Chapter One: The First Ring

In this chapter, Zari explores the city outside of the castle.

Before sunset, Zari boarded the royal air ferry that brought the kingdom officials, ambassadors, scholars, and scientists to their residence in the city of the First Ring. She had accomodated herself near the front of the vessel and watched the white and silver robed individuals that danced on the window's reflection as the air ferry hummed over the water course. She too was dressed in a hooded white robe over a silver frock coat that hid her dark crimson eyes and her crystal blades. 

In the confined space of the air ferry, Zari had no trouble disappearing in the midst of the crowd. She didn't mind that they paid a Shadow little attention. It would make her errand all the more simpler. 

For weeks, Zari had been keeping an eye on Xanther Albatross from his daily trips to the Castle and the First Ring. He was an important player in parliament affairs, mostly because he supported the King wholeheartedly, and because he had served the royal Majesty for most of his lengthy rule. But even though the Cloud King had white hair, his face did not age and Xanther Albatross could not keep up with its youthfulness. Starting with the most important organ, his body began to deteriorate with old age. 

Zari knew that Xanther Albatross had been a dear friend and key piece to the King so she took special care of him even though he was confined to his bed most days and nights. 

Every night Zari would visit him in Shadow form from the Other Side and slip a tiny drop of poison into his gaping mouth yet his chest continued to rise and fall. 

It was getting unbearable. Zari sauntered off the air ferry with a nod of thanks to the silver automaton who had steered the vessel and then treaded through a garden of tall lavish buildings. The streets were partially crowed with young children and silver automatons who liked to play in the cool night air. 

After passing a couple of streets Zari arrived at an older community with luxurious white residence buildings and exotic palm gardens. The streams that segregated each house bubbled with fresh and crystal clear water. 

It was dark now and shadows cast by the moon hung at every corner. Zari shed her robe and hung it in a shadow where it disappeared from view. The silver frock coat under neath was cut beneath her knees to give her full use of her legs. 

She went to the shadows that bathed a wall in darkness and used the chinks in the stones to hoist herself up unto a third floor balcony. Zari paused and sniffed the air. She could pick out the scent of poison nearby and levered herself onto the roof. 

Outside, the night air grew colder and the atmosphere became still. Zari stood with the moon to her back, basking in its light. She flexed her fingers and reached for a crystal blade from inside her frock coat. 

At the edge of the roof top, Zari climbed up onto the ledge and peered into the window adjacent to her point of view. A single candle burned on a bedside table near a large form slumbered. A cat-like automaton rested at the foot of the bed. 

The window was barred by a intricate steel frame twisted into the design of a stag's antlers. With both feet on the ledge, Zari pointed her body towards the gaps in the window and leaped through the air. In mid leap, her body evaporated into an inky black shadow. The solitary candle flickered out leaving the room drowned in total darkness. 

Zari was standing with one foot in the Other Side and one foot in Xanther Albatross's bedroom. It took a great exertion of power for her to pull her foot from the Other Side and step through the door way that led to Xanther Albatross. When she did, Xanther's automaton jerked awake. But before the automaton could warn its master that there was an intruder, Zari had used her crystal blade to stab at a chink in the automaton's neck and popped off its silver head. 

Xanther Albatross awoke in a disheveled state. The poison Zari had administered to him gave him a bluish purple parlor and bruises under his eyes. The veins in his neck pulsed weakly. When he saw the Shadow standing before him holding the head of his beloved automaton in the crook of her arm, he gave a start. The man was old but he had seen Shadows before, once in his lifetime. 

He closed his eyes and waited for the quick death the Shadows always dealt out. But time stretched out endlessly before him as the Shadow watched him with her glittering red eyes. 

"You give up so easily, Xanther Albatross?" Zari asked quietly. "After you worked so hard?" 

He felt her words swirl around his ears and looked away ashamed. He was old now but if he had the body of the King there was no doubt he would have raised a sword against the Shadow. "I've paid my dues. I did my duty to the King. I worked hard for him." Xanther Albatross clenched his fist under his blanket with the little strength he had left. 

"Do you mean you worked hard against him?" Zari's voice was cold. "We know, Xanther Albatross, we know you are a deceiver." She took a step towards him. 

