Prologue: The Set

A brief introduction of the magical castle, the king, and the assassin/main character: Zari.

            The King of the Cloud Castle instilled the task of his personal protection to the most highest-ranking assassins and soldiers. They were given the title of the King’s Shadow because they could melt away in the darkness: still present but unseen. They could command the shadow and drown their victims in the cold deadly darkness. If needed they could shelter an entire army. 

The legends of the King's Shadow swept the land far and wide, providing him a fearsome aura. Few dared disobey the King of the Cloud realm. His reign was powerful and his will was strong. Despite this he sought out to create a peaceful kingdom, a place where his citizens would feel safe.  His subjects lived healthy and happily under the fierce shield of the King's Shadow army. 

But peace rarely lasts without chaos and shadows are anything but darkness. 

The Cloud Kingdom itself was a magnificent sight to behold. It was beautiful only in a way that could be magical. The castle itself sat above the highest peak of a mountain. It levitated, barely cresting the tip of the mountain, on a combination of machinery and magic. The landscape of the Kingdom was shaped in a circle with four supporting rings that were connected by bridges made of silver coils and white stone planks. 

 Clouds drifted by and veiled the castle in a soft white mist. When the mist parted and the sun shined on the castle's white glossy stones, there was a blinding light that warded off dark beady eyes. At the base of the castle flowed several thin waterfalls and streams. The dampness and mixture of pure sunlight created the rarest flora and fauna. The run off from the waterfalls then fell in steady steams unto the Earth realm below supporting much of the lush green vegetation. 

Every sort of extraordinary person resided in the castle. Alchemists, magicians, witches, elves, and the human half breeds of mountain lion and mountain cat descent. It was rumored that even the King himself had blood mingled from the magicians of Old Time and that he, in an unexpected experiment, had created the first Shadow. 

The Shadows were a half breed of human and ethereal magic, who claimed to have witnessed the birthing of the first kingdom. Uncertain of their true origins, ethereal beings soon became shrouded in rumors. Only the King and the royal family had access to the tombs that housed ancient pictographs that used paint for blood. 

Time being old and mysterious to the historians who took great interest in the King's Shadows tried to create a memoir distinguishing a timeline from these ancient pictographs. But the King felt it necessary to the people and his kingdom that the origin of the Shadows were kept a secret and had the books destroyed. He knew that the Shadows held their own accounts of their history. And although they were his servants, he felt that he owed them some secrets of theirs to be kept within their possession. 

Zari, a Shadow, traced her fingers along the lines of golden inked sentences. The fire in her heart glowered. The image of the King retold in this black book was confusing. This was not the King she knew and served. 

It had been decades since the first King had ruled peacefully. It had been decades since the Second King had gathered the extraordinary beings. And it had been decades since the Third King had finally granted the Shadow's their one wish. The retelling of history was altered in the eyes of every new Kings as they all wanted to best each other. And soon historians began to lump them all together so that gradually there was one great King. 

He became the Cloud King. He was great, ruthless, and intent on keeping peace. Just as all the others had. 

So that the Cloud King soon became immortal and his legacy never wavered. 

         

Author's Note

Dear readers, this was once the first chapter but I've changed to the prologue on many of the reviewers suggestion. I also feel it should be a prologue and I've noticed that this is not as exciting as I want it to be. Any suggestions would help immensely, thank you.

Reviews

[Christoph Poe]

I am loving this. Honestly. There are few I come across here who I'm simply wowed by, and you've met the criteria.

"So I'm gonna be picky..."

Sound familiar? XD

I think the first paragraph should go. That's just me, but I think describing the "King's Shadow" and what they do right off the bat is giving away too much right at the beginning. "The King's Shadow" is already mysterious enough to keep us wondering, and just the title sounds amazing and intriguing. Don't '"tell" us what they are and what they specifically do, but rather show us later on.

I think this would sit best as a prologue rather than the first chapter. (That's just another thought.)

