Why I Love and Hate You

Written like a letter to my ex

I panicked when someone told me they love me.
Because everything I know has told me
“I love you” isn’t a promise.
It’s a tool.
It’s the hammer that slams down the final nail.
It’s the wrench that’s used to tighten the bars on my cage.
It’s the tool used to manipulate the object.
To fix me into what I’m supposed to be.

“I love you” isn’t a promise
And “I promise” isn’t a vow.
It’s a condition.
It’s a contract.
It’s never without it’s fine print.
The unspoken “if” is hammered in with “I love you”.
“I promise to love you...” if you do what I want.
“I promise not to hurt you...” as long as you don’t make me mad.
“I promise to treat you better...” if I feel you deserve it.
“I promise not to threaten you anymore...” until the next time you tell me no.

“I love you” is a tool.
“I promise”, an ultimatum.
“I’m sorry” is a contradiction.
“Forgive me”, a demand.
I’m never given a choice.
I’ve never had a voice.
You made me believe this was what I wanted.
You didn’t give me room to think otherwise.

I trusted you.
I opened myself up.
I told you the phrases that were used to program me.
And you “reinvented” them.
You used them too.
You used them the same exact way.
There was no reinvention.
Just replacement.
You wrote him out and wrote yourself in.
You knew how he got me to behave.
You knew how he got me not to leave.
Not to tell.
Not to scream.

Your abuse was more subtle.
But you used the same phrases.
That’s how I know you knew exactly what you were doing.
I told you what he said to me to convince me I couldn’t live without his abuse.
I told you how those phrases flipped a switch, triggered something deep in my mind that I couldn’t undo.
I told you how those phrases, repeated over and over, made me his.
And you said them to me.
Over and over.
And made me yours.
And I couldn’t leave.
I could never leave.
And you knew that.
And then you left.

You said and did so many things that would make any sane person leave.
Any person who wasn’t already terrified of being without you.
Any person who wasn’t already so dependent because of your deliberate programming.
I still protect you to this day.
I still haven’t told anyone the extent of what you’ve done.
I still lie to my parents and protect you.
I still have those dreams.
And part of me is still undoing the programming.

You rewired my brain again.
Just like I told you he did.
I was so f*****g stupid.
I basically gave you instructions on how to trap me.
I never thought you would use them.
I gave you the manual on how to make me your slave.
And I just expected you to disregard that?

Even today, if you said those specific phrases to me, I would be at your mercy.
Because I don’t know how to untie those knots.
I don’t know how to unfuck what you fucked up.
I don’t know how to love another person and believe them.
And believe that “I love you” isn’t a tool, but a promise.
And that “I promise” isn’t a condition, but a vow.
And that my body and my mind are my own
And that I can love someone without being controlled.

I’m scared.
Because of him
And because of you
I’m scared to be loved.
And I’m scared to be happy.

And I hate you for that.
For ruining every chance I have at trusting someone again.
For ruining every chance I have of opening up to anyone who’s not you.
For poisoning my idea of love
And for lying and telling me that everything would be okay.

I love you
Because you made me love you.
But I f*****g hate you
Because you made me afraid.