Xanther Albatross's body seized up in the cold fear as the Shadow's dark magic billowed softly around him. "I did my duty!" He wheezed. "I had to do what I did to protect my family -" 

"No, you wanted to protect your namesake. You pretend to be the King's loyal friend by supporting him and agreeing with him yet secretly in the dark you unravel all his plans for peace and prosperity." Zari showed Xanther Albatross the crystal knife in her hand and tossed the automaton head to the floor. "The King dislikes deceivers, dear old Xanther." 

Zari had hit a nerve in the old man and a bit of his youth resurfaced and his voice grew louder with every word despite the angry poison that burned in his system. "I did what I believed was right! The proclamations the Cloud King makes for peace are false. There are secrets hidden in every dark corridor and in every dark room! The King promises a haven for those who are Gifted but neglects those who are not. You've never been to the other Realms where True Kings rule -" 

"You speak such blasphemy against the King that you must be silenced!" Zari's red eyes glowered angrily in the darkness

 She struck the crystal blade through Xanther Albatross's open mouth with such force that it ripped through his throat and slid between his vertebrae and struck something hard underneath the pillow. Quicker than the blood seeping through Xanther Albatross's wounds, Zari lifted the old man's corpse and pushed it to the other side of the bed. 

She raised the pillow to find a large embellished book nesting amongst the bed covers. 

Author's Note

This is the new first chapter...for those who wanted more Zari and more assassin element ..I hope you enjoy! (it's dark and twisted if you really think about it) I seriously wrote this three times so please let me know how you feel about this chapter and especially tell me what you disliked or what I could work on. P.S I know I've got some grammar issues somewhere in here. I'm terrible with commas!

Reviews

[Gosia]

Hm... I remember reading about the outline of your story somewhere in the forum, I think...

Now back to reviewing. As for the roughly beginning of the story, I liked it. You depiced a single event here, it was clear to the reader. The introduction of Zari went well too - I got a glimpse of who she is, and, I have to admit that featuring a female assasin is always welcome. It's only my personal opinion, but I really appreciate casting women as somewhat evil ones (even though I have the feeling Zari won't be as bad), capable of violence. Anyway, the chapter's structure was fine, your writing style as well and the shortness of the chapter was an advantage, like when I read the prologue.

Zari. I already mentioned that I'm beginning to like this character. Strong female leads are on top this days, I wish to see more of her.

Automatons. The idea is really interesting. I knew of them before (read a post on forum) so I get what they are. However, I have the feeling that you haven't explained what they exacly are in this chapter clear enough. Perhaps it would be good if you threw in a sentence or two explaining more of them? That's just my suggestion.

As for the grammar issues, I'm not the right person to help with that ;-)

Anyway the chapter was really good (except the little confusion about the automatons). I hope my review was constructive. And the murder part was great, my inner bloodthirsty beast had a celebration while reading the chapter...

[Katiya K]

Gosia, yay! I'm glad you read and reviewed my first chapter since you helped me so much on the prologue.

I'm glad to hear your feelings towards Zari and you have good foresight.

Yes! You're right I didn't really make it clear in the first chapter and actually I didn't even mention them in the prologue! Gasp >.< I will go back and work on that because you're right it would make more sense to have a couple lines of the automatons.

Also, I'm happy you liked the murder - I didn't think it would be as bloody and dark as I wanted it to turn out in such a short paragraph. Thank you again for reviewing it means a lot to me!

[Larsa Valeth]

i like it Zari's looks to be interesting and entertaining. i spent the time imaging it in my head, i think you should work more Zari's stealth into it more and look at other inspirations of stealth, try Assassins creed it might help with stealth killing. looking at Xanther's i think his speech would seem better if he was dying, bleeding out, it would give his voice more weight and power and would make it more believable that this is a cause worth dying for. i could be wrong, it works, i am basing my it on what i read and i am starting from the beginning

[Cedric D. Jr.]