Your use of vocabulary is phenomenal, you've managed to use all of them right, and everything makes perfect sense. I'll add to be careful not to use big words too frequently as it can often scare readers. I've been told that the average reader had a 7th grade reading level, though I'm unsure if that's entirely true or not.

So to sum everything up, you've got a beautiful story ahead of you, and I can sense you are very passionate about it as well. As long as you're willing to keep me around, I'll be keeping up. :)

(And I'll remember this day that I >>kinda

[Katiya K]

Hahahaha!!! Christoph! xD

Thank you so much for a wonderful review! It was very picky indeed >:) Your advice is amazing and I will get to editing to it right away. I really like your point of not giving too much about the Shadow's away :3 and the vocabulary...which is probably true!

Bahaha I would love to keep you around. You're a great reviewer. And I'm glad your really picky with me hahaha x)
Everything in your review helped me immensely! So thank you again. And YES of course you totally helped me out hahaha. :)

[Arutha]

I love the details of your world, so much! The Cloud Kingdom/King/Castle all sound so cool. It just makes me wanna go there and be a freakin' Shadow. I also love how you've taken "Shadow" and applied it both to mean the collective members of the Shadow as well as any individual member. I think it's those little intricacies that make a story feel more real to the reader, as though such terms may have really evolved over time in some other universe. You've obviously put some serious thought into your world which is (in my oh-so-personal opinion) the most critical element to any good fantasy novel.

My first thought is that the "note" at the beginning would probably better serve the reader if the information within was given through context. Don't get me wrong, the idea behind her true purpose and her "duty as a Shadow" is EXTREMELY creative, and it just sounds b*d*ss; however, if I don't get it from Zari's own mind then it loses a big chunk of its meaning to me as a reader. Besides, incorporating that into a story is a great way to endear Zari to your reader.

As I continue to read, I see that your whole outline of the Cloud Castle/Kingdom seems to be more of an "orative" story-telling, if you will, rather than a character narrative.

So, I peaked at chapter 2, and even at a glance I can tell it's going to be awesome, and it helped me to understand your thinking here. I assume that you are laying out the story for your reader before actually getting into it, and I get what you're going for. I would still recommend starting the "character narrative" here, instead of just coming out and setting up a stage where you sort of dump all this information about magic, races, nobility, governmental structure, etc.

Here's a perfect example of what I'm saying: "Every sort of extraordinary person resided in the castle. Alchemists, magicians, witches, elves, and the human half breeds of mountain lion and mountain cat descent." When you list things off like that, which is essentially what your prologue does on a grander scale, you give me knowledge as a reader, which is great. At the same time, however, it comes across like a list of the pieces to a story instead of the components of a grand, detail-oriented world. I know you HAVE the world in YOUR head, and I want to be a part of it, be on the inside of it instead of looking in from the outside.

I know I beat the stinking crud out of that dead horse, but I hope my meaning comes across. As far as your story goes, oh man it's gonna' be awesome. I can already see that Zari is going to be a total butt-kicker, and I'm super excited to read as she slits a couple throats or something, lol. I'm also really interested in how her relationship with the Cloud King will (or won't, as the case may be) develop. I just hope I have time after these other four reviews to come back and hit chapter 2!

[Katiya K]

Arutha, WOW what an excellent review! Thank you for going so in-depth...every tip you gave me has really made me rethink this chapter. I after reading other's review and yours I think it would be better to make this a prologue. I totally understand what you mean by how it takes away from an actual story and seems more like facts and lists. You're excitement as a reader really helps me to not give up on writing this book. So thank you :)

[Riding the Rainbow]

OMG! This story recalls my "My Soul Mate" story! **shocked**

[zainul]

Great work indeed.
Enjoyed reading.

[Katiya K]

Thank you for taking the time to read!

[zainul]

You are most welcome.
Basically,I am a fan of poems.
But,your piece could captivate me up to the end.
You really deserve credit for it.

[Katiya K]

Thank you for your kind words! I am also a fan of poem and I find yours very enjoyable to read. I'm glad you have decided to share them with us!

[zainul]

You are most welcome.
Thanks for your compliments too.
The pleasure of writings comes from reading by others.
Thanks for stopping by.

