Flip a Switch

TW: abuse

I’m having flashbacks
You tell me to stop
Right
Stop
Just stop
Just turn them off
Just flip a switch.

Flick!
Never happened.
Flick!
I’m fine.
Flick!
Don’t overreact.
Flick!
Get over it.
Flick!
Tears off.
Flick!
Smile on.
Flick!
Eyes open.
Flick!
Mouth shut.
Keep your mouth shut.
Keep your f*****g mouth shut.
It never happened.
Never happened.
Never happened.
Flick!
Forget.

It’s okay, I can stay home
But you don’t need to, you tell me
I don’t need to.
It’s fine.
No big deal.
What happened to you is not bad enough
To require you to stay home
It’s nothing.
It’s nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing
Happened.

Flick!
Lights off.
Flick!
On the floor.
Flick!
Head back.
Flick!
Arms pinned down.
Flick!
Legs open.
Flick!
Mouth shut.
Flick!
Nothing happened.

No one will believe you.
Shut up.
Get over it.
Be quiet.
Don’t scream.
Don’t cry.
Don’t fight.
And don’t you dare talk about it.
No one wants to know.
And no one will care anyway.
They’ll just tell you to turn it off.
Shove it down.
Get over it.
You’re fine.

Flick!
I’m fine.
Flick!
Invisible.
Flick!
Nothing.
Nobody.
Unimportant.

This is why you don’t tell anyone.
This is why you keep your mouth shut.
No one will believe you.
No one will care.
It’s not that bad.
Just stop.
Go to school.
Even though you feel his hands on you
Even though you feel your throat closing
Even though you feel the cold dirty ground on your skin
You’ll be fine.
Just turn it off.
Live your life.
Worry about other people.
You’re fine.
And if you’re not, it doesn’t matter.
Your well-being is the last thing on anyone’s mind.
Just stop.
Is Jake awake?
Go to school.
You’re fine.
Comfort me.
Help me.
That’s what you’re here for.
And who’s here for you?
How’s Jake?
How’s everyone else?
Nobody says how are you.
Nobody says anything.
Nobody cares.
Just shut it off.

Flick!
Be normal.
Flick!
Time to stop.
Flick!
Be okay.
Flick!
Be okay...
Flick!
Be okay!
Flick!
Be okay!
Flick!
Flick!
Flick!
Flick!
Flick...
Flick.....
Flick?

It’s dark. Your light has burned out. Your voice has been silenced. Dark means dangerous. You can’t see him coming. Flipping switches blew a fuse. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Don’t breathe! Hold your breath. Close your eyes. Hide. It’s dark. It’s dark.

Flick!
Off.

Reviews

[Betty]

l am a senior high school student from China.I know you from your videos on bilibili.We can't register Youtobe accounts in China.But I really want to share my impression after I wahched your videos and read your poems.So I find this website where I could make a comment here.I love your videos and poems vrey much.And I always look forward to your videos.I support all of you!(^^)My English isn't good,so if there is any grammar or other mistakes,please forgive me.This is my first comment and I will keep follow you in the futuer.我爱你们所有人！期待你的回复

[alanwgraham]

Great Katie. Sharing this helps others gain some insight on how you feel. Because its in your head its invisible and tough for others to appreciate. I have bipolar and from time to time i get high and its hard to get over how i'm feeling. Words are hardly adequate. If i say I'm high they say I feel high sometimes and i tell them its different but they dont understand. (my poem Manicarus gives a good idea of how it feels but unfortunately its not always good.
You've done a great job sharing this Katie.
All the best,
Alan