am having the hardest time coping with the death of my brother and other loved ones lost over the past year. He was the biggest loss to date besides that of my other older brother in 1996. I now have 2 guardian angels watching over me!

September 23, 2012… a day I will never, ever forget. Not in a million years would I have ever imagined living the rest of my adult life without you. No one will ever understand how hard this is for me. You were my brother. You thought you were my dad LOL! You were my bodyguard. My own real life super hero!
It all played out as if it were a rerun of when John died. Got a phone call from dad but this time I answered the phone. Dad did his usual “Kim, when was the last time you saw Mike?” I did my usual “Umm...last week or so.” Even if I’d just seen you the night before. But this time it was all different. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming from his mouth. I told him I’d call him back and I was going to call you…and YOU were going to answer!!

I called you 10 times at least begging you to pick up the phone. But all I got was your voicemail. Then I called the hospital but couldn’t get anyone on the phone. That’s when I began to panic. I couldn’t get in touch with Dawn and I’d lost your mom’s number. So I ran upstairs and told my mom what was going on. I couldn’t think straight. Someone needed to answer the phone and tell me this wasn’t true. Finally the ER answered and they told me you were there. I started to shake. I asked the lady if your mom was there and they said yes. She was in the family waiting room. I immediately hung up. Not until now did I really catch on to the significance of the phrase “Family Waiting Room.” My mom tried to get that a*****e of a brother of ours to take me to Jackson but he wouldn’t do it. I knew and was prepared to face it alone. After all, you prepped me for everything and taught me how to be strong.

My friends immediately started to call me and try to console me to find out what was going on. Because they could tell I’d gone into panic mode. The idea of losing another sibling was killing me. I wanted it all to be a bad dream. I walked into the ER doors and took the deepest breath I could without passing out. I was shaking so badly and I know the lady could hear it in my voice when I asked which way to the family waiting room. To not be checked by security to go to the back should have registered with me that something was not right but it didn’t. I was going in to see that this all was a hoax and that you just didn’t have your phone on you to answer.

I walked in and tried to play dumb but I heard Lois on the phone with your mom praying really loudly. I said to myself “she’s just praying to make it all better and for you to recover”. But that was the longest prayer that I’d ever heard Lois pray. I could hear it in her voice that things were different. But I wanted to keep my hopes up and remind myself that this is all a dream.

But it wasn’t!!

The hardest thing for me to do that night was tell you “I Love You!” and not hear you say in the big deep loud voice of yours “I Love You Too!” I stood there and talked to you as if you were still breathing. I held your hand and stroked your hair. I finally found a warm place just below your jawbone, on your neck. I just held my hand there and prayed for a pulse but I knew I was asking for too much. I just kept telling myself this is a bad, bad dream! Lord please wake me up from this nightmare..

After taking dad in to see you, I was sitting in the waiting room and out of nowhere I heard the biggest “Hey NayNay!!” I’d ever heard before. I just put my head down and held my ears to block out all the noise because I wanted to hear you again loud and clear. But you were gone. I took dad home and headed to see if Julie was at Zip’s. I didn’t think she would be. But I saw her car and decided to stop anyway. As soon as I walked through the door, I saw Julie and Cindl with open arms. Seeing them gave me comfort because they are just as crazy about you as I am!! I stayed for a while and listened to stories that made me laugh and smile because you protected them just as you did me.

I got home and couldn’t sleep. I was still in disbelief. I rocked and rolled…tossed and turned…and finally I found a comfortable spot and I closed my eyes with only an hour left to get rest. But I felt a light and turned over to see the computer monitor was on but no one was in the room but Micah & I. I knew it was you coming to see about me. I just looked at the chair and said “Ok! I'll go to sleep now.” When I finally woke up..I still tried to deny it. I looked in the mirror and saw how bloodshot my eyes were and I knew then that it wasn't a dream. This was real and now NayNay had to put on her big girl pants and try to be tough..or as you'd say "Suck it up NayNay!"

No matter what has gone on since you went away I always see a sign of you that lets me know you’re right with me. I was going to my cousin’s funeral the Saturday before Christmas and I was thinking about all that had gone on the 3 months following your death. While riding in the car, we passed this field and to my right was a Texas Longhorn...as soon as I looked, it held its head up high as if to see who was in the car. LOL...I took a deep breath and exhaled because I knew you were saying it’s going to be ok. Good thing I listened too…because I had to be strong for my mom. The shoe was on the other foot this time. Even though I was strong for her when I got home I was really feeling down and then I got a call from your mom saying she’d found an envelope with my name on it and she asked me did I want it. I said “Yes.” 2 days before Christmas…2 days…I get a Christmas card from you!! **tears**That let me know I should enjoy my Christmas because you were going to have it no other way. I read the card & it was typical Mike! LOL!! That meant more to me than anything else you could have ever said to me verbally in this whole wide world other than I love you!!

Just last night, I knew you had come to see about me again. I know I haven’t been sleeping well or eating right and insomnia is running rampant but you turned the computer all the way on this time (not just the monitor) and I cried because I was missing you and you came to comfort me. How wonderful of a big brother are you!!!!

I just want to say I have THE most awesome nephew on the planet thanks to you and Dawn. I look at him and I see you & John. He is so smart and talented. I told Dawn he’s an old wise man in a young man’s body. At your viewing he was trying to make sure everyone else was ok but wasn’t worried about him. You did a great job as well as you could with the time you had here on earth with us. He is going to make you even prouder than he already has! I can guarantee you that!!
This world is not the same without you here. I know everyone is missing your laugh and your awful, awful jokes. I miss your stories to Tatum about what you used to do “WHEN YOU WERE HER AGE” LOL! I miss you telling me to go home when I visit Rock Bottom and telling me I’m cut off even though I’ve had nothing to drink yet! I miss not sharing my food with you even though I wouldn’t call it sharing…you’d just come and eat but never did I or will I complain. Because that’s what little sisters and big brothers do for one another.

I can’t say that I’ve dealt with you not being here in the best ways. I know I told you I was going to behave myself but trying to comfort myself and push forward has not been the easiest thing to do. I feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by allllll these people who loved you. You left me here with an awesome group of your friends and coworkers. Everytime I see them I see you and smile!! I promise I’m going to do better in all aspects of my life. You looked out for me while you were here and you’re still looking out for me now. I promise I’ll be ok someday but until that someday arrives “I miss you Hollywood…I love you Hollywood!” Tell John hello for me!! And if you see my uncle and cousin could you give them a hug for me too! We miss you Michael!! I know Jesus has you at the gates ready to push back the ones who can’t get in!! You left a big space that no one else can fill because there is only ONE....Michael “Hollywood” Williams!!!

Love your sister,

NAYNAY



©️ 2013 K. René

Reviews

[bamboomountains]

This part: 'I held your hand and stroked your hair. I finally found a warm place just below your jawbone, on your neck. I just held my hand there and prayed for a pulse but I knew I was asking for too much,' was particularly powerful. It can be hard to articulate the individual moments that take our breath away during such a traumatic event and I believe you succeeded here.