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I know what I am.

I’m the first to leave parties. I call people out on s**t when it’s not necessary or inappropriate. I’ll blow people off or flake out. Sometimes I have a temper… well, that’s a bit of an understatement; I can always find something to be pissed at. I exclude myself from social gatherings; I dissociate myself from social groups after integrating myself in them. I let people down and leave them disappointed and angry.

 

Why am I not ashamed? I don’t think I owe people anything. Of course, there are few people who are exceptions to my personal dogma, but otherwise these people don’t matter to me. I think I’m trying to be a social integrator and do things people my age do because it’s what’s expected of me, but it just doesn’t matter to me, you know? These parties and student groups and smoking circles and random excursions and grabbing pints at bars just genuinely doesn’t interest me. I’ve tried to care, believe you me I’ve tried, but when all is said and done it feels like exiting stage left. Finishing a performance and bowing and taking my leave and all that… And when I leave I don’t expect roses are applause, yet I find myself surprised at the few people who do hand me a bouquet and request the play be performed the following night. And instead of gratitude and pride I am weary at the thought of performing yet again in these stagnant costumes and memorized lines; actions and verses that are not my own but something they find entertaining. It’s like I got the lead role when I asked to be an extra. It’s a role I never asked for but maybe intentionally initiated much to my dismay.

 

But with enough failed performances these people will lose interest. The play will be canceled and, if I’m lucky, the theatre closed. And slowly but surely the memory of such a performance will fade until they find a faded ticket stub somewhere in the future, and I don’t know if it they will look at it fondly or grimace at the faded paper and end up throwing it away. I’m hoping for the latter.

 

I just thought it needed to be said…