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Two way Deals

From his vantage point on the roof of the Simpson's bakery, Jayden Krauss observed the target: a well dressed man in his early fifties. The man was clearly in a position of power and Jay observed that he walked with a most-powerful-man gait. In an alley beside the building the man had just walked into, the boy stood in the shadows - a long wicked looking hunting knife in his hands. "He's in?" he asked. Jayden put his hand to his ear and gave the reply, loud and clear "positive". "Good. Stay clear. I'm going in". The boy swung his knifes like a knight does a sword before swinging (pun intended) into action.
"The least he could have done was say thank you" Jayden muttered to himself, and straightened himelf up.
For a guy straight out of his prison term, he was doing a pretty good job of landing himself right where he came from. Not that it was his fault that he'd been there in the first place. And a mental facility! What did they think he was? Some sort of little freak. He hung the nocs around his hand and made his way to the door of the roof.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Down down down! Yeah!" the crowd cheered. Kyle Summers was the centre of attraction, with his mouth at an extra large bucket of alcohol. People whipped out their phones and took pictures, some texting it to their friends. He raised his head at some point for some fresh air and the crowd booed. He smiled and dipped his head again. "Show off" he heard someone mutter and raised his head to the source. The person who'd made the comment stared right back at him, but finally lowered his eyes after what seemed like an eternity but was only seconds. "Sorry guys, that's all for today" he said, and they booed again. He jumped down from the stage and made his way to the door. He always pulled this stunt when the party was almost over. Passed a dare - who could drink the most, got them all drunk, pulled the stunt, and hightailed it out of there before anyone could figure out that the master of the house was strapped to a chair, with his neck slit.

Author's Note

hey. What do you think of it? Not gonna write a second chapter till I get reviews!!!! Do you like Jayden, or Kyle best?

Reviews

[Dani D]

okay, I'm a bit of a grammar freak, it's knives, not knifes. Also, you shouldn't explicitly state "pun intended" in your writing, the point of using figurative language is so your readers pick up on it, once you explain it, it diminishes the purpose. In the second paragraph did you mean "center of attention" instead of "center of attraction" since that's what's typically used; center of attention or main attraction. As for the story, it seems very interesting and I'd love to see where it goes. However, I think there is one major issue; the way you write it at times seems very professional and at times seems very personal you'll want to pick one to stay with it. If you're writing in the third person you can pick either way, however I usually say stay with the more professional style as the speaker should not have an opinion on the story per say, however you of course can use the more personal style, I tend to stray away from it though. Or, you could make the speaker a less important character of the story and write it as his or her account of the events. Now, the issue with first person is you really, really have to know your speaker inside and out because you're writing everything how they'd speak, so there are positives and negatives to both. Now, I don't think you have to change anything in this chapter because it works as a good introduction, but if you're going to writing in first person you should make a complete 180 and start the actual story in a different place... I hope this all makes sense outside the realms of my mind.

[TemperanceJoy]

The characers needed more depth as they were quite vague.

[Alyssa_Dright]

It's hard to choose which one I like best off of one paragraph. I typically need a lot more, like an introduction to the character, a back story, something to really pull you into the life of the character.
As for when they are speaking I would keep them separate, just so it is easier to read. Especially if there is more than one person talking, it can sometimes confuse the reader.
Also there is no need to indicate that there is a pun, unless you are talking in the first person and they are narrating their life or something close to it.
Other than those small things, this is a very great concept and I would definitely like to see more of this. Keep it up!