This is a chapter of high intrigue, an excellent read. The major strengths exhibited in both this and the prologue appear to be creativity, first and foremost, well-paced narration, and powerful description. The creativity is most evident in the concept of Shadows and their abilities, the nuances of environment with regard to everything from the royal air ferry to the antler-esque bars on the windows, and the silver automatons, which we see are greatly variable in make and model. Next, the narration is definitively proven to be well-paced specifically because one of the most common struggles among authors, especially of Fantasy or Science Fiction works due to the intricate concepts and rules of their respective universes, is not simply rushing into an overly expository narration for the sake of explaining to the readers how everything in the setting works, yet this story has, heretofore, done an exemplary job of avoiding that; we learn either from characters' observations, actions, or dialogue what we need to know about the world in which this story takes place, and we know these things no sooner or later than is necessary. Finally, the descriptive powers represented here are abnormally potent for two reasons: keen attention to detail and a poetically vivid application of an expansive vocabulary; the finest example of the latter would be the thematic, implicit comparison of shadows or, in a broader sense, darkness itself to the nature of water, referring to said darkness as something in which people or personified things could drown or describing a wall as being "bathed" in shadow, so to speak. There are several other poetic illustrations like, "tread[ing] through a garden of tall lavish buildings," for example, that deliberately appropriate what should have been inappropriate words so as to paint a particular picture; in this instance, referring to an urban area as a garden of buildings, as well as calling the buildings lavish, immediately differentiates this city in the readers' minds from, say, New York City and yields a more utopian idea of a celestial, almost heavenly version thereof.

One thing that may confuse some readers, given that it confused me, is Zari's infiltration, particularly starting from the point at which she had already ascended to the rooftop. I was thrown by her climb "up" to a ledge from a rooftop because I was struggling with whether or not this was the ledge of a second building or if there was some sort of structure on the roof itself that she climbed, and failing to understand that makes it equally difficult to understand where the window is and, thus, makes the whole infiltration process a murky read. I'm suggesting the addition of a short sentence or two that can briefly explain this so that readers like myself don't get lost because, by this time, anyone reading from the beginning of the prologue has gotten used to understanding what you say nearly perfectly, so this part felt rushed. It disturbs the symbiosis you've established with the readers.

The plot seems intriguing so far, and it's certainly delivered well. The names you've chosen are also excellent, and every author knows writers struggle with naming both characters and locations. Xanther Albatross is an excellent name, and Zari is perfect for a female protagonist; both fit the vibe of a High-Fantasy, mock-utopian society, too, so they gel with your setting nicely. This story has innumerable strengths, so keep it up.

[Katiya K]

Wow, this review left me speechless! Thank you so much Cedric, I'm so glad for your advice and insight! I will definitely go back and clear up Zari's infiltration. Everything you said makes sense and I agree that it is rushed. Gosh, wow. I hope I can return the favor in reviewing some of your work because your review was seriously A+ thank you so much!

[Christopher Angel]

I love stories about assassins and the way you've written it was so fluid and fun. It does kind of remind me a little of the FPS game, 'Dishonored' though. Have you heard of it? It's one of the best games with the most engaging stories I've ever played and I had the same vibe while reading this chapter.

It's really impressive and I do want to know more about Zari. She's so mysterious though so that's good.

[Katiya K]

Thanks Christopher! Ah, no I haven't but I really want to get my hands on that game I've heard such great things and it looks freaking amazing. If it has an engaging story then I'm definitely in.

Thank you for your review~

[Christopher Angel]

Oh it definitely has an engaging story! I was so bumped out that it ended and it was the same feeling I had after I finished reading your story.

[Writer #00]

unto the roof-->onto
With a both feet on the ledge, Zari pointed her body towards the gaps in the window and leaped through the air.--> With both feet...
with ever word -->every

OOOOOh, that's where the book came from. Makes sense. And now Zari's growing suspicious, too, isn't she? Great first chapter, you really pulled me in (of course, I already know what's after this, but if I didn't, I'd definitely read on right after). It was such a drastic change in tone form the prologue which was slightly less urgent and more informative to this heart-thumping assassination success. Your descriptions are amazing, I loved the way you gave the reader an image of the town in the same way Zari probably sees it with a passing glance while she has the murder of Albatross on her mind. we get a picture--garden of buildings, lovely--but nothing overly descriptive.

The murder was quite unnerving (I mean, I was on the edge of my seat reading faster and faster to see it unfold), which is a great accomplishment given I hardly know anything about Albatross (clever unfolding why he is being murdered WHILE he is being murdered, it really added to the suspense..even the sadness) and have no reason to fill much if anything towards his death, but I did, so good job. This is definitely an interesting way to start the story, good job!

[Katiya K]

Writer :) thank you for reviewing. I am so glad you are the first person to read it because you have a background of my story and I think you would be honest if I wrote something terrible. But I'm glad you liked it AND THANK YOU for catching my silly grammar mistakes >.<
OH I'm so glad you liked the way of telling Albatrosses story within the story - I've always hated flash backs so I tried a new approach.
Thank you thank you thank you for reading this it means so much! I'm so happy to have your approval!