Wrapped in White Quandary

The headache and madness of indecision: 

do I love you or do I love the idea of you?

I pull the sheets over my head and self-suffocate, 

blindly staring into white wrinkles that would be mine and yours 

if I stayed that much longer, 

if I stopped looking at the clock,

if I reached for your proposal assuredly.

But even as I choke quietly in confusion, self-accusing, 

I taste the expired residue of dissatisfaction

clinging to my tongue,

swallowing into my thoughts.

I tuck my knees to my chest and pull the sheets tighter,

compressing myself like a sponge that must eventually

spill out the answer.

It's a rollercoaster under here, 

jerking up into the high-life of memories 

beneath beautiful blankets of sunlight and breathtaking cloaks of night,

then falling fast:

I'm alone, cold, I hear what's wrong with me and right with you;

I'm comforted by an old, dusty pillow instead of your shoulder.

My heart feels heavier than the rest of me.

Then I hear your footsteps and yank off the dilemma, 

forcing my spine upright, the corners of my lips upright - 

there you are, my soul-sucking paradox. 

With one eye, I immensely and undeniably love you;

with the other, I'm a thousand miles away. 

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

You have described here perfectly for me, my first husband. I always had the feeling that there was something missing for him in the relationship and that he was searching for the absent ingredients. When he upped and left, I thought maybe he's found what he was looking for, but years later he still hasn't found it. Some people are restless, they live their lives that way. They can't settle in one place or with one person. . An excellent piece of poetry.

Chris

[Jibey]

This is an accomplished piece of writing, capturing the dilemma of most apparently loving relationships, so often underpinned by self-doubt and uncertainty. We are grateful for what we have, and we love in duty and in truth, yet life is so dynamic and alluring, people are so fascinating and also impenetrable... It is hard to be satisfied utterly... We manage and we wonder...

[Kay]

"It is hard to be satisfied utterly" - it's fascinating how relatable your statement is. In the midst of loving someone, we also trip on deeply rooted insecurities, our misinterpretations, and our evolving expectations (which are impacted by the media). The quandary splits us in different directions and creates an imbalance that's tough to battle. Thanks for your review!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

oh my, Kay...my second ex in a nutshell...we are still close and she would tell you this is true...one foot in the door one foot out...the entire relationship...and she felt so unlovable...her idea was that if i loved her then there had to be something wrong with me.
But she was so wrong...so much happened in her past...and she just wasn't able to leave that behind...
the last two lines are perfect to describe her...i am sure so many can relate to this apt description of that kind of lover who goes into a relationship carrying so much baggage.
well done.
j.

[Kay]

Oh wow! I'm sorry to hear your ex felt she was unlovable, I've definitely seen how past trauma can impact a person's interpretation of relationship dynamics like that. Sometimes it's challenging and confusing to pinpoint the source of dissatisfaction, you're not sure if it's your partner that's bothering you or your past. Even a small comment can be a huge trigger, maybe one of their abusive parents or a previous ex said something similar before and it sucks to be the reminder >_< Thank you for your openness in sharing, Jacob!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

This is a vivid and really well portrayed scene in a flowing fist person freeverse filled with psychological dilemma. How many people have been there, even if not beneath that sheet!

[Kay]

I'm very glad to hear it was relatable and the psychological dilemma flowed throughout vividly, thank you for the feedback!

[John the Baptist]

Occasionally an intelligent, thoughtful relationship poem comes along here, and this is one of them. It very effectively captures the speaker's ambivalence with many images in the bedroom. The last two verses show us just how paralyzing the quandary remains. Well done.

[Kay]

Thank you, that's a wonderful compliment! =)