[Samuel Jack]

I do love assassins, ive been working on a book myself, you've inspired me to get to work on it.

The writing was natural to read and gave me everything i needed, I do feel like you were rushing to paint this huge picture of a kingdom and its inner workings, maybe slow it down a bit and put a little more focus on Zari's feelings on the kingdom and how its changed. It did set the scene very well though, when you say "Every sort of extraordinary person resided in the castle. Scientists, alchemists, magicians, witches, elves" why have scientists when you've already got alchemists?, scientists dont feel very fantasy to me.
You had a few grammer issues in there, but i can see other people have done some huge reviews so ill leave it. Very enjoyable read, glad to know im not the only person who thinks assassins are the best chracters in fantasy. Keep up the good work!

[Katiya K]

Thank you for this wonderful review! I'm glad I have inspired you and I can't wait to read your book.

I understand and yes I was rushing it because originally I had wanted to make this a short story but now that I keep writing it all these ideas keep sprouting in my head. But I will work on that part so thank you!
That's true scientist and alchemist are sort of the same - mabybe I should change scientist to biologist or something of the other. This book is actually steampunk/fantasy if you read in the second chapter. :)
Assassins are awesome and so much fun to play with. Thank you again for the review!

[Christoph Poe]

(Just ignore me...lol)

(And I'll remember this day that I [kinda] met Katiya K., because without a doubt, you'll be a published author some day.)

And thanks again for reading my first chapter.

Take care,
--Christoph

[Katiya K]

Hahaha don't worry about it! At first I was a little confused x)
That would definitely be a dream come true!
You're welcome - I look forward to more work and to see you improve! Or else I'll be more harsh >:( Just kidding.

[Christoph Poe]

(Good thing I always copy my comments before I post them. It cut it off at the end.)

(And I'll remember this day that I >>kinda

[Simon Welsh]

I love this! Fantasy is an awesome genre! Like Final Fantasy. You've conveyed it well here, hon :)

[Katiya K]

Thank you :) I loveee Final Fantasy!

[Joshua Hunter]

I really love this story and the idea! There were only a few awkward sentences and grammar issues, but they were small and didn't take away from the telling of the story. Once again a job very well done! I cannot wait for the story to unfold!

[Katiya K]

Thank you so much!! Your review makes me excited to keep writing :) I'll reread it and work on the sentences to make it clear and less awkward hehe. Thank you again!

[Decanter Red]

I see you have taken a fairy tale style approach to the story. It does really suit the steampunkish atmosphere.. I once had my hand in steampunk but gave up quite quickly after that -_-

I do think the presentation of the story is very comfortable, because this is equally important as the plot line- it determines whether readers will want to continue to next chapter or even finish the piece at all. Kudos for this aspect in your writing.

I had a short confusion of the character's gender but it was quickly sorted :)

You successfully conveyed the majestic image of the kingdom, complete with the aura and everything. It is a literal word painting- in such a short piece you have already achieve a nice impression for the reader. This does show promise, keep the good work up!

[Katiya K]

Thank you for the detailed review!! I feel more comfortable with continuing this story. I'm really nervous to do steampunk but I love it and I thought I'd give it a go. Thank you again I really appreciate it :)

[Decanter Red]

You're most welcomed, my friend :)

[Katiya K]

I just thought os something...does this line makes sense? " But peace rarely lasts without chaos and shadows are anything but darkness. "

[Decanter Red]

Hmmm...it does take some time to comprehend. It makes sense, of course. The shadows part need a bit more explanation after because many people perceive shadows as 'everything that is dark'.

[Katiya K]

Hmm yes I will try to refine it like I am looking at a recipe for sweet rolls that need perfecting :)

[Decanter Red]

Ohh hoo hoo! Make it so sugary that we get diabetes :=p

[Katiya K]

Oh boy! Diabetes! :D

[Decanter Red]

LOL, its not so fun when its not a joke >_< thank god its just a joke haha!

[Katiya K]

I agree... >.< probably shouldn't joke about these things